"Are you sure?" Giles said, pacing back and forth in front of the three distraught teens.
"Giles, you didn't see her room last night- I've never seen it that clean! And why else would she take everything out of her locker *unless she didn't want someone else to have to clean up her mess*?" Willow placed emphasis on her last few words, desperately trying to get everyone to understand that this was really happening.
Giles suddenly stopped pacing and stared off into space. "This afternoon...when her bag was so heavy...she said she was taking home some things which she didn't need anymore...."
"It was the stuff from her locker!" Willow cried, trying to convince everyone.
"But why would she do that?" Cordelia asked from the relative safety of Xander's arms.
"It's classical suicidal behavior," Willow began. "She knows that her death will be hard on those around her so she's trying to make it as easy as possible for everyone by taking care of all the problems which will crop up later. This way her mom won't have to worry about sorting through her room, or coming to school to retrieve her books. Everything's in order so as to minimize the pain she knows she'll be causing."
"But then why bother killing herself if she knows how much she's going to hurt everyone else?" Xander asked.
This time Giles stepped in. "I believe Buffy is in too much emotional pain right now to think on a completely rational level. Her actions may be construed as those of a sane person, but she is not fully aware of the consequences. I imagine suicide seems the only way out of a life which has become more and more painful with each passing day."
"Why would she come by to get a cross bow then if she was planning to kill herself?"
The room fell silent for a moment as all considered Cordelia's question. Then, suddenly, Willow and Xander burst out simultaneously with "Angel!"
"Yes of course!" Giles exclaimed.
"Uh, would someone care to enlighten me?" Cordelia asked, waving her hand to get the others' attention.
"Buffy thinks it's her fault that Angel's a vampire again," Willow said. "That means that she's going to feel it's her responsibility to kill him, which means that she's going to treat it as one of those things she has to `put in order' before she, before she...."
Willow couldn't finish her sentence. Giles stepped over and placed a hand on her shoulder, silently supporting her when she could not support herself.
"So what are we going to do?" Xander asked impatiently.
"Well, it's not dark yet, so perhaps Buffy would still be at her house and we could, ahem, stop her there," Giles suggested.
"And if not?" Xander asked.
"Then we'll just have to find her," Willow said in a stony voice.
"Which in that case would mean that you would most likely also be facing vampires," Giles said. At the others' grim faces, Giles simply said, "I'll get the weapons."
As Giles disappeared back into the weapons locker, the three teens were left standing silently in the middle of the room, all wondering one question but none daring to voice it: How did Buffy plan on ending her life?
Their silence was interrupted by Giles sudden "Oh God!"
Running to the weapons storage, they found Giles hunched over a relatively large brown sack.
"Giles-" Willow started.
But Giles stood up, holding out the open bag for the others to see. Willow was surprised to notice tears sparkling in the librarian's eyes. "It's her, it's her..things, her weapons...." he said, anguish apparent in his voice.
Willow peeked inside. Sure enough, it was the crosses, stakes, and holy wafers that Buffy kept in her room for her late night slaying trips. "She brought them here-" Willow began.
"So her mother wouldn't have to find them," Xander finsihed sadly.
Silence once agian shrouded the room as all became lost in their own thoughts. Surprisingly, it was Cordelia who spoke first.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing to a piece of white barely visible among the brown of the stakes.
Reaching into the bag, Willow pulled out a letter. Turning it over, she saw Buffy's handwriting scrawl out the words "To my loved ones."
Quickly clapping a hand over her mouth to muffle the sob which had risen in her throat, Willow felt the hot tears gush down her cheeks. Walking to her, Xander gently took the letter from her unresisting fingers and then he pulled her into his embrace. As Willow finally let loose the anguish which she had struggled so hard to keep in check, Xander silently handed the letter to Giles over Willow's shoulder.
Struggling desperately to contain his own emotions and wondering whether or not he should actually read the letter, Giles decided that perhaps reading the last words Buffy had wanted her friends to see would offer some insight into some way to stop her.
Quietly opening the letter and pulling out a single piece of pale blue stationery, Giles began to read:
To my dearest and most beloved friends-
If you are reading this then it means I have finally gone on to a place where I can once again be happy. I am so sorry to do this to you, but please try and understand. Life is no longer worth living without Angel around. I know all of you have tried your hardest to make me feel better, and please don't feel guilty, but I simply can't go on without his love. I know I brought all this upon myself because of my stupidity, and it is because of this that I have decided that from now on I will no longer make you deal with the consequences of my foolish actions. I am truly sorry for the problems I've caused you, and I hope that someday you can find it in your hearts to forgive me for ever entering your lives. I love you all and wish you happiness and success in whatever path you choose to pursue. You are the bestfriends I could ever have wished for.
With love forever,
Buffy
Everyone was crying by the time Giles finished reading Buffy's letter, including Giles himself, who had had to struggle through the last few lines.
"Does she really feel like that? Like we wish we'd never met her?" Xander whispered.
It was a rhetorical question, and therefore received no answer.
Suddenly, Willow, who had seemed to be the most distraught of the entire group, pulled away from Xander and wiped a hand across her eyes. With a steely resolve in her voice, she began speaking.
"Why are we all sitting around here crying? Buffy's not dead yet, but she will be if we don't do something to stop her! There's still a chance we can catch her at her house, but only if we hurry!"
The others, momentarily stunned by Willow's taking charge of the situation, quickly sprang into action. They all began grabbing any necessary weapons while Willow issued commands.
"Xander, don't forget to grab some holy water- there wasn't any in Buffy's stuff! Cordelia- go and bring your car around to the front- it's faster than Giles'! Giles- grab plenty of stakes, I think we're going to need them!"
Within minutes, they were out the door, off to save Buffy even as they quietly prayed that they weren't already too late.
* * *
Buffy ran her hand lovingly over her comforter, doing for the last time something which had become almost second nature. Buffy shed no tears as she glanced around her room for one last look. She believed with everything in her that she was making the right decision. No longer could she put her friends and family in danger. It was time she took responsibility for her own stupid mistake.
With this thought in mind, Buffy walked over to her window and threw the small backpack containing the crossbow and extra arrows to the ground. She stared for a second at the pink and purple sunset, then turned around and picked up the vial of liquid which would be both her salvation and her destruction. Before she had time to react, she quickly drained it. Setting the now empty container back on the table, Buffy adusted her leather jacket over her tank top and jeans and marched determinedly to the window. Swinging first one leg and then the other over the sil, Buffy fell the two stories to the grass below and landed on her feet.
Picking up her supplies and giving one last glance at her house, Buffy took off into the twilight.
* * *
Less than five minutes later a red convertible screeched into Buffy's driveway and before it could even come to a stop, Willow was opening the back of the car and running to pound on Buffy's front door.
When only silence echoed inside the house, Willow turned, only to find the three other occupants of the car standing right behind her. As a terrible thought crossed her mind, she struggled to voice her darkest fear. "What if- what if, Buffy, if she...already, inside the house...."
"I'll go and...see," Xander said darkly, taking off around to the side of the house and the tree that would grant him access to Buffy's window.
As the remaining three members of the team stood there silently, desperately praying that the house was truly as empty as it had sounded, the front door was suddenly pulled open. Everyone jumped, but upon realizing it was only Xander, they all visibly relaxed.
But not for long. They all tensed up again as Willow asked, "Is she-"
"It's empty," Xander replied. Willow blew out a sigh of relief, then grew alarmed once more as she saw the empty vial that Xander held up for everyone's inspection. "I found this on the table by her window. It was the only thing that seemed out of place. You were right about her room Willow," Xander finished quietly.
Willow had ignored Xander's last comment. All of her attention was focused on the clear vial that Giles was now examining. There was nothing left in it save for a drop or two of liquid, but Willow was well aware what that tiny bit of liquid could be.
"Oh my God," Cordelia gasped, "did she, did she...?"
"I can't say for sure without a thorough analysis of the contents, but my guess would be...yes." Giles swallowed audibly on the last word.
"But, but, if she was going to, to...kill Angel, then she'd want to be in top shape, r-right?" Willow's voice trembled.
Giles looked down at the redhead, compassion filling his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. "There are many... poisons which would not take affect for several hours, which would give Buffy enough time to, to-"
Giles could not finish his sentence. He didn't need to. The others had already finished it in their minds: would give Buffy enough time to kill Angel and then kill herself.
"We've got to find her!" Willow burst out, desperation edging her voice.
"But we don't know where the vampires are," Cordelia protested.
"We don't need to know!" Xander said suddenly. His eyes practically gleamed as the idea quickly formed in his head. "All we have to do is go into the sewers and follow the tunnels. That's how Angel and I found Buffy when she went to fight the Master. There are signs which lead to vampire hideouts. We can find her!"
Although no one was exactly thrilled with the idea of slogging around in sewers, no one commented as they locked and shut the door to Buffy's house and then quickly returned to the car. As Cordelia gunned the engine and took off down the suburban street, the sun made its final descent into the ocean and the Earth was plunged into darkness.
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