She sat there, choking on her tears. Every night since that night was the same. She’d patrol and then she’d come home and she’d cry. It seemed as though the pain got worse with each day she had to live without him, living with the knowledge that she alone had destroyed him. And every day she would wake up and pray that it was only a dream, that the heartache of the past months wasn’t real, praying that she would find him and he would be Angel.
Looking at him hurt so much. Seeing his face, seeing Angel’s smile which had now become so gleefully wicked and seeing the evil that lurked behind his eyes. Every time she looked at him, those eyes pierced her heart. They weren’t Angel’s eyes, yet they were. Confusion overflowed her, and her gut instinct was always to run to him, to feel his arms surround her, to feel safe in him, but she knew that the Angel she loved was gone. Having to look at him, and suppress the urge to run to him shattered her heart.
Buffy found that pummeling his minions didn’t help alleviate her pain, but only reinforced her guilt. She was at a loss, feeling an overwhelming sense of emptiness inside of her, and the only thing that made sense to her was singing. Buffy had always been a "closet" singer. She had a love for it, and a talent for it, but somehow singing only made her feel worse. Buffy had found one song in particular that summed up her pain, and she sang it repeatedly as a form of suffering.
All Buffy wanted to do was punish herself, because she blamed only herself for the demise of Angel and the return of Angelus.
When I look at you
What I always see
Is the face of someone else who once belonged to me
Still I can hear him laugh
And even though that melody plays on
He’s gone
Spike stopped mid-stroll when he heard that voice calling to him. He had been out for a walk, relishing in the riddance of his wheel chair when the voice took control of him.
When I look at you
He is standing there
I can almost breathe him in like summer in the air
Why do you smile his smile?
That heaven I’d for gotten eases through
In you
Spike followed the sound, having recognized it as being from the musical The Scarlet Pimpernel.
He’d have to look it up. He was getting closer to the voice, and he could feel the pain and the sincerity with which she was singing. He felt his heart go out to her for he, too, had lost his love.
If you could look at me once more
With all the love you felt before
If you and I could only dance into the past
And find that love we knew
I’d never take my eyes away from you
When I look at you
He is touching me
I would reach for him
But who can hold a memory?
And love isn’t everything
This moonlight on the bed will melt away
Someday
Spike had located the house, and was more than surprised when he saw who the melodious voice belonged to.
he thought.
He knew his chances of being staked were extremely high if she caught him outside her house, but he was enchanted by her. As he climbed the tree outside her window, he felt his undead heart ache for her.
With the thought that Angelus was basking in this innocent girl’s pain, Spike felt his anger for his sire grow, and the only thing that stopped him from running home to rip off Angelus’ poofy head was the voice.
But you were once that someone who I followed like a star
Then suddenly you changed
And now I don’t know who you are
Or could it be that I never really knew you from the start?
Spike watched as the tears welled up in her eyes, and for some unexplainable reason, he, William the Bloody, began to cry as well. He was disgusted with himself for crying for his mortal enemy; he didn’t know why he even cared. But as she sang on, he began to care more and more. He wanted more than anything just to hold her shaking form and dry her tears. Dry her tears? No, he wanted to end her tears. Why, though?
Perhaps it was because Spike had always had a soft spot for music, singing in particular. For a brief moment, he remembered the days when Angelus used to sing to him. There was one song that he had especially loved, but it was so long ago that he couldn’t for the unlife of him remember what it was. At any rate, he just couldn’t explain why he was having fuzzy feelings toward his sworn enemy, so he closed his mind and let her voice carry him away.
Did I create a dream?
Was he a fantasy?
Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me
Buffy couldn’t really explain why, but suddenly she felt comforted, as if someone were watching over her, the way Angel used to do when he had his soul. She dried her tears, then turned out the light, and slept for the first time since Angel changed.
Now remembering is all that I can do
Because I miss him so
When I look at you
The words echoed through Spike’s mind, and he made a vow to himself that he would take away her pain. From that moment on, Spike was caught under Buffy’s spell, and he knew that despite the fact that she was a Slayer, he a vampire, despite everything holding them apart, they would find a way to be together.
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