EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S HIGH SCHOOL
Establishing shot.
LIV(OS)
Hey Airhead!
INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
Maya is pulling her gear out of her locker. Liv leans
against the wall.
MAYA
Hey Worm. How's my favorite super
freak?
LIV
Oh... you know. Just living the
life of a slayer-in-training.
MAYA
Mr. Harris going to let you out of
the box anytime soon?
LIV
I doubt it. He's still on this
whole "Zen of non-thinking" kick. I
can't help it if I think. It's what
I do.
MAYA
This wouldn't have anything to do
with his car being in the shop?
LIV
That ax handle was slippery! Plus
he said it was his fault for
parking near the window.
MAYA
Wasn't the car parked across the
street?
LIV
Shut up!
Brad Valentine and his entourage pass by.
BRAD
Hi Maya.
MAYA
(rolling her eyes)
Brad.
LIV
(grinning and waving)
Hi Brad!
Brad and the entourage don't even notice Liv. As usual.
MAYA
Why do you like him?
LIV
He's so cute.
MAYA
He's a slug.
LIV
(dreamy)
But a cute slug.
MAYA
Are you wearing your slayer boots?
LIV
Yep.
MAYA
I don't think those are dress code.
LIV
I don't care. Sister Margaret can
send me to detention if she wants.
MAYA
You're a rebel.
LIV
I'm an inspiration to all.
MAYA
You got training after school?
LIV
I have training everyday.
MAYA
Mind if I hang? I hardly get to see
you anymore.
LIV
Ahhh.... you miss me?
MAYA
That and the thrill of never
knowing when a stake is going to be
thrown at my head.
EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE
LIV
Mr. Harris?
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM
Liv, Maya and Lucy are arriving for the afternoon training
session. Liv is dressed in her standard fatigues. At the moment
Xander sits in a stupor staring at nothing. He's wearing his
eye patch and looks like he's come down with a cold.
LUCY
Looks like Sparky went bye-bye.
(snapping her fingers
in front of Xander's face)
Hello! You in there?
Xander jumps
XANDER
(startled)
Wha? Oh... Hi.
LIV
You okay Mr. Harris?
XANDER
I... um... I think I'm coming down
with something. Had trouble
sleeping last night. Sorry.
LUCY
You want to skip training today?
You look like you should be in bed.
XANDER
Nah, I'm fine! Come on upstairs
kiddo, I've got something new for
you today.
Xander starts toward the staircase, trips over an ottoman
and slips a little going up the stairs.
The girls give each other a wary look.
MAYA
Last time I saw anyone look like
that was when my mom drank an
entire bottle of margarita mix.
LUCY
Probably just coming down with a cold.
MAYA
(sarcastic)
Yeah. That must be it.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM
Xander greets the girls at the top of the stairs. In the
corner a man is stretching out.
XANDER
I thought we add a little more to
your training today and focus more
on your hand-to-hand fighting
skills. Since hand-to hand isn't my
strong suit I...
(spaces for a second)
I.. hired a trainer for you.
LIV
Oh. Okay.
XANDER
Brad?
Sure enough. It's Brad Valentine. Liv is about to burst.
Maya shakes her head and rolls her eyes. Lucy is highly amused.
XANDER
This is Brad Valentine. He's the
tae-kwon-do state champ the last
three years running and is a
instructor at his master's dojo.
He'll be working with you twice a week.
Liv squeaks with excitement. Lucy tries to cover her silent
laughter and avoid all eye contact.
XANDER
Brad, this is Liv. She'll be your
trainee. That's her mom over there
and her friend Maya.
BRAD
(To Maya)
Hey Maya.
MAYA
(disgusted)
Brad.
BRAD
(To Liv)
It's nice to meet you.
Liv squeaks again.
MAYA
You've met her before, Brad.
BRAD
We have?
MAYA
She goes to the same school as us Brad.
BRAD
Really? Did you just start there?
Liv can't talk.
MAYA
She's been there as long as you
have Brad. In fact she's in four of
your classes this quarter.
(quietly)
Dumbass.
BRAD
Really? Huh. Well, let's get start
shall we?
Liv nods in agreement. As Brad walks away to get things set
up. Liv walks over to her friend and mother and takes off
her flak jacket.
LIV
Omigod. Omigod. Omigod.
LUCY
Breathe sweetie. Men like women who
know how to breathe.
MAYA
They also like women who can
communicate without going ultrasonic.
LIV
(horrified)
Omigod! I'm such a dork!
MAYA
Yes. Yes you are.
LIV
What do I do? What should I say?
LUCY
Anything that bats can't understand
is always a good start. Just take
it easy.
LIV
(spazing)
Ok. Ok. Ok.
Liv goes over to the sparring match and Brad starts working
with her, going over the basics.
Xander sits down with Maya and Lucy to watch the session.
MAYA
Thanks for the entertainment today,
Mr. Harris. I just wish I brought a
camcorder.
LUCY
Look at her. She's so cute and
geeky. I'm going to have to hose
her down when we get home. Her
hormones are kicking into overdrive.
Xander is spaced out and doesn't respond.
FEMALE VOICE (VO)
Xander?
The voice doesn't match anyone else. Xander starts looking
around the room.
FEMALE VOICE (VO)
Can you hear me Xander?
XANDER
Did you guys say anything?
MAYA
No.
Lucy shrugs and shakes her head.
FEMALE VOICE(VO)
Xander, I need to talk to you.
Xander starts rubbing his temples, worried.
FEMALE VOICE(VO)
Xander, this is important you must
listen to me. Your life depends on it.
MALE VOICE (VO)
I think he's ignoring you.
FEMALE VOICE (VO)
Well duh! He thinks he's losing it!
MALE VOICE (VO)
He is losing it.
LUCY
Sparky...
FEMALE VOICE
Xander...
LUCY
Sparky!
Xander snaps out of it.
LUCY
Earth to Sparky. Come in Sparky.
XANDER
What?
LUCY
Buddy, you should go to bed. You
are dead on your feet.
XANDER
I'm okay.
LUCY
I've seen coma patients who have
more energy than you.
XANDER
I'm fine.
BRAD(OS)
Mr. Harris?
Xander looks up.
XANDER'S POV:
Brad is now dressed up as a vamped caricature of Angel. Liv
is now dressed up in the same pajama outfit she was in
"Training Day" and is covered in the same blue goo leftover
from killing the demons.
BRAD
Would you like me to kill your
slayer now?
Liv nods happily at Xander.
Xander shakes his head and Brad and Liv are back to normal.
XANDER
I'm sorry what was that?
BRAD
Is there any particular move you'd
like me to start off with.
XANDER
Not really. Start with the basics.
LUCY(OS)
Are you sure you're okay?
Xander turns to look at Lucy.
XANDER'S POV:
Lucy is dressed in a ceremonial gown, her eyes are
blindfolded and there's an ornate dagger sticking out of her
chest. Maya is bound and gagged.
LUCY
You don't look so good.
Maya, sounding very much like Kenny from South Park, gives a
muffled agreement.
XANDER's eye rolls back in his head and he collapses on the
floor.
Lucy (now back to normal) rushes to his side and starts
checking him over. Brad, Liv, and Maya hover over them.
LUCY
Honey, go call Dr. Carver and ask
him to come over here.
Liv rushes off.
MAYA
What's wrong with him?
LUCY
I'm not sure. Brad? Will you help
me carry him to his bed?
BRAD
Sure.
INT. CONSUL SANCTUM
CONSUL #1
The watcher is incapacitated.
CONSUL #2
By what manner?
CONSUL #3
Unknown. Should we mount an attack?
CONSUL #1
The Ypoog demons proved unsuccessful
against the Slayer.
CONSUL #2
Vampires will not be able to enter
the domicile uninvited.
CONSUL #3
Perhaps a Mushannu Nyork demon?
CONSUL #1
Excellent. We'll begin the ceremony
at once.
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM
The doctor is talking with Lucy. Xander is lying in his bed
with Liv and Maya sitting around him.
DOCTOR
I'm sorry Lucy, but I can't find a
thing wrong with him. No
temperature, nothing.
LUCY
What should we do?
DOCTOR
Keep an eye on him. If he gets any
worse... Bring him to the hospital.
LUCY
Thanks for coming out, John.
DOCTOR
No problem.
MAYA AND LIV are staring at Xander curiously.
MAYA
What do you think is going on?
LIV
Maybe it's some sort of virus.
MAYA
He doesn't have a fever.
LIV
Maybe it's a non-fever virus.
LUCY
Girls. Stop sucking up all his oxygen.
LIV
What should we do Mom?
LUCY
How about you two look around and
see if you can find anyone's phone
number. I'll see if I can russle up
some food.
The girls go downstairs while Lucy hangs back a bit and
takes a look at the pictures that Xander has on his bedside
table. (Anya & Xander, Willow, Buffy & Xander, and a young
african girl with Xander).
MALE VOICE(OS)
She's a hottie.
FEMALE VOICE(OS)
Not his type.
MALE VOICE(OS)
How do you know that?
FEMALE VOICE(OS)
Duh! I was his type.
MALE VOICE(OS)
Emphasis on was.
Lucy doesn't hear the conversation going on and follows the
girls downstairs.
FEMALE VOICE (OS)
Let's get this thing started.
MALE VOICE (OS)
Any suggestions?
The camera moves in on Xander. A female hand reaches in and
gently shakes him.
FEMALE VOICE
(gently)
Xander? Xander?
MALE VOICE
Is he dead?
FEMALE VOICE
No.
MALE VOICE
Try again.
FEMALE VOICE
Xander?
No reaction. This time the hand smacks him on the chest.
FEMALE VOICE
XANDER!
Xander jumps up.
XANDER
Wha? Huh?
Xander looks up to see...
Cordelia Chase, dressed in resplendent robes. Next to her is
Doyle, in demon mode dressed in his normal clothes.
CORDELIA
Hey Dork.
Off Xander's confused expression...
END ACT I
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