Andrew sat, his fate sitting helplessly as on it’s ass. As helplessly on it’s ass as he was sitting helplessly on *his* ass. He was just so lost. He had no idea what to do or what to say or what could possibly set things right. All he knew, this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. It wasn’t the way he had imagined it in his head. It was supposed to turn out happy for the hero. And Andrew wanted to be that dashing hero so bad. The dashing hero that gets to swoop up the guy in his arms and kiss him like he’s never been kissed before. Guess he got the second part done. But in a bad, “Gross, I’m not letting you anywhere near my lips again” way.
Andrew had to do something. If he loved this man, he was going to have to tell him sometime, wasn’t he? And what possible harm could he do? He had done enough, Spike could do in for another big shocker. Andrew took a deep sigh, turned to look at the girls and make sure they were still preoccupied with their little game of Truth or Dare and took small steps to the basement door.
“Uh, Spike?” he called down, opening the door and poking his head in. “Can I... uh... Talk to you?”
“No.”
“You sure? ‘Cause I think you need to hear what I have to say,” Andrew called down nervously. He felt his heart pounding with unimaginable speed in his chest. He was sure it would come popping out at anytime. He felt his lungs tighten and shut out a lot of necessary oxegan, causing him to pant. He felt his sweat glands open up and knew, he just knew, this was the time, there could be and would be no other.
“Fine, fine. Come down. Shut the bloody door behind you.” Andrew tried to surpress a squeak of glee, but it still came out. He quickly covered by slamming the door and rushing down the stairs, nearly tripping when he got down to the bottom. “Look, I’m not sure if you thought that that.... thing we did up there meant more-”
Andrew had to interrupt. He had found the perfect opportunity to slip his two cents in. “I didn’t think, I knew. Spike, I know it probably didn’t mean a whole lot to you, or anything at all really, but it meant a lot to me.” Spike sighed, rolled his eyes and looked down at his hands.
“I should have known this was gonna happen,” he said more to the floor than to Andrew.
“Should have known what was going to happen?” Andrew demanded. “What’s happening? Can you tell me, Spike, ‘cause I’m really interested in knowing what you think is happening.”
“Don’t you get shirty with me!” Spike snapped, pointing a threatening finger.
“I’m not getting... shirty. It’s just... You can’t treat me like some kid. I know what I did and I know how I feel and you can’t completely disregard it just ‘cause... Just ‘cause... I act like a kid sometimes!” Andrew yelled. This wasn’t the speech or the romantics he had in mind, but he was still proud to get the lot of it off his chest.
“But you are a kid, Andrew! You are! I’m 129, you are a kid to me! Don’t you get that?” Spike stopped looking at the floor and met Andrew’s eyes. He felt like his whole stomach had dropped into his feet. He took a gulp and stared back into those eyes, those sapphire eyes, right now so full of confusion. Andrew so desperately wanted to take comfort in those eyes, but he knew there was nothing there for him.
“Yeah, well, guess what, Spock? I’m nineteen! That’s not a lot younger than your little hot muffin, the Vampire Slayer! And I’m older than a lot of the girls upstairs and I’m sure you’ve thought about snuggling some of them! Or worse! So, what’s so right about talking to me like a child? It’s not like your Mister Maturity anyway!” Andrew felt his stomach snap back into place and felt something very similar to satisfaction when Spike’s eyes flashed in pain. But then he all he felt was stupid.
“She’s not a hot muffin,” Spike said quietly. “She’s the one.”
“The one what? Chosen?” Andrew asked, softening his tone to more a comforting level. He was the cause of Spike’s pain, he might as well lighten up.
“No. Well, yeah, but that’s not what I meant.” Spike had returned to looking more interested in the gray concrete beneath his feet than the bo standing in front of him.
“What did you mean then?”
“I meant, she’s the one... for me. The only one. Like I can’t... Love someone else... Ever.” Spike seemed to be pulling these words from that very soul Andrew had fallen for buried inside him. Andrew felt his heart break and reassemble itself at the same time. He hadn’t come down here to make sweet guy on guy love to Spike, no matter how much he might like to say he had, but to just tell him. To just tell him what was in *his* soul. Like Spike was doing for him. Andrew knelt before Spike and took Spike’s hands up in his own. Spike was twitchy at first and didn’t let him take them, but when his eyes met Andrew’s, he calmed and let the boy hold his cold, dead hands in his own warm ones.
“Then you understand how I feel about you. Look, I’m not trying to get anything out of you. When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you, it’s because I love who you are. The strength you bring to me and everyone else around you. The way you try. I love everything about you. And I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I don’t want you to feel like you have to feel the same way about me, but I want you to know. All my life, I’ve never been more sure of anything. You’re the one. The one for me. And if I can’t have you, well, at least I’ll have some peace knowing you knew. You knew what you meant to me. I know I’m kind of rambling. I know this doesn't... Probably doesn't mean a lot to you-”
“It does. I’m telling you it does.” Andrew looked into those sapphire eyes again, and this time, he found that place for him. That place he could be safe and comforted and warm, but somehow, he found he couldn’t take it. He couldn’t slide into that place. Not now. He had to let Spike come all the way to him. He was taking baby steps, but if Andrew sat back and let him climb into his lap, it would make things clearer. For the both of them.
“Spike, I love you. I don’t want you to rush, but I’ll wait for you till the end of time.” Andrew stayed, kneeling, knees digging into the concrete, lost in those perfectly, brilliantly blue eyes. He could see the soul inside and he knew that soul was the one that fit perfectly against his own. Andrew decided he better let Spike be alone, he started to slide his hands out of Spike’s own bigger ones and Spike caught him around the forearms.
“Andrew, listen. I’m not going to be there for you to wait. Yeah, it meant a lot to me that you cared, but I can’t say I care that same way back for you. And I don’t want you to wait for something that’ll never... That can never be.”
Andrew opened his mouth as if to speak, but no words came to his brain. Nothing came and his mouth just hung open. “Andrew, please, don’t bloody look at me like that, I didn’t mean-”
“No, I’m perfectly clear on what you meant. I understand. Affections don’t run that way, right? Can’t go play in left field when you know perfectly well the cool kids play in right. Yeah, I get it. Huh, I should have known.” Andrew felt more angry than hurt, but he knew he was thinking completely irrationally, not that was going to stop him.
“Andrew, it’s not like that, I just-”
“You just love Buffy. Yeah, I get it. You love someone who will never love you back. Guess maybe we do have something in common, huh? Look, I’m just gonna go and be... gone. Hope you... Live forever with someone who was worth breaking a person over.” Andrew turned on his heel, tears springing to his eyes.
“Andrew, Andrew, please! Turn around and listen to me!” Spike yelled after him, but Andrew didn’t stop or even turn around to glance back. Spike leapt up and took two strides catching up with him. He grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, nearly knocking him down.
“What the hell do you want? I’m not gonna waste my time waiting for someone who isn’t going to be there to be waited for,” Andrew said coldly.
“That was harsh, I know, but... God, this is hard. You think this is easy for me? Don’t answer that ‘cause if you said yes, I swear, I’d rip your head off. And don’t you *dare* laugh me or have this on some bloody tape recorder or video camera, ‘cause I’ll *kill* you. But when we kissed, I felt something. I’m not sure what it was or what it would mean to you, but it was something.” Spike stood there, Andrew looked into his eyes and saw that, it wasn’t real. What Spike was saying, no matter how much he wanted it to be, what he was saying wasn’t real. He was saying it out of pity, it didn’t come from that same soul that professed it’s love for Buffy. Andrew gave an appreciative smile and made his way up the stairs, but he left his heart and his soul down at the bottom.
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