My head ached and throbbed like never before, but I swear, I'll drink until I yack up yellow cookies and then drink some more. If I see my liver come out my throat, I don't think I'll ever stop. Sometimes, just for a second, I get so drunk I forget she's dead. Sometimes I get so drunk, I think she's kicking down the door, asking me for something. Or ripping money in half.
God, I wish... I wish I had been sane enough to do something! I should have had the sense to know, if that stupid quack wasn't dead, he was stronger than he looked! But no, Spike is stupid to remember when it really counts. And Dawn, oh God, how she looked at me... I should have known the world ended right there. Sure, the world goes on. It will until we all explode and I'll still be here when it does. But Buffy, she isn't here and never will be again.
My world ended that night. Buffy didn't have to pay the price of her own life. She sent the love of her life to hell, why couldn't she throw her kid sister in that portal before she dove in? I love Dawn, so much, but Buffy isn't dead. She wasn't supposed to be.
I have to do something. I have to feel better. I have to stop feeling this way. I can't... I'm the kind of man that does things. My baby wants something, I give it to her. If I have to destroy half the world and myself in the process, I get it for *her*. And Buffy, Buffy needs me. She needs *someone*. I have to go... do something. I have to tell her I'm sorry. I have to tell her I love her. I have to tell her I'm a bloody stupid bastard for letting her go like that. I have to do something.
I just throw on the duster and a bare of pants. Don't need anything else. Bint hasn't got any eyes, not gonna see my bare chest. Not that she would have cared.
The graveyard is still. No vampires out tonight, well, except me. The funeral, the funeral was horrible. Buffy dosen't belong in the ground. She belongs in the wind. She belongs everywhere. She dosen't belong to the earth. Never. She is not a slave to this world. She is free and that coffin, it keeps her corpse and her spirit from touching all but the earth. And what has it ever done for her?Worst part, when Angel broke down, everyone came running. I don't think they cared I cried till my eyes were white and my cheeks permanetly stained. I don't think anyone cared I lost the love of my unlife too.
The grass near her grave is fresh. I run my fingers through the inscription, feeling an ache that won't escape. "Buffy..."
"Listen, luv. I get it. I do. But you didn't have to do it. I could have, someone could have. The world could have bloody ended and I would still be here for you! Let the world go next time. Oh, wait, you can't. But Buffy, it wasn't your time! You lived 20 years and you think you figured it out? I lived 127 and I *know* my time is not for a long, long time. I lived a couple hundred years longer than you, and I know life is not a gift, not a blessing, not anything except walking around pretending to be something you aren't. But I love you. And I know, 20 is not enough. I love you... But I think, since your body is dead, not that stops anyone, I think, I better let you die."
And I got up, feeling that hole I'd been fighting spread like a bullet through the heart. Buffy was gone. I had to accept it. Buffy was gone and Buffy was *never* coming back.
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Rave
Barbie Girl (Becca)
biscuit07
Filmtheory (Jim)
Malice (Jess)
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Reset (Allie)
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somnambulist29 (Shea)
Stephanie Loss
Wendyness (Wendy)
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