Disclaimer: it's in the prologue, mail me!
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Part One
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(Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully are already there. Scully has a camera, a syringe and a pair of gloves. Mulder’s reading out of a guide book and Scully’s looking around.)
M: Hey Scully, it says here that vampires hate garlic, the sun, stakes and holy things.
S: So?
M: Let’s go hide in a church.
S: Mulllllderrrrr!
(Just then, they hear a rumble in the bushes and out walk W, Band G. C and X follow a minute later looking a bit rough.)
M: Freeze! I gotta gun!
S: Who are you?
B: Um, we’re tourists.
W: Yeah, from, from the former East Germany.
G: Ja, vee came to see dar sights und got jet laag.
X: Ja! Vee came to see de American heinies!
C: *knees Xander in the nuts* Shizen kaupth.
M: No you’re not! You’re Buffy Summers and you kill vampires! We gotta file on you!
B: And you’re Mulder and Scully and you’re on a case.
W: Wow, cool. Really scary people in Sunnydale.
C: Like vamps aren’t scary enough?
W: Well, scary mortals in Sunnydale.
S: That’s us.
(Just then, a man dressed all in black jumps out and grabs Giles. He hides behind him and we’re surprised to see that it’s Angel, and boy does he look frightened.)
A: Buffy!
B: Angel!
G: Glark!
(Quark from Star Trek enters.)
Q: Someone call me?
G: No, no, I said ‘glark’, a surprised exclamation.
Q: Ok then, Mr. Scot, energise!
(Quark disappears.)
C, W, X: Angel?
M, S: Who?
B: It’s Angel, a nice vampire who tried to kill himself! Do you have any idea how mad I am?
A: Yeah, but I’m sorry.
(She looks at him and turns to water-who wouldn’t?- and decides to forgive him. They run into each others arms blah, blah, blah.)
M: Who’s he?
X: A 242 year old vamp who go this soul back 80 years ago, got good, came to Sunnydale, met Buffy, lost his soul, got sent to Hell, came back, tried to kill himself.
W: What Xander’s trying to say is that Angel and Buffy are an item, kinda.
C: Yeah, when they slept... *elbowed in the ribs by Xander* OW!
(M, S look confused, and so they should.)
M: All we wanted was a vampire...Scully, get the needle.
(Scully gets the needle and sneaks up on Angel who is still engrossed in Buffy and vice versa. She sticks the needle in his ass and Angel screams in agony. Buffy thinks he’s experiencing another moment of true happiness and is losing his soul. He falls to his knees and when he looks up, he’s in full vamp mode so Buffy promptly breaks his nose.)
B: I don’t believe you lost you soul again! I mean, control yourself man!
G: Buffy?
B: *paying Giles no heed* I’m gonna kill you! Maybe.
G, W: Buffy...
B: Take that, and this! *crunch of bone*.
A: Ow! Buffy! OW! It’s me!
All: BUFFY!
B: What?
S: He didn’t lose his soul I poked him in the ass.
(Buffy stands still for a moment and then breaks Scully’s nose `;^) )
S: Blaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh! (Or some other such noise of extreme pain.)
M: Scully!
(Buffy runs over to Angel to kiss him better while Mulder comforts Scully. The rest stand around doing nothing.)
B: I’m so sorry Angel, did I hurt you?
A: Oh say does that star spangled banner la la la tra la...
X: He’s fine.
G: I say we get out of here.
A: O Canada we stand en gaurde for thee!
W: *ignoring Angel* Yeah, before some vampires arrive.
A: Let ‘em all go to Hell, let ‘em all go to Hell...
C: Let’s go, he’s freaking me out!
(They all load into one car for some odd reason and two blocks away from Buffy’s house, they hit a dog.)
M: Oh my God! Omigod, omigod! Whadda I do? Whadda I do?
A: Sin na Fianna Fàil...
W: That’s Oz!!!
S: You named you dog after your boyfriend?
W: That is my boyfriend!
S: Sure, fine whatever.
A: Atà faoin geal ag Eireann...
X: Shut him up!
C: Hello, we ran over Oz!
G: Oh dear.
M: What am I going to do? *sob*
W: It’s ok, he’s a werewolf. Buffy was meant to lock him up tonight. *pointed look directed at our Slayer*
A: Faoin dar slooooo!!!
B: Angel honey, shut up.
A: Ok. *passes out*
G: We need to get him inside, the sun’s up in five minutes.
M: I killed the doggie! Scully! Help me!
S: Shush Mulder, it’s ok, he’s a werewolf, he’ll be ok.
M: *sob, sniffle* You really think so?
S: Course I do.
(Willow and Cordy run out to Oz who’s starting to change into a human while Xander and Giles help Buffy lift Angel into Buffy’s room where it’s nice and dark. Mulder is still weeping and Scully’s thinking of giving him a sedative. They all go into Buffy’s house and sit on the couches, Scully still holding Mulder. Buffy, meanwhile, tends to Angel.)
X: Well, *from the armchair, under Cordy* all that turned out well.
W: Yeah, you guys get your office and section and porn...
M: IT’S CORN!
C: What’s the deal with it anyway? Corn, porn? Sounds way freaky to me.
M: *huffs*
S: Yeah and I need to, wait a second... Angel needs a wedgie!
G: What?
M: *brightens* Oh yeah, I don’t get my corn...
All: PORN!
M: Videos back if he doesn’t get a wedgie.
X: Oh, let me!
O: Cats, grr ruff ruff!
W: Residual dogginess.
O: *pants*
C: *ignoring Willow and Oz* No Xander! Buffy’ll slay you!
G: As if you care!
C: Hey! Groping’s fun.
X: I do believe that there’s a linen closet in this house.
C: Woo hoo!
(Exit Cordelia and Xander.)
G: Will those two ever stop?
S: Teenage hormones.
W: Speaking of which...
O: Ruff!
W: Walkies boy!
O: Aroooooo hoo!
( Exit Willow and Oz with a small leather lead.)
M: One of us still has to wedgiefie Angel. I want my videos!
G: Well, not me.
S: Why the Hell not?
G: Because I’m a British librarian, stiff upper lip, tennis on the lawn, tea. You know I can’t.
S: Well neither can I.
M: Why?
S: Because, -according to the X-Files game- I weigh a mere ninety pounds.
(Mulder and Giles laugh, they piss themselves laughing.)
M: Hee hee, you mean a _hundred_ and ninety? *sounds of wallops* Off Scully woman! It’s a joke! Ow!
S: If you want forgiveness and the ability to procreate I suggest you wedgiefie Angel!
M: Ok then, but you take the pictures.
S: Deal.
G: Anyone for a spot of tea?
M: Weirdo.
S: *gives Mulder, the look (tm)* Screwdrivers?
M: Hmm, wedgie time.
(Mulder and Scully run upstairs and into the first room they find, the linen closet. Blushing, they finally find Buffy’s room where Buffy and Angel just exchanged vows of eternal love and adoration... but you were downstairs so you’ll have to take my word on it. Mulder and Scully run in.)
B: Hey! Some privacy? I was just about to check Angel’s wound.
S: It’s on his ass.
B: Exactly!
M: Back to the point...
S: Oh yeah. Buffy, go downstairs, Giles is killing Oz.
B: Did he wet the carpet again?
S: Yeah, why not.
B: Ozzzzz! I’m gonna spay you!
O: *Scooby Doo voice* R-uh r-oh.
(Buffy charges off. Scully and Mulder smile evilly and face Angel.)
M: Look! It’s Miss April getting undressed.
A:Sorry, vow of fidelity.
S: A dripping jugular!
A: Blood bank only.
M: My God! It’s Cordy and Xander!
A: *shudder* Don’t wanna see that.
S: *exasperated* It’s Buffy!
A: Where?!!!!
M: Now Scully!
(In a quick move, Mulder grabs the top of Angel’s boxers, Calvins, which were much easier to get at since Buffy had been trying to inspect his wound. He pulls them up and over Angel’s head and backs away as Scully snapped shots. In the meantime, Angel roars and staggers about in pain.)
B: Angel! What have you FBI agents done?
M: I needed my porn...
All: CORN!
M: Oh, yeah, right.
A: Oooohhhhhh! Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh! It hurts! It hurts!
(At this moment, everybody runs in. They stand in the doorway until Giles slams into their backs and sends Willow flying into Buffy who in turn stumbles into Angel and they both fall out the window, into the sun! The killer sun!)
G: Oh my God! What have I done!
X: Yipee! Angel’s dust!
C, W, S, O, G, M: *smack, pook, eldow, knee, thump, wallop and generally injure Xander*
X: Oww!
S: We have to help them!
M: Quickly! There’s no time to waste!
O: Out the window, Giles first!
G: What!?!
(Everyone shoves Giles out the broken window. They all follow and fall on top of two soft, squishy bodies where there should have been one and a pile of ash.)
B: Grrr, get off me!
A: *Growl* Get off!
X: Uggghhh.
W: Sorry.
C: Ow.
G: Somebody call the paramedics.
S: I’m a medical doctor.
M: *groans* Scully, I cracked my coccyx.
S: We’ll have to investigate.
M: To the linen closet!
X: Not if me and Cordy get there first!
(Mulder and Scully race Xander and Cordelia upstairs. The hormone riddled ones win and our favourite FBI agents are forced to take refuge in the boiler room.)
O: Hey, Angel’s alive.
A: I am? I am! Woo hoo!
B: But how? Will, have you been casting any spells?
W: No, uh uh, definatly not.
G: This is amazing!
A: Darn tootin’.
B: But how?
G: It must have been the wedgie.
O: Wow, so to turn all the vamps back, we just need to wedgiefie them!
W: Oz, grab some gloves, we’re going to save the world!
O: Woo hoo!
G: *holds a finger up valiently* I must look this up in some smelly, dirty, musty book like I always do.
B: Get going!
A: Yay! I’m human, with an unmovable soul!
B: Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
A: I think so, but where are we going to get an anti gravity chamber?
B: Hmm, now there’s an idea.
(Buffy and Angel run inside just as Joyce pulls up. She walks in and sees Willow and Oz making out in the kitchen, world saving can wait. Xander and Cordelia are still in the linen closet and have no intention of leaving it. Mulder and Scully have moved into the living room and Buffy and Angel are no where to be seen. Just then, the door bell rings.)
*bring! or bing bong, go with your own instincts*
(Joyce opens the door to see Han Solo, Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca).
J: May I help?
L.S: What planet are we on?
J: Earth.
H.S: Earth! Man, what a shithole.
P.L: I am the Danish headed one, please, may we make a phone call?
J: Of course. *confused, who wouldn’t be?*
(They all troop in except Chewie because he’s too tall to fit in through the earth doors.)
L.S: *to the receiver* R2D2, you garbage can on wheels! You sent us to Earth! Find the shiney one and collect us. What? Where are we? One second. Um, Ma’am, where are we?
J: Sunnydale, California, USA.
L.S: Thanks, we’re in California R2, near LA. Collect us at the Hollywood sign. Ok... tell Yoda I miss him too... no, we don’t need any more light sabres. Eddie Van Blunhdt, who’s he? Copyright infringement? This means war! *slams down the phone*
P.L: What is it Luke?
L.S: Copyright infringement!
H.S: *giving the eyes to Leia and Joyce* Let’s go!
Chewie: B’ bye.
J: Nice meeting you all! See you soon Han!
(the Star Wars crew run out in a rush.)
J: Ok, now to deal with the current situation. Why are there two strange people in my living room and why is one of them shirtless?
S: I’m checking Mulder’s wounds. I’m a doctor.
M: It’s to do with Slayer stuff.
J: Oh, ‘nuff said. Now, Willow and Oz, not now, it’s scary.
W: Um, sure Mrs Summers.
O: Opps, sorry.
J: Now, there’s alot of noise coming from my linen closet, who’s up there?
O: Sabrina the teenage witch.
J: Xander, Cordelia! Don’t mess up my towels!
X, C: We won’t.
J: And now to deal with that daughter of mine. Buffy Anne Summers! Where are you?
(Up in Buffy’s room, she shoves Angel under her bed.)
B: I’m in my room.
J: *joking* Hide any men, I’m coming up!
B: *quietly* Done.
(Enter Joyce)
J: Well I was wrong. I thought I heard Angel up here. I guess my daughter’s chastity hasn’t been compromised.
B: *laughs*
A: *laughs from under the bed*
J: *Sits on the bed, squashing Angel*
A: Arrggh!
J: Angel! Get out!
B: *acts surprised* Angel! How did you get there?
J: Buffy, you are grounded for a month!
B: Nooooo!
A: Nooooo!
J: Yeeeeees! I’m not having you hiding vampires in your bed room!
B: But he isn’t a vampire anymore.
A: Yeah, Mulder gave me a wedgie and turned me human.
B: Yup!
J: All the more reason for me to seperate you two!
B: No! I’ll slay you!
A: I’ll get Spike and Drusilla!
J: I don’t care!
( Willow, Oz, Xander, Cordelia, Giles, Mulder and Scully are noticed to have been listening for a while.)
W: I’ll re-assemble Ted!
X: I’ll develop a crush!
C: My dad’ll sue you!
O: I’ll write songs with mean undertones directed at you!
G: I’ll command Beelzebub into you!
M: I’ll arrest you!
S: I’ll do unnecessary exploratory brain surgery!
A: I’ll bite!
B: Angel and me’ll elope!
A: *quietly* I thought we were anyway.
B: *winks at Angel*
J: Ok, Ok! Buffy’s not grounded. But I’m not happy!
B: Woo hoo!
A: Ditto!
X: Let’s get pizza!
O: Yeah!
(Willow flicks on the radio and everyone rocks to Robbie William’s ‘Old Before I Die’, The Cure and Spider Baby.)
< I hope I’m old, before I die, I hope I live, to relive the days gone by, I hope I’m old, before I die, Well tonight I’m gonna live for today so come along for the ride! I hope I’m old before I die. br />
I hope I’m old, before I die, I hope I live to see the day the Pope gets high, I hope I’m old before I die, Well tonight I’m gonna live for today so come along for the ride! I hope I’m old before I die! >>
( They all rock the night away, and a couple of days afterwards. Many conflicts are resolved, many are left unfixed. We now leave Sunnydale and its population of vamps, Slayers and Slayerettes for cooler climes, Washington DC, Mulder and Scully's office.)
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