Willow looked up at Spike, who was intently leaning over the fire, doing his best not to notice her. He looked more gorgeus than ever in the firelight. She couldn't help herself. She loved him. She knew it was wrong, but it wasn't like he was *evil* parsay. And he was nice to *her*. And he *couldn't* kill people. And she lied to herself. She always lied to herself. She knew it. But it made it so much easier to love Spike and not feel rotten. And she knew she over reacted with Xander and Buffy, but it made it feel better that she felt bad.
"Willow..." Spike sighed.
"Yeah?" Willow asked, a little more old Willow than she would have liked it to sound.
"Luv, something is wrong."
"Huh? Yeah, something is wrong. We're in the Middle Ages and really hungry, so get cooking George Foreman!"
"That's not what I meant. I meant with you."
"Me? No. I'm fine. Sort of..."
"Come off it, luv. I can tell. What's wrong?"
Spike stood up and took Willow's hands in his own. He stared into her eyes and Willow found freedom she found no where else in those eyes. Freedom from rules. Freedom from being Willow.
"You. I mean, us. I mean... I don't know what I mean, but this... I can feel it in my heart. I can feel *you* in my heart. But I can't feel it in my head... I can't feel rightness in my head."
"And does love have rightness?"
"I had righness with Oz... and Tara..."
"Yeah, well, I'm not a dog and chit, so maybe that's why. I'm also not as innocent as you would like, but I can be. I can be anything you want, Willow."
"Spike..."
"Shh... Don't talk. Kiss me and tell me you can't feel something. Something click inside that head of yours."
"No. No kissing, Spike. No kissing. Listen. I have to think about this, alright?"
"Think! Think! I love you, Willow! My heart beats for you! You can't think about love! You can't decide that you're in it or not! You just... are."
"Spike..."
"No. Go. I think you're right. Thinking is good. Like why I ever thought a girl who feel for a chit would ever love me. Like a girl like you, so sweet, so right, would ever let this be what I want it to. Yeah... Think it over."
Spike roughly grabbed Willow by the shoulders and threw her out the door.
"Spike! Spike!" Willow called. "Spike! I love you! I do! Let me in! Let me talk to you!" Willow pounded her fists against the door like a child throwing a temper tantruam. She knew Xander and Buffy were staring at her, but she couldn't think about that crap right now. Spike had just dumped her. Or was seriously debating about doing so. And she had never really gone on a *date* with him yet.
"Spike! I need to talk to you!" Tears didn't come. But she wanted them to. That would help her case. That would make it all work out. Tears helped every relationship. Like Oz. He had come back because of all those tears. Yeah, and Tara would forgive her one day because of tears. And Spike and his heart would love her and let her in with tears. But the tears had a mind of their own.
"I've heard enough, luv. I don't need you to stomp on my heart, okay?"
"Wait, no heart stomping. No breaking either. Let me in, baby. Please?"
"No. I need time, Red. Like my whole immortal life."
****
Xander stared at Buffy and her shocked and apalled expression. "Buffy... look..."
"No, Xander, no. I get it. I get it all to much. I see you never really got over me, right?"
"No, Buffy! No! It's not like that. I didn't mean anything like that. My head... too much going on in it, you see. Far too much. And you... You promised a head cleaning. Head is cleaned and Xander is stupid and Xander will never do it again and Xander is sorry and Xander sees Willow and Xander is so sorry, but Xander must leave, not that he is trying to bail... Bye."
Xander approached Willow. It was a welcome disaster to the disaster he had put himself in. "Will, what's up?"
"Spike..."
"I see. Willow, are you sure you want to get in this?"
"Xander, I don't want to hear it. I can see you like to judge me wrongly and I don't want it, okay? I know you think it's wrong, but you have no idea!"
"Will, no judging. No judging. I just wanted to make sure you know what you're doing. I mean, I love Spike. Wait... okay that came out wrong, but I mean, the man comes through sometimes... Will, it's Spike. He tried to kill you... and me. And I don't think you really get it."
"I get it. Judgement. I can't help my heart, Xander. And I don't want love lessons from you. I mean, I saw... Just now. SPIKE!"
"You saw?"
"Yeah. Save it. Does this door have a lock?"
"No..."
"Color me stupid."
Willow wrenched open the door to find Spike loading out a slab of beef, his hand slightly with the burning.
"Willow, get out of here."
"Spike..."
Xander closed the door and returned to his own drama.
"Xander. I don't want to loose you. And you are my frined. *Only* my friend."
"Believe me, Buff. I know. I know. I didn't mean to do what I did. I didn't mean to imply that that was what I wanted."
"Okay, it never happened. Right?"
"Uh-huh."
"You wanna help Spike and Willow?"
"Yes! Yes, I wanna help Spike and Willow!"
****
Spike never looked up at Willow. He was far too hurt. And he was not ready for more heartache. He was not prepared for more pain and he hated more than anything to be hurt. Pain was what he liked to inflict on other people, not vis versa.
"Spike, you fart, look at me! Just look at me."
Spike refused. He just popped out another slab, this time being smart enough to use a poker resting against the brick of Xander's fireplace.
"Spike. I figured something out. Love isn't about thought. It's about love. It's about breaking new ground. It's about something above the two of us and if that something above gives me all these snuggly warm feelings... I better use them."
Spike looked up at the red head with new light. He didn't speak, he didn't do anything but stare into her eyes, feeling like he knew all the answers in the world. Feeling like he was the luckiest man in the world. Feeling like words were useless.
He stood on unsteady feet and touched Willow's nose with his own. Wrapped his finger's in her own, felt his heart beat against her own. He skimmed his lips on hers, and then decided to take the kiss a little farther.
Just then, Xander and Buffy burst in. Willow quickly withdrew her lips from Spike's. She opened up her fingers and let Spike's slide out.
"I have a concept for you two. It's called putting a fist against the door to alert residents that a bunch of puffters are gonna walk in on you!" Spike yelled.
"I'm not a puffter and we didn't think Willow was that stupid!" Buffy defeneded.
"Buffy! How could you say that?"
"Will... I didn't mean..."
"Yeah, I'm sure. Willow, let's go." Spike grabbed Willow's hand and steered her out of the room.
"Wait, where are we going?" Willow asked.
"To get some money."
****
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