Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've heard it all before. I don't own anyone, they all belong to other people, well, except the ones you've never heard of before. This story is my version of what happens after Becoming, part 2. It's my first fanfic, so I'd love to hear from you.
Author's note: I use 'Angelus' to refer to Angel without a soul, and 'Angel' to refer to him with a soul.
Screams of the tormented resounded in his ears. He still hadn't the faintest idea of where he was or what had happened. All he could remember was all of a sudden waking up to find Buffy standing over him with a sword. She'd looked so confused, and so beautiful. He'd nearly wept to see the tears in her eyes, and he'd wondered what had happened to put them there. Then there was only pain...and his love's eyes, full of unbearable sadness. A whirl of emptiness, and now he was here. Wherever *here* was.
Then it hit him. The events of the past months; the nightly hunt for innocent blood, the torture he'd inflicted on her, all the horrible things he'd let Angelus do. And his scream joined the others.
* * *
Angel's eyes. Staring into hers. Accusing, full of betrayal. His voice whispering, full of pain. ...
She jumped awake, to find herself on a bus. She was confused for a minute. What was she doing on a bus? And then she remembered. It was not just a nightmare. She had killed the only man she could ever love. She blinked hard against the tears, but they crept out anyway.
She felt a hand on her shoulder, heard a male voice trying to comfort her. "Are you okay, kid?" She looked up to see a young man in the seat beside her. He had short black hair and a narrow face, and for a moment, she thought it might be him, her Angel. But a stray beam of sunlight caught his face, and she saw his brown skin.
"Kid? You looked like you were having one hell of a nightmare."
"Yeah. I-I'm okay. Where am I going?" She had absolutely no clue where this bus was going, she just bought a ticket on the next bus out of Sunnydale, for as far as it would go.
"What do you mean, where are you going? Don't you know? I mean, think about it. You buy a ticket on a bus to New Orleans, you'd think you'd expect to go to New Orleans." He looked at the kid again, saw tears rolling down her cheeks. "Aw, shit kid, I'm sorry, I didn't mean - "
"Not you. I-it's not you." She turned to the window, and spent the rest of the trip just staring listlessly out of it.
* * *
"Damn it, where is my baby?" Joyce Summers was pacing the library, stopping only to yell at a fidgeting Giles.
"I don't know, Mrs. Summers. Don't you think I'd tell you if I knew? I want to find her as much as you do. I'm her *Watcher*."
"And I'm her *mother*! Oh, no, Mr. Giles, you can't want to find her as much as I do. Have you ever had a child, Mr. Giles? Then you can't know what the feeling is to have lost you're baby."
"I'm sure you're right, Mrs. Summers," Giles sighed. "We'll send word immediately if...when we hear from her."
"Eventually, Joyce must have gotten tired, she left as Xander wheeled Willow into the library, followed by Cordelia.
"Any word, Giles?" Willow asked, concern filling her voice.
"Nothing. I've searched my mind, and I can't possibly imagine where she might have gone. We've already checked Angel's apartment, and the police haven't found her, so I'm at a loss."
"Do you think they might have skipped town together?" Cordelia asked.
"No," Giles replied. "She knows her duty better than to go running off with Angel, and even if she would, Angel wouldn't."
"But what if she went alone?" Xander. "I mean, no Angel, just her skipping town. What if there was no Angel to skip town with?"
"That could be, but why?" Giles was confused.
"No Angel to skip town with..." Willow murmured. "But the curse worked! I know it did, I *felt* it." Then a horrible thought crossed her mind. "But...if the curse worked...what if Buffy had to kill him anyway?"
Apparently, the same thought had just occured to Giles, too, he looked slightly sick. "She was ready to kill Angelus. But she was definately not prepared to kill Angel. That kind of trauma could...We've got to find her before she does something stupid."
"Computer," directed Willow, and Xander wheeled her to it. She turned it on, and started it up. "I'll try and find out if anyone's seen her, nationwide search. Giles, where might she have gone? I can think of L.A, but that's a little obvious if she doesn't want to be found."
"I-I don't know, and in that state, I highly doubt the clarity of her thinking. Xander, Cordelia, you go to the bus station, see if anyone saw her, and find out what buses have left in the past thirty-six hours. I'll try the airport."
* * *
She got off the bus in New Orleans, not really noticing her surroundings. Her mind was wrapped in thoughts of grief and guilt. She wandered blindly for most of the day, until she came to the Mississippi River. She sat and stared at its roiling brown waters for hours.
"Oh, Angel, I'm so sorry, you didn't deserve to die..." She rambled on like this for hours, barely aware she was even talking out loud. Finally, she broke down into sobs. She laid down on the bank of the river, sobbing helplessly.
At last, her tears ran dry, her voice was hoarse, and she was all cried out. She looked mournfully at the river. And it would be easy. She could join Angel in Hell...but no...
A sound behind her startled her. A footstep. She glanced up warily, but saw no one.
A hand grabbed her, she heard a snarl, and then she was face to face with an attacking vampire. Her Slayer instincts took over, and let let loose on the poor demon. He was dust before he knew what had happened.
A polite clapping came from the shadows. She whirled, stake in hand, to find herself looking up at Whistler.
"Go away." She turned away, and picked up her bag, tucking the stake into her pocket.
"You'll need someplace to stay. And food. You have no money."
"You have a remarkable talent for stating the obvious," came Buffy's sarcastic reply. "Maybe I don't want to sleep, or eat."
"Maybe you have to."
Buffy turned to face him. "What do you mean, I have to? I don't. You can find yourself another Slayer to play with. I quit. I'm living my own life now."
"And what is your life? Killing yourself slowly? Haven't you learned by now, the world needs you. If -"
"Yeah. Sure. They need me. Just like they needed An -" She took a deep breath. She couldn't say his name, not yet. Maybe not ever. "*Him*," she said instead. "I'm not your puppet anymore. I'm taking my life in my own hands, and I'll do what I like with it."
"You know, the last time you took your life in your own hands, you decided to get cosy with Angel, and started this whole mess. Your life isn't yours. It never has been. It belongs to all those people out there who can't defend themselves from demons and vampires, those you have a sacred duty to protect."
"What kind of protection is a murderer who'd kill the man she loved?" Buffy said, bitterly.
"A person who'd sacrifice everything to save the world? The best protection." Buffy just turned away. "You need a purpose in your life. You walk away right now, you'll kill yourself slowly of guilt -"
"MAYBE I WANT TO DIE!" she yelled. "Maybe the only purpose I have right now is to avenge him, to kill his murderer."
"Is that what you think? You're looking in the wrong place. Angel died over two hundred years ago, and the one who killed him is already dead."
"You know what I meant."
"Metal can't kill a vampire, you should know that. You just sent him to Hell."
"I betrayed him." But a glimmer of hope was in her eyes. "I sent him to suffer eternal torture."
"Just think about it, kid. Don't do anything stupid." And with that, Whistler disappeared back into the shadows.
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