Act One, Scene One, “Again?”
Enter in Spike’s apartment, Z slaving over the stove, Xander and Spike playing Game Cube.
Z: I’m not doing the clean up.
Spike: Why not?
Z: You are kidding right?
Spike: Well, I figured-
Z: You better figure again, mate. You are doing the clean up now.
Xander: Yay, that means I get to do the eating part.
Z: You’re doing the dishes.
Spike: Ha ha. (That was actually saying “Ha ha” instead of it being, you know, a laugh)
Xander hits him in the head with the Game Cube controller.
Spike (continued): Hey, no fair.
Xander: No one said the game was fair. What are we having anyway?
Z: Spaghetti.
Spike: Again? We’ve had spaghetti every night this week.
Z: Yes, because someone won’t go out and buy some more food.
Spike: I’m not a people person.
Xander: Well, I’m the penniless poof.
Spike: That you are.
Z: It doesn't matter. Later today, I’m going to see if I can get any leads. With the mind reading.
Spike: How exactly do you plan to do that, love?
Z: I plan to read minds, Spike. Really, it’s fool proof.
Spike: I didn’t mean it like that. I meant, how are you going to get these leads? People don’t have a tendency to be thinking about where demons hang out.
Z: People may not, but demons do, don’t they?
Spike: You can’t read a demon’s mind.
Z: Yes, you can. You just can’t read a vampire’s mind.
Spike: Whatever. Same difference.
Z: I’d like it if you didn’t tell me what I can and can’t do, Spike.
Xander: She’d like it if you didn’t tell her what she can and can’t do, Spike. (laughs)
Z: (turns to Xander threateningly. Or as threatening as a woman wearing a “Kiss The Cook” apron can be.) Are you mocking me?
Xander (distractedly): No, never.
Z: Fine, whatever. The spaghetti is on the stove, have fun. I’m off to do... whatever it is I’m off to do.
Spike and Xander: Bye.
END SCENE
Act One, Scene Two, “The Game Is On”
Enter with Z walking down the streets, staring at people.
Z (to herself): I could have been off killing myself and they would be playing with each other, still. Men. Won’t let you beat ‘em, won’t let you join ‘em.
She continues to walk down and we hear the thoughts of the people she’s passing. It’s kind of flowy and I’ll just write it as dialogue ‘cause, you know, easy, but it’s not really dialogue.
Man: I have to find that scarf... Mel will have my head if I don’t find it. She said she wanted it. Hope she still does. Otherwise, well, oops.
Woman: It has to be tonight! He swore it was going to be tonight! But no, he hasn’t even returned my calls. I guess he was too busy chatting up some other girl. Like that Italian whore he found at that whore house of a bar.
Billy : It’s going down tonight. The Summoner will die and I will be there to collect the fortune from Shendala. I will be there to collect the fortune and no one will know enough to stop me.
Z (out load to Billy): I think I know enough to stop you.
Billy: Huh? I didn’t... I didn’t say anything.
Z: Yeah, well, see I’m special. Don’t have to say something in order for me to hear it. Now, you tell me everything you know, or you’ll have to talk to my friend Spike.
Billy: Who’s Spike? Is that a name for a weapon ‘cause I don’t like torture.
Z: Yeah, it’s a name for a weapon. The ultimate weapon and if you don’t tell me what I want to know, you’ll have to answer to him and I’m telling you, it’s much easier to tell me.
Billy: Well, okay. You aren’t from Italy, are you?
Z: What gave you that clue? Was your first that I was speaking bloody English? Or was it my accent.
Billy: Well, I’d say the English part, but-
Z: You’re wasting my time. Are we gonna chat this out or what?
Billy: Right, right. Well, there’s this Cafe’-
Z: Take me there. Fast.
Cut to Billy and Z in the Cafe’ that Xander and Spike inhabited in “Redemption Is A Bugger”.
Billy: Well, see, I don’t know a whole lot. My boss, he’s The Summoner. He’s the essential part in the summoning of this demon, Shendala. See, my boss, he thinks he’ll get the luck and fortune Shendala brings his Disciples, but what he doesn't know is that Shendala takes The Summoner as a human sacrifice. It said that the summoning required three Disciples. Well, there’s my boss, me, and this big department. The department will have no clue what’s going on.
Z: When is this all going to take place?
Billy: Well, tonight is when.
Z: Is your boss some sort of summoning expert?
Billy: Well, no. He isn’t, but what has that got to do-
Z: Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to summon a demon? Even if you are an expert. Did that cross your mind?
Billy: Well, no, but-
Z: This is the real world, Billy boy. There is no “well” and definitely no “buts” in the real world. What exactly are you? I mean, occupation-wise?
Billy: Intern.
Z: For?
Billy: A journalism company in small town Maine.
Z: And you came all the way to Rome for...?
Billy: Business franchise. My boss took all the best interns and his Special Cases team. He told us that he was covering a story on the influence of gay bars on Rome, but he’s not. The demon, Shendala, he needs... Some of that... energy in order to manifest. And he has to be summoned near a holy place. Well, the Pope lives in Rome and a lot of holy power is gravitated towards Rome, so a gay bar in Rome. What better place to summon a demon?
Z: I can think of a few. Where’s the bar that is going down in, love?
Billy: Love? You called me love?
Z: Oh, come of it. It’s an expression. Where before I have to knock it out of you? (Holds up fist for the effect.)
Billy: (flinches) Look, look. It’s this place called Mamma Mia. It’s run by an American guy, obviously, and it’s a gay bar. The ritual’ll be started by sundown so I suggest... If you want to stop it, I suggest you get there before sun set.
Z: Mamma Mia?
Billy: Uh-huh. I didn’t name it.
Z: all right. Well, I have my work cut out for me now don’t I?
Z gives Billy a quick nod and hops off her stool, leaving her untouched coffee. She skips all the way down the street and we blackout on Billy’s raised eyebrows.
END ACT
Act Two, Scene Three, “Missiony”
Enter with Z entering the apartment.
Z: Honeys, I’m home!
Spike and Xander jump up like concerned parents after their daughter as been out all night without warning.
Spike: And you were where?
Z: Just out.
Xander: You can’t just shrug it off like that! You had us worried sick! (Looks to Spike, who nods)
Spike: (looks at Xander) Wait, wait. You had him worried sick. Not me. I wasn’t involved in the worry.
Z: I don’t care. I’m a grown woman, I can decide for myself.
Xander: And that’s the kind of attitude that’ll get you killed, Missy.
Z: Yeah, well, my attitude is me. If you can’t take that as it is, I suggest you get your ass out of this house and leave the demon fighting to the professionals.
Xander: Oh, and you’re suddenly a pro?
Z: Not suddenly.
Spike: Right. Neither one of you has any kind of super strength-
Z: But I have yet to unlock the full potential that comes with the mind reading package. Mr. Giles, he said-
Xander: You know Giles?
Z: Well, yeah. Who doesn't? He’s only the world famous Watcher!
Spike: But I thought Andrew was your Watcher?
Z: I’m not a Slayer. I’m the sister to a Slayer who’s parents got killed and got stuck up in the school with Andrew and Mr. Giles.
Xander: Giles is up in Scotland too?
Z: He founded the school. He’s not all the time, but when he is, he teaches those of us with special abilities besides Slayer-dom.
Spike: Is that all the explaining you need to do? ‘Cause this is really cutting into my recreation time.
Z: Like you need anymore of that. (Sits) Have you guys turned off the Game Cube since we got home last week?
Xander: Yes! Just three... seconds... ago...
Spike: Yeah, well, we’re guys.
Z: No, you’re boys. I mean, Xander, you’re what, almost thirty?
Xander: No! I’m twenty eight...
Z: Almost thirty. And Spike, you’re over a hundred.
Spike: Well, yeah, and that is not relevant to the topic. (crosses arms)
Z: Yes, it is. You’re too old to be acting like this.
Spike: Acting like what? Myself? Sorry, pet, I’m not going to fixing that quirk anytime soon.
Z: You’re inconstant is what you are! (stands up and points at both of them) Inconstant!
Xander: Is there suddenly new meaning to that word I skipped over when I ate the Oxford Dictionary?
Z: No, you have your times of maturity when no expects it and especially when no one needs it, but when someone’s all serious, you’re cracking your stupid “I ate the dictionary” and “black cock” jokes!
Spike: Hey, that black cock thing was funny!
Z: Yeah, to some berk fresh out of secondary school!
Xander: I think this is just some womanist ranting. You know, we’re from Mars, that’s a couple planets away, Z. I think you need to abort the mission.
Z: I’m not on a buggering mission! (hurls pillow at Xander) I’m trying to get a force! A demon fighting force!
Spike: We’re not a force! We’re two guys and a girl!
Xander: Personally I liked that show when it was Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place.
Z: See, that’s what I mean! Ameri-tele pop culture has nothing to do with jack!
Spike and Xander: Who’s Jack?
Z: I meant.... anything!
Xander: “See, that’s what I mean Ameri-tele pop culture has nothing to do with” Omit jack, replace with anything. Yeah, that works.
Z: Again, not really showing me how mature you can be.
Spike: We don’t have to be mature! (stands up and levels himself with Z) You stop telling me what to do and you stop now. You aren’t the boss here, I am. And what I say goes. You got that?
Z: (shoves Spike) Yeah, well, I don’t listen to chain smokers who lost their dead lover’s and can’t move on. See, I don’t think it’s normal for a guy to be crying his balls off about some dusted vampire. And yeah, I can hear you crying. I can hear you saying “Oh, Angel, you hot hunk of the night thing you, come back and shag me like I’ve never been shagged before! I want to be your bitch again, oh please! I want to be your butt monkey! ”
Spike (snarling): You take that back.
Z: No! What are you going to do about it? Hit me!
Spike: All right, I think I will. Just remember when you rock there on the floor, face in your hands, remember, you asked for it.
Spike slams his fist into Z’s face. You hear the impact and you see Z crumble to the ground. We show Spike’s smile and then Z kick him in the face and get to her face, the whole side of her face bruised. Spike grabs her around the waist, trying to throw her, but Z clings to him like a leech, wrapping her legs around his chest and beating his face in like a punching bag. Xander runs around them, a look of worry on his face. He gets kicked in the nose by Z because she got him on his blind side. Spike throws the both of them (Spike and Z, not Z and Xander. Z is like... attached to him, so he figures best way to gain ground, smash her against the sofa) down on the couch, but Z kicks him off her and he lands head first on the hardwood floor. Z straddles him, but he picks her up and slams her against the coffee table, smashing it into pieces. Z coughs and lays there, looking at Spike with a look of pain and she looks into his eyes for some kind of pity. Spike smiles, helps her up and sits her down on the couch.
Xander: Uh... Can I say, what the hell was that about?
Z: I don’t know... I...
Xander: What sort of explanation is that? I know what this is all about. You’re both leaders. And you can’t take it that someone else is trying to move in on your title.
Spike and Z: I’m not a leader.
Xander: Uh-huh. Right. Look, I know you both are all Macho and “Look at my supery powers” but I think in order for us to be that thrusting force you so deeply desire us to be, Z, you both have to work out your issues. In a nonviolent way.
Spike: I haven’t got any issues! This is my house! This is my damn city! Dammit, this is my country! And you both come right on it like it’s your bloody obligation! And I guess I’ve been so lonely, I let you take over, but that’s it! I don’t want you to take over! It’s my house, you have no right to take control of my food and my beds and my shower and my shampoo, yes, I know you used that up. It’s my future, you have no right to come in and change the way I was fated or the way I have to look at things ‘cause in case you can’t see it, I’m not majorly concerned about the buggering big picture because the big picture isn’t about me. It’s my city, I came here to be away from this, this people stuff because I had to find out who Spike was because I was all... human. It’s my mission because I’m the one who the PTB wanted so desperately that they killed all the other champions so I had a reason to stand. It’s my pain because you didn’t love Angel the way I did and you won’t begin to understand the way I loved Angel. You didn’t love Buffy the way I did because I loved her more than I’ve loved anything and she deserves to be dealing with you wipes, not me. It’s my life, mine. I took these wrong choices, I got this bloody worthless reward that’s really more trouble than it’s worth, I have to pay the price and I have to carry out whatever the hell it is the stupid Powers want me to carry out by myself because in the end, you aren’t the champion and the fate of the world doesn't rest on your shoulders. And it’s me, because you’re trying to break me. You can’t come in here expecting to shove the bit in my mouth and lead me like a good little pony, because I’m here to tell you, I’m not a pony. I’m a bloody stallion and as soon as you mount up or draw up those reins, you get knocked off. So, yeah, maybe I do have issues. But now that I’ve said all that and had to breath... I think my issues are all out in the open. (sits down on the couch, huffs, and crosses arms over chest, pouting)
Xander: (applauds) The comedic stylings of Mister William the Bloody, ladies and gentlemen.
Z: Yeah... (gulps) Well... That’s... uh....
Spike: True. It’s all from this heart that beats. And these lungs that breath. And this blood that pumps in my veins. And the color in my cheeks. And the tan to my skin. Everything I’ve ever said came from those places, but I think the fact that they’re all moving and there and real... I think that just makes it mean more.
Z: No, it just makes you a better man than a lot of ‘em. Some of them have always been entitled to the beating and the breathing and the pumping and the color cheeking and the tanning, but they never meant what they said. Spike, I know you probably... I’m sure this isn’t something you expect to hear from me or something you get a lot of, but... But you’re an incredible man. Your power, your strength, your weakness, you soul, your nature, your poet’s heart... You’re... You’re... Spike, I know some of that wasn’t directed at me, but I realize a lot of it was. And I can’t apologize because I’m not the kind of person that backs down and I’m not the kind of person that willingly opens up so wide like you do, but... But I will. I’m sorry. I know I came in here with an attitude I can’t back up and I came in here wanting to take charge because things weren’t going my way and that’s just because... That’s just because everyone always looked down on me and Rome was a chance not to be looken down on. But I guess I didn’t earn anything that way, huh?
Spike: You did. You earned something this way. You something earned by being Z. Whoever the hell she is. And if you stay true to Z, then you earn the respect you’re looking for without such a big struggle.
Z: Should we... Is... Do we hug?
Spike: (shifts and scoots away from Z a little) Um, no. No, we... We don’t hug.
Z: (clears throat) Right, right, just checking.
Xander: Now, see? That wasn’t so hard was it? We’ve worked out all our personal issues without the breaking and the smashing and the “Ow! Oh God!”ing. Xander has no issues. He is the Buddha that brings the peace.
Z: (slaps his stomach) Yeah, I’m starting to see the resemblance.
Spike: So... now that our hearts have been barfed out and eaten alive... Where do we go from here?
Z: I got some information on a demon-
Xander: Before we get into the riveting demon talk, I’m deeply curious. None of us are deeply “This is my story, I shall tell ye all”. But I think it’s time... If we’re going to be that thrusting-
Spike: There will be no thrusting.
Xander: Spoil my fun. If we’re going to be this force, if that floats your boat, we have to know each other. Better. More. We have to know everything about each other. And I think the person who should have his beans spilled first is Spike.
Spike: I spilled enough of my beans already.
Z: No, you haven’t. Until your guts are all ripped open and blluuug, you haven’t spilled enough.
Spike: What if I said my guts were all ripped open and blluuug.
Xander: We wouldn’t believe you. Now let’s see some blluuug.
Spike: Fine, you want the Spike story, huh? (They nod) From where?
Xander: From the alley. On that rainy night. With the dragon.
Spike: Right, well, I’m not going to give hefty details-
Z: No, you mustn’t refrain from the heft, mate.
Spike: As I was starting to say, I toasted all the things the Senior Partners could throw at me. I scooped up ‘Llyria, that’s the Fallen God King, and ran like hell. I managed to get to the little town outside of the big crater that is now Sunnydale, the one with the flea bag motel? Right, I crashed and when I woke up, there was this glowly girl. Kinda looked like Cordelia, but she wasn’t. She couldn’t have been since Cordelia was in a coma. Anyway, she threw her arms out and said “William Shane has been returned to the fold”. And I got my humanness back. It hurt like a mother, getting my heart to start again and the need to breath, mighty pesky. She disappeared long before I recovered and it took Illyria to tell me what was going on. She remembered the prophecy. The one that I always assumed Angel was going to fulfill. But when he got dusted in the battle, well, I guess, they decided it was me. Either they decided or it was fate. He stepped in front of a stake aimed at me, so I say they just settled with the other vampire with a soul for the reward because they had that stupid human life that wasn’t doing anything. So I got it. I decided since Angel was gone and I was all heart-of-the-beating, I would go up to Rome and look up Buffy again. This time Angel and The Immortal wouldn’t stand in my way. Well, I got up here and Andrew told me she was long gone and that he was packing up to go to Scotland for the Slayery peoples. Yeah, for about six months, I bummed out, getting nagged by Illyria until finally she dragged me before the new Oracles and demanded that they give me my vampiric powers back so I could fight for them, every bit the champion they had desired me to be, so they said I would have to sacrifice a life, I assumed mine and that I would get turned back into a vampire with a soul, but no. They took ‘Llyria and gave me the powers. The super strength and the heightened senses and then you two came in the picture and it all leads to right now. You happy? I’m thirsty after all this talking. (Gets up, uses really cool electric refrigerator to make himself a glass of water)
Xander: Interesting, that. Your sir name is Shane?
Spike: (drinks from glass, wipes mouth) Yeah. That surprise you?
Xander: At this point, nothing surprises me.
Z: Yeah, that was all very informative and stuff, but we do have a mission here.
Spike: Thank God for the mission. So, where are we going tonight?
Z: Mamma Mia. It’s a.. different bar.... Very different, but I think you’ll... enjoy yourselves.... There is this kid, Billy, he told me his boss and their Special Cases department are summoning this demon tonight. I don’t know to trust him or not, but... I think it’s the best lead we’ve got.
Xander (in Texas accent): Sounds excitin’.
Spike: Right, what time did he say?
Z: He didn’t give specifics, but he said before dark. They were summoning the demon at sun down.
Spike: Right, that means we’ve got to load up before 6:02. (glances at electric clock) It’s 3:23 right now.
Xander: How do you know when it gets dark?
Spike: Habit, I guess. Doesn't really matter. We have some time to kill. I say Mario Party 4 Mini Game Showdown.
Z: I call second player. Xander plays winner.
Xander: She always gets to be second first!
Spike: Oh, grow up.
END ACT
Act Three, Scene Four, “But It’s A Gay Bar!”
Enter outside Momma Mia’s. Z is smiling nervously at infuriated and embarrassed and ashamed Spike and Xander.
Z: I was going to tell you, really.
Spike: Were you? What stopped you? Could it be that you didn’t want to feel the wrath of Spike ‘cause it’s starting to peek out again.
Xander: What were you even thinking? See, I’m thinking this is a Z thing. Spike, do you share my thought of this being a Z thing?
Spike: I think this is a Z thing.
Z: Well, Z thinks this is an us thing. That thrusting force!
Spike and Xander: There is no thrusting!
Z: I just meant... Look, you guys, grow up. I know you aren’t gay. I know that and that’s enough.
Xander: But they don’t know that! The gay men that like to pinch attractive male asses, they don’t know that!
Spike: You don’t have to worry, Xander. You don’t have an attractive ass.
Xander: That’s not the point! They won’t know that either! It’s just... (whimpers) I’m not gay.
Z: Judging by the intense homophobia of both of you, I’m thinking you aren’t as on the straight road as you’d like me to think.
Spike: You don’t understand. Two single males don’t walk in together. We can’t be... (gulps) We’re not going to be single, are we?
Z: Hey, it’ll keep those ass pinchers off you, aye?
Xander: (glares at Spike) Now, it’s not the ass pincher’s I’m concerned about.
Z: It’s not hard. Just hold hands when we get in there. Maybe talk to some people about being together, they’ll... understand.
Spike: I don’t understand why we have to go undercover at all. If we just told people we were Private Investigators-
Z: They’d ask for a badge. Do you have one, Spike?
Spike: Well, no, but-
Z: Don’t you dare finish that sentence. It won’t be that hard, all right? Hey, I’ll even dance with a girl if it makes you happy.
Xander: Definite happy there. If it’s for a good cause...
Spike: As long as I don’t have to do it again....
Z: Those are my boys.
Spike: But it’s a gay bar!
Z: And tomorrow you’ll say “But it’s an African American bar!” Chill out, whitey, will ya?
Z wraps her arms around the pair and smiles.
Z (continued): Now, hold hands.
END SCENE
Act Three, Scene Five, “The Dance”
Enter with Spike and Xander entering the bar, hand in hand, grimacing. Z comes in behind them.
Spike: All right, you pick up a girl mighty fast. Get a dance, then we’re straight to business. No pun intended.
Z: Sounds like a straight guy’s plan to me. (nods and is off to pick up her girl)
Spike: (pulls hand away from Xander’s super fast) Right, let’s go be... social...
Xander (wipes hand on his pants): Uh-huh.
The two set off on their loverly journey into the gay world. They go to the bar and a guy gives the eyes to Spike, who grabs Xander’s arm, giving him his “Sorry, but...” smile.
Gay Guy #1: You with him?
Spike: Yeah. Him? (Indicates Xander. Gay Guy #1 nods) Yeah. This is my boyfriend.
Xander (whispers): Real slick. “Him? Or do you mean that guy way over on the other side of the bar and not the one I’m hindering proper blood flow for by squeezing his arm like my life depended on it?”
Spike (whispers): Well, it bloody well might!
Xander rolls his eyes.
Spike (continued): Well, it might!
Xander: Look, I don’t like this situation any more than you, but you could lay off with the undercover. Like letting go of me for a second?
Spike: Oh, right. (Lets go of Xander) Sorry.
Cut to Z and her girl.
Z: So you come here a lot, huh?
Clare: Yeah. Just looking for the right girl, you know.
Z: Yeah, yeah. They’re so hard to find. Especially in Italy. Lucky us though, we moved in to the American tourist place.
Clare: Us?
Z: Oh, yeah. Me and my roommates over there. See ‘em? Spike and Xander.
Clare: Are they an item?
Z: Uh-huh. Couple months. They come here to dance.
Clare: Wow. Well, do you want to go out with them? Like... us?
Z: Oh, yeah. You want them to come with us?
Clare: Yeah, that would be fun?
Z: Definite fun there.
Cut to Spike and Xander being approached by Z with Clare holding her hand.
Z: You guys wanna come dance with us?
Spike: I don’t dance.
Xander: Nonsense. Spike here is a dancing master. You ladies will probably have a lot more fun with just him. I’m a two left feet kinda guy, really.
Clare: Well, we aren’t really interested in Spike that way, no offense. Come on, what, you guys been going out a couple months? (looks to Z who nods) And you come here to dance, so come on!
Z: Clare wants you to come.
Z grabs Spike hand and Clare grabs Xander and they lead the boys to the dance floor. Now bare with me for this description ‘cause this subject material, way up to change. But anyway, Z starts dancing with Clare very well. Very much calm, friend to friend dancing. Spike and Xander aren’t moving at all except little bounces on the balls of their feet and occasional couple steps. They only look at each other to give the other an evil glare.
Z: Come on boys! Dance like you mean it. (spanks Spike and makes him jump)
The rock ‘n’ roll song ends and a slow dance song comes on. Spike and Xander groan in unison. Z puts her hands in the dominant places (Don’t ask me. I never danced with a girl before. *shrug*) and Clare and Z begin there loverly dance. Xander and Spike reluctantly put heir hands on each other’s shoulders and waists, practically gagging. They start to dance to the music, touching each other as lightly as possible, grimaces and disgust clearly written on their faces. Z is just fine with it, but the boys, they’re having a hard time with it. The song ends and they snap apart like magnets from the same poles.
Spike (very quick like bunnyness): Great dance.
Xander (^_^): Yeah. Well....
Spike(^^_^^): Right. Well...
They run to opposite sides of the bar just as a big brigade of demons breaks down the door lead by Billy boy.
Billy: Sorry, Z, I lied.
Z: Holy sh-
END SCENE
Act Three, Scene Six, “Kong-Pow”
Enter with Spike running up to a demon, punching and getting his fist caught by the demon.
Z: You lied, you little mother fu-
Billy: Well, why not? I mean, come on! You’re so pompous and self righteous, just the type to trap. My boss’ll pay a pretty penny for you. And no, I’m not an intern and no, I don’t live in Maine. Hell, I live right here in Rome. You just can’t read me.
Z: I did read you.
Billy: You read what I wanted you to read. It’s called, um, what do you call it? Sabotage.
Z: But... You’re human, I can sense it!
Billy: Even humans can be protected by magick, can’t we? Now, you call off your boy-
Spike: I’m not her boy.
Billy: Oh, that’s right. You’d be his (indicates Xander) boy, wouldn’t you?
Xander: He is not! I resent that!
Billy: Saw that dance. Oh, how touching. Star-crossed lovers-
Spike gives the guy a good punch, but the guy’s like steel and stops his punchiness. The demons attempt to get Z, but she makes a face like she’s thinking really hard, throws out her hands and blasts the demons back as if with her mind (Which it is, might I add).
Xander: Where did you learn to do that?
Z: I told you, full potential with the mind reading package. Guess I got a little piece, huh?
Xander: That can come in handy.
Z: Yeah, but not as much as this. (kicks demon in the gut) The kong-pow name still means something.
We see Spike get thrown across the bar, arms and legs flailing. He hits the wall, flips up and pounces, yelling, on the first demon he can get hold of. He punches and punches and punches until we hear the satisfying crack of a neck.
Cut to Z and Xander beating some demons back. Billy just stands watching, laughing at the attempts of them. But Z kills to with a pool stick through the neck that she grabs out of a gay guy’s hands. Xander cracks a neck and Clare joins the fight, spearing demon neck on a high heel.
Spike makes his way through demon corpes to Billy and gives him a kick. The guy’s like steel, even sounds like it. But Spike notices a chain around his neck holding an amulet. He garbs the chain, yanks it clean off Billy’s neck and smashes the shiny amulet beaneath his boot. The demons fade and Billy combusts into ash.
Spike: Why is it always the easy thing that kills ‘em? I was ready to that beat that bugger to a bloody pulp.
END ACT
Act Four, Scene Seven, “A Job Well Done”
Enter with group panting, gay bar patrons staring at them like they’re pyshco. Spike gives them his “You want to mess with me?” shrug. Z just smiles. Xander decides to explain.
Xander: They had a skin condition.
Gay Guy #2: And they just... Melted?
Z: Well, it was so bad that-
Spike: Bugger it. You just imagined it.
Gay Guy #2: Oh good. I thought I was going crazy or something.
The patrons of the bar all run out except Clare.
Clare: What kind of demon was that?
Z: I dunno. We were here to stop a summoning orginally, but in this buisness, nothing is as it seems. They wanted me. I can understand why, though.
Clare: You’re a mind reader, right?
Z: Yeah. Are you... You’re one two, aren’t you?
Clare: Yeah. I came here for a similar reason. I’m not really gay. Hate to-
Z: Oh, me neither! And Spike and Xander, not gay.
Clare: Now that, I could read without tapping into their minds.
Spike: Well, I’m going to go home and take a long, hot shower.
Xander: Don’t use up all the hot water this time. I had to touch you and smell your blood breath. A breath mint wouldn’t hurt, would it?
Spike: I don’t eat blood anymore.
Xander: Well, I’ll believe that when I see it.
Spike: I would throw up if I ate blood, you poof.
Z: Well, bye Clare. I better get these to home before the sexual tension becomes to much to bear and they just have it.
Spike and Xander: Hey!
Clare: Sounds like a good plan to me. Hey, a job well done to you, boys. (Exits out the door)
Spike: Well, let’s go home, then.
Z: Home. You mean...
Spike: My home is your home.
Xander: Is it mine too?
Spike: Sadly. But not in a gay way.
Xander: Oh, don’t even suggest that. (pretends to vomit)
Z: Home. Sounds so comforting. Xander, don’t hog the covers tonight. Spike keeps the air conditoner way high.
Xander: Well, you could wear something more than a T-Shirt.
Spike: Really don’t need to hear this.
Z: Home. Home. Home-
Xander: You can stop saying that anytime soon.
The three heros walk out of the bar, laughing and getting on each other’s nerves.
FINE!
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