Andrew calmed down, wiped his nose on his shirt, and lay against the door, staring at the ceiling, silently trying to recompose himself. What was going on? He didn’t even know. Was it Spike? He knew he was *attracted* to him, but he wasn’t attracted *that* way, was he? Andrew knew he looked at girls differently than most guys his age. He knew most guys his age were looking at them as, well, lovers. Andrew had never thought of a girl like that before, but he just presumed he was a late bloomer. But was it possible he had bloomed another way? Was it possible he thought of Spike as, well, a lover? Andrew closed his eyes, put his knees up to his chin, and massaged his temples.
He was so confused. Nothing had been simple ever since Warren had killed that girl. That was when things got hard. Ever since, Andrew was riding an emotional roller coaster. He kept riding and riding, but somehow, he always ended up right back where he started. And the whole reason he had ever payed for the damned ticket was to get away from that place. He never realized things until they came back up, resurfaced, and kicked him in the ass and he was so damn tired of that, he had to beat it down. But first, he had to figure out what he was beating down.
He was gay. Andrew was gay. He had to say it. He had to admit it or he’d never get the peace he required. He’d never find what he needed. He’d never know what it felt like to love someone and have them love you back the exact same, undying way you loved them. He needed to feel that and he would never be able to feel it with a woman because his soul wasn’t for them. “I’m gay. I’m gay. I love guys. I want to have hot, naked sex with guys. I want to have hot, naked sex with Spike because I love him,” Andrew said, nodding. Xander just happened to be walking by to catch the last couple of statements.
“Uh, Andrew, what did you just say?” Xander had stopped in mid-step and turned to the boy curled up on the ground. Andrew looked up at him, his face burning.
“N-nothing...” Andrew gave him a nervous smile and returned to twitling with his thumbs. “I was just... saying stuff.”
Xander put his foot down. He looked at Andrew and Andrew shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t like being stared at. People had falsely judged him forever. And he had just realized how right they were and he didn’t want Xander looking at him like... that. He didn’t want to deal with men right now because he was so vulnerable and he might just... do things he would regret later. Xander knelt down, his jeans squeezing him in all the right places. He was now right at Andrew’s level. Andrew couldn’t look at him. He turned his head away, tears welling in his eyes. Just when he thought he was done.
“Andrew, you know, it’s okay to be gay,” Xander said, soothingly.
“I’m not! I’m not... that.” Andrew turned to him, feeling at first angry for Xander trying to make him feel better when he hadn’t asked for his goddamn help and then he felt glad because maybe he could tell someone. Like Buffy had. And maybe he could feel better. Xander didn’t look at all put off by it or hurt in anyway. Andrew looked into his chocolate brown eyes and knew Xander was his friend and that Xander would help him. That Xander would listen and he wouldn’t judge him. Xander didn’t judge anyone. And his best friend was gay.
“Okay, I thought that’s what you meant when you said you ‘wanted to have hot, naked sex with Spike because you love him’. But I’m not going to judge you if you want to tell me something. I can tell something’s wrong. And you can tell me and I’ll give you all the advice I can and I promise I won’t judge you. You can tell me.” Xander put his hands on Andrew’s knees. It was a calm gesture, kind and gentle and Andrew knew it wasn’t meant to be more than that, but he couldn’t help but imagine it was. He couldn’t help but wish it were. But he didn’t shift and he didn’t shrink away. Maybe for the first time in his life, he just let it stay where it was without back tracking or taking it too far.
“I am. Gay. I just... It’s kinda... hard. To be able to admit that.” Andrew didn’t stop looking at Xander. He couldn’t stop looking at Xander. He had to admit this, he had to tell someone, he had to work things through, and saying it, out loud, that would be just the thing he needed to work things through.
“Well, see, you’re on the right track. Hardest part, done,” Xander encouraged. He gave him a smile and a pat on the knee. He then removed his hands and let them rest on his own knees.
“I don’t know though. Wouldn’t, you know, finding the right... guy... Wouldn’t that be the hardest part? Or, like, telling people? If a girl... Decides she wants to... wants me and I have to tell her I want guys...” Andrew trailed off. His mind was doing sumersaults and loops and jumps and twists and he wasn’t even sure where to pick up the threads of his thoughts.
“I’m not sure there. But I think it gets easier over time. And as for finding the right guy, I’m sure you’ll find him. I’m sure he’ll come walking into your life when you...” Xander continued talking, but Andrew wasn’t hearing it. He was sure it was inspiring and riviting and the exact thing he needed to hear to feel better, but he was distracted by that very man walking into his life when he... When he whatever Xander said after that. The man looked so much taller when he was on the ground. He had his long, flowly duster making him look like some sort of dark superhero. He had big feet, Andrew just realized. His jeans fit his thighs so tight, Andrew would hate to see his jeans when they were all wet and even tighter. Andrew felt himself harden and he was so glad he had his knees up otherwise he would have a lot of explaining to do. He hadn’t even realized Xander was slapping him.
“Hello? Earth to Andrew, come in Andrew. Anyone in there?”
“Huh, what, huh?” Andrew blinked himself back into reality. The bleached blonde vampire leaned against the doorway, giving both of them a raised eyebrow.
“Am I interupting something here?” Spike asked, grinning. Andrew came in his pants. He tried to mask it, but he was sure Spike could smell it. He was sure everyone could smell it. The cum ran down his leg and was probably leaving a nice white wet stain on the floor. He was too ashamed and petrified and horrified and amazed that had actually happened to him for the first time in his life and shocked and grossed out and scared and mostly, he was just wet.
“Yeah, as a matter of fact, Spike. Why don’t you just go bother the girls? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. Just keep your hands and other...” Xander’s eyes skimmed Spike’s lower section and Andrew happily followed his gaze. “More unpleasant parts off them. Or away from places you could stick them, all right?”
“No need to turn me on.” Spike gave Xander a scowl and walked away, the leather of his duster just barely touching Andrew’s elbow, but it launched a new stream of cum into his pants.
“You like him?” Xander thumbed over the corner, meaning Spike. Andrew just nodded, squeezing his legs closer to his body so Andrew wouldn’t see what was going on in between them. “Huh. Guess he does have that darned sinster attraction. And he does have a nice chest...” Xander shook his head. “But I’m not... Not that there’s... Oh fooey. I’m just going to stop talking altogether here.”
“No, it’s okay. I uh... understand,” Andrew replied distantly.
“I can tell you’re just a little love sick here, so I’ll...uh... leave you to that.” Xander stood up, giving Andrew’s leg one last pat and giving him one last comforting smile and left to go join Spike with the Potentials.
Andrew leaned back, relieved, his hard on still raging. He stood up, checked the wood floor for evidence, then ran to the other side of the basement of the door and maked it sure it was locked. He ran down the steps and pulled of his pants, throwing them in the washer. He rumaged through Spike’s clothes and pulled on a pair of his many black jeans. Just for a few minutes. He’d wash them, too. Or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he would just keep them. He pulled them on. They were way too big and hung way too low, but he had never worn sexier pants in his life.
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