When Jenny finally woke up, Ethan had all ready left for work. He had left a brief message on the sideboard for her.
*Had to head off, see you later, Ethan*
Jenny was a little upset at its briefness. She had hoped that Ethan would stay behind to comfort her after the previous night, or even ask how she was, but nothing.
Still, she had very little time to muse on it. Jenny knew what she was going to do that day. Although she had forgiven Ethan in part for his secrecy, she still felt as though she couldn’t trust him to tell her all that she wanted, needed to know about herself. She planned to find out for herself. She knew she had no significant powers with which to cast spells, but she could perform spells with the right herbs and incantations at hand. She hoped that any local magic shop might have a simple memory charm, but, if not, she had done some research, and had come up with a list of ingredients that *should* create the required spell.
Having a clear target made her feel better. Being able to do something about her amnesia herself made her feel less helpless, and happier than she’d been in months.
**Magic Box, 2 hours later**
Jenny pushed open the shop door and stepped inside. A young girl with light brown hair was chatting animatedly to a couple of customers. When she looked up and saw Jenny she smiled and said.
“Good morning. Welcome to the Magic Box. Feel free to spend lots of money.” Jenny stared at the girl, who leaned over her shoulder and called, “Giles! New customer!”
“Hold on a moment, Anya,” replied an irritated sounding voice. A couple of seconds later, Rupert Giles stepped out from behind a pile of boxes. He stopped in shock when he saw her. Jenny imagined the shock was reflected on her own face. Remembering Ethan’s story, she took a couple of steps backward.
“Umm... he... hello Ms... I mean Mrs...,” he stuttered.
“Rayne,” Jenny finished for him. A shadow of disgust crossed his face, gone so quickly, Jenny wondered if she had really seen it.
“Yes, I know. Umm... how are you feeling?” he asked tentatively.
“Fine. Thanks.” Jenny replied coldly. He seemed to take the hint, and his voice took on a neutral tone.
“Can I help you?” Jenny watched him carefully for a second. He didn’t seem to pose a threat. And there were other people in the store. She decided she might as well get what she came for.
“I was looking for some kind of memory charm.”
“Oh. What kind?” he asked, walking through the shop area. Jenny followed, not understanding. Sensing her confusion, Giles explained. “A charm to make someone forget something?”
“Oh! No, no, a charm to make someone... make someone remember.”
“I see...” he said, as though comprehending something. Lifting a small charm with a clear crystal in its centre down from the shelf, he handed it to her. “I’m afraid this is all we have at the moment. Holding it and sitting quietly allows an individual to focus on a memory, see it clearly. But Jenny...” Jenny looked up, startled by the use of her Christian name “...I’ve never heard of anyone recovering lost memories through its use.” It was spoken softly, kindly, as though he knew how disappointed she would be.
“How did you know..?” she asked.
“I knew you, before...,” he trailed off.
“Oh, yeah, Ethan told me what happened,” said Jenny, icy and on her guard once more. Giles replied with a bitter laugh.
“Oh, yes, I’m sure he did. With all the lies and half truths and malice that he’s always had a tendency towards.”
“Are you saying I shouldn’t believe my own husband?” Jenny snapped. For a second, Giles looked as though he might nod. But then he hesitated.
“No. I’m sorry; it wasn’t my place to say.” Keen to get off the subject suddenly, she brought out her list of herbs and chants.
“Look, I’ve been doing some research, and I think these things should work together to make a kind of reverse memory charm,” she said, handing him the list. For some reason, she was keen to impress him. He scanned the list.
“This... this does look plausible,” he admitted, hesitantly, “But make-shift spells don’t always work. And you’d need two people. One to chant the incantation and one to mix the herbs.”
Jenny’s heart sank. She didn’t have another person to help her do the spell. She didn’t dare tell Ethan her plan in case it hurt his feelings. So all her planning would be for nothing. Unless...
“Will you help me?” Jenny asked. Giles looked up, startled.
“Pardon?” he asked, as though he hadn’t heard her properly.
Jenny closed her eyes briefly. *I must be crazy* she thought to herself. *What if he wants to use me against Ethan or something?*. But despite these thoughts, there was something about him that made her trust him.
“Will you help me do the spell?” she repeated. He looked uncertain.
“I... I honestly don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I’d love to tell you that I would,” he added, “But I can’t.”
Jenny tried to keep her voice under control, desperate though she was to burst into tears of frustration.
“Why not?” she asked, her voice cracking slightly.
He sighed, “Jenny, this spell... admittedly, it could work, but what if it doesn’t? You can’t pretend that you’re not pinning an awful lot of your hopes on this.”
“There’s going to be even less chance of it working if I don’t try,” she retorted, biting her lower lip to keep it from shaking.
“True, but what if it does work, and you don’t like what you remember? What if it scares you, or hurts you? It could damage your life irrevocably...”
“It’ll be better than having no memories at all!” Jenny snapped loudly, angrily. “You have no idea what it’s like for me. I can’t remember anything about myself. I don’t remember where I was born, who my parents were, who my friends were. You’ve got your own memories, the good and the bad. I want to be able to remember it all. Not just finding out what people think I *need to know*, when they want to tell me. I want to remember, and I can’t, and you have no idea how terrifying that is! You’ve got no idea...” A sob caught in Jenny’s throat, and she trailed away as a few tears ran down her cheeks. She wiped them away angrily, but they kept coming, it’d been so long since she’d let herself cry about it, and it had been building up, until she burst into tears in front of a man she barely knew. Her shoulders shook silently, and she buried her face in her hands. A hand touched her shoulder.
“Jenny, please don’t cry,” pleaded Giles softly, “I’m sorry, you’re right, I don’t know what it’s been like for you. I can’t begin to imagine.” He hesitated for a moment. “I stand by what I said before. This could hurt you. But you’re hurting so much now... If this means so much to you, I’ll help you.” Jenny looked up.
“Really?” she asked hopefully.
“Really,” Giles confirmed. Just about managing to stop her self from jumping up and down with happiness she smiled.
“Thanks.”
***
About half an hour later, Jenny and Giles sat in the basement of the Magic Box, the preparations for the spell complete. Jenny held the piece of paper containing the words of the spell, and Giles held a strange looking implement above a bowl of herbs. Jenny fidgeted anxiously. Butterflies were zooming round in her stomach. She was excited, but nervous at the same time, in case her spell didn’t work.
“You ready?” she asked Giles. He nodded, still not looking very happy about the whole scenario. She took a deep breath. “Ok, let’s do it.”
She began to chant the words of the spell. It was in Latin- Jenny wasn’t fluent in the language, just enough to get the drift of what the spell said. As she chanted, the strong scent of the herbs began to send her drowsy. She couldn’t really hear what she was saying, it sounded like a distant hum, as though her mouth was working of its own accord. Her vision began to get blurry, and as she stared at Rupert, sitting in front of her, his outline became more indistinct.
Her voice chanted on, as all the strength went out of her limbs, as her eyes began to close, and her throat began to constrict. She started to become truly afraid, knew that she wasn’t in control of the spell any more and prayed that it would go as she planned it. Mist seemed to cloud the edge of her vision as she sank into unconsciousness.
*
Giles stared at Jenny’s form. He knew the spell was in power now. Although he could still hear Jenny’s voice chanting the spell, her lips weren’t moving, and her eyes were closed. Small clouds of mist began to appear, crowding around Jenny. One wrapped itself around her face and seemed to be trying to push against it, as though trying to enter her head. It seemed to be struggling for some time, then it disappeared abruptly, as though it had disappeared under her skin. Her body twitched, but she didn’t open her eyes. Giles resisted the urge to jump up and beat the other mist things away from Jenny, and continued to ground the herbs.
*
Jenny felt as though she was floating. Everything around her seemed to be blurry and grey. Eventually, things came back into focus, and she looked around. It was a perfect freeze frame. She was standing in some kind of library. In front of her, she saw a tall, good looking brunette, standing next to a slightly gawky looking boy in a shirt. They were peering into some kind of book cage. Jenny followed their gaze, and almost screamed when she saw some kind of rotting, demonic looking man staring back at her. She wanted to move away, but her feet seemed to be nailed to the floor. She stared around the rest of the room. A girl with long red hair was walking away from Jenny, towards a blonde girl, who was standing hands on hips, staring at the monster. Beside the girl, on a chair sat Ethan, with a nasty looking expression on his face. Jenny turned her head as far as she could, and saw Rupert Giles standing behind her. He looked tousled, unshaven. Also worried, and scared. As Jenny noticed this, she felt herself moving forward. Scenes flashed before her eyes- Rupert grabbing Ethan by the collar- herself sprawled on the library floor, demonic faces flashing through her mind- her eyes glowing green- more demons, reaching out for her- she cried out in fear, and stepped away, and suddenly she was in a different place, an apartment- there she was, kissing Rupert. Surprise flooded her- There she was again, but now she was different, demonic, like the man in the cage- she hit Rupert- She saw her demonic form, tearing some kind of animal apart, and she screamed in horror- in some kind of magic shop, reaching for the girl, and Rupert, too- she screamed again, “No, go away!”- she flung the girl away, across the room, reached for Rupert- Oh, God, he had been right, she didn’t want to see this, didn’t want these memories- “I don’t want to remember!”- And then a man stood in front of her, features twisted into the cruel face of a vampire- his hands were around her neck, he was strangling her- she felt herself moving forward still, another memory waiting for her, but she wanted to stop- “Leave me alone! Get out of my head!”- and then she stopped moving forwards.
*
Giles stared in horror as Jenny’s form began to twitch and contort, as though she were in pain. When she began screaming, he tossed the herbs aside and tried to push his way through the mist clouds to her. As he touched one, pictures appeared inside his head. He saw a young girl sitting amongst a group of similar looking boys and girls, listening to songs sung in a strange language, and stories of an evil vampire named Angelus. He pulled a way from the mist cloud, out of Jenny’s memories, and tried to beat them away from her.
“Leave her!” he cried, “Get away from her!” They backed away a little, especially once Jenny started screaming in her unconscious state for them to stop. Giles continued to hit out at them, and then he noticed Jenny go silent, and fall to the floor. He turned to her.
“Jenny!” he called. He felt for her breathing, only to find that there was none. “NO!” he screamed. Knocking the circle of candles over, he tossed the herbs away from him, out of the circle, breaking the spell. The clouds of mist began to dissipate. He bent over Jenny.
“Jenny, come on, please start breathing,” he prayed.
*
Jenny lay on the floor. Everything around her was black. The memories had gone away, and left her trapped in this dark abyss, where she couldn’t see, or breathe, or scream.
Then, she felt the darkness beginning to lift, her mind becoming more focused. She could hear Rupert’s voice, somewhere far away, then it came closer, and closer. She opened her eyes, and she was back in the Magic Box basement, Rupert crouched over her. She drew in a deep breath, and screamed as loudly as she could, repeatedly. Rupert pulled her into a sitting position, and held her as her screaming turned to helpless sobs. She clung to him, sobbing and pleading.
“Please, don’t let them near me again,” she cried.
“Hush, Jenny. I won’t let them near you. It’ll be alright,” he promised. She nodded, and continued to cry, until she collapsed, tired and scared, to sleep.
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