INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM
Xander sits in shock looking at his "dead" ex-girlfriend.
XANDER
Cordelia?
CORDELIA
In the flesh, so to speak. I don't
think you ever met Doyle.
DOYLE
Hey there! Glad to finally meet you.
Xander gets up and looks back in the bed only to see himself
lying there.
XANDER
Uh.. Hi. Am I dead?
CORDELIA
No.
DOYLE
Oh, no.
XANDER
Then what's going on?
Cordelia and Doyle exchange glances.
XANDER
What?
DOYLE
Well... You're dying.
XANDER
I'm dying?! Why?
CORDELIA
Because of your rotten fashion sense.
XANDER
Really?
CORDELIA
No! Duh! It's the visions. They're
killing you. If we don't act soon...
well you'll get to spend the rest
of eternity with me.
XANDER
Oh so I'm going to hell?
CORDELIA
Hardy-har-har.
(cuffs Xander's head)
Dork.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Liv and Maya are looking through some of the books from the
training room. A half eaten pizza is sitting in front of
them. Lucy is on the phone.
LUCY
Yes, well I don't think
(adopting cockney accent)
"throwing a bucket of bloody ice
water on the poofta"
(normal accent)
is going to do anything. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Well you may find that
terribly amusing, but all that's
going to get me is a wet unconscious
guy.
(holds hand over the
phone to talk with Liv)
Who the hell am I talking to?
LIV
I don't know, I just called the
Cleveland branch of the Watchers'
Council and he answered the phone.
LUCY
(back to phone)
Is there anyone else I can talk to?
Preferably with half a brain?
(beat)
Well there's no reason to be rude!
Hello? Hello? Oh great, another
British person! Cheerio! God save
the Queen and all that. Think maybe
you can help me with Xander being a
coma patient?!
Lucy stomps off into the kitchen.
MAYA
Your Mom's got great phone etiquette.
LIV
She takes a lot of pleasure in
making telemarketers cry.
MAYA
What are we looking for exactly?
LIV
Not sure. Since there wasn't any
medical reason, I thought we'd take
the mystic route.
MAYA
This better not become a normal
routine.
CORDELIA (OS)
So that's the new slayer, huh?
Xander, Cordelia and Doyle are sitting across from the girls.
The girls cannot see or hear them.
DOYLE
Looks like you got your work cut
out for ya.
XANDER
Tell me about it. She's a great kid
though.
DOYLE
The mom of hers is a hottie.
XANDER
Oh yeah.
DOYLE
Are you...
CORDELIA
Doyle!
DOYLE
What?
CORDELIA
Focus. We don't have a lot of time.
XANDER
Okay. So. How do I stop from dying?
DOYLE
Beats me.
CORDELIA
Haven't a clue.
XANDER
So you two are just here to
antagonize me while I die?
DOYLE
Hey, you're the one who put your
brain on overload and started the
meltdown.
XANDER
What?
CORDELIA
Too much information Doyle.
DOYLE
What am I supposed to tell him?
CORDELIA
This is that whole "feed a man a
fish thing and he dies the next day
because you didn't show him how to
fish".
DOYLE
What?
CORDELIA
He's got to figure it out for himself.
DOYLE
Ohhhh... We're doing the shepherd
thing.
XANDER
So what? We're going to play 20
questions and if I don't figure it
out, I die?
DOYLE
That sounds about right.
CORDELIA
Oh, and if you die, they'll die too.
XANDER
All right. No pressure here. Anyone
want to tell me why?
DOYLE
Can't tell 'ya that.
XANDER
Well, what can you tell me?
Cordelia and Doyle share a look.
DOYLE
It's all about you.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN
Lucy is getting increasingly agitated.
LUCY
Let me get this straight... you
have no idea what's going on, you
don't know what to do and you think
I should call this witch in Brazil?
What is it with you watcher-type
people? I can't believe you are all
this thick!
(beat)
Well I have a right to be "snippy"!
Fine. Thank you, I'll hold.
Liv enters and grabs a soda from the refrigerator.
LIV
How's it going?
LUCY
Well "Rupert" was just as helpless
as the other Brit, but he was a
whole lot nicer. What about you?
LIV
I found a spell that will remove
warts and put them on someone else
you don't like and in the location
you want.
LUCY
Let's save that spell for the next
time Grandma comes to town. Nothing
for Sparky?
LIV
Still looking.
LUCY
Keep it up.
(to the phone)
Hello? Who's this?
(Beat)
"Buffy"? You're kidding me right?
(Beat. Saracasm)
Oh, I can see you're going to be
very helpful.
(Puts the phone down
to her side and yells
into the other room)
These watcher people are going to
be the death of me!
INT. CONSUL SANCTUM
The trio of hooded figures stand in their usual positions.
In the middle is a unusually large and ugly demon.
CONSUL #1
We command you to do our bidding.
CONSUL #2
Serve us well and we will reward you.
CONSUL #3
Disobey and you will be destroyed.
The demon snorts and growls in response.
CONSUL #1
The watcher is incapacitated.
CONSUL #2
Go to his domicile and kill
everyone in it.
CONSUL #3
Don't snack on the way there.
The demon snorts and lumbers off.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Lucy and Maya continue to pour over the magic books.
LUCY (OS)
Fine! Fine! I'll call Brazil!
MAYA
Your Mom isn't doing well.
LIV
Neither are we.
Xander, Cordelia and Doyle sit on the other side of the room.
XANDER
Look, I don't even understand what
this whole vision thing is about or
how I got it.
CORDELIA
Oh that's easy. I gave it to you.
DOYLE
And I gave it to her.
XANDER
You did this to me? You had powers?
When did this happen?
CORDELIA
Hello? When I was in LA? Helping
Angel?
Xander shrugs. He has no clue.
CORDELIA
Okay did you, like, even talk to anyone
after Sunnydale? This is not uncommon
knowledge.
XANDER
Oh sorry! You're not the only one who had
to deal with multiple apocalypses. Things
like ex-girlfriends getting goofy powers
really didn't come up.
CORDELIA
Typical.
(sighs)
Well I knew you were going to need
it. I just didn't think you would
screw up something so simple.
DOYLE
Oh like you had an easy time with it.
CORDELIA
I didn't say it was easy, I said it
was simple. All you gotta do is sit
there, wait for the blinding pain
and then tell someone about it. He
had to go screw it up.
XANDER
How did I screw it up?
Suddenly Doyle and Cordelia sit up straight.
CORDELIA
Did you...
DOYLE
Yeah... It's coming. You better
hurry up Xander.
XANDER
What's coming?
CORDELIA
You see, this is the problem. Right
here.
XANDER
What? Ah...
(Xander's hand flies up to his head)
Ahhh... Ahhh...
DOYLE
That's it buddy...
Xander is in obvious pain
XANDER
It hurts!
CORDELIA
(holds on to his hand)
Hang in there.
Xander starts to scream.
Lucy and the girls run for the stairs
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM
Xander is thrashing around in the bed holding his head and screaming.
XANDER
No! No! No! I don't want it!
The girls are trying to hold him down.
LUCY
Don't let him hurt himself!
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Both Cordelia and Doyle are holding Xander's hand.
XANDER
It hurts!
CORDELIA
I know. Hold on.
DOYLE
Let it come.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM
XANDER
Stop it! Leave me alone!
The girls continue to struggle. Liv snaps and smacks Xander
across the face.
A HUGE STREAM OF GROSS AND DISTURBING IMAGES ZIP BY ON THE
SCREEN.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Cordelia and Doyle's heads snap back as if they were hit.
Xander suddenly isn't in pain any more and is breathing
heavily like he just ran a seven minute mile.
CORDELIA
Whoa!
XANDER
What... the hell... was that?
DOYLE
That my friend was what we like to
call a mental enema.
CORDELIA
Gross. Accurate, but gross.
XANDER
So I'm cured?
DOYLE
You're not out of the woods yet.
XANDER
My god what do I have to do to
fix this?
Cordelia and Doyle just give him a look.
CORDELIA
Okay, I thought we were making
progress...
XANDER
What? What am I doing wrong?
DOYLE
Can we just tell him? He's not
going to get it on his own.
CORDELIA
We can't.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM
Lucy is checking over Xander
LIV
(worried)
I didn't kill him did I?
LUCY
No sweetie. He's... He's still the
same. Why don't you keep looking
through the books. I'll call Brazil.
LIV
(shaken)
Okay.
MAYA
Yippee. More obscure texts.
Liv and Maya go downstairs. Lucy picks up the phone and
starts to dial a number from a piece of paper. She stops and
leans in to whisper in Xander's ear.
LUCY
Sparky? I'm not sure what you're
doing in there, but you better
figure it out soon. 'Cuz you're
scaring the crap out of me.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Liv and Maya come downstairs. Liv is visibly shaken up.
LIV
I... I.. didn't mean to hit him so
hard.
MAYA
It's okay Worm.
LIV
What if I've made him worse?
MAYA
Worm, get a grip. He's going to be
okay.
Xander is standing watching Liv with concern. Cordelia and
Doyle stand next to him.
CORDELIA
What is it Xander?
XANDER'S POV:
Maya and Liv are now dressed in their pajamas from "Training
Day". Liv is covered in the blue goo from killing all the demons.
XANDER face lights up.
XANDER
Oh my god.
FLASHBACK:
INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LUCY'S BEDROOM - XANDER'S POV
Liv is in her pajamas, covered with blue goo and on the
verge of tears.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - PRESENT
XANDER
It's her.
END ACT II
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