MEMORIES OF MURDER
“She’s out, I guess,” Benny stated as she came down the stairs and sat down in a lazy chair near the coffee table.
“Nice place, Benny,” Faith stated.
“Thanks. It’s a place to lay my head.”
“So, what happened after you left Sunnydale?” Xander asked the question on everyone’s mind.
“My family and I left after my brother Joseph died. I guess that is where I should start. My father took it hard. Joseph was his life. I was just a daughter and now I had to learn how to fill the void that Joseph’s death had created. I wasn’t ready for it, and I knew it. Even though the cops got the guy who shot him, I knew Dad was looking at me to fulfill his dreams for Joseph. He wanted so much from me. I guess that is why Mom and he started arguing a lot. Dad would take me to temple everyday to study. He even had me renamed to Ada Elizabeth Benjamin Greene. I was now the ‘favored son of Israel’ in his eyes. I could do no wrong.
“Eventually, I would go to temple with him and leave him there, because I couldn’t study everything, being a woman and all. I found a cool karate gym near by. That is when I met a really odd British guy. He started talking to me all funny. I didn’t have a clue what this guy wanted and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a part of it.”
“A watcher?” Kennedy asked.
“Yeah, he was a watcher alright. Book smart, good looking and great with a stake, but sooooo not my type. I guess I was about thirteen when he showed up. That was about 1992…yeah…1992. Mom and Dad were fighting all the time and finally divorced later that year. They fought for custody and ended up with joint and I had the decision to stay where I wanted and with whom. I asked the family court judge if I could stay with my watcher. I was looking for neutral territory at the time and the emotions of the divorce were driving me insane. The judge understood as long as I sought counseling and it was temporary,” Benny told them.
“But, it was temporary,” Willow added.
“No, it wasn’t. Mom and Dad were never the same after Joseph died. I wasn’t either. We moved to try and forget, but the fighting made us all crazy from the grief. I couldn’t handle living up to their expectations so I stayed with Albert, my watcher, until I was eighteen. Mom and Dad seemed to understand my decision, whether they agreed with it or not, I don’t know.
“Albert was a kind man. He taught me what it was to be a slayer and what it meant to have the power and the destiny. I guess I wanted to soak it all up then. I wanted the responsibility. It was like I had to do it, to avenge Joe’s death. Albert talked and talked to me about that night. He even tried hypnosis to try and help me remember it. But my mind didn’t want me to remember, I had locked those memories up tight. I wasn’t going to let them out so easily. He decided he wouldn’t push the issues and continued to train me. I was under constant watch by the council. New watchers were sent each year to assess my progress,” Benny replied.
“Did you pass?” Faith asked.
“I don’t know. I was never told the results. After each assessment though, Albert changed my training in one way or another in each of our three categories.”
“Weapons, defense, and knowledge,” Buffy replied.
“Yep. He wanted to make sure that I was prepared for the ultimate evil or something like that. He was always going on with his British sayings and his aristocratic attitude towards my learning. I had become his Benjamin, too. I was trying to live up to someone else’s dream for me, or so I thought at the time. It was with him that I started going by the name of Benji and then later Benny. It was easier to hide that way.”
“Hide from what?” Willow asked staring at her cousin.
“Everything. When I was Benny, I wasn’t Ada Greene, daughter of Jacob and Sarah Greene, the girl who watched her brother die. I was me. I didn’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations anymore. I was free to be…me…to live my life my way. I don’t know how else to express it. I fought for an identity that I was destined to have. Ironic as it is now, I couldn’t see that. I thought that I was fighting against it, when I was fighting for it more and more each day,” Benny answered.
“I have to ask you this and you know it,” Willow started.
“You want to know why, why I never told you that I was a slayer.”
“Yes, I think that you owe me that much,” Willow responded.
“You’re right, cousin, I do. I don’t know why I never told you, except that I thought that you would never believe me. When I found out about Buffy and Sunnydale, I guess it didn’t matter anymore. I wasn’t the chosen one after all. So, I forgot all about it. I thought my training was over. I thought I must have been too old or something.
“But, I was wrong. Albert was far from over. He began a more in-depth program with me. He made me study harder, learn ancient texts and their languages. He wanted me to be ready, in case…” Benny started.
“I died,” Buffy finished, “But, I did. And, yet, you weren’t tapped.”
“Then I knew that I must be too old for the job. The slayers chosen kept getting younger and younger before me. I told Albert to give up. He said that I was special. I wasn’t like all the rest of the slayers. He said I would never be tapped to be the slayer of the generation because I wasn’t born for that destiny.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Xander asked, confused.
“You were their last hope,” Buffy stated almost knowingly.
“Right, the council knew something might happen. Centuries ago, they found a slayer that wasn’t just a slayer. She was also a witch. They took her aside, killed her to tap the next slayer, raised her from the dead and took her to watcher central. There she was taught to be almost invincible. It seems for every ten slayers, there is one like me. We are cloaked from the ‘slayer radar,’ if you will, so that we can improve our witchcraft. It seems that this line is passed from mother to child, there is like an entire family tree somewhere. The only problem is finding the right witch,” Benny replied.
“The right witch? What the hell do you mean?” Willow asked, “Do you mean that it might have been me? We are from the same maternal lineage.”
“I know. That is why I didn’t tell you. I was afraid of the repercussions of such knowledge. I am not much older than you but, I am sure that Buffy can tell you how hard it is trying to deal with knowledge that you have a power that others don’t have, don’t understand, and will envy. I can’t say why it is me and not you. I can only be jealous of what I didn’t have and you did. You kept your innocence longer than I could. You didn’t know how evil the world really was until you were in high school. It is a harsh lesson for one to learn, but to learn it as a child is worse.
“That is what happened in my case,” Benny responded.
“What do you mean by that?” Buffy asked.
“You were what fifteen when you were tapped Buffy?” Benny asked as Buffy nodded, and then Benny continued, “I was nine and didn’t know it. I watched Joe die right in front of me. I was tapped that day by what I saw. Albert knew it and he had been trying to find me. With everything from Joe’s death, to the case, to the divorce, it was a miracle he found me when he did. I would have been lost without him. It wasn’t until India died that I was officially tapped, but then so were you, Buffy. I had been training with Albert that long.”
“So, what did happen? How did you loose your innocence with the world?” Faith asked and then added, “I lost it on the streets growing up, before my watcher got to me.”
“I am sorry. But, no, that isn’t it. I lost it when my brother died, nearly in my arms. I was very close with to my brother, so very close.”
“What happened that night, Benny? You never have told me the whole story,” Willow stated, “I want to know what happened.”
“I do, too. I just can’t remember it all. I just remember seeing him on the sidewalk, lifeless and bloody as hell. I remember screaming and pain,” Benny spoke with her eyes closed, trying to remember that night, “I remember cops and EMTs. I remember them asking me a lot of questions, but that is all I remember.”
“Benny…I am sorry. I remember that too. They asked us questions, too. They thought it was some sort of hate crime or something. But, I do remember something else…something else that you told me that night. Do you remember?” Willow asked.
“No, nothing.”
“Do you remember what happened after all the cops got done talking to you? Do you remember coming over to my place and spending the night, in my room, in my bed, with me? Do you remember that?” Willow examined.
“Will, where are you going with this?” Buffy questioned, more so the intentions of her friend’s line of questioning on her own cousin.
Benny shook her head “no.” She covered her eyes and sank into the chair. She sat there quiet with her knees in her chest and head in her hands, resting on her knees. Willow didn’t seem to want to cause her pain, but Buffy could tell that there had to be some sort of rationale behind this obvious discourse of painful examination.
“I do. I remember it all. I wish you could.” It was Willow’s answer to everyone’s questioning eyes. It was simple and directed at Benny. It was a way for Benny to know that Willow hadn’t forgotten and that she was sorry for all the pain that the memories might be making.
Willow sat back in the chair she was sitting in. Kennedy reached over to hold her, somehow sensing that this was upsetting for her as well. Buffy, Xander and Faith, all on the couch together, just seemed lost and confused at the motivation behind Willow’s need for explanations and knowledge. They all knew that this was a family tragedy and that only they could explain their needs to each other because they had been through it together.
“What do you want from me, Willow? What? I don’t understand why you would demand that I remember something that my mind has so desperately wanted me to forget. I know that he died, but the circumstances are very vague. I can’t remember what I said, if I saw anything at all,” Benny stated looking up at Willow.
“He was like a brother to me. I just can’t help but wonder about what you told me so many years ago. I wonder…”
“Wonder what, Will? If it was a demon?” Benny inquired.
“Yes, damn it, yes,” Willow replied.
The whole room seemed to be less stressed for now. They had both finally got it in the open. It was something that they had to come to grips with now, now that they were together again. Willow had to know because of everything that she had seen over the years with Buffy.
“I have spent years researching that, Will. But, it doesn’t help that they found a man that fit part of the description that I gave to the police. Will, they tried that man, convicted him, and sentenced him to die. Do you want to know how bad I have looked into my head to find out what happened that night? Willow, I don’t want an innocent man to die because of me. I wonder sometimes if it is the reason that I’ve blocked out most of the memories of that night. I can’t be Pilate in this. I’ll be Judas, if…”
“If what?” Faith asked, leaning forward trying to get a better view of Benny’s face. Faith was searching for something in it, something that would let her know.
“If I remembered that night, and I was wrong, then I will have delivered up and innocent man to die. And, there will be nothing, and I mean, nothing that I could do to save him now. He was tried in a court of law. He was convicted and if my memory proves to me that he wasn’t the man that killed my brother, it wouldn’t matter. The state of California is still going to execute that man, no matter what I say or do.”
“That maybe true, but don’t you want to know the truth?” Xander asked her.
“Sometimes, Xander, the truth is relative and does more harm then good.”
Willow seemed disturbed by this answer. She couldn’t handle her cousin’s lack of wanting. Benny seemed determined to not deal with Joe’s death on any level except to accept that he was died, she saw it, and a man waited of death row for murder. It was too much for Willow. She couldn’t handle it. She had to know if what she had concluded from what Benny had told her was true. Willow stood up and walked out the door of the apartment. Kennedy went after her.
“I’ve hurt her,” Benny said quietly.
“How?” Buffy asked.
“I’ve denied her. She has some theories about it, has had them since it happened.”
“So, why not hear her out on them?” Xander questioned.
“Because, I don’t think I can emotionally handle it. If it wasn’t that man on death row and it was a demon or something else, like she is hinting that it might be, then I don’t know how I will be able to function as a slayer. I’d just kill every demon, even the good ones, without so much as blinking an eye about it. Besides, a demon is a demon, right?”
“I understand what you mean,” Buffy replied.
“I get it. It is some sort of soul protection,” Faith added.
Faith and Buffy looked at each other. This is what it was. This was Benny’s turning point. It was her brother. It was what the First would use against her. Now all that they had to do was get Benny to remember so that could stop it before it started. Knowledge is power and a slayer has to be powerful in order to bump heads with the First.
“Benny, if we helped, would you like to remember what happened?”
“I dunno. I am not sure it is a good idea, Buffy,” Benny answered.
“Well, we need to find out what happened for your own good,” Buffy stated.
“Willow, wait…Willow, wait up! WILLOW!” Kennedy shouted following her out the door. She run up behind Willow and spun her around.
“She doesn’t even know. She doesn’t remember anything.”
“I know, baby, and I’m sorry,” Kennedy replied and then kissed Willow. Willow allowed her kiss to deepen and allowed herself to melt into Kennedy. Kennedy gathered Willow into her arms. “Baby, it will be okay.”
“No, it won’t. If she can’t remember, then the First will win. He will get to her. He will use the knowledge of what really happened to convert her into his puppet. That is all we need. I can remember that night. I can remember what she told me. I just can’t understand why she wouldn’t want to remember. I mean she is a slayer now. I would think that she would use it to give her a reason to fight as a slayer,” Willow replied.
“Give her time, Will. Not everyone is a strong as you. Besides, you’re tapped into the world now, being a living goddess now and all. You see and feel things that other don’t,” Kennedy stated, “Look I don’t know if finding out that she was a slayer upset you or not, but she has to deal with that as well. She is like Buffy. She has to deal with the fighting of demons and vamps all the time. Look, I know how she feels. I have to deal with it, too.”
“And I don’t?” Willow inquired, “I don’t have to deal with it?”
“Will, that isn’t what I said.”
“Kennedy, I know what your saying, but I have to deal with it, too. I worry about it every time we go out patrolling. I worry about what I did before, when I went bad. I worry about you getting hurt. I worry about all the slayers out there getting hurt because they are in over their heads. I worry about going all dark-haired and vein-y again. I am just saying that I understand what pressures she is feeling.”
“Do you? Do you really, Willow? I don’t think that you were truly listening to what she was saying in there. Your cousin is hurt and alone. She was basically raised by her watcher after her parents split and her brother’s death. She seems to have pushed everything before that behind her and that is where she wants to keep it. She is fighting the demons that attack us all and her own. Do you know what that is like? Do you know how hard that can be for one person to deal with…all the time?”
“Kennedy…” Willow started.
“No, Will…You’re a powerful witch and you are connected to the planet now, but not even you know what being a slayer means. Buffy and I do. I can totally understand why she would want to forget a terrible past. I wouldn’t want to deal with a horrific past while fighting an ongoing demonic filled future,” Kennedy replied.
“I guess I never thought about that. I never thought about the mental anguish that being the slayer could be dragging. I was kinda harsh to her, I guess. I get where you’re coming from Kennedy,” Willow answered, “I’ll go apologize to her. I just wish that there was someway that I could prove that Joseph died by some monster that we could fight. I think that it will help her more if we could, you know. Maybe I could do some sort of spell or something…”
“Willow…just apologize. Hopefully, she’ll come around on her own time, in her own way. Just don’t push her. Pushing her isn’t going to make it any easier,” Kennedy responded, “She is a slayer and we know how hard that can be, but she also your cousin, that makes it more difficult for her to face you. Plus, she might be a witch like you. I wouldn’t push her too hard. You never know, she might go all vein-y, too.”
“I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that if she is. I need to keep her witch self from going over the edge. I need to protect her from herself,” Willow stated.
Faith went outside to get Willow and Kennedy. She waited at the door to make sure she wasn’t interrupting anything between them. She had volunteered to get them to come back in, after Benny and the rest had continued talking inside. It had been getting stuffy inside the house, too much emotion for Faith to deal with.
“Hey,” Faith stated walking out the door.
“Hey,” Willow answered.
“We good here, or do I need to wait?”
“We’re good,” Kennedy responded.
“Cool. B wanted me to come get you guys. Benny is going to bed. She’s tired and going to give a run down of her patrolling in the morning. She has giving Buffy and me the extra bed room upstairs. She’s made up the pull out for you two and given Xander a pallet. He is going to stay upstairs with us. If you need anything, she said just come knock on her door and ask,” Faith stated.
“Sounds good,” Kennedy answered.
“I guess I’ll leave you two alone, then,” Faith said turning back toward the door.
“Faith,” Willow questioned, quietly and with some sort reservation.
“Yeah, Will, what is it?”
“I just wondering…what would your take be on the situation if you were Benny?”
“I wouldn’t care. I’d dust some vamps, kill some demons, and call it destiny.”
“But, what if you had more power?” Willow questioned.
“I guess I would use it. I am a weapon for good that some freaky guys created in myth and legend millennia ago. I would have to continue the tradition, I guess. I did the evil thing. Too much fun there, but you bore easily. Too much fun becomes un-fun, you know. I am trying to redeem those days now. I might not ever live up to what Buffy is, but at least now, I know we are on the same team fighting for the same thing.”
“I didn’t know that you had made up,” Willow replied.
“We haven’t really. We have just come to an understanding. Besides Willow, Buffy has already answered your question about more power. She uses you whenever she could. She used your power. You are an important part of the slayer team. It just happens that Benny got blessed with both. It was fate, Will, let it go. Right now, after everything that we have been through in Sunnydale and everything that happened with your cousin, it is time that we circle the wagons and prepare for the First. We don’t want to be going after each other,” Faith told her.
“I agree, Will. Why don’t we wait until morning? Then we can all sit and chat, while we figure out what is going on here at this hell mouth that we should be ready for,” Kennedy responded to Faith’s statements.
“I understand. We’ll see you in the morning, then,” Willow stated.
“Night, then, Will. Don’t worry about Benny. I think it’s blown over.”
“Hey, Xander, you’d better not snore,” Buffy stated.
“So what if I do?” he asked.
“You won’t wake up. God, I could sleep for two or three days.”
“Yeah, it got kinda raw in there. I’ve never seen Will the upset since…”
“I know, Xander. But, this is a different type of pain. I think that Will thinks that she could have saved us all if she had Benny’s burden. I can understand that it upset her that Benny never told her that she was a slayer. I can understand both of their points of view. I just wish that Willow hadn’t gone off on her like that. It doesn’t help us if they’re fighting of fate and the past.”
“I agree with you there,” Xander replied, “I could see how it was upsetting them both a great deal. That is what I do; I see things, even with my one eye.”
Faith walked into the bedroom. She didn’t wait to knock.
“So, Faith, how are they doing?” Buffy asked, as Faith came to the bed and got in it. Buffy seemed preoccupied by Willow’s state. She hated to see her friend in pain.
“She is hurt, but she’ll get through it. She understands Benny’s reasoning for not telling her, but Willow can only wonder if she is a super-slayer-in-waiting.”
“Still hung up on the fate thing, huh?” Xander questioned.
“Yeah, she is. She’s gonna sleep on it though. I think that Kennedy is trying to make her see things, though,” Faith answered.
“Yeah, and how so?” Buffy inquired.
“Well, she is making Willow understand our position as slayers and how fate chose us. She is making Willow understand our point-of-view in saving the world.”
“Willow already knew that,” Buffy replied.
“No, B, she really didn’t. She knew that we were made to be the weapon for the good team to battle evil. She had never tried to fathom the mental stress that creates for us. We have to be always ready, always prepared, and always alert. She could see it with you, B, but never fully understand it.”
“You mean like not having a personal life and stuff,” Buffy stated.
“Yeah, and our obvious attraction to the dark side,” Faith began, “I mean, come on, B. There we are always in danger, always looking for a fight, and usually in the night’s darkness battling evil. Hell, we’ve all tasted it, here. We’ve all been tempted by it in very different ways. I did the bad thing,” Faith explained.
“And, I did the evil beings,” Buffy added.
“I almost married Anya,” Xander offered.
“Not very bad there,” Faith responded, “But leaving her at the altar, classic.”
“Yeah, well, Willow did the crossover and be the evil thing,” Buffy said.
“Yeah, I heard. She did better at it than I could ever have dreamed of.”
“Faith!” Buffy stated in shock at Faith’s comments.
“Hey, I am not saying anything against her. Just listen. Willow has been on the sidelines for so long, and then she became the nemesis. Where do you go from there? It is hard to come back, but she did it, with Xander’s help, but she did it. Willow is still testing the waters with you and with her magicks. She has tasted the dark and is living in the light. She just wants some sort of reasoning to be giving to her for her place on the side of good. Willow is happy to be with us, but she wonders about her potential and her capability to help us. She doubts herself, now. Benny just made it worse,” Faith stated.
“You mean with the heredity thing. It did hurt her,” Buffy replied.
“Yeah, and Benny knows it,” Xander added.
Benny lay in the bed. She was hurting and so was Willow. Benny knew that the news about her being some sort of uber-slayer wasn’t something that Willow wanted to hear. It meant that Willow could have been an uber-slayer as well. Benny was confused enough with the slayer and witch thing. How was she supposed to now with more slayers in town and her cousin the witch? Benny shook her head on the pillow.
She couldn’t remember that night anymore with Joseph. She didn’t want to remember any of it. It was hard enough back then dealing with all the pain and sorrow. Why could Willow drop it? Why was she so obsessed with his death? What did Joseph have to do with anything now?
Benny’s head began to hurt. She sat up in bed. She wiped her eyes, that were just starting tear up. She was done being sad about Joseph’s death. She had moved on and become a slayer. She fought the things that went bump in the night now. That is what Benny dealt with now. She was…it didn’t matter. Benny had her mission now, to slay.
She lied back down and let sleep over come her. Benny was tired. She fell into a deep sleep. She tossed and turned. Sleep was supposed to be her safe place, a place where the demons couldn’t get to her. Sweat poured from her body. Her dreams were plaguing her mind. She wanted to wake, but couldn’t. It was like something was holding her hostage in her own mind. She couldn’t break free. Benny wanted restful sleep, not the nightmares from hell.
‘Benny…Benny…Benny help me,’ Joseph called from the sidewalk in front of their childhood home, ‘Benny, help me.’
‘Joseph, no,’ Benny answered running toward him, ‘Don’t you dare die on me.’
‘Benny…help me. Help me, Benny…only you can help me, now, little sis.’
‘Joseph, what are you talking about? Joe, what are talking about?’
‘Benny…heal me…use your magic…’
‘Joe, what?...Joe, you’re bleeding….bad…’
‘The magic, use the magic and save me…Benny…help me.’
‘Joe…what magic?’
‘The family secret, you’re magic, use it…help me. Help me, Benny…I’m dying.’
‘What magic…Joseph, help me…stay with me…no…no, no, no, Joe, stay here.’
‘Give me your healing touch, Benny…save me…only you can save me, now.’
‘Joseph…no, Joseph, don’t you dare do this. Don’t you die on me, don’t you dare die…I can’t let you die…come one, Joe, stay with me now.’
‘Save me, Benny…save me…’ Joe stated, lying and dying in Benny’s arms.
‘Joe, please…don’t leave me…Joe, don’t leave me here alone. I can’t be alone. I need you to live for me. Stay with me, Joe, come on…don’t do this to me.’
‘Benny…Benny…I’m so cold…it’s so dark…Benny, don’t let me go. Help me.’
‘Joe, it’ll be okay. Help is on the way. You’re going to make it.’
‘Benny…Benny…help me….Benny…Benny…wake up.’
‘Joseph? Joe, what are saying?’
‘Benny…honey, wake up. Benny, wake up.’
She sat upright in bed.
“JOSEPH, NO!”
The sweat rolled off her forehead. She had the sheets of the bed in her hands in a death grip. Benny’s hands flew to her face. Her tears filled her palms. Her whole body shook. She whimpered and drew up her body tight into itself.
“Benny, what’s wrong?”
“A dream…it was just a dream.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” her bed mate asked encircling her in her arms.
“No…I just want to sleep,” Benny answered.
“Okay, darling, just sleep then, I’ll hold you until I have to go to work.”
“Thanks, sweetie,” Benny replied, kissing her bedmate.
“Goodnight, Benny.”
“Goodnight, sweetheart,” Benny stated, drifting off to sleep in her lover’s arms.
“Good morning, B,” Faith stated as Buffy walked into the kitchen.
“Smells good. Willow must be making breakfast,” Buffy replied.
“Yep, pancakes and eggs, just the way you like them, all round and scramble-y.”
“Yeah, pancakes and eggs, alla Will,” Xander stated, walking in.
“Anyone seen Benny, yet?” Buffy asked.
“Yeah, she and Kennedy went for a run earlier. They haven’t gotten home yet. No worries,” Willow stated plating some eggs and pancakes for Xander.
“Kennedy doesn’t know when to sit back and enjoy, yet?” Faith asked.
“She is more like a Marine,” Xander added.
“Even Marines take time off, once and awhile,” Faith quipped.
“Not slayer Marines. They train extra hard and long, so they can slay on contact.”
“Maybe, we all just need some time,” Willow added.
“Time off, now there is a noble concept,” Buffy stated.
“I could live with some of that, especially after Sunnydale went all crater on us.”
“What do you say? No more slaying for a while?” Buffy questioned.
“I am down with that,” Xander stated.
“I am in,” Faith replied.
“So, no more slayage. Cool, I like that,” Buffy responded.
Kennedy and Benny came in the back door into the kitchen.
“So what did I miss?” Kennedy asked taking the glass of juice the Willow offered. She took a sip. Looked around and waited for someone to answer.
“It seems that we have voted to hold off on the slayage for a while,” Buffy replied, “We need to find out what the First is up to before we can effectively battle him or it or whatever. I say we find out what we can and plan.”
“Sounds good to me as well. There haven’t been that many vamps out lately. I could use the time to…to just chill. Chilling would be a good thing,” Benny stated.
“Yeah, we’ll all just chill,” Kennedy agreed.
“On a new note, where is your roomie?” Buffy asked.
“I thought I heard someone come in last night and leave really early this morning. I just figured it was your roomie. Was it?” Xander questioned.
“Yeah, it was. She came in and then had to leave for work at the hospital.”
“Oh, that’s cool,” Willow stated.
“Yeah, she should be home later. Then, we can all talk about the slayage.”
“I think that would be a good idea,” Faith stated, looking at Will and Benny.
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