Chapter 9
Walking into Igneous, Susan could not wait to get Willow out to the house. She was convinced that if she could just get Willow out there, she would love it and agree to stay for the winter. However, Susan still was not too sure of what she was going to do about Spike and the woman, whose name she still did not know…but that could wait. If, for some reason, they turned out to be bad news, they would just have to leave and Susan would apologize to Willow.
Looking around, she could not see Willow anywhere. Normally, her friend would be out of bed, straightening the store, or talking to customers. However, nothing was done and there was no sign of Willow anywhere.
"Willow?” Susan called out. She checked the back storeroom, but Willow was not back there. She hoped she had not left her friend too soon the other night. She regretted going straight to see Spike this morning instead of checking on Willow, but she had told Susan she was fine. And Susan had believed her. Why wouldn’t she? But now, she felt horrible. What if something had happened after she had left and Willow was hurt?
With that thought, Susan bounded up the stairs to the apartment above the shop. Stopping short, she saw Willow curled up in her chair by the fire, rocking back and forth, a blank expression on her face, cradling books.
"Willow?” Susan asked softly. She watched as Willow slowly turned to face her. Willow's eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying and her face was blotchy with red spots.
"Oh Willow," Susan said hurrying to her friend’s side. "What is it? What's wrong?" She wrapped her arms around Willow, holding on to her as she shook with fresh tears.
*********
It had taken nearly an hour for Willow to calm down enough to answer any question Susan asked, and even longer for Susan to understand just what it was Willow was trying to tell her. In the end, Willow had shown Susan the letter from Giles.
Through it all though, Willow had not let go of the Diaries Giles had sent her, seeing them as the only link she had left to the man that was both mentor and father figure to her, and most importantly, friend.
In a daze, Willow listened as Susan explained everything she was doing, from fixing tea to help calm her down, to the cold compress she placed over Willow's eyes. She went through the motions, not feeling or hearing anything really. It all seemed so surreal and unimportant in the larger scheme of things. She wanted to turn to Giles to cry, but he was no longer there. She wanted to call him and apologize, but all she had left was the answering machine. She wanted to mail him a letter explaining all the reasons she had not been able to stay, and all the reasons she had not said goodbye to him, but there was no one to receive the letter. Instead, she clung tightly to the books that he had so lovingly written over the years.
Susan had packed her bags and was walking Willow down to her car. Something about going somewhere, but Willow had not heard. She was waiting for the pain or the reality...something to make it so she could feel anything but the emptiness she had inside of her.
**********
Throughout the trip, Willow had remained quiet, no matter how many questions April asked her, no matter how many times Jason had pulled on her sleeve. Steve and Susan took turns looking back to check on her. Susan had told Steve about the letter, about how she had found Willow, and about her friends who would be showing up at the house later that night. He said nothing, only nodded and loaded Willow's bag into the trunk and made sure she was secure in the seatbelt.
Finally, they made it to the house. It was just as Steve had said it would be. Quaint and perfect, sitting on a large piece of land that led to woods in the back. The nearest neighbor was a few acres away. The soft blue of the house looked inviting and Steve opened the door, ushering the kids inside as Susan took care of Willow.
Carefully, Susan sat Willow on the couch in the living room as she settled her two children and made sure everything had been brought into the house. It worried her that Willow was in a catatonic-like state. Susan recognized the books Willow held as well. They had come just over a week ago. She wondered what was in them and what exactly they had to do with Willow’s despair.
The day wore on as everyone got settled in and looked around the house. They had brought more then they needed for just a weekend, bringing things in anticipation of moving in for the winter. Steve led Willow up to the attic, which was more like an apartment. There was even a small two-burner stove and little toaster oven. He tried to engage her in conversation, commenting on everything from the flooring to the ceiling paint, but still Willow said nothing. He suggested a nap and watched as Willow lay on the bed, curled around the books, her eyes still wide open.
**********
It seemed to take them forever just to leave her alone. All she had wanted was to be left alone. The soft words, the gentle glances, the worried looks...it was almost patronizing, and they didn't realize just how much it took to keep her from screaming at the top of her lungs.
Willow remembered what had happened when Tara had died, the sense of injustice she had felt, the way she had lost control of everything. Giles had been there, in the end, to pull her back from that edge. Harsh, cruel words did not do the trick; soft comfort had not worked either. It had taken pure magick and pure love to pull her back. Looking back, Willow thought that only Xander and Giles would ever have been able to help her. It could not have been anyone else but them. There was something special about them that connected her to them. Willow cared so deeply for the both of them.
Kennedy's death had affected her like a quiet, deadly, storm. She had not screamed, she had not killed, but something inside of her had died. Something had given up, refused to cope with it, and she had left. Quickly, quietly, and without even a note, or a single goodbye.
Now she was paying for it, just as she had paid for the magick abuse after Tara's death. Willow was afraid to wonder just what else had happened since she had left. She was afraid of who else was dead, who was gone, who had not been able to cope.
There was too much death in her life. She could see the bodies spread before her in varying states of decay, each reaching for her as she tried to get away. It was not the run of the mill vampire, these were people she knew...Jesse, Buffy, though resurrected, Tara, Kennedy, Jenny, Spike, Anya...and now Giles. These were people she had cared for, even loved, each in their own way. Willow felt as if she would choke on the decay and death that surrounded her.
Finally, Willow gave up and closed her eyes, letting the tears fall silently. She did not know who to go to now that Giles was gone. There was no shoulder to cry on, no rock to hold her up. She was afraid she was drowning, and even more fearful of the fact that she was not sure she cared.
**********
"She's been up there a while," Susan said, looking towards the attic. Steve had come down to tell her that Willow was lying down, still clutching the books. Susan had wanted to go up and sit with her friend, comfort her somehow, but Steve had stopped her.
"She'll be down when she's ready," Steve said, kissing his wife on her cheek. "Besides, she looked like she could use the rest. Now leave her be and lets get this place habitable. They didn't tell me there was three inches of dust on everything."
"There's not three inches," Susan said, rolling her eyes. She appreciated her husband's practical nature, yet hated that he was right. Though if Willow did not come down in time for dinner, she would have to go up and get her.
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