Cut to Willy's bar. The camera pans over several bins filled to the brim with dust. Willy is sweeping the last of the dust up. A couple of vampires and other beasties are in drinking. The Mayor and Mr Trick enter with a cadre of vamps.
Willy: Mr Mayor! Mr Trick! What brings you here?
Mayor: Well, I heard about the incident here today, and I felt it was my duty, as Mayor, to come round, and well, see that you're in one piece. You know, small businesses like yours are the key to maintaining a sense of community, these big national chains are so souless, not that I'm one to talk. Now, where was I? Oh, yes: the whereabouts of Ethan Rayne.
Willy: I don't know, he just took off after that kid wrecked the place.
Mr Trick: The Mayor is very keen to trace him too.
Willy: Why? He got all your vamps killed, right, and Ethan set that up, so that's okay, right?
Mayor: Well William, that's the funny thing. Mr Rayne never mentioned anything about this virile young man. The original plan had these unfortunates (stirs one of the dustbins) in Mr Rayne's warehouse waiting to be made invulnerable, he'd let in the sun, and I'd have no more worries about who was loyal to me.(cleans dust off his hands with bar cloth)
Mr Trick: The honourable Mayor is very concerned about loyalty.
Willy: I really don't know anything
Mr Trick grabs Willy and vamps out
Mayor: I remind you that your liquor licence here has not been approved yet.
Willy: Okay, he double-crossed you. I didn't know until it was too late I swear. He has this staff, it kinda sucks the power outta people. He was gonna take all the vamps in here.but he said that the kid got hold the staff, and got the slayers and Angel, and then he turns up and wrecks my bar.
Mayor: And where did Mr Rayne go, after this little fracas?
Willy: Okay, I heard a whisper that somebody found that hoodoo circle painted on the ground in one of the sewers.
Mr Trick: Where?
Willy: You wanna help me out here Mickey?
Cut to one of booths. It's empty, but there's a shadow of some horned creature on the wall. The shadow turns its head.
Mickey's Shadow (Irish accent): The one that runs under the shopping centre.
Willy: Thanks, Mickey, your next beer's on me.
Mickey: Cheers
A bottle on Mickey's table is lifted up in salute.
Cut to Cordy's front door. Xander carries Cordy up to her door. He puts her down and she walks in. She carries on holding onto his newly manly bicep, smiling. She then opens the door and goes inside
Cordy: Aren't you coming in?
Xander: I uh...
Cordy: Don't worry, my parents are in LA.
Xander: I can't...you have to
Cordy: Look, I almost get eaten, you jump in like Superman, only well dressed, save my life and carry me home without even breaking sweat, and now you're just standing there like a big pile of stupid?
Xander: What's your point?
Cordy: I think you're sexy again! I'm sure I'm just vulnerable and confused cos of the near-death and stuff. It's bound to wear off soon.
Xander: So what do you want me to do?
Cordy: Duh? Come in before it does!
She pulls him inside and near enough jumps down his throat. Cue the silly “Cordy and Xander Snogging” music. They fall inside, Xander on top. More kissing. After a while, Cordy breaks off.
Xander: What is is?
Cordy: God! Don't you need to breathe? Come on, get up.
They stand up, Cordy fixes her hair in a large mirror hanging on the wall. She finishes her hair, and when she's done, she notices that Xander isn't in the mirror.
Cordy: Xander, where'd you..(spins round and is surprised by Xander being right behind her) Argh! Hey, you're a vampire.
Xander: No I'm not
Cordy switches her hairbrush round, and flick a switch in it. A short panel on the handle rotates through ninety degrees, so the handle forms a cross. Xander vamps and knocks the brush out her hands. Cordy freaks and runs down the corridor. Xander runs past Cordy with ridiculous speed and blocks her way, holding her arms. He unvamps.
Xander: Okay, I am a vampire. But I'm a good vampire.
Cordy: Like Angel?
Xander vamps and growls
Cordy: Okay not like him in any way. Except you're good? (Xander nods) Can you unyuck your face please?
Xander does so
Cordy: How come you're...
Xander: Angel was in the circle too. I've never been bitten, so I just got the vampire superstrength. I'm still me, really.
Cordy: You didn't have to lie to me, silly.
Xander: Why not?
Cordy: I used to dig you when you were a loser, a geek and a wuss. Slayer Vampire is way more classy. Way stronger too. My hand hurts.
Xander: You'll be fine.
Cordy: Your concern is touching. Where did you get that jacket?...
Cordy puts her hands round Xander inside the jacket and they kiss. She takes his jacket off Cut to Cordy's bed. Cordy is thown onto the bed, laughing, and Xander follows. She takes her jumper off. She has a small bra top thing underneath. Xander is sans top. They embrace and start kissing passionately.
Cordy: Stop, stop.
Xander: What, you need to breathe again?
Cordy: No, you're freezing. It's like smooching a corpse.
Xander: Cordy, I am a corpse. A little more lively than your average coffin content, but..
Cordy: Wait, I got it.
Cut to Cordy's bathroom. Candles surround the enormous bathtub, which is full of bubbles, and a reheated Xander.
Xander(calling to out of room) : I think I'm pretty warm now. I'm getting out.
Cordy enters, wrapped in a towel.
Cordy: I'd like it if you stayed.
Cut to Xander. Cordy's towel flies into shot, covering Xander's face He puts the towel down.
Xander: I think I would too.
Cut to Library. Giles is looking through his books. We see the book he is reading has a picture of the Egyptian necklace. Another sitting open has the staff Ethan used.
Giles: Oh Lord! Xander!
He runs to the phone in the office.
Cut to Bronze. The Dingos have finished their set, and a slow number is playing. Oz and Willow, and Buffy and Angel are dancing. Buffy's buzzer goes off.
Buffy: We gotta get to the library, stat
Cut back to Cordy's place. Xander and Cordelia doing some highly naughty touching in the bath. Xander is kissing Cordelia's face, working his way round to her ears. He looks down at her hot wet neck, and vamps out, and starts kissing her neck, before jerking away and unvamping. Cordy notices him pulling back, but not the vamping. Xander give a reassuring smile, and they carry on. Xander kisses her again, and she shuts her eyes. Xander looks worried. He keeps on caressing Cordelia, of course. He's not that stupid.
Cut to Library. The gang come in, minus Cordy and Xander
Buffy: Okay, what gives?
Giles: The necklace. It's the Shield of Horus
Buffy: Shield of Whores?
Angel: Horus, an Egyptian god with the power to bring life after death
Giles: And brother to Osiris, the god of the dead. The shield prevents demons from infecting whoever wears the necklace. The bearer of the shield is completely immune to possesion of any kind. Ethan was wearing it at the warehouse.
Buffy: And you dragged us away from the Bronze just to tell us that? We were having a good time.
She and Angel make lovey dovey eyes at each other.
Giles: There are more important things here than you two, erm snogging!
Cut to Cordy's bedroom. Camera pans over trail of wet footprints, and two wet towels on the floor at the foot of the bed. Xander and Cordy are now in bed. Cue music, a remix of Air's “Talisman”, from the Moon Safari album. Needs to made more scary at the end. Cut to Library
Oz: Ethan
Buffy: What about Ethan? He's gone. We party. Oh wait we were.
Giles: Don't you see? Ethan was wearing the shield when he tried to take Angel's powers.
Buffy: So?
Oz: Xander.
Willow: What about Xander?
Cut to Cordy's bed. The pair are making love passionately. Xander again is drawn to Cordelia's neck, and vamps. He hesitates, as though wrestling internally with the psychological repercussions, before unvamping. Cut to Library
Angel: Ethan must have wearing the shield for a reason. The staff transfers the demon too?
Giles: Yes, I tracked it down too. (takes the book). The staff was used by Inca shamens to drain the powers of paranormal beings. Anything unnatural, anything not found in a normal human, is transferred to the bearer of the staff.
Oz: Not if you're wearing the shield.
Giles: Well, I assume the powers are conveyed, but not the possesion. That must be what Ethan was counting on. He was planning to take the power of every one of those vampires, and of yourselves, but remain in control. Remain, himself, I suppose.
Buffy: I don't get it. How come Xander isn't running around killing people?
Cut to Xander and Cordy. He is again vamped out and hovering over her neck, this time getting closer, and baring his fangs, before drawing back. Cordelia doesn't notice. Xander's a slayer powered studmuffin now, and she's got better things to think about Cut to Library
Angel: It's my demon.
Giles: Sorry?
Angel: The demon's been in me for over two centuries. It's used to the way I think. If it suddenly found itself in Xander's mind...
Oz: Confusing place to be.
Giles: How long till it adapts?
Angel: I have no idea.
Giles: We need to find him immediately.
Willow: But Xander still has his soul, right? He would never hurt anyone.
Angel: You don't know what it's like. The demon never rests, if you let your guard down for a second it can find a way in.
Cut to Cordy and Xander. As they reach their climax, Xander is vamped out permanently, unseen by Cordy. He stays off until the moment of orgasm, then gives in and and bites Cordelia. She writhes around, overcome by the sexual release of the feed.. When Xander breaks off from Cordy, he reaches out for a pair of nail scissors on the night table, slits his tongue open, and they french kiss deeply. Cordelia vamps out. Cut to Cordy's front door. Xander and Cordelia stand on the step, surveying the world. Their hair and clothes are suitably vamplike. I'd recommend an extremely tight black leather catsuit/trousers for Cordelia, but then I would, wouldn't I? This is why we have things called “Restraining Orders”
Xander: It's a great house you got here, Cordelia. What are the neighbours like?
Cordelia:I'm sure you'll love them
They vamp out and head towards the next house.
Cut to the Bronze. The Gang are spread out, working through the crowd .The camera sweeps round and we overhear scraps of the Gang talking to various people, trying to find Xander and Cordelia. The camera rests on Buffy and Vanessa.
Vanessa: Yeah she was here, but I think she left early
The camera sweeps over to Oz, Willow and Devon. Larry is approaching.
Devon: Wait, yeah, she left during our set. Didn't you see?
Oz: I wasn't looking at her. Willow smiles and hugs Oz
Devon: Xander left right after, same time as the two college guys.
Larry: Xander with TWO college guys? Way to go dude...
Camera draws back as Larry walks off, leaving Oz and Willow looking baffled. They go and find Giles, and talk to him. Cut to outside Cordy's house. The gang are sitting in the van. An ambulance and police car are sitting outside the neighbours house. Giles is talking to some of the paramedics, as two bodies are brought out under bloodstained sheets. Giles walks up the the window of the van.
Giles: I'm afraid we're too late.
Buffy: Xander's turned?
Giles: It gets worse. The bodies were found inside the house, they must have been invited in. Cordelia is a vampire too.
Cut to Xander and Cordelia walking down the street
Cordy: I'm still hungry.
Xander: So we find something to eat. What've we got? Mexican? Thai? Italian?
While Xander is saying this, camera cuts between a Mexican, a Thai and an Italian, all rather sizeable gentlemen.
Cordy: I don't wanna pig out. These pants don't hide a thing.
Xander: You got that right.
Cut to entirely gratuitous shot of Ms Chase's tight round leather-bound bum as she slinks down the street with her sleek feline hips and her... Oh somebody shoot me before I spread like a virus and make others like me.
Xander: I got an idea
Cut to Cordy walking down an alleyway with a skinny pale young man.
Vegan: Being a vegan is such a big part of my life. I'm so glad you agree with me. I don't undertand how people could just take a harmless animal, and kill it for pleasure.
Cordy rolls her eyes at this, then returns to a sincere face
Cordy: I totally agree. I could never eat anything that couldn't beg me not to.
Vegan spins round at this, and looks confused. Xander sneaks up behind him.
Vegan: What did you say?
Xander and Cordy vamp and bite the guy, Cordy from the front, Xander in back. They fondle each other around the poor guy, so he's the jam in their diabolical sandwich. They finish feeding
Cordy: Light and refreshing.
Xander: Diet Bloke.
They drop the vegan, and embrace. Camera draws up to overhead shot as they start kissing, the guy falling dead on the pavement. Camera draws up to rooftops.Five of Mr Trick's vampires are watching them, three carrying crossbows.
Lackey: That him?
Cadre Leader: Yes. We dust them now, and then we go find Rayne
They fire their crossbows. Xander spins around and catches a bolt in either hand, just in front of his heart. The remaining bolt heads straight for Cordy's heart, but she dodges, and it pins her shoulder. Xander coils up like a spring and throws the bolts, staking two vampires. Cordelia merely looks bored and irritated, and in a businesslike fashion breaks off the back of the arrow, reaches round and pulls the front through her shoulder, hardly flinching. She puts her finger through the hole in her jacket, and growls. She and Xander make for a fire ladder on the alleyway. Cut to vamps on roof. Cue music: Chorus of Dies Irae from Verdi's Requiem Mass. The Herbert Von Karajan recording. The top of the fire ladder is jerking around like mad.
Leader: Run!
They turn and leg it, as we hear sounds of someone coming up the ladder at a horrendous rate. Cut to shot of vamps running towards us. In the background we see Xander fly overhead out of shot. Cut to vampires stopping short, as Xander lands and stands up in front of them. Music ends.
Cadre Leader (trying to not look scared bloodless): Okay, here's the deal. Answer one question and we let you live. Where's Ethan Rayne?
Xander ( about as convinced by this as you'd expect): Beats me.
Cordy by this point has reached the roof and grabbed the Leader.
Cordlia: I thought that was my job.
Xander: Only when I've been good.
The other two vamps advance. Xander picks them both up by the thoat and throws them down with evil force on the edge of the roof, breaking their backs. They lie hanging half over the edge. Xander flips their legs up, and watches with satisfaction as they fall to the alley and land in a mangled heap, with further sickly cracking sounds
Xander(looking down at vamps in alley and laughing): They're trying to walk. It's a funny.
Cordelia: Sweetheart, can I play with this nice young man?
Xander: Sure. I'll watch your back.
He slaps Cordy's leather clad arse. Jammy bastard. Okay, point of order: I hate Xander in this script. He gets to be outrageously hard, looks so cool that it's just in pisstake territory, and he gets his manky undeserving hands all over Cordelia. The git. BTW: Cordy gives the vampire a good hiding. She's nothing like as tough as Xander, but still nails, and seriously vicious with it. Cordelia picks on the vamps up by his throat and shoves him up agains the wall.
Xander: Now why would you think I know where Ethan Rayne is?
Cadre Leader: I'm not telling you a damn thing.
Cordy wraps her hand up in her jacket, and takes out her hairbrush. She flicks it to cross mode and shoves it against the vampire's body under his shirt. Screen fades out as we hear the vamp screaming.
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