"If I Should Die Before I Wake"
by Gaius Petronius
DISCLAIMER:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on
the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox
and Mutant Enemy, Inc. I only borrow them, mess with their heads,
make them cry and, every once in a while, torture them. I do lay
claim to the character of Johannes Martel since he is the central
character in an original novel I've been working on now for too
many years.
Spoilers: BtVS season two. Originally written in script format
during the spring of 1998, "If I should die before I wake"
is the sequel to my first Buffy novel, "Carpe Diem."
Rating: PG for violence and language."
* * * * * * * *
"But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused
Between the dead and the sleeping
And the road that I must choose."
The Moody Blues, "Question," 1970
* * * * * * * *
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Anonymous child's prayer
* * * * * * * *
Chapter 4 - "If only . . ."
Country song lyrics are from "Bells" by Jimmy
Rankin and the Rankin Family
Buffy was late again the next morning and skipped the Scooby
meeting on the front steps of Sunnydale High. Xander found her
seated in one of the hallway lounge sofas after first period.
She stared off into space and barely acknowledged his presence.
He could tell she was still wrestling in her mind with the previous
night's events in the cemetery and especially with what the two
of them and Giles had found in Warehouse #3.
Xander couldn't deal with the way she was acting. He understood
it. He just couldn't stand it. This fit of the broody moodies
was as bad if not worse than when Angel dumped her after their
one nighter. In Xander's mind, there was no difference between
Angel and Angelus. One was nastier, true, and would snap any Scooby
neck as soon as look at it. But to Xander it was still Angel who
had used Buffy and thrown her away.
He never would have done that to her, he thought. She was Buffy,
LA hottie, funny and just perfect. Well not exactly perfect considering
her taste in men but still, in Xander's eyes, there was no one
at Sunnydale High, not even sex goddess Cordelia Chase, who could
come even close to her.
Never in a million years would he have walked out on Buffy.
She was, well, . . . Buffy. He wasn't sure exactly what he was
feeling but this was Buffy and he knew, no matter what, he would
stand beside her. He might screw up, say or do stupid things,
but dump her after making love to her? The thoughts were incomprehensible,
both the dumping and the making love and not in that order. His
mind wandered to the words of a secret favorite country song that
not even Willow had ever caught him listening to,
"If only you would love me,
Bells would ring,
And voices silent for a thousand years,
Suddenly could sing.
And the heart of a bandit,
would surely vanish without a clue.
And the world would go on turning,
My darling, if only you . . ."
Rather he'd snatch up the nearest sword, leap into the thick
of the battle, dust vamp after vamp and finally fall, run through
on the weapons of the hoards overwhelming them, all of it to protect
Buffy. If only . . .
He would do anything for her . . . always. There was no demon,
spell, or multi topping pizza in Sunnydale much less Southern
California that would ever get him to leave her after . . . Xander
shook his head. He had to stop fantasizing like this. After all,
this morning, Buffy needed him. That was the real thing, here,
right now.
He had to get her attention and cheer her up. That was all
that mattered.
"Maybe you should watch more television," he said,
at the same time realizing the joke was a lame one, "They
say it's great for neutralizing brain cells."
Buffy just glanced at Xander and smiled weakly.
"Aw come on Buff! This is Xander Harris you're blowing
off here!" he exclaimed, trying the firmer but still kidding
approach, "You know, the guy that wiped out on his skateboard
first time he saw you!"
Something in Xander's voice reached out, and Buffy remembered
her first morning at Sunnydale High. She looked at Xander affectionately.
"Seems so long ago," she sighed, then resumed staring
straight ahead.
"You gotta have a little faith," Xander said, going
for the slight opening, "Giles is putting in overtime on
it right now. I know he didn't leave last night. If there's anyway
to help Jonathan, he'll find it."
"I know he's trying," Buffy replied, still despairing,
"But if Drusilla can control Jonathan, then she can open
the Hellmouth. That's what we have to worry about."
"No Buff!" Xander answered and the firmness in his
voice, reinforced by unquestioned belief, made her look back at
him, "This is not about the Hellmouth. This is about Jonathan.
When we rescue him, the Hellmouth problem is solved, right?"
As he gazed at her, despite his best efforts, the country song
danced in his head while his fantasy ran wild.
"If only you would notice,
grass would grow again.
And all the leaves that have fallen,
would blow away in the wind.
And the sun would shine forever
all the flowers would blossom and bloom.
Even I could face the morning,
My darling if only you . . ."
Buffy stared at Xander and the gift he was offering her. She
saw it in his rich brown eyes, and it was hers unconditionally.
She realized she did love Xander. Not the way he wanted her to,
but in a manner just as deep and possibly more long lasting. She
prayed he would understand some day. She took his gift and held
it close to her heart.
"Am I right?" he nudged her shoulder playfully.
"Yeah . . . right. Come 'ere," Buffy replied nodding
as she reached out, wrapped her arms around Xander and gave him
a Slayer squeeze with just a little extra strength. Xander squeaked
as the pressure of her arms and chest against his ribs forced
him to exhale briefly.
"Thanks," she whispered in his ear in almost a kiss
and released her hug, "Once in a while you know the right
thing to say to a girl."
"Wow!" Xander caught his breath, "Was this,
like, a real communication moment?"
"Yeah, . . . I think so," Buffy nodded partly to
herself and partly to Xander at her side.
"But I still can't get fresh?" Xander grinned.
"Nah!" Buffy smiled back. She realized he had done
what he intended. He had broken her blue funk, and she was grateful.
"Okay, just checking," Xander said as he glanced
down the hallway, "Uh, you seen Cordy anywhere this morning?"
"So much for the moment!" Buffy laughed, rolling
her eyes.
Buffy stood up and headed down the hallway to class. Midway
there, Butch Michalski, captain of the football team, barged in
front of Buffy blocking her path.
"Hey, Summers, how ya doing?"
"Michalski, could you let me by?" Buffy huffed. This
was not the first time he had tried to back her into a corner.
"I gotta get to class," she said carefully so that he
understood.
"In a sec," he ignored her protest, "Listen,
you're sorta free right now. I mean, you're not seeing that Angel
dude anymore and your cousin's back in Europe."
Buffy tensed up. She took a deep breath and composed herself.
"Well, you and me could go out tonight. I know a couple
of bars where they'll serve anybody."
"Thanks, Michalski, but I don't think so," Buffy
said, struggling to remain civil, "I sorta want to be on
my own for awhile now."
"Doesn't stop ya from hanging out with that Harris loser,"
Michalski grinned sarcastically as he thumbed down the hallway
in the direction of Xander.
Buffy bit her lip slightly and prayed she wasn't turning red
with fury.
"Xander's just a good friend . . . and we don't go out,"
she immediately regretted putting it that way.
"Listen, Summers, let's skip class and go out to my car
and talk about it." Michalski pressed in closer.
"No way," she said firmly, "I got enough problems
in history without anymore cuts." Walk away now, her mind
said.
Buffy turned but Michalski grabbed her shoulder and restrained
her. "Don't hit him!" her mind screamed. "All you
gotta do is deck the captain of the football team and it's suspension
for sure!"
"Come on, Summers!" and his fingers dug deep into
the flesh of her shoulder.
Suddenly from out of nowhere, a third body shoved itself between
Buffy and the football player. Xander who had stopped for one
last quick glance at the Slayer, barged between Buffy and Michalski,
breaking his hold on Buffy.
"Hey! You got ears to go with that nose, Michalski?"
Xander shouted with as much bravado as he could muster, "She
said 'No!'" This wasn't exactly in his fantasy. Somehow the
six foot two inch, two hundred pound linebacker seemed scarier
than the vampires Xander was planning to dust in defense of Buffy.
This involved real pain.
"Listen, you little creep," Michalski growled as
he towered over Xander, "You stay outta my social life or
I'll make you a soprano for the rest of yours!"
"Oh yeah! And I'll bite your beautiful nose off!"
Not exactly a Xander super witty but it did get Michalski pissed.
He grabbed Xander by the collar, picked him up and threw him against
the lockers on the wall. Xander hit the metal with a bang at the
same time as he struggled to land a punch on Michalski, missing
hopelessly. Michalski pulled Xander up to his feet and was about
to plant a fist in Xander's mid section when Buffy seized the
football player's arm and twisted it around behind his back. She
knew her face was red because she turned the heavy wrist in her
grip hard and in a direction it was not meant to go.
She didn't care. Screw suspension. This was Xander.
"Ow! Geez Summers!" Michalski howled.
"Stop this NOW!" the piercing command of Principal
Snyder caused the gathering crowd of students to scatter.
Buffy instantly released Michalski who doubled up clutching
his arm.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Summers?!" he whined.
"Shut up, Michalski!" Principal Snyder shouted in
disgust, "Did she hurt you?"
"No!" Michalski replied as if the question were an
insult which it was," OW!" he howled again as he tried
to move his wrist.
"Stop whining and get to the Nurse's office!" Snyder
didn't have time for a pain sensitive athlete. He had more important
issues to deal with. In particular, there was Buffy Summers who
finally was right where he wanted her.
"Principal Snyder, let me explain," Buffy cried out
but she realized resistance was futile.
"I'm not interested in explanations!" Snyder exclaimed
with relish, "Harris!"
"Yeah, I know the drill," Xander nodded in resignation,
"Two weeks detention."
"Get outta here and get to class!"
Xander shuffled down the hallway. As he was about to disappear
into the surging crowds of students, he cast a look back over
his shoulder at Buffy. She was watching him and mouthed a single
word.
"Thanks," her lips said silently.
Xander saw it, smiled and now relished the pain spreading across
his bruised back muscles from the impact against the lockers.
He sauntered off to class, a little bounce in his step, all the
while whistling his country music.
"If the war we've been living
would cease to be. Let us live again,
And the chains that have held us,
would break away and set us free,
then my heart like an eagle,
would fly away into the blue.
Close the book, quietly disappear,
My darling if only you . . ."
"Summers!" Snyder bellowed, "My office! Now!"
Buffy strode down the hall with Principal Snyder following
close behind. She knew he finally had her. Other students stared
at her passing by as if she were a condemned prisoner heading
for the gallows. As she glanced up she realized the look on her
face said only one thing.
"Shit, this is it. All over. Suspension, here I come."
* * * * *
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