The dream started as it always did. Buffy was walking alone in a big city, a city which she was sure she had never visited before. She had an instinctive feeling that it was Seattle, yet there was nothing overt to indicate that. No chilly air, no buildings such as the Space Needle to identify it as such. Buffy knew all about Seattle's weather and landmarks because as a child, she had been fascinated with Seattle and had often begged her parents to take her there. When, time after time they refused, Buffy had contented herself with learning as much about the city and surrounding area as possible. Over time, however, her interest had begun to wane, and eventually she had stopped asking for the trip she had so desperately longed to take. Yet strangely enough dreams such as these, with Seattle as a central setting, had been steadily building in the frequency with which she had them for the past three months. Buffy couldn't say why, yet she sensed they were important.
As Buffy walked through the city, the gray sky opened up and began pelting her with tiny raindrops. Buffy desperately sought shelter from the pouring rain, running up and down the street, but could not find a doorway anywhere. Just when she began to give up hope of ever getting out of the deluge, she spied a door which was recessed in an old building, and ran to it. Turning the knob, she found, much to her surprise, that it opened, so she stepped across the threshold....
And found herself standing in the middle of a giant meadow. For as far as the eye could see, a sea of brightly colored flowers covered the landscape. Her first instinct was to run through the vibrantly colored blossoms as fast as she could, but something stopped her. Glancing down, she spied two white rose buds laying on the ground. Sensing the roses' importance, she bent down to pick them up-
"Buffy, Buffy honey, it's time to get up. You can't be late for school."
Buffy jerked awake at the feel of the gentle nudging on her shoulder, her eyes flying open to stare into her mother's face.
"Wha- What?" asked a disoriented Buffy.
"Your alarm clock went off more than fifteen minutes ago. I thought you were up, but when I called upstairs that breakfast was ready, you didn't answer."
"I-I was having the strangest dream."
"Well, there's no time to dwell on it now. If you don't hurry, you're going to be late."
Joyce Summers left the room and Buffy reluctantly pulled herself out of bed. But as she hastily washed her face and pulled on some clothes, she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that she was missing something very important in that dream....
* * *
"Buffy, hello, earth to Buffy, anybody home?"
"Xander!" Willow chastised.
"What? Um, sorry guys, my mind was kinda elsewhere," said the spaced-out Slayer.
"Elsewhere, as in orbiting Mars?"
Buffy let out a small giggle at Xander's pathetic attempt at humor. Buffy had to admit it felt good to laugh. Lately with this whole dream business, she had been entirely too serious.
"I guess I was just thinking about the dream again," Buffy confessed sheepishly.
"You're still having it?" Willow asked. "What's it been now, two months?"
"Three," Buffy corrected.
"Have you told the G-man?" Xander asked.
"Not yet. The opportunity just hasn't presented itself."
"Buffy," Willow admonished, "You really should talk to Giles. I'm sure he could offer some very good insights."
"I know...." Buffy whined, annoyed at being chastised.
"You really should just tell him," Xander said. "And there's no better time than today, that's what I always say."
"Since when?" Willow raised her eyebrows at Xander.
"Since now. Actually my motto is usually `Why do today what you could put off until tomorrow,' but I'll make an exception for Buffy."
The girls laughed.
"Speaking of today Buffy, are you and Giles, I mean, the two of you, are you, uh, going to, uh, I mean is he going to help you with that term paper after school today?" Willow asked, trying to be mindful that none of the cafeteria's lunchtime crowd overheard and suspected anything suspicious.
Buffy gave Willow a "What the hell are you talking about?" look.
Xander elaborated. "What she means is, are you and Giles planning to work on that paper about martial arts technique today?"
A look of comprehension dawned on Buffy face. "Uh yeah. You guys don't have to stick around though. It could be awhile."
"Of course we have to stick around. That's what friends do. Stick. Together. You know, like um, magnets, that are attracted to each other and form bonds so they can, oh wait, there are three of us, and only two magnets, so a third magnet would be repelled and-"
"Xander?" Buffy interrupted.
"What?" the frustrated boy looked up.
"Give it up."
"Oh. Okay."
Buffy and Willow giggled at Xander's confused expression.
"No really, guys," Buffy added, "Don't bother to wait for me. I'll probably be more focused if I know that I'm not keeping you guys from living your happy little lives. Just go home and I'll see you at the Bronze, tonight, okay?"
"Sure Buffy," Willow said, even as Xander started to protest. He shot his best friend a dirty look. Willow just stared back at him, with a small smile gracing her lips and her eyes wide and innocent.
Just then, the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. The trio rose and walked out of the cafeteria, off to their respective dooms.
* * *
"Okay, Buffy, I think that's enough," panted a very exhausted Giles. Yet the Slayer continued to kick the pads Giles held aloft for her. "Buffy, you've done quite enough for today, you can stop." The kicking continued. "*Stop*!" Giles yelled.
Buffy immediately stopped kicking the pads and stood staring at her Watcher.
"My God, Buffy, what has gotten into you?" Giles asked as he began to take off the cumbersome padding.
"I'm sorry, Giles, I didn't even realize you had said anything," the weary Slayer uttered, dropping her tired body into the closest available chair.
"I know that, and that's precisely what worries me. You were entirely in your own world, and I don't even think you were aware of what you were doing. That is not a good quality for a Slayer to have."
"Giles, I know that. Look, I'm really sorry, it won't happen again."
"But it already has, Buffy. This has happened the last several times we've trained. Each time you've said it won't happen again, and each time it does. Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong, or am I going to have to pry it out of you?"
"Nothing's wrong-"
"I don't believe you. Lately you've been withdrawn, distracted, and just...downright odd. This has to have some affect on your slaying ability and as your Watcher it is my duty to make sure that is not compromised in any way."
"Gee thanks, Giles, you really know how to make a girl feel loved."
Giles cringed inwardly as he realized how cold and callous his last remark had sounded. He really did care for the girl, and it worried him to see her like this.
"Now I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't mean for that last remark to come out that way. Buffy, your behavior lately is baffling me, and I simply can't help but think that there has to be some underlying cause for it."
Buffy sighed deeply and turned her head to look her Watcher in the eye. "You really wanna know what's bothering me? Okay, I'll tell you, but I'm warning you it's nothing important. Well," Buffy began, "I've kinda been having this recurring dream lately-"
"A dream?" Giles started to pace. "Do you think it has to do with another prophecy? Oh my, I hadn't found any which were due to happen anytime soon, but maybe I was wrong. Oh, this could be very bad, very bad indeed if I hadn't even managed to predict-"
"Giles, chill. It doesn't have even the remotest relation to evil prophecies or anything vampire-y."
Giles stopped in mid-step. "Then why are you so worried about it?"
Buffy sighed again. "I'm not worried. I'm...disturbed by it. It's not even a scary dream or anything, but it gives me the wiggins anyway."
"What exactly is this dream about?"
"It's nothing. I'm walking in a city and it starts to rain, so I run for cover, but nothing's open. I finally manage to find a door, but when I walk in, I'm in a meadow with a bunch of flowers. I see two white roses at my feet, so I reach down to pick them up, and that's when I always wake up. End of dream. See, no biggie."
"Well, something about it obviously bothers you, so there must be some importance, although I can't really think of anything directly implied by any of the symbols you mentioned. Flowers, cities- it all seems very vague to me. White traditionally stands for purity or innocence, although I don't really see how that ties in-"
"Giles- calm down! I seriously doubt this has anything to do with my being the Slayer. I think it's more personal, I just can't put a finger on it."
"How long have you been having this dream?"
"I don't know, three months maybe? I've had similar dreams all my life, but none have been as intense as this one. They usually don't repeat themselves either, but this has been the exact same dream each time. I don't get it."
"Three months ago, you say? Maybe it was a reaction to your, er, battle with the Master?"
"Giles, that was like five months ago! Okay, so maybe my subconscious delayed the dream for awhile, but why would it choose pretty flowers and meadows as a metaphor for death?"
"Oh, I uh, see your point."
"Do you?" Now it was Buffy's turn to pace. "This dream unsettles me in a way that none of my vampire dreams ever did. Every time I have it, I get this overwhelming sense that my whole life is not what it seems, that I'm not me. I know I'm inclined to feel like that, being the Slayer and all and having to live two lives, but still....I don't know how to describe it, but I know those two white roses hold the key. If only I didn't wake up every time I reached for them...."
"Has it occurred to you that maybe you're not supposed to pick them up yet? Maybe your subconscious is preparing you for something, something that you're not ready to know yet? I'll admit, that is a bit extreme, but it is a possibility that certainly exists."
Buffy collapsed into a nearby chair and put her head down on the table. "If only I knew," she whispered.
Giles awkwardly placed a hand on the girl's shoulder. "There, there, I'm sure everything will be all right."
Buffy looked up at him through the veil of her hair. "I seem to recall you saying something along those lines before I went to fight the Master."
Giles turned bright red and quickly snatched his hand away. "Ahem, well, yes, what I meant was, um-"
"Giles, it's okay. I was just kidding. Sense of humor? Hello? Remember that thing that makes you think laughing is *good*?"
Giles glanced at her once last time and then walked towards his office. Buffy rolled her eyes and then proceeded to follow him.
She found her Watcher standing behind his desk attempting to straighten the mess that had accumulated on the top. They both knew it was a futile effort, but Giles simply needed something to occupy himself with for the moment. He was always fussy when he became flustered. Buffy looked at him for a long moment, then turned and walked back out into the library.
As she walked over to her bag, Buffy glanced up at the clock on the wall. 4:45- yikes! She'd had no idea that they had trained so long. Usually, she was out of there no later than 3:15, or 3:30 max. Of course, usually, she had Xander and Willow waiting for her, and she didn't want to keep them. Today had actually been kind of nice. No pressures, just an intense training session with Giles. Buffy felt good.
As Buffy was gathering her things into her bag, Giles reemerged from his office, carrying a stack of books. He walked over to the long table and set them down, before doing the same with himself.
Buffy looked over at him. "Researching more ancient prophecies?"
Giles pushed his spectacles up on his nose. "No, actually, I was going to see what I could find about dream interpretation."
"Giles, that's sweet and all, but it's a Friday night, and you really should be out on the town boogying, or something. C'mon, it'll keep until Monday. Go out. Have fun. You do remember what fun is, don't you?"
"No really, I don't mind."
"Giles, you need to get a life, pronto."
Giles turned to face the petulant Slayer. "Buffy," he said in the sternest tone he could muster, "if I wanted to be out doing something else, I would be. Contrary to popular belief, I do know what fun is, and I have even been known to indulge in it myself on occasion. So stop bothering me and go home."
Buffy was intrigued. "You? Have fun? Now this is something I would have to see to believe."
Giles blew out a frustrated breath. "Buffy, go home."
"Oh c'mon Giles, we never really get to talk." Buffy pulled up a chair and straddled it, placing her hands on the back and then putting her face on her hands. "What was your life like before you became a Watcher? What did you do? Did you have to leave all your friends behind when you moved here? Did you have to leave, um, someone special?"
Giles personally felt that a 16-year-old girl had no business knowing about his love life, but something in Buffy's tone of voice told Giles that she wasn't going to let go of this very easily. No, there was no way he could see of getting out of this conversation without raising more questions than he answered.
So he decided to give her a brief rundown of his history and then hope that she would leave him alone. "My life before I came here was rather boring, at least by your standards. I was the curator at the British museum. I enjoyed my work, but I'm sure others would have found it very dull. No I did not leave friends behind, because I never really had the opportunity to make them. The same goes for women. I always knew I would one day be called to my duties, so I decided not to make any permanent attachments. That's it." Of course that wasn't all of it, but Giles really didn't think this was the time or the place for his young charge to learn about his strange and sometimes sordid past.
But Buffy was having none of that. Once she had her teeth into something, she could be more tenacious than a pit bull. "Giles, there had to have been someone once, maybe not recently, but someone all the same. It is impossible for someone to have lived his entire life without friends, or um, relationships."
And she was right. Giles knew she was right. But how could he reveal the details of a very painful event in his past to a 16-year-old girl who had just barely begun to experience life? "Buffy, this is really something I can't discuss with you-"
"Why?" Buffy burst out as she shot out of her seat, very hurt that Giles refused to share with her any details about his life. "Because I'm just a kid and I wouldn't understand? Well, let me tell you something, Giles. I understand a lot more than people ever give me credit for. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I haven't felt things or experienced things. I've experienced more in 16 years than most people will ever experience in their entire lives! So, if you're not going to tell me, then fine, but just don't do it because of my age or what you perceive to be inability to understand it." She stared at him long and hard for a moment, then reached down to grab her bag and leave.
Giles wondered if somehow Slayers had been endowed with psychic powers and no one had ever noticed it before. He realized the validity of her hasty comments and knew it wasn't fair for him not to share the experience that had had such an integral part in forming his beliefs and attitudes. It was at that moment that he decided to reveal a part of himself he had kept hidden for a very long time.
"All right Buffy. I'll tell you." His words stopped her in mid-step just as she was about to exit the library. Slowly, she pivoted around and looked at him intensely, as if to ascertain whether or not he was telling the truth. Satisfied that he was, she made her way back to the chair she had just vacated and resumed her position in it.
"Okay, Giles, let's hear it."
Giles had to pause a moment and take a deep breath to collect himself. It had been so long since he'd even contemplated telling this story that he had trouble putting his thoughts into words. Yet, somehow, he felt...right...about sharing it with Buffy. Slowly, he began.
"There was...someone...once, a long time ago. Almost twenty years ago, in fact. Her name was Erin, Erin Daniels, and we met at University. She was an exchange student, an American, and we met in my Ancient Mythology course. We `hit it off', as you might say, right away. From then on, we were together nearly every moment. She captivated me as no other woman ever had. She was very bright, very full of life and energy, and that energy was infectious. I don't ever recall being in a bad mood when I was with her."
"You loved her a lot." It wasn't a question.
"She was everything to me," Giles whispered.
"What happened?" Buffy asked quietly.
Giles' voice became utterly flat and devoid of emotion. "One day, about two months after we first met, I went over to her flat to pick her up for a night out. I rang the bell, and when no one answered after a few minutes, I rang it again. When there was still no answer, I tried the knob and discovered it was unlocked. I went inside and found everything gone."
"Everything?"
"Everything."
"She just up and left?" Buffy gasped. "That's it? No `Goodbye, seeya later, if you're ever in America look me up?'"
"Nothing."
"Gosh Giles, that's harsh. That must've been really tough."
"The strange part was, I didn't hate her then. I believed that whatever made her leave without telling me must have been something terrible. I imagined all sorts of things happening to her, horrible things, and I was scared for her."
"Did you try to find her?"
"I went to the Registrar's office to see if I could somehow convince her to give me Erin's address in America. I knew she was from Raleigh, North Carolina, but not much else. When I asked the Registrar for information about her, I was told that there had never been anyone by that name enrolled in the school."
"What?!"
"I was utterly astonished to hear that. I couldn't believe it. Erin had attended several classes, including the one I shared with her. However, when I went to talk to her professors, none of them recalled a student by that name in their classes. They had certainly never received any papers from her, any homework. Everywhere I checked, no one ever remembered a woman matching her description. It seemed I had been in love with a phantom."
"Omigod. That would have really weirded me out. What did you do?"
"The only thing I could think to do; I took a leave of absence from school and traveled to the States to try and find her."
"You did all that to track down a woman you weren't even sure existed?"
"Oh, I knew she existed. Maybe no one else did, but I had pictures to verify that I hadn't just dreamed the whole affair. I flew to North Carolina and began my search. I went through old birth records, but could find no mention of anyone bearing that name born in the year of her birth."
"Maybe she was born in another state and moved to North Carolina when she was older?"
"That's what I thought. I remembered the name of the high school she said she had attended, so I decided to check there. Nothing. There was no record of her ever having been there. That was when I began to believe that the woman I loved was not what she seemed."
"Just then you started to realize that?"
But Giles was oblivious to Buffy's comments. He continued to speak, his eyes fixed on some indiscernible point behind Buffy's head. "I returned to England utterly dejected. I shut myself off from my family, refusing to speak to anyone. I simply could not reconcile the image I had of this cold, heartless woman who would leave a man she had professed to love, with the woman I had known and loved for months."
Giles fell silent, and Buffy, not being able to think of anything to say herself, simply stared at the table. A long moment passed, before Buffy tentatively raised her eyes and looked at Giles. Her voice came out in little more than a whisper. "Giles, I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't know that something like that had happened to you."
Giles shrugged carelessly, a gesture that Buffy thought did not really suit him. "It's all right. It's in the past now."
But Buffy still felt she owed him an explanation. "When I asked you to tell me about your life, I thought maybe I could find out a little more about you. I mean, you know everything about me, but I know next to nothing about you. I thought you'd say something like `I discovered tweed as a young child and decided to use it as a metaphor for life.' I never imagined that...well, I'm really sorry."
Giles had to chuckle at the girl's reference to his fabric of choice. Buffy, upon hearing the sound, gave an audible sigh of relief. Giles was back to his old self.
The Watcher turned to look at his young pupil. "Buffy, as I said, it was all a very long time ago, and I try not to dwell on it. Now, quit making a nuisance of yourself and go home!"
This time it was Buffy's turn to laugh. Trying to smother the huge grin that threatened to spread itself across her face at Giles' gentle teasing, the Slayer gathered up her things and headed for the library doors. Stopping just before her exit, Buffy turned back to her Watcher and said in her most sincere voice, "Giles? Thanks for sharing that with me. It means a lot."
Giles, quite startled to hear something so serious come out Buffy's mouth, looked at her and with a small smile lifting the corners of his mouth, said, "You're welcome."
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