Buffy looked up to see Xander hovering over her. She quickly raised the heel of her hand up to her cheeks and tried to wipe away the tears that had fallen. She put on her wavering smile and managed to sound convincingly perky, “Hey Xander... Whatcha doing out here I thought you had class to teach today?”
“Hey yourself Buf, I thought that being that it is my turn to teach, I could just teach them my “run away from your enemies approach to fighting” or is it “run away from your problems style”? Well, either way it always works from me. Though usually it is followed up by my patented “oh my god, what have I done style of making up”? Xander smiled weakly.
Buffy tried to laugh but it just wasn’t coming easy to her anymore. She settled for smiling warmly and scooted over and patted the bench next to her. Xander sat down just as heavily as she has moments before. Heaving a big sigh and slouching over. She noticed that he looked tired the ever bouncy, springy Xander looked wiped. It was like looking into a mirror. A gender challenged sorta fun house mirror, but a mirror.
Xander sat down and really looked around. How could he be here in this amazing place and feel this bad. He was worried about Buffy more now that ever before. She had always had to stay strong because there wasn’t anyone else to do her job but now with all the SIT’s He knew she felt... well, more like him. Used up and not really needed anymore. He had seen the tears that she had tried to wipe away. He still had a good eye! Like maybe her good years weren’t before her and that maybe she had more than a few regrets about what had happened in the past. He really knew that feeling...
They sat in silence for a couple of minutes until Xander asked, “When did it all get so hard... I can remember when everything was better with a jelly filled doughnut. Hey! Do you think that now it would be better with a biscotti? Because the have the great biscotti with almonds just down the street from here...”
“Doughnut good. Biscotti good... not so much.” Buffy replied. “Are you going to compare chocolate? or flan? Because either way there you have a winner!”
“Buf, it’s been over a year now. I know that I have well, not been a good friend to you in the past when it comes to... well, your relationships. I tend to overreact and become all overbearing and stubborn. I know that I am doing it and at the time I can’t help it. I go into super hyper big brother mode when it comes to you. And I kinda think that I would with Willow except she only guy she really dated was Oz... and who doesn’t want to pet the pooch? That guy was soooo easy going I couldn’t find anything not to like about him. Moot point though I guess... Well, what I have been wanting to say to you is that I am sorry for not being the person that I want to be for you. I know that you are having trouble coping and I know that I am still too. I want you to feel like you can tell me things, y’know things that matter. Not just, ‘Oh I saw Dracula 2000 wasn’t it the lamest excuse for a vampire movie ever,’” a solitary tear fell from his eye, “I don’t want you to do this all by yourself. I need you to let me help you and we can help each other.”
Buffy hesitated and then blurted out, “I’ve wanted to talk about him. To somebody for so long. I just couldn’t say anything to Dawn. She’s been heartbroken too... She never really made up with him and is feeling so guilty about it. I didn’t think that talking about him would make her feel any better only make it worse. I know that I miss him. I miss him soo much.”
“Buf, it’s alright to say his name... You don’t have to be afraid that I’m gonna go all evil Xander on you. Spike was a good guy. At times I knew it but, I didn’t think he was good enough for you. He saved my life. After all of the mean thing I said about him and did to him he saved me. He saved the world... not like I haven’t done that before... but Spike! He really did care and I was so wrong about him on many different levels. I look back now being the monday morning quarterback of all times and see that some of the things that he did was to get a reaction. The reaction that he expected to get from us. He baited us knowing that we weren’t ready to see him as anything other than a monster. I know that I was stupid... I wish that I could tell him that I misjudged him and that I am sorry. I would like to think that one of the things that I have learned from this is that I can’t just make assumptions about people. I can’t decide what is best for you and I really will try not to ever make you feel like I judge you. I love you, Buf. You mean alot to me.”
“Xander you are my best friend. I love you! I really haven’t been resenting you or anything... I just needed some time... I thought that time would be enough. I mean look at Willow. She’s a movin’ on kinda gal now. With Kennedy. Maybe that wasn’t such a good analogy. I thought though that I would be movin’ on but I can’t. Oh, I tried. I thought that The Immortal would be a diversion but, I really just never got into him. I basically just went through the motions. Oh, not those kind of motions! No motions. None.” Buffy’s eyes grew round and frantic and her hands simultaneously sliced through the air. “Actually, The Immortal and I went out a couple of times and while we were out he started telling me these unbelievable stories about Angel and Spike (and the two skanky ho-bags that will remain nameless). I was laughing so hard that he must have thought that I didn’t care for them and started to say really mean things about them. I guess when you are The Immortal you really don’t like to have your front teeth knocked out. Imagine having to have to go through eternity gumming your food. Needless to say we aren’t really on good terms now... Not that I care! The jerk! Who calls themselves “The” anyways... You don’t call Madonna... “the” Madonna or Cher... “the” Cher... Why can’t he just be Immortal!”
“Uh Buf, aren’t you “the” Slayer.”
“Not anymore. I’m more like “a” Slayer. It has a much better ring to it! Much less snooty!”
“You really never were y’know with The Immortal.”
“Nope. It never got that far. He stepped back after The Incident and I was sorta labeled as his girlfriend by everyone else. Like I couldn’t resist him when he was such a creep! I don’t get it. The guy is a legend in his own mind. I guess he figured that by just letting people think that he had bagged a slayer (notice the “a”) that his reputation wouldn’t suffer.”
“Buffy why did you let us believe that you guys were together?”
“I just... It was easier. I knew that you guys were worried about me and it made things easier for me. Sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to feel sorry about. I know how you feel. Everyone is afraid to say Anya’s name around me like I am made up of glass and I’ll shatter. We miss them and are both sorry for the way thing ended... For not telling them that we loved them.”
Buffy looked at him and put her arms around him. With her face snuggled against his chest she found the courage to say, “In Sunnydale at the High School right at the end, I told Spike that I loved him and he told me that I didn’t but, thanks for saying it.”
“That’s harsh, Buf. Maybe he just told you that so you would leave the school and get away safely. The guy was crazy about you. He would have done anything to keep you safe if he could. I’m sure he knew.” Xander’s arms tightened around her back.
Buffy began to cry again, “That’s what I keep hoping...”
AN: Please take the time to review... I crave feedback!
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