The two sat across from each other. Neither spoke. Connor’s confession made the air in the room seem thicker, less breathable. Angel even felt it, although he didn’t need to breathe.
Angel fought to find words. “I always . . . the girl in the warehouse. I always thought that you . . . did it all.”
“Would that make a difference?” Connor looked at the ground. He was crying the way he had that night almost two years ago.
“It does. It’s not much of a difference. But it’s a difference.”
“Does that make me somehow better than Willow? She’d done the dirty work this time just as Cordelia had the last time.”
“I think you’re better than Willow, yes,” Angel said.
Connor glared at Angel. He felt an odd kind of fury. He wasn’t sure if he was angry that Angel thought ill of Willow or offended that Angel saw fit to sit in judgment of either Willow or Connor.
“I wasn’t a good father to you.”
“Oh, stop it,” Connor said, annoyed at Angel’s self-pity.
“What? You think I like admitting that? I hate admitting I’m bad at anything, let alone something that important. But when you were alone with Gunn and Fred-”
“Can we not-”
“When you were alone with Gunn and Fred,” Angel raised his voice. Once he was sure Connor would listen, he continued. “You were at least the, the semblance of a normal kid.”
“The stuff between us wasn’t entirely your fault.”
“It wasn’t entirely yours, either. Cordy told me not to lie to you. She told me to let you know I was going to see Holtz.” Angel grabbed his hair and put his head down. “If I had just listened! If I hadn’t thrown you out of the hotel. If I’d just, just told you when Cordy was evil before we confronted her!”
“Yeah,” Connor laughed. “That last one was actually pretty dumb.”
Angel managed a slight laugh despite his despondent state. “When Wes rescued me . . . I should have just . . . I should have just left you to stay with Gunn and Fred.”
“Hey. I’m happy about where I am now.” Connor looked down, suddenly struck by the price of his being where he was. “Gunn and Fred are dead now.”
“Yes,” Angel said.
“And Wes.”
“And Cordy.” Angel realized her name was becoming less taboo in their personal lexicon. “But Lorne’s out there somewhere.”
“He doesn’t even remember me. Probably better that way.”
“Probably.” Angel looked at Connor’s dresser. He could tell by the lack of dust on the picture of Connor and Emily that the photo had only been recently restored to its status as dresser-worthy. “When do I meet this girl of yours?”
“I don’t know. You’ll like her. She’s a werewolf.”
Angel looked up at Connor, grinned, and shook his head. “Your Oedipal complex is just out of control.”
Connor grinned back. “Yeah, well . . . if it ain’t broke . . .”
“You have a couple weeks off for winter break, right?”
Connor nodded.
“Want to come to New York? You and your girl.”
“Her name’s Emily. And I’ll have to check with my parents. And she’ll have to check with hers. And we’ll both have to lie and saying we’re going with members of the same sex.”
Angel smiled. “So, basically you’ll have to do typical college student stuff.”
“Exactly.”
**
“Maybe you’re a super-genius who doesn’t need to study, but I’m not,” Emily said as she walked toward the Braun Music Center.
Connor rolled his eyes. “Em, I’m talking about a couple days, not the entire week. I know these will be your first college finals, but trust me. It won’t be that bad.”
Dead Week was the week between the last day of classes and the first day of finals. The purpose was to give students a week to study before their final exams. Of course, many students took that time to have parties or take mini-vacations. Connor was suggesting just such a vacation now.
“Connor, I’m not going to be able to study for three nights during Dead Week.”
“Why not?” Connor asked. Emily stared at him condescendingly. “Oh,” Connor said as realization dawned on him. “Right.”
Connor thought a moment. “Okay, then those’ll be the nights we go. During the day, we can hike and canoe and stuff like that. Then at night, I’ll chain you up in the cabin and feed you raw meat.”
Emily smiled slightly. “Kinky.”
“Come on. You can’t spend four years in California and not see Yosemite.”
Emily smiled slightly. “I’ll go under one condition.”
“Never mind. We’ll just stay here.”
“I haven’t even said.”
“But I know what it’s going to be. You’re going to ask if Dawn can come. And you know what? I’m sick of Dawn and her crush on me that was cute for exactly six and a half seconds. And yeah, I know she gave you the big Connor’s-your-soul-mate talk that got us back together. But she’s still a pain in the ass. And I’m not talking ouch, I sat on a thumb tack pain. I’m talking a chili-powder covered dagger in the rectum pain.”
“Moving on from that pleasant image, what I was going to request is that you tell me about this mysterious Megan.”
“Megan’s mysterious?”
“She is to me.”
“I don’t ask you about your ex-boyfriends.”
“I don’t have any ex-boyfriends.”
“Tell that to someone who hasn’t seen pictures from your cotillion.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Jed and I-”
“Jed?” Connor laughed. “You want to a dance with a guy named Jed?”
“The closest we got was kissing.”
“Why do you want to know about Megan? What do you want to know about Megan?”
“Did you two sleep together?”
Connor rolled his eyes and considered lying just so he could be done with the conversation. “Yeah,” he answered grumpily, opting to tell the truth.
“More than once?”
“Don’t you have class?” Connor asked, nodding to the music building.
“More than once?”
Connor frowned. “Yeah.”
“Why’d you break up?”
“It’s personal.”
“You don’t want to talk about personal things with me?”
“It’s . . . it’s personal for her, okay?” Connor looked at his watch. “Look, you’re late for class. Should I book the cabin or not?”
“Sure. Go ahead.”
***
“Where do you want to stop to eat?” Connor asked.
Emily shrugged. She was still sulking from earlier. “I don’t care.”
“Is In-N-Out okay? I know you crave red meat this time of the month.”
“Whatever.”
“Are you going to be like this the whole trip? I’m just asking cuz my friend Terry’s going to be up in Yosemite, too. If you’re going to be upset the whole time, I want to call him and set up a meeting while my cell phone still has reception.”
“Why wont’ you tell me what happened with Megan? You give her an STD or something?”
“Look, she’s . . . she left me, okay? For someone else. Kind of. Well, no, that’s how it happened.”
“But you’re still friends with her? Even though she dumped you for another guy.”
“Yeah. I . . . .I kind of knew she liked other . . . why do you want to talk about this?”
“Because it’s threatening. You chat on the phone and are all buddy, buddy with this girl you used to have sex with. It makes me worry you’ll leave me for her.”
“That won’t happen. She’s not into me like that. And the only girl I’m into like that is you. We’re friends because we’re friends. We both run track. We see each other. We have some of the same friends. That’s it.”
Connor gripped the steering wheel angrily. “And god damn it, I just passed the In-N-Out!”
****
“Shhh . . .” Connor whispered as he stroked the agitated wolf. “It’s okay. You want more food? Is that it?”
He removed another raw steak from the cooler and gave it to Emily. Connor still marveled at the fact that the wolf didn’t shred him to bits. He wondered if it was simply that the wolf recognized some difference between Connor and other humans. Perhaps his heightened senses were somehow perceptible to the beast. Perhaps it felt a presence that was similar to it. Primal. Still, Connor kept the tranq gun by his side, just in case.
The wolf tore at the steak for a moment, then began pulling at its chains again. She was agitated even more so than usual tonight. The wolf never liked being constricted. Even in her cage, the wolf paced furiously. Maybe chaining her up made her feel even more restless. Or perhaps it was the glut of animals that inhabited Yosemite Valley. The wolf must have the scent in her nostrils. How could she resist so much prey so close in proximity?
Whether it was the chains or the animals of the forest, Connor knew staying in Yosemite during a full moon was probably a bad idea. Besides, Emily was missing Yosemite at night, which was a wonder almost completely different than the park during daylight hours.
Despite his best efforts, Connor began dozing off to sleep around three in the morning. Suddenly, his eyes sprung open at a familiar sound in the distance. At first, he thought it was his imagination until he heard it again and Emily responded. It was a werewolf call.
Connor jumped to his feet and grabbed the rifle and tranq darts. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked himself as he began pacing the cabin. “The wolf’s got to be almost a mile away.”
Emily howled again in response to the other wolf’s howl. “But if she keeps howling, the wolf’s going to come here, right? What am I even talking about?! I can’t leave it out there when people are around.”
Connor shook his head vehemently as he continued his debate with himself. “No. No, I’m not getting involved with this stuff. Emily’s my girlfriend. She’s different. But this other wolf is not my problem. My mother would kill me if she knew I got involved with something like this.”
Connor wanted to tell himself that his mother would really want him to do the right thing. Really, he wasn’t sure. She really did want him staying away from all of this.
“It’s not like I went looking for trouble. But I can’t leave Emily alone when she’s . . .” Connor frowned as he raised the rifle. “Sorry, baby.” Connor fired the dart, hitting Emily in the chest. He stuffed the extra tranq darts in his backpack, slung the rifle over his shoulder, and headed out to find the other wolf.
*****
Connor shot through woods like he had a homing beacon on the wolf. He hated these moments, yet they were also somehow comforting. He was dangerous now. He could feel his false life slipping away. Strangely, though, it allowed him to feel a kind of communion with Emily. Just as the wolf was always in part of her, a part of him was always in Quar’Toth. He could ignore it and control it and even pretend it never happened. But that primal voice was always just beneath the surface, whispering to him. You are the destroyer.
Connor changed course and sprinted left. He and the wolf were scaring off every other animal in the woods. They were the only things moving. Finding each other would be easy. Everything in this place wants you dead.
Connor leapt a stream and began cutting back toward the Ahwahnee Lodge. That made sense. If you’re going to have a snack, you might as well eat rich people. If you want to survive, you have to kill.
He’d lost it. The control was gone. The trees were trying to eat him. The ground wasn’t hot as lava. The wind wasn’t so harshly cold it caused frost bite in minutes. Yet in this moment, the woods of Yosemite became Quar’Toth. Connor had forgotten everything of this life. His parents, his school, and most importantly, at least for the immediate situation, Connor forgot technology.
The wolf reared on its hind legs as Connor jolted out in front of it. Instead of firing the tranq rifle, Connor held the barrel and the butt and slammed it into the wolf’s face. The beast stumbled back and let out an agitated roar. Connor growled, literally growled, at the beast.
Suddenly, Connor’s attention was drawn elsewhere. He wasn’t sure if it was the footsteps or the bullet whizzing through the air that first got his attention, but he knew someone was there and firing in his general direction.
Connor hit the ground and quickly scanned the area, looking for the muzzle flash. He could make out a figure moving in the distance. The wolf ran off in the opposite direction and the figure fired again. Connor recognized the gunman as Cain.
From the ground, Connor quickly fired a tranq dart at the wolf, missing it. The wolf was now out of sight, so Connor rolled back toward Cain. He fired another tranq dart at Cain. Cain too had taken cover and opened fire at Connor.
The shots had Connor pinned behind a large tree trunk. “Gonna shoot me again?”
“Reilly?” Cain yelled back. “Connor Reilly? Shoulda figured you’d be the one out here protecting the werewolves of California.”
“It’s a hobby.” He could hear Cain slowly creeping back toward his car. Connor was in another quandary. He wasn’t sure whether to pursue Cain or the wolf. Cain would likely lead to the wolf, but perhaps not before it did some damage. On the other hand, if he followed the wolf, Cain could go after . . .
“Emily,” Connor said as he heard a howl in the distance. The howl was followed by the sound of a door slamming and a van taking off.
Connor jumped to his feet and ran hard back toward the cabin. Cain would be following the werewolf. The werewolf would be headed toward the only other of its kind.
Connor leapt the creek and ran hard for the cabin just as the wolf charged up to it, ripping the cabin door off. Cain’s van skidded to a stop. Again, Connor was torn between stopping Cain and stopping the wolf. He fumbled to get the tranq dart into the rifle. Cain raised his rifle just as Connor raised his. Both fired.
The silver bullet slammed into the wolf’s shoulder and it let out a streak of pain. Connor’s dart whizzed past Cain and shattered the window of his van. The wolf ran into the woods. Cain began to chase it, but stopped at the door.
Connor ran for the cabin. As he ran, he raised his rifle again and took one last desperate shot before Cain disappeared inside. Connor chucked the tranq rifle and ran into the cabin. He threw his full weight (all 140 ponds of it) into Cain’s back.
Cain had been aiming his rifle at the chained Emily. The force knocked him forward and he fired into the wall. Connor ripped the rifle from Cain’s hand and slammed the butt of it into the werewolf hunter’s nose. Connor heard the sound of bone cracking just as the scent of Cain’s blood filled the cabin.
Cain raised his left hand to cover his broken and bloodied nose. His right reached for his hip and pulled out a bowie knife. “I’m going to gut you, then skin your little pet alive.”
Connor quickly grabbed Cain’s right wrist and twisted it. The wrist snapped, forcing him to drop the knife. Connor shoved Cain to the ground. Cain quickly reached out grabbing his knife.
Connor slammed his foot down on Cain’s good arm and kneeled on the downed man’s chest. Connor pulled the knife from Cain’s hand.
“You’re going to skin my pet alive?” Connor’s eyes almost glowing with feral rage.
“It was nothing personal ‘til you broke my nose, kid. Selling their hides is how I make my living.”
Connor pushed Cain’s face so that the right side of the hunter’s head was against the ground. He gripped Cain’s left ear, lowered the bowie knife. “This is how it feels when someone takes part of your body as a trophy.”
Connor quickly sliced down, lopping off Cain’s left ear. The woods filled with the sound of Cain’s agonized cries.
“Hunt some thing else! Mayehschak demons have valuable hides. Maybe you could hunt them.”
Cain was now struggling against Connor. He wasn’t trying to fight, merely to cover his broken nose and bleeding ear with his hands.
Connor pushed Cain’s hands back and snarled menacingly at the man. “If I ever find out you’re hunting werewolves, then I’ll make sure you know how it feels to be hunted, too.”
Connor punched Cain in the temple. Cain’s eyes rolled back as the man passed out.
Connor felt the anger wash out of him as a wave of panic rolled in. Cain might go into shock if not treated soon. He might even die. Finding a werewolf and keeping Emily under wraps on top of that made Connor feel overwhelmed.
Luckily, the sun was coming up. That took care of Emily and the other wolf. But he should call Willow and Kennedy to come find the other wolf in the coming night. First he should call an ambulance for Cain. He needed to talk to Angel, too.
“Damn, I have a lot of calls to make,” Connor said as he opened his cooler and put Cain’s ear on ice.
Behind him, he heard gasps of breath that were unmistakably human. Sunlight was shining through the window. Connor quickly tossed Emily the keys to her chains and a robe.
He picked up the phone and dialed 911. “Hey. I need an ambulance at cabin 420 in Curry Village. We’re at the top of the hill.”
******
“Connor!” Willow called as she ran through the hospital hall with Dawn in tow. She grabbed Connor and hugged him.
“Hey,” Connor said, his eyes blood shot from a night without sleep.
“We got your message,” Dawn said. “Um, duh, I guess, since we’re here.”
“What happened?” Willow asked.
Connor looked around. “We should go somewhere private.”
*******
“And that’s why you don’t want to hunt this wolf tonight,” Willow said, understanding completely. “You’re afraid you’ll . . .”
“Yeah. I’m afraid I’ll go all Quar’Toth on someone else.”
“At least you’re not going to jail,” Dawn said. “Cain was just acquitted of shooting you. He arrived after you, without a reservation, in a van full of weapons. It definitely looks like he came up here for revenge.”
Willow made a worried face. “How’d you explain the . . .”
“Ear? I said Cain jumped me with the knife and, in the confusion of fighting and all, I got it. I cut him the first place I could, which was his ear. The cops know the knife was his, because he had a whole set of them, along with a bunch of illegal equipment, in his van.”
Dawn looked back and forth between Willow and Connor. “Why so glum? Cain’s going to jail. Everything’s going to be fine.”
Connor shook his head. “It’s not fi . . . I cut a guy’s ear off! I mean, what the hell? I’m the one who should be going to jail. I . . . I thought I could just choose my . . .” Connor put his head in his hands and started crying.
Willow put her hand on Connor’s shoulder and squeezed it. “You’re right, Connor. It’s not fine. But it will be. First of all, we’re going to make sure you won’t be put in these situations anymore. And after Dawn and I catch this werewolf up here, we’ll go back to Palo Alto and try to figure out a way to . . . I don’t know what. But we’ll figure something out. Okay?”
Connor nodded. “Emily and I are going to head back tonight. We still have time to make it by sundown.”
“That sounds like a good idea,” Willow said, patting Connor’s back.
********
Connor and Emily were making good time. They had to leave the highway earlier due to construction, but the detour route was a long empty road through farmland. They hadn’t passed another car on the road.
Emily had attempted to talk about the previous night, but Connor was evasive. She tried to make small talk, but Connor was sullen and seemed uninterested. Emily, of course, could only conjecture as to what happened, but the scenario seemed obvious enough. She’d gotten out of her chains and torn that man up. Then Connor took the blame for her. Now he was either angry at her for hurting Cain or blaming himself for suggesting this trip.
Highway Hypnosis (or detour road hypnosis) set in and Connor found himself thinking about recent events. He’d have to call Angel as soon as he could. He prayed that Willow was right. He prayed there was something she or Angel or anyone could do to keep him from again reverting to that violent, primal version of himself.
Even now, however, Connor could feel that dark version of himself moving inside him. He could hear it whispering to him. If you want to survive, you have to kill.
This is what Connor was thinking when the other car shot out of the corn field and crashed into the side of his car.
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