Disclaimer: They all belong to the Almighty Joss, ruler of the Buffyverse and all surrounding realities.
Feedback: Please. I've never done a parody before, so this may really suck. Either way, I'd like to know, please.
TEENAGERS: Hi. We're in Sunnydale High at night. We shouldn't be, but we're really horny and want to make out--maybe more.
MALE TEENAGER: The coast is clear.
FEMALE TEENAGER: Good. (Changes into a scary face, bites male teenager in the neck.)
VIEWERS: YAAAHHH!!!
BUFFY: Hi! I'm a really shallow person from Los Angeles. I have nightmares with people that look really ugly that want to kill me, and have a tendency to burn down gyms. Also, I have a dark secret--but no one can know! The burden must rest on me alone.
JOYCE: Hi! I'm Buffy's mom. I'm also going to be extremely dense and stereotypical throughout this season and the next one.
VIEWERS: Yawn. Nothing new in the world of Tv-parents.
XANDER: I have a skateboard. I am obsessed with hot girls, but will forever ignore the fact that my best friend is a girl.
WILLOW: I have feelings for Xander, but he doesn't realize it. Silent, unobtrusive angst must reign!
XANDER: Because I also can't quite understand schoolwork, Willow must help me. She'll do it because she's my friend.
WILLOW: I'll help Xander because of my feelings for him. Angst, angst, angst!
XANDER & WILLOW: We both happen to be outcasts with a friend called Jesse.
JESSE: Hey.
PRINCIPAL FLUTIE: I'm the principal of Sunnydale High. I'm very sensitive--but not weak! And I'm very friendly--but not in the touchy feely way! There can be no touching at my school! I want the students to like me... But I must be strict and stern!
VIEWERS: Indecisive, much?
BUFFY: Um... That's nice.
PRINCIPAL FLUTIE: Don't be afraid here... One false move and you'll be out!
BUFFY: Um... Thanks?
CORDELIA: Hi! I'm Cordelia Chase. I'm a rich, selfish bitch. I look down on people with less money than me, and daddy can buy me anything. If you have good fashion sense, come from money, and know exactly what's in, maybe you can be my friend.
BUFFY: I'm from L.A.
CORDELIA: Good enough!
VIEWERS: Is this supposed to say something about shallow people?
CORDELIA: Because you shop at Sears, you are beneath me! Go away, little Willow.
WILLOW: Um, bye.
GILES: I am the librarian of Sunnydale High! I also intend to freak out new student Buffy Summers with a book titled: "Vampyre".
BUFFY: (after entering library) YAAAAHHH!!!! (runs away.)
GILES: Wait! I'm your new watcher! You need to kill vampires!!!
VIEWERS: Oooh. Secret time.
BUFFY: Hi, Willow. I know that Cordelia's really mean, and I'm actually just like her, but I feel really dumb, so could you help me out with homework please???
WILLOW: Um, sure, I guess.
XANDER: Hi, hot new girl!
BUFFY: Um, it's Buffy.
XANDER: Same dif.
WILLOW: Silent angst!
JESSE: Hi, hot new girl!
BUFFY: Again, it's Buffy.
CORDELIA: Buffy! Don't you want to be popular? You can't be popular with uncool kids!
VIEWERS: Why not?
CORDELIA: Oh, and by the way, there's a mysterious dead person in the girl's lockerroom--but who cares about that?
BUFFY: Bye!
CORDELIA: Weird much?
(Lockerroom)
BUFFY: Oh look. A dead body with holes in the neck. This must mean a vampire. I must be pissed off by this. Look, watcher! There are vampires, but I am no slayer. Go, kill them.
GILES: I can't. Watchers can't do anything but watch and be useless. Slayers slay.
BUFFY: That sucks.
GILES: I'm too British to agree.
BUFFY: Okay, fine. I'll give into the patheticness of the world. I'll kill vampires again. Watch me, watcher.
GILES: Good. As long as you've returned to your birthright, all is well.
XANDER: Due to eavesdropping on this conversation, I am now confused.
BUFFY: What? You heard?
XANDER: Yep. So, I think that you guys are all insane. But because you're so hot, I'll just be amused.
BUFFY: Gee, thanks. Goodbye, I need to go study at a club. Really, not a contradiction in terms.
(From a dark alleyway.)
ANGEL: Hello. I am a dark, mysterious guy. I choose to give Buffy cryptic warnings, but never to help her other than that. I'll give her a cross necklace to protect her from vampires. Oh, and by the way, beware of the Harvest.
BUFFY: Gee, thanks. Have you meant Giles? Mysterious guy? He's gone. Oh well, I really don't care.
WILLOW: Hello, Buffy. By the way, I'm really shy.
BUFFY: Well, Willow, seize the day!
WILLOW: Ooh. Okay.
JESSE: Hey, Cordelia...
CORDELIA: Eew. I'm shallow and want to remain as wildly popular as I am, and thus can't be seen with you.
JESSE: But--but--
CORDELIA: No, too bad, go away.
JESSE: Fine. I'll go find some other hot chick.
FEMALE TEENAGER (the one with the ugly face that we saw earlier): Hello. I'm Darla. You're my next meal.
JESSE: I don't know you, or what you're talking about, but you're hot, so who cares?
BUFFY: Hello, watcher.
GILES: Hello, Slayer.
BUFFY: Do you have a friend who talks about the harvest? It's just that a guy told me about it. Cryptic and mysterious, kind of like you.
GILES: Oh. Um, no. Never heard of it. But I love looking things up in books, so I'll check it out.
BUFFY: How kind.
GILES: Don't party! Don't have fun! Find vampires!
BUFFY: I found one. He's down there. I can tell because his outfit doesn't belong in this decade.
GILES: Oh. I am disconcerted.
BUFFY: Oh, no! He's with Willow the bookworm! I am Super-Buffy and must rescue her! It's all my fault.
GILES: Wait, why?
BUFFY: Because! But first, let me attack that girl with a stake! I think she's a vampire!
CORDELIA: What the hell are you doing!?
BUFFY: Well, she's evil...
CORDELIA: As the queen of popularity, I will now make you an outcast, showing you my displeasure!
BUFFY: Damn my slaying duties.
XANDER: Hello. What're you doing?
BUFFY: Looking for Willow.
XANDER: Is she a vampire???
BUFFY: Um, no.
XANDER: Okay then.
BUFFY: But she's with a guy--
XANDER: YAAAHHH!!!
BUFFY: Who is a vampire.
XANDER: Oh. That's bad.
BUFFY: Let's go find them!
XANDER: Sure, why not???
VIEWERS: Could this be any more of a trap?
(XANDER and BUFFY go through the cemetary until they reach a crypt-like building.)
BUFFY: I'm sure they're in there.
XANDER: Okay.
BUFFY: Hi.
MALE VAMPIRE: Hi. You're so dumb, I'm going to kill you.
BUFFY: Not if I kill you first! (Dusts him.)
DARLA: Uh-oh.
BUFFY: Now for you...
LUKE: No. I am a super strong vampire and intend to kick your ass before killing you.
DARLA: I'll run now.
BUFFY: Go, Jesse, Xander, and WIllow! Run away! I must play the tragic heroine!
(They all run except Buffy and Luke.)
LUKE: You're just a little girl, and I'm a big strong vampire. As a result, we're going to fight for about five minutes.
VIEWERS: Yawn.
LUKE (cont'd.) Now, I'm going to shove you into a crypt and jump on top of you, intending to kill you, making a great cliff-hanger!
(Graveyard exterior)
DARLA: And now I have more minions to capture these humans, in order to make an even better cliffhanger! Because we really, really want viewers!
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