Over the next week, the color did eventually return to Buffy's cheeks, but that was the only noticable change in her condition. She remained on life support because her body still refused to support itself. And although the doctors were glad to note that her arm began to heal, they predicted a good deal of scarring, though they also anticipated that she would regain full use of it.
If she ever woke up.
Behind every statement the doctors made about Buffy's condition, those were always the words which were there but left unspoken. Because with each day that passed, the possibility of that happening became more and more remote.
They all knew this fact, but simply chose to ignore it. Every day after school, Xander and Willow were there to spend time at their dear friend's bedside until the nurses kicked them out at 8:00 each night. Often times they were joined by Giles, and on a few occasions, Cordelia. And because they all believed in the power of positive thought and action, they were always cheerful and upbeat, telling Buffy about the day's events and recounting amusing little stories. They did their best to be happy and jovial, and even went so far as to joke with each other in hopes of somehow getting through to Buffy. But once outside of the room, they were always overcome with despair at the possibility that their friend might never wake up.
One particular night after being dismissed by the nurse on duty, Xander, Willow and Giles walked out into the parking lot, all silently frustrated at the lack of change in Buffy's condition. All were reluctant to voice their concerns, but suddenly Willow couldn't take it anymore and burst out with "Why doesn't she wake up?!"
"If you want my honest opinion, Will," Xander said quietly, "it's because she doesn't have anything to live for anymore."
"What about us?!" Willow intoned. "We're her friends- aren't *we* worth living for? Sometimes I get so mad I just want to take her and...shake her until she realizes how much we need her!" At this last comment, Willow let out a shaky little laugh and then said self-mockingly, "Look at me- how pathetic. I'm angry with my comatose friend. I wonder if I could sink any lower?"
"Willow," Giles began, "believe it or not, your feelings are normal, and even perfectly healthy. I believe they are all mirrored, at least to some extent, in the rest of us."
Willow was silent for a moment after Giles' last comment, and then she said quietly, "Then why do I feel so guilty about having them?"
"No one ever said you weren't going to feel guilty about your emotions," Giles explained. "But I think I would be more worried about you if you *weren't* angry with Buffy for what she's done. Her decision was a completely selfish one and it's hurt you. It is customary that you should feel resentment, even though right now it might feel misplaced."
"I just- I mean...doesn't she know how much we love her?" Willow whispered.
"As sad as this may sound, probably not. I believe she feels that we blame her for all our problems."
Silence descended as all were left to ponder the implications of Giles' last statement. As they walked off to their own cars, each was left with the feeling that there was something more that they could be doing to help their friend.
* * *
Buffy wandered aimlessly through a world enshrouded in white. She didn't know where she was, or how she'd gotten there, but she felt that there was a reason for her to be in that particular place. She just had to figure it out.
Everywhere she looked, she saw vague outlines of images which could have been people, but every time she got close enough to look the shapes were gone. Buffy should have been frustrated by this, but she felt nothing other than complete peace.
Suddenly, a sound invaded Buffy's consciousness and she turned in the direction from which she thought it was coming. Walking toward it, a weeping figure gradually began to assume shape in front of her. Buffy felt sad at the figure's obvious anguish, and when she approached it to see if she could help, the figure raised its head to gaze directly at her.
Buffy gasped.
The figure was Willow.
"Willow," Buffy cried, quickly covering the last of the distance between them and sweeping her friend up into a crushing hug. "I'm so glad to see you!"
After a second, Buffy realized that instead of subsiding, Willow's crying had merely intensified. Pulling back slightly, Buffy met Willow's watery gaze. "Will, what's wrong?" she questioned.
"I miss you so much Buffy!" Willow said.
Buffy being a bit confused, said slowly, "But Will, I'm right here."
Willow shook her head at Buffy's comment. "Uh-uh, you're not here. This is only a dream."
Buffy, beginning to doubt her friend's sanity, could only say, "What are you talking about?"
"It's just a dream Buffy," Willow explained, wiping away the tears which were still flowing down her cheeks. "Before I went to sleep tonight I wished I could talk to you again, and I guess now you're here in my dream."
"Willow, why would I be in your dream?"
"Because you're dead."
Seeing the surprised look which came over Buffy's face, Willow elaborated.
"Maybe you're not technically dead, but as far as I'm concerned, you're gone. The others probably think that one of these days you're just going to wake up and everythting will be fine, but not me. I know that this is it. You're not coming back."
"Willow, I don't understand. Why would I be dead?"
"You don't remember?" Willow asked, surprised.
"No. What happened?"
"You tried to kill yourself."
Willow's words were soft, but their impact hit Buffy harder than a punch to the stomach. She slowly sank to the ground. "I what?" she asked, stunned.
"After Angel...turned, you were so...depressed. I should have seen it sooner. I knew something was wrong, but I never thought you would- that you would...actually...try...and-"
Willow couldn't finish, but she didn't have to. Buffy's expression was one of shock as she tried to comprehend what Willow was saying.
"I don't believe...." Buffy trailed off as suddenly the memories flooded in. The cave, the fight with Spike, the sharp pain of Angel's fangs digging into her neck, her whispered "I love you" in her last moment of consciousness....
"Oh God," she whispered as the truth of it all hit her.
"Why Buffy?" Willow intoned. "We love you so much. We'd do anything for you. If you had just come to us, we could have...I don't know, but we could have helped you."
The peace that Buffy felt earlier was long gone, and in its place was a horrible feeling of guilt and...what? Emptiness? Sorrow? She didn't know, but she was acutely aware of the remorse threatening to overwhelm her as the consequences of her actions at last began to hit her.
"Willow, I'm sorry, I thought....Your lives were so much simpler before I came. I wrecked everything."
Willow wanted to shake Buffy for saying that. Instead, she took a deep breath and managed to get out, "Buffy, we didn't have to be your friends. We could have left at any time we wanted to. We still could. But we're not going anywhere. Even now, we come to your bed every day because I think we all know that it's the last chance we'll ever have to be with you. You didn't ruin anything, Buffy. You simply changed our boring little lives and made them worth living again."
"I didn't know..." Buffy whispered.
As she looked up at Willow, standing above her, the images of her friends and family shimmered behind the redhead. She saw her mother and father, grief-stricken at the loss of their only child as they stared down at her grave; next to them stood Giles, his glasses removed as he wiped the tears from his eyes; and then there was Xander, dry-eyed but so thin that every bone in his face was delineated. Even Cordelia was there, crying, and Buffy saw Oz, and Ms. Calendar and many other people who she had never thought even gave her a passing thought. Behind them all, Angel came into focus for a mere second, and as the image was fading, she saw him mouth the words "I love you," before he was gone entirely.
And suddenly Buffy completely realized the consequences of her actions. "No!" she cried out. "I don't want this!"
"It's too late Buffy." Willow shook her head sadly. "You've already made your choice."
"No, Willow, you don't understand. I want to live!" Buffy reached out to the girl to make her point, but saw quickly that Willow had suddenly become far away and that she was unable to reach her. "Willow, no, don't leave me!" Buffy cried, running after the disappearing figure.
Buffy stopped running when she saw that Willow was really and truly gone. "Don't leave me," Buffy whispered as the tears began to flow down her cheeks.
* * *
Willow stared down at the still Slayer. She couldn't stop the sobs that shook her frame as she contemplated a life without Buffy.
Approaching quietly from behind, Xander laid a hand on her shoulder and said softly, "C'mon Will, let's go."
Instead of responding, Willow turned in Xander's arms and grasped his shirt as she sobbed into his chest. Xander took several deep breaths as he struggled to contain his own emotions. He had to maintain control if he was going to be strong for Willow.
"What are we going to do without her Xander?"
Xander looked down into Willow's tear-streaked face and said quietly, "I don't know, Will. I just don't know."
The two friends hugged fiercely before Willow allowed Xander to slip an arm around her shoulders and lead her out of the room.
It was their final good-bye to Buffy. In a matter of minutes, the doctors would remove the life support which had sustained the girl for the past month, and Buffy would quietly pass into oblivion.
They were all gathered in the waiting room; Willow, Xander, Giles, Cordelia, Oz, even Ms. Calendar. Buffy's parents were to be in the room with her as Buffy made the transition from this world to the next.
Muffled crying was heard throughout the waiting area, although no one really chose to acknowledge it. As the seconds on the clock were heard ticking away, each person was left to try and figure out how he or she would get through this.
"What's going on?"
There was a collective gasp as everyone recognized the owner of the voice.
Angel was standing just inside the doors looking at each person as he waited for an explanation.
Willow unconsciously shrunk back into Xander's arms at the sight of Buffy's killer. And then the reality of the situation actually hit her and she said in shock "Oh my God!"
The others realized what was happening at the same time Willow did and were equally as surprised, for it wasn't everyday that they saw a vampire still standing as beams of sunlight streamed in upon him.
Angel, understanding the others' shocked stares, walked toward them and opened his mouth as if to explain. But seeing how they all took a step back as he approached, he stopped halfway there and simply started speaking.
"I guess this looks a little weird," he said with a sheepish smile. Noticing that that gained no response from the others, he sighed deeply and continued. "I'm not Angelus anymore-"
Giles interrupted him. "That doesn't clarify why you're standing here in broad daylight instead of being a pile of ashes right now."
"If you'll just let me explain..." Angel said, approaching them all slowly. As he got close, he gestured to the couches and chairs and said, "maybe we should sit down."
Though they still looked at him warily, they did as he suggested. Taking a deep breath, he began.
"After I...ran off," he cringed as he said those words, "I didn't get very far. I ended up collapsing in the next room. If you had come after me, you would have had no problem killing me- I was in more pain than I can ever remember feeling in my entire existence. I didn't understand why, at least not then; all I knew is that death would have been preferable to what I was feeling.
"I laid there for days, moaning and hoping that someone would come and put me out of my misery. My entire body was on fire. But as I laid there, I began to feel a sort of peace wash over me, and the pain stopped. I was floating and everything around me was a brilliant white. But the part that surprised me the most about it was that I actually cared. I actually felt love and happiness, and then...remorse."
"Your soul had come back," Giles breathed.
Angel closed his eyes for a moment, reliving the memories. His voice shook as he continued. "I was given a choice. I could die right then and go into the light, or I could live as a mortal on Earth again- fully aware of what I had done while I was a vampire."
"What made you choose to come back?" Willow whispered.
Angel was silent for a heartbeat, and when he spoke his voice was tormented. "It was Buffy. I realized how much love I had for her, and...how much she still loved me. Even when I was a vampire, she never stopped loving me. That was why I was given a choice. The holy water in my body purged the demon, but what brought back my soul was Buffy's love. Without it, I'm sure I'd be burning in hell right now."
The others were silent after Angel's story as they assimilated it all. It had also briefly taken their minds off of more pressing issues, but they were inescapably drawn back in that direction when Angel asked, "Why are we in the hospital? I went over to Giles' house and saw his car leaving, so I followed it here."
As Angel looked around at the silent group, all of whom refused to meet his eyes, he began to feel a fear the like of which he had never known before. Suddenly a thought occurred to him, and with his voice full of dread, he asked, "Where's Buffy?
No one could answer him. Willow started sobbing all over again and Xander tried once again to comfort her. In the end, it was Giles who said quietly, "Buffy is dead."
"No!" Angel shot up from his seat. "The only thing that kept me going was believing- was believing that you had gotten there in time to stop me, that I hadn't...killed her." His last words were full of anguish.
Giles walked over and put a hand on Angel's shoulder. "I'm sorry. They- her parents and the doctors- decided that it would be best if they cut off the life support. She showed no signs of waking up...."
"Oh God, oh God, what have I done?" Angel sat back down in his chair and buried his head in his hands.
Silence descended upon the room, save for the sounds of crying.
It was the cruelest fate. A horribly tangled story in which one person had been brought to life but only because of the unknowing sacrifice of the other. Buffy had not intended to save her beloved from eternal damnation but had unwittingly done so, while at the same time condemning herself.
As everyone mourned the loss of their friend, the doors to the hallway leading to Buffy's room suddenly swung open, admitting Buffy's mother. Bracing themselves to hear the worst, everyone was stunned to see the expression of joy upon Mrs. Summers' face.
"She's awake!"
They all stood up, too shocked to say anything.
"It's a miracle! They took her off-" Mrs. Summers chose to skip over that part, "but she started breathing on her own. And then, a minute later, she just, she just opened her eyes, as if she'd been sleeping and had just woken up from a long nap! Oh God, I can't believe it! She's awake, and she's going to be okay. She's really going to be fine!"
All crowded in to give a hug to the elated woman. After they were done, it was Willow who shyly asked, "When can we see her?"
"Right now if you want," Mrs. Summers said happily. "But you'll have to go in there in small groups. I don't think she could take too many visitors at once."
It didn't even need to be said who was going in there first. Xander, Willow, Giles, and Angel gathered in a group by the door while the others retreated to their seats.
"Go on back," Mrs. Summers said, "I've got to go talk to some more of her doctors."
As they entered the room, Angel hung back in the hall, knowing somehow that he had to wait for the right moment. When Buffy saw Willow, Giles and Xander come in, her face broadened into a huge smile and she tried to sit up a bit more in her bed, though the multitudes of wires still running into her body prevented her from doing so. Her father, seeing that his daughter was in good hands, quietly slipped out the door.
"Buffy!" all three enthused as they rushed to the bed and wrapped the Slayer in three tight embraces.
When they pulled back, they dragged chairs right up next to the bed as Giles asked, "How're you feeling?"
Buffy's features pulled into a small frown as she said, "My arm hurts. A lot. And I'm hungry. But otherwise, never better."
Strange words coming from a girl who was nearly dead a half hour ago, thought Giles. But he kept silent and instead listened as Xander said, "We're so glad to have you back Buff."
"Not as glad as I am to *be* back," Buffy stated, smiling as she squeezed Xander's hand.
"We thought for sure that, well, that we weren't going to ever see you again," Willow whispered, tears in her voice.
"Oh God, Will, I'm so sorry for what I put you all through," Buffy said, fiercely hugging the redhead.
No one said anything as they realized that Buffy was referring not only to her incapacitation, but to the actions which had led up to it.
Buffy pulled away from Willow, and heaved a deep breath. "I never meant to hurt you- but I just wasn't thinking rationally. The only thing I ever thought about was how much easier death would be than staying alive and having to deal with my pain. I thought my whole life was meaningless without Angel. And so I did something which I now realize was really stupid, and which I'll regret for the rest of my life."
"Buffy, I must admit, you scared us all immensely. I find it amazing that you were entirely unresponsive for over a month and then all of a sudden you woke up. It truly is a miracle."
Buffy became pensive at Giles' comment. "You know, it's funny you should say that. I don't really remember anything from while I was in the coma, but for some reason I have this recollection of suddenly realizing that I didn't want to die. I'd died once before, when I fought the Master, and I didn't think it was all that great. There was still a lot of stuff I wanted to do...and all at once I understood just how much I was hurting you all."
"It doesn't matter now Buffy, just as long as you're here," Willow said.
"For a long time too, I hope!" All laughed at Buffy's earnest expression. As the laughter died down though, they saw Buffy's eyes suddenly cloud with pain and her mouth pull downward. "I- I'm going to need your guys' help to get through this," Buffy whispered. "I mean, living without Angel...."
"Sorry Buff, but we can't help on that one," Xander said.
Buffy, shocked to hear such insensitive words come out of Xander mouth, whipped her head up to retort....
And found herself staring at Angel.
He was standing in the doorway, and even as Buffy's eyes hungrily drank in the sight of him, including the sunlight which poured down upon his form, her mind told her that it had to be a dream, a cruel joke her subconscious was playing on her.
"Angel...?"
Instead of the form disappearing, as she expected it to, it started walking toward her. Buffy was so stunned that she didn't even think to move her arms and loop them around his neck as he reached down to enfold her in a careful hug. As he pulled away from her, she could only stare, mouth agape.
"What- what's going on?"
As Buffy looked back and forth between her friends for some sort of explanation, they only smiled. "I think Angel can explain it much better than we can," Giles said as he and the teens turned to exit the room.
Glancing over their shoulders on their way out, they beamed as they saw Angel and Buffy sharing one fiery kiss. This time, Buffy's arms were twined around Angel's neck as he leaned on her bed. Yes, Buffy was definitely going to be all right.
Smiling, the three left the room.
FIN
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