“But . . . but . . . but that’s not possible,” Dawn stuttered as Willow began pulling her from the room. "It's unnatural."
“We should go, Dawn,” Willow said. “Let them be alone.”
“This is my hospital room, too!”
Angel glanced at Dawn and closed his eyes. Willow had exceeded his expectations by keeping his secret. He couldn’t imagine Dawn would do the same. Angel looked back to the Reilly’s. Colleen was holding her adoptive son protectively, as if Angel were here to wrench Connor from her arms and take the boy away from those who had raised him.
“I suppose I should have realized,” Laurence said, reaching out and gripping Angel’s hand. “After we came to see you, Connor was . . . different.”
“He had nightmares for months,” Colleen interjected hostily.
“Mom,” Connor said in a reproachful voice.
“Well, it’s true.”
“That’s where he gets them,” Laurence went on. “His special . . . abilities. He inherited them from you.”
“Yes. He got them from me.”
“That doesn’t mean you have the right to storm back into his life and put him in danger,” Colleen yelled.
“Mom, he didn’t. I got into danger all by myself. Wait. Actually, there were a couple other people involved, but Angel wasn’t one of them. He actually got me out of danger. Also with a couple other people.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened son?” Laurence asked.
“It’s a long story.”
Laurence looked at his watch. “Well, visiting hours just started. We have twelve hours to talk.”
**
“We should call Emily,” Willow said as she walked down the hall with Dawn. “Make sure she’s okay.”
“No way,” Dawn said.
“No way we should call your roommate?” Willow asked.
“No way you’re getting off that easy,” Dawn said as she took Willow’s cell phone. “I’m going to call Emily. I’m going to find out if she’s all right. Once I do, you’re going to explain exactly what the hell is going on here!”
Dawn finished dialing and put the phone to her ear.
“Hello,” a young man’s voice answered.
“Hi. I’m Dawn Summers. Emily’s roommate. Is she there?”
“Yeah,” the guy said. “I’m not sure she wants to talk, though.”
“Um . . . what do you mean?”
“Nothing. You say you’re her roommate?”
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“I’m her brother, Craig. Listen, I don’t mean to pry, but was she okay before she came home?”
“What? Why?”
“She’s been in her room sleeping for the whole break.”
“Things were stressful before the break. But maybe I can talk to her.”
Craig tapped on the door. “Em. You want to talk to your roommate?”
Emily answered the door. She was pale with black bags under her eyes. Unbelievably, she was even skinnier now than when the break began. “Sure.” She took the phone and retreated into her room. “What?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Dawn said.
“Peachy,” Emily said sarcastically.
“Listen, Em. There was a spell on us. That kid who summoned the zombies. He put You, me, and Connor into some kind of nightmare coma thingy.”
“Is Connor all right?”
“Yeah. He’s fine.” Dawn glanced at Willow. She didn’t want this phone call to run too long. She didn’t want Willow to get a chance to slip away before the witch explained what was going on with Connor and Angel.
“Em,” Dawn said softly. “I’m sorry I made you feel bad about dating Connor. I . . . like him. Those are my feelings and I can’t really change them. But they’re my feelings. Which means it’s my problem. Not yours.”
There was silence on the line. Emily was listening. Dawn had to go on. “I talked to Willow. She told me what happened the night Connor got shot. She said when you were . . .”
Dawn glanced around to see if anyone was listening. “When you were a wolf, you protected Connor. Do you have any idea how huge that is? Willow dated a werewolf for three years. When he was a wolf, he didn’t know the difference between her and anyone else. Emily, don’t . . . don’t be stupid! When Connor gets back to campus, tell him you want to have a litter of half-werewolf babies with him.”
Dawn glanced at Willow. “Look, I gotta go.”
Emily was crying on the other end. She sniffled and wiped the tears away. “Do you think . . . do you think he’d still-”
“Yeah. I do. Otherwise he’s an idiot.”
Emily smiled slightly. “Thanks.” She paused a moment. “Hey Dawn. Craig says you sound cute.”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “Tell him thanks. I’ll see you back at school.”
Dawn hung up and looked at Willow. “Emily’s fine. Now spill.”
“I should probably call Kennedy and-”
“I said spill.”
Willow frowned. “I’ll make sure Connor explains this to you. But he should be the one to explain it. And Dawn . . . you can’t tell Buffy.”
“Are you kidding?! Angel has a son. A son as old as I am! There’s no way I’m not telling Buffy.”
“Angel didn’t have a son when he . . .” Willow shook her head, not sure how to go on. “Dawn, Angel never deceived Buffy about this when he lived in Sunnydale. This situation is complicated. And it’s personal. If Angel wants Buffy to know, Angel will tell her. And if he doesn’t . . .” Willow sighed. “I always imagined they’d get back together. Their breakup has been as hard for me as it has for anyone besides the two of them. But Angel and Buffy are not in each other’s lives anymore. And this . . . this is none of Buffy’s business.”
Dawn wanted to protest, but she knew Willow was adamant. Besides, when Dawn looked at this situation objectively, instead of as Buffy’s sister, she knew an argument could be made for Willow’s perspective. Ultimately, Dawn’s sisterly love for Buffy brought her around. This information would tear Buffy apart, especially if it came from someone other than Angel.
“Angel should tell her,” Dawn said. “But you’re right. It’s his decision.”
***
“I don’t care!” Colleen shouted, pointing a scolding finger at Angel. “You introduced him into this, this, this . . . darkness.”
Angel’s head was hung low, as if weighed down by the weight of what Colleen was saying.
“Mom, this was my choice!”
“I don’t want you living this life!”
“But it’s my life to live. And I’ll decide what I do and how I’ll live it!” Connor took a breath. “But . . . but I’m not . . . I don’t want to live this life, either. I’m not going to live this life. I’m going to be a doctor or a scientist or . . . I don’t know. Something normal.”
Angel smiled slightly. “That’s what I want for you too.” He looked at Colleen. “That’s why I gave him up in the first place. I didn’t want him to live in this world either. And if he can be a doctor or a scientist or even a garbage man, that’ll make me happy.”
Connor grimaced slightly.
Angel looked at him and gave a half smile. “Don’t worry. Not too happy.”
Laurence Riley looked at his watch again. “Twenty-six minutes. All in all, our quickest argument about Connor’s future to date.”
Connor and Colleen gave a laugh. Even Angel smiled slightly.
“We should probably go get breakfast,” Laurence said. He looked at Angel. “Have you eaten?”
Laurence felt completely uncomfortable in Angel’s presence. Part of him was deeply jealous and possibly even resentful of the man who fathered Connor. Still, Connor seemed more at ease in Angel’s presence than he had in the year since he was hit by the truck. If Angel being around could help Connor cope, Laurence knew he could sacrifice his own comfort for that of his son’s.
“Actually, I have to get back to New York,” Angel said. Despite Connor’s efforts to hide it, Angel could see the hurt in the boy’s face. Angel felt ashamed at being so far away from his son. “But I’ll probably be back in the area before too long.”
“Well, we could get together then,” Laurence said. “If you wanted.”
Angel looked at Connor, then back to his parents. “No, I . . . I don’t want to intrude.”
“You wouldn’t be intruding,” Connor said quickly. He was sure his parents felt differently and didn’t want to give them the chance to say so.
“Connor, you’re safer if I don’t come around.” Angel looked at his son’s adoptive parents. “And you’re in better hands.” He kissed Connor’s forehead. “I love you son. That’s why I let you go before. And that’s why I have to do it again.”
Connor looked down and did his best to hold back his tears. When Angel opened the door, Erin, who had been leaning against the door eavesdropping, fell into the room. Her parents gave her a reproachful look.
“Well . . . it’s my family, too,” Erin said. She walked over to Connor and hugged him.
Angel looked back at Connor, his parents, and his sister. This is what he wanted for Connor. And, as he had said, this is why he had to let him go.
****
Tracy had arrived at the hospital as soon as visiting hours started. She’d given the Reilly’s privacy. Connor was awake and that was all she really wanted to know.
At Colleen’s invitation, Tracy, Willow, and Dawn joined the Reilly’s for breakfast. Connor frequently cast nervous glances at Dawn, wondering how much Willow had told her. After breakfast, Laurence, Colleen, Erin, and Tracy said goodbye to Connor and thanked Willow profusely for “whatever it was she did.” Then Connor, Dawn, and Willow headed back to Stanford.
Despite Dawn’s overwhelming urge to know what exactly was going on, she remained quiet, as did Connor and Willow, for half of the drive back to campus. Willow drove, with Dawn shotgun and Connor in the back.
Finally, Dawn broke the silence. “So, are you from the past or something? From when Angel was a human?”
Connor shook his head. “No. I’m not from the past.”
“Vam . . . Angel, he can’t have children.”
“I know he’s a vampire. And I know vampires can’t have children. I was . . . an exception.”
Dawn looked at Willow. “How can we not tell the Council?” she said in a barely audible whisper. “This is huge.”
“Maybe this is huge to you and the Council,” Connor said grumpily. “To me, it’s my life.”
Dawn looked back at him, astonished. Willow did the explaining. “He has vampire hearing. Vampire sight, smell, and speed.”
“And strength,” Connor added, looking extremely unhappy.
“Obviously,” Dawn said. “Actually, I suppose this explains a lot. But . . . but how-”
“Magic,” Connor said. “How else? There was a hell god and wish granting and higher beings involved as well. My mother was dying. Angel was her champion. He performed a series of tasks to get her life back. But the higher being wasn’t able to give it to her. So my father and mother were owed a life. A human life. And when they had sex, they got one.”
“Who was your mother?” Dawn asked
“You don’t know her.”
“Sorry,” Dawn said, looking forward. “It’s private. I shouldn’t have asked.” Dawn sat in the car uncomfortably for a moment. “I’m really just a ball of energy.”
“Dawn!” Willow snapped, trying to quiet her.
“It’s only fair,” Dawn said. In truth, she knew she stepped over the line with Connor. She hadn’t just pried, but when she learned Connor’s history, she’d stopped treating him like a person. Connor was right. However amazing his existence is, it was still his existence. He should be able to live it as he liked. To ease her guilt and try to rebuild some small measure of trust with Connor, Dawn explained her own unique qualities.
*****
“You’re not going to believe this,” Kennedy said angrily as Willow’s Lexus pulled into the driveway. “They bought it. The court actually bought it!”
“Bought what?” Dawn asked.
Connor, still looking sullen, sat in the back oblivious to the conversation outside the car.
“Cain,” Willow answered.
“The werewolf hunter?” Dawn said with disdain. “The one who shot Connor.”
“What?” Connor said, snapping out of his trance at the mention of his name.
Kennedy looked at Connor. “Cain, the man who shot you, convinced a judge that it was an accident. He said he was hunting the mountain lion that supposedly killed that girl over by the lake.”
“And they believed that?” Dawn snapped.
Willow looked at Connor and his luggage in the backseat. He still looked withdrawn. Doubtlessly, discussion of Cain led to memories of Emily. Even more heavily on his conscience, Willow realized, was the grisly bond he shared with her.
“I’m going to drive Connor back to his room,” Willow said.
“You can drop me at my room,” Dawn said.
“No, you should stay for dinner,” Willow responded quickly.
Dawn took the hint and got out of the car. Willow backed out of the driveway and started toward campus. After Willow prodded him, Connor moved up to the front seat, but stared out the window for the ride home.
“What about you?” she asked. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”
“You’re taking me home, aren’t you?”
“I just wanted to talk to you alone.”
“About me kissing you?” He meant it to be playful, but he was deeply sad and his tone reflected it.
Willow shook her head. “There’s a lot to discuss tonight. We need to find the other werewolf before the next full moon. According to Kennedy, Steven Radinsky didn’t come home with his parents, so we should be on the look out for him. And now there’s Cain to deal with.”
Connor shook his head as he continued staring out the window. “I don’t know that word. Not anymore.”
Willow pulled up in front of Connor’s dorm. “I know this doesn’t make it easier, but . . . we had no choice. Or at least not any good ones. We saved countless lives, Connor.”
“I know. I know we saved lives. And I know we didn’t have a choice. The problem is, if we have to make a choice like that again, I don’t think I can do it.”
Willow put her hand on Connor’s shoulder. “Connor-”
“I don’t want to be involved,” Connor said bitterly as he opened the door and pulled away from Willow. He opened the back door and pulled his suitcase out.
“Thanks for the ride,” he said, forcing a smile and doing his best to imagine he didn’t have red puffy eyes. “I’ll . . . I’ll see you around.”
******
“So what was that about?” Kennedy asked when Willow got home.
“Business,” Willow said. “Connor’s quitting the team.”
“What? Why?”
“When we . . .” Willow looked at Dawn nervously. This was the first time she would say it out loud. “When we killed Todd Radinsky, it brought back bad memories. He doesn’t want to go through that again.”
“What a wimp!” Kennedy snarled.
“What?” Willow said angrily. “How’s he a wimp?”
“You did the right thing! Where’s the problem?”
“I’m going to go check my e-mail,” Dawn said, heading up the stairs.
“The problem is we killed a person,” Willow shouted. “Not a demon or a vampire. A person! That’s not normal, Kennedy. It’s not natural.”
“Yeah, you killed a person. A bad person.”
“That doesn’t make it much easier! And he was sorry. He was sorry for what he did!”
“He still did it. He was still responsible.”
“It wasn’t that long ago that I was responsible!” Willow shouted even louder. “Yet I got to live!”
“Oh, here it is. The I was so evil, so please cry for me now speech. Or is it the you don’t know how it feels to kill humans speech?”
Willow glared at Kennedy. “I can’t believe you just said that. Is that what you think of me?”
Kennedy’s face dissolved from anger to fear. She could feel she’d gone too far. “No,” she said, sounding as scared as she was. “Wills . . . you know I was just upset.”
“It’s okay.” But the cracking of Willow’s voice and the tears streaming down her cheeks said otherwise. “Look, I’m . . . I’m just going to go out and eat. You and Dawn have the stew, okay?”
“Wills, please don’t-”
“I’m fine. I just need to be alone for a little while, okay?”
*******
“Did you see Tracy when you were back there?”
Connor grinned. “Yeah.”
“Did you tell her before you told me?”
“Yeah,” Connor said, grinning slightly more. “Why? Are you jealous?”
“Depends,” the girl on the phone laughed. “Did she pity you enough to bed you?”
Connor laughed. “She pitied me enough to offer. But I said no.”
“You’re such a girl,” she laughed again.
Megan Coleman had been Connor’s girlfriend during their freshman year in college. She was on the girl’s track team. He was on the men’s. They met just before the school year started, not long after Tracy had given Connor the “Let’s see other people” talk. Connor had been hesitant to become involved with anyone, but the two hung out as friends.
The friendship between Connor and Megan continued until October. At a Halloween party, a bout of teasing turned into a bout of tickling and, naturally, evolved into them making out in a closet in the Bob Moore house. The specific details of their breakup, their mutual participation in track, and the friendship that preceded their dating all lead to Connor and Megan remaining close friends after the breakup.
Connor’s reminiscing over his relationship with Megan was cut off by a knock at the door. “Can you hang on?”
“Sure,” Megan said.
Connor opened the door to find Emily standing there. Several emotions swept over him so quickly, he wasn’t sure what he felt or when he felt it. He was happy and sad, filled with both regret and hope. He felt angry with her and ashamed of himself. He wasn’t sure why he felt any of this.
“Megan, can I call you back?”
“Sure. Call as late as you want.”
“Thanks.” Connor hung up and looked at Emily. “Hey.” He set the cordless phone back on its station.
“Who’s Megan?” Emily asked, nervous she missed her window of opportunity with Connor.
“Ex-girlfriend.”
“Are you two getting back together?”
“Why?” Connor smiled smugly. “Jealous?” After all, Emily didn’t know he just used that line on Megan. “No, we’re just friends. I’m not really her type.”
“I doubt that. Otherwise, why would she have dated you?”
“She didn’t know I wasn’t her type at the time. So, what’s up?”
“I don’t know how to start, but I think I should say you’re the first boy I ever dated. I mean, I went on dates, but none were serious. I only kissed one and you were my first . . . well, my first. I’m not used to this. All I know is that since we broke up, I’ve felt sad. Not just sad, but . . . weird. Like being away from you was somehow unnatural for me. Like I need you. I’m not good at this; dating and being in love.”
“In love?”
“In love,” Emily said determinedly. She leaned forward and kissed Connor. “I love you. I miss you. I was a moron to think I could live without you. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Connor eased Emily inside and closed the door. “It’s kind of close to a full moon,” he said. “You sure this isn’t just . . . you know. Your full moon fever.”
“If that’s what you think, I understand why. But if you’re just trying to make this hard on me, please don’t. I really, really don’t know what I’m doing with dating and being in love.”
Connor smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll walk you through it slowly.”
Emily leaned forward to kiss him, but Connor held his hand up. “First thing about getting back together, you can’t make out or have sex the first night.” He grabbed a sleeping bag from off of his bed. “Otherwise, you can’t be sure it’s not just hormones. That goes for werewolves and non-werewolves.”
“If we’re not making out, what’s with the sleeping bag?”
Connor smiled. “You’ll see.”
For the rest of the evening, Connor and Emily laid on the sleeping bag in the grass high on the foothills. They talked about their Thanksgiving breaks, other than their mutual dilemma. They talked about their plans and dreams. Connor pointed out the stars and told Emily the names of constellations. He got a couple mixed up, but Emil y figured she could tell him that tomorrow. At the end of the night, Connor walked Emily back to her dorm and left her at the door with a kiss.
********
“Hey,” Connor said into the phone, now back in his dorm. He’d picked up the phone with the intention of calling Megan, but almost unconsciously dialed another number. “Sorry to bother you. I know it’s like three AM in New York.”
“I’m not back yet,” Angel answered. “What’s up?”
“On Wednesday, when you saw me, I was upset about something.”
“I remember.”
“I told you it was regular dad stuff.”
“I remember that, too,” Angel said in the same, even voice. The effect of the calm voice was somewhat diminished by the bad reception.
Connor fidgeted as he spoke. “The truth is, it was superhero dad stuff. But even if it wasn’t, that was a shitty thing to say.”
“It’s okay, Connor.”
“The reason I was so snippy, why I acted like I didn’t want you around, was because I was ashamed. I did something. It was something I really didn’t want to do, but I had to. But it reminded me . . . it reminded me of before.”
“I understand,” Angel said. “I understand that better than anyone can.”
“God, I wish you were here. Can you call me back on a landline? Wherever you are, the reception’s worse there than it is on campus.”
“Actually, it’s exactly as bad as reception on Stanford’s campus. No better, no worse.”
“What?” Connor froze when he heard a knock on the door. Then he smiled. The scent was already in his nostrils. As Connor opened the door, Angel smiled and closed his cell phone.
“So,” Angel said. “What do you want to talk to me about?”
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