The factory was dark and cold. My skin prickled and my bones chilled as if wrapped in a layer of ice. Not only was the air cold. There was a presence here, a presence so strong, it was fighting me from the inside out. He had to be here. It had never been like this before he came here. His thrall was so strong, I could feel him. Feel things he touched, places he’d been hours before. It was an unbreakable bond and I could feel it still, even if he wasn’t here for me anymore.
Call me selfish, but I miss him. More than I’ve ever missed anything. The way he talked to me, like I was the only person in the world he had ever cared for. The way he walked when he say me, as if he was trying to restrain himself, like a dog for his master. The way he tingled when I was near, I could feel his skin buzz for me. Like I could feel my own buzz for his. And the reason he is gone... Is me. I loved him, I know it. I did nothing wrong, but I am still responsible. Giles and Willow and Xander can tell me I am wrong, that I am not to be expected to carry that around with me, I couldn’t have known, but somehow I had. I could’ve waited. I could have stopped myself, but I didn’t. In that, I am responsible for the death of Angel.
*~*~*~*
The ground was covered in dust and every time the wheels of my chair rolled over it, I got a layer settled around my nose. Not that it bothers me all that much, but it is a little strange that the place could be so dusty. I mean, we do live bleeding live here. Me and Dru. But now, Angelus, the great puff, has invited himself in. I mean, I have no complaints, except him taking Dru! I can feel it, the beams of their passion blinding me, making me back away. I can’t stop it. He knows it. And he knows it hurts me and if I stop... If I don’t let it, he’ll give up, but I can’t. I can never stop. It will hurt me everyday of my life... And sadly, my life will last forever. If I don’t get out of this bleeding wheelchair soon.... When I do, Angelus is going to be sorry.
*~*~*~*
The night air was intoxicating. It rubbed against me like Dru. It’s lust for me was so intense, it pounded against my head like a lover’s hips against mine. It was better than day. Day was time to hide, for humans and vampires alike, but night was freedom. I had known that even when I was human, even when I had a soul. Night was freedom, night let you go. It was dark and true and unforgiving. It was all there was. Ever.
Drusilla slid a pale arm around mine. I shook her off, giving her a snarl. “Daddy...”
“Shut up, Dru. I’m not interested. Don’t come running to me every five seconds. God, how can Spike put up with this?” I returned my attention to the dark alley, waiting for the perfect girl to stroll down. One looking for a good fuck... One too stupid to realize there were things out there that wanted to devour her. In both senses. Buffy had been like that. Oblivious. She was my savior and I want to repay her. But I still can’t figure out how... It has to speak volumes, far louder than words, far stronger than actions. It has to send her to her knees, screaming my name in pain, and then she will know what real power is. Then she will know who her precious Angel really is.
*~*~*~*
I stood still, my breath creating fog before my eyes. I sensed a presence here, not his, different. But not alive, not a person. It was a corpse and I knew Spike must be here. He had to be here. It was only he that smelled like that, left a mark in my head like that. He was strange. I admit, he had a thrall to me. He had a strong thrall to me. But it was different than Angel’s. It was more animalistic. More wild, more... more of something I wouldn’t succumb to. Something I wouldn’t admit.
“Spike, I know you’re here!” I yelled, surprised at the crack in my voice when I said Spike. It was weird to say his name. To want to see him.
“Good job, Slayer. Wanted to see how long it would take a daft girl like you to realize that I was right behind you...” I heard the squeak of wheels and turned, fingers wrapped around the stake in my pocket. And there he was. Hands sending the wheels on his chair spinning. And I had done that to him. At least now he could do nothing to me. But it was creepy. He was creepy and I sort of liked it.
“I’m not here to play games,” I announced, removing the stake completely from my pocket and folding my arms across my chest.
“Then what are you here for? I’m not thinking a cuppa tea and a nice chat. I’m not going to play games with you, Slayer, but you better stop toying with me.” He wheeled around me, which was somehow more stalker-esque than when he did it with useable legs.
“Shut up. See, that’s exactly what I mean. Where is he?” I tried to keep my lust inside. If I let it out, even wisps of it, he would feel it. But I knew, somewhere it was coming out in waves and he liked it.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about, luv.” He settled in front of me, level with my breast.
“Yes, you do. Angelus, where is he?”
“How the bleeding hell am I supposed to know? Haven’t heard a thing from him since he left town a couple of nights ago.”
“Where did he go?”
“Hell if I know. Why do you care? Thought you would be glad to get him out of your hair. Ooh... Didn’t realize that was a pun.”
“Shut up. I care.”
“Noticed, luv. Now, why, oh why, is the Slayer looking for a vampire who’s gone off to do better things?”
“Because I know what he can do.”
“You know what I can do, too, but here you stand.”
“He’s worse. And can stand on his own two legs.”
“You just keep telling yourself that. Listen, Slayer, don’t come in here pretending to be all noble. If you went at it with Angelus, you aren’t a princess anymore. And I know he’s not the only reason you came here.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know very well what I’m talking about, Slayer. You can feel it, pumping with your blood. Pounding with your heart. You want me. But I don’t do Slayers. Why are you here?”
“I find Angelus, I told you.”
“All right, all right, I’ll play your little game. I don’t know where he is, if I did, I would tell you.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“Good, you shouldn’t. But I really don’t know where he is.”
“Fine. Where’s Dru?”
“Don’t know. Feeding, I guess.”
“With him?”
“Most likely.”
“And they didn’t take you, Spikey?”
“Hell of wheels. Just not hungry.”
“And I’m supposed to believe that.”
“You can believe whatever you want, no one’s stopping you. They bleeding should, but I can’t, so...”
“Whatever, you don’t know, but they’re most likely together and feeding?”
“Yeah.”
“See, this is exactly why talking to you is such a pain. Most people just tell you what you want to know, you have to through in things I *don’t*. It takes to long. Bye. Don’t expect me to come back.”
“I always do.”
*~*~*~*
The Slayer’s retreating back was almost a painful sight. She treated me more civilly than those that lived in my house, well, meat packing plant, but I call it homey. She was such a confused, blind girl. I tried to help her see, but I think I only pushed her farther into the darkness growing inside herself. One day it’ll build and build and she’ll come to me to take it all down. I can’t say know if I’m going to, but I do know she will come. To me. And not Angelus. I just know.
Here they come. God, he’s loud. I think the man has no edge. Thinks he’s above the instinct and the skill it takes to be a monster. He thinks he’s above me. But when I can walk, I’ll leave a boot mark on his face and we’ll see who’s above and below. Drusilla is silent. As she usually is around him. I don’t get it. He has nothing for her and I have everything, yet, she goes to him all the same. Maybe because I’m in a wheelchair. Maybe when I get out, she’ll come running back into my embrace... among other things. I’m not so sure. Something tells me she won’t.
“Honey, we’re home!” Angelus called.
“I heard.” I remained in the shadows, not sinking low enough to be eager at their return.
“Do anything interesting... or at all while we were gone?” He stepped into my full view, smile broadening at the sight of me.
“No.”
“Hmm, we do need to get you a hobby, ol’ boy.”
“I have one.”
“Spinning your wheels can’t be called a hobby.”
“I have one.”
“Oh, come on. Ever since Buffy the Vampire Layer slapped you in this chair, you haven’t done anything fun. I think we lost him, Dru. Lost him to the goodness somewhere in his unbeating heart.”
“Shut your gob!” I wheeled closer. I could feel my jaw set, my teeth ram together with force enough to knock everyone from my gums. “What do you know? Nothing! Just shut it!”
“Yes, there he is. But I still think something is not quite right... Could it be he’s got a a *soul*?” He smiled at his own mocking jest, but Dru was too lost in her own world to care.
“Shut your mouth! All you’ve ever been is a worthless puffter! Don’t you act like you’re better! At least I’m still something, even if all I do is sit on my arse! You, what have you got? Nothing. Nothing at all. You just keep pretending to be bad, to be evil, to be a vampire. When you don’t even know the meaning of those words!”
I turned and wheeled away as fast as I could, leaving Angelus to contemplate on his own. I didn’t want to stick around for the show.
*~*~*~*
Spike was right. Even if I didn’t want it to be true, it was. It was a true and painful as he had meant it. I had never had a sense of who I was. Never a sense of belonging. I didn’t belong with Darla, I don’t belong with Dru, and I don’t deserve to be bad. I don’t deserve to be called evil. For a hundred years, I’ve been tainted. And who’s to say I won’t remember that when the Slayer’s in pain? Who’s to say I won’t be pent up again?
He was right. I’ve never fit in. I’ve pretended. I’m no better than Spike, in fact, I might be less. But putting on this face, it makes it all easier. To live, to pretend, to kill. But Spike, he doesn't have to pull up those walls. He has none, so therefor, he is the better off because his won’t come crashing down at his feet.
He belongs with Dru. Like the rain belongs with the clouds. But I don’t and that hurts more than anything, having a bond so strong before your eyes and you never being able to have one like that your entire life. Except with Buffy. Who wants to send me to Hell. I think I might just let her. There is no life for me here. In the darkness.
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