"If I should die before I wake" - Part 1
by
Gaius Petronius
DISCLAIMER:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on
the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox
and Mutant Enemy, Inc. I only borrow them, mess with their heads,
make them cry and, every once in a while, torture them. I do lay
claim to the character of Johannes Martel since he is the central
character in an original novel I've been working on now for too
many years.
Spoilers: BtVS season two. Originally written in script format
during the spring of 1998, "If I should die before I wake"
is the sequel to my first Buffy novel, "Carpe Diem."
Rating: PG-13 for violence and language.
"If I Should Die Before I Wake"
Part 1
by Gaius Petronius
* * * * * * * *
"But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused
Between the dead and the sleeping
And the road that I must choose."
The Moody Blues, "Question," 1970
* * * * * * * *
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Anonymous child's prayer
* * * * * * * *
Chapter 1 - A Light in the Darkness
Three weeks could be like three seconds. Or they could become
the endless roll of minutes, hours and days in a seemingly random
and meaningless progression of fragments in time. At least that's
what it seemed like to Willow as should stood every morning before
class on the concrete steps of Sunnydale High.
For the last three weeks now, Willow had waited faithfully
for the rest of the Scooby Gang amidst the crowds of Sunnydale
students on the steps. The Scoobies used to congregate there,
gather in a tightly knit group and plot out their strategies.
First it was for the daytime activities, floundering with relationships,
salvaging Buffy and Xander from failing history, Algebra or whatever
and generally doing battle with the educational system of southern
California.
Then for the upcoming evening, the strategies shifted to research
for Giles in the library, activating the "phone pool"
if things looked like they could get "wiggy," patrolling
the cemetery between pit stops at the Bronze but mostly battling
to keep the undead hoards of the Sunnydale Hellmouth at bay. "Same
ol' same ol'."
But no longer. Three weeks ago it had all changed. Xander,
who had never been known for his punctuality, now rarely made
it to his desk in the back row of first period Algebra I before
the bell rang. Willow was used to his repeated excuse of wiping
out on his skateboard on the way in. She would just shake her
head and sigh.
Without Xander lingering on the steps in the morning, Cordelia
would slip right by, not even taking the time to toss off a mean
spirited fashion statement at Willow. It was curious, too, she
noted, that Xander and the head cheerleader spent less time out
of sight in the nearest broom closet and were more often seen
just sitting together talking. Talking! That was not a good sign.
Willow shook her head again.
Oz had an excuse. Dingoes were now regulars at the Bronze and
the last set finished up just after 1 a.m. Never a morning person
anyway, Oz had deliberately scheduled a first period study hall
before he had met Willow. For her he made the effort to arrive
for the morning Scooby meetings on the steps, but in the last
three weeks, Willow had rarely run into him each day before lunch.
Then there was Buffy herself. Usually the first to arrive after
Willow, the Slayer had used those moments to share secrets with
her "best bud" before classes under the California morning
sunshine. Buffy had even dubbed Willow the "first Slayerette"
although that could be due more to Willow tutoring Buffy through
US history than anything to do with Willow's ability or lack thereof
at Slayer type things.
In less than two years, Buffy and Willow had become close,
closer in many ways even than Willow and Xander although Xander
still ranked pretty high up there. He was, after all, the one
who used to put salamanders down Willow's shirt when they were
kids just to make her scream. He also got his first detention
in kindergarten for punching Jimmy Gulano who teased Willow about
her red hair and made her cry. No, Xander was still important,
even though he now hung out with Cordelia Chase.
But Buffy and Willow, that was something different. These were
real secrets, feelings, stuff about Angel and how Buffy was coping
with his transformation into Angelus. And then there was also
Buffy's relationship with Johannes Martel, or Jonathan as Buffy
had renamed him.
Jonathan was a teenager from four hundred years ago and a telekinetic
who could move physical objects by just thinking about them. Willow
had accidentally reanimated him from a set of spell books that
Giles had stumbled onto. Still struggling with what he was and
how to control his powers, Jonathan was a natural addition to
the Scooby Gang. Maybe it was when he de-pantsed Principal Snyder
in the hallway with his telekinetic powers that everyone knew,
but for Buffy it had been even earlier.
The Slayer was immediately attracted to his self confident
if confused manner. The fact that he was tall and cute helped
as well. He just had to lose the weird clothes. With a smile,
Willow remembered the first morning on this very spot where the
Scoobies had tried to sneak Jonathan into Sunnydale High.
"Now listen up," Buffy had grinned and slapped Johannes
on the shoulder, "We gotta get all the stories straight here
'cause that Snyder is a vulture, and we have to be ready for him!"
Johannes Martel, wide eyed and wondering what kind of entity
the despicable "Snyder" was, nodded eagerly.
"Your name is gonna be 'Jonathan,'" Buffy declared.
"That's what Telemon calls me," Johannes said trying
to be helpful, "He's from Scotland and taught me English."
"Sshh!" Buffy ordered, "Don't confuse things,
just listen. Your name is Jonathan. You're my cousin."
The newly christened Jonathan nodded again.
"You're a foreign exchange student," Buffy continued
methodically, "And you're from . . ." she suddenly paused,
not
able to think of a location.
"Where are you from?" she asked.
"The Holy Roman Empire?" he answered in confusion.
"NO!" Buffy snapped, "That won't cut it!"
"Vienna?" Jonathan tried again, trying to please.
"Better!" Buffy exclaimed, "We'll use that.
Now stick close, keep your mouth shut and DON'T do anything weird!"
Buffy spun about and glared at Willow and Xander.
"No laughing!" she demanded, "This is going
to be hard enough!"
Willow hung her head as she recalled that bright morning. It
had all happened so quickly, Buffy and Jonathan realizing their
powers made them share a calling neither had any control over,
much less even a choice. Both wanted desperately just to be normal,
and both knew they were condemned to what would likely be a short,
violent life.
Faced with the premonition that Jonathan was already doomed,
Buffy and Jonathan both rebelled against the inevitable, seized
the day as Buffy noted flippantly from a T-shirt, and fell in
love.
"Carpe Diem and all that," she told him. "Maybe
only an hour or a week . . . maybe a month . . . might be a year.
But stay with me."
Willow shuddered, despite the warm rays of the sun. It was
just too painful to think about anymore. All she could remember
was that awful moment three weeks ago when Jonathan had died in
Buffy's arms. Willow couldn't rid her mind of the image, in the
last seconds, of his body turning to dust. And Buffy standing
frozen in the basement of the old warehouse, where moments before
she had held him close, now silent, alone, the horror of the event
seared into her soul.
Willow closed her eyes momentarily and recouped her thoughts.
It had been Drusilla, no question there. She had orchestrated
the plot to destroy Jonathan. Miss Bug Eyed Looney Tunes, with
the help of Spike . . . and Angelus. Willow had hoped for revenge,
dreamed of it. Once Buffy overcame her anguish at losing Jonathan,
the Slayer was sure to come roaring back, hunt down the vampires
and finally rid Sunnydale of its most obnoxious denizens of the
dark.
Revenge, that would be sweet. Willow even hoped that Buffy
would finally put to rest her confusion regarding her feelings
for Angel and bring the reign of Angelus to an end. Buffy owed
all the Scoobies that much, to Giles and Ms. Calendar . . . and
especially to the soul of Johannes Martel.
But here it was three weeks later and Buffy was nowhere to
be found. Well not exactly. She was in school everyday, but she
never showed up in the morning anymore on the front steps of Sunnydale
High. Her meetings with the other Scoobies in the hallways between
classes were brief and without comment and her appearances at
afternoon training and evening strategy meetings with Giles in
the library only sporadic.
But still Willow waited faithfully on the front steps of Sunnydale
High. It just couldn't be over, she told herself. She wouldn't
let it be. It was not going to end here, not this way. They weren't
going to win. She wasn't going to let the bastards win. Willow
gritted her teeth, put on the appearance that Xander had respectfully
observed as "Willow Tough" and paraded up the front
steps to the entrance of Sunnydale High.
Today would be different she promised herself.
* * * * * * * *
So much for promises, Willow thought as she sat in the library
that same evening with Giles and Cordelia. As usual, they were
all waiting. Willow kept fiddling with her computer keyboard.
In disgust she hit the return key over and over, moving aimlessly
from link to link on the internet. Once in a while the randomly
selected contents of the screen caught her attention and made
her gasp.
"Oops!" she said innocently as she closed the offending
window but not before she quickly stole a glance at what was on
the screen so as not to miss anything "important."
Cordelia, who was seated with her arms crossed in total boredom
and staring at the ceiling, glanced over at Willow.
" . . . one of Xander's porn sites . . ." Willow
replied apologetically to the silent question voiced by Cordelia's
raised eyebrows. Cordelia just huffed while Giles toyed absent
mindedly with a book and his ever present glasses. His fussing
with his handkerchief and the offending lenses reminded Willow
of a neurotic cat that incessantly cleaned itself until much of
its fur was licked off leaving only patches of raw skin.
"Giles . . ." Willow said, hoping to spur the distracted
librarian into some kind of action.
Before Giles could answer, Xander barged through the doors
into the library.
"Sorry I'm late guys," he announced to no one in
particular, "But you know my hectic and demanding lifestyle."
"What, locked yourself in the bathroom stall again?"
Cordelia said, her voice laced with ice.
Xander made a face at Cordelia.
"Wow, real mature," Willow joined in. She was surprised
to find herself siding with Cordelia verbally beating up on Xander,
but his flippant attitude this evening really annoyed her.
Xander ignored the insults as he glanced around the room.
"Where's Buffy? Aw, man! She's not here?"
"Giles, this is like the third time this week she hasn't
shown," Willow said insistently. "I'm getting really
worried. She dodges us in classes during the day. Hardly ever
shows up at the Bronze. This is not like Buffy."
"I know," Giles sighed finally having to come to
terms with the changes in his Slayer's personality and habits.
"We're just lucky it's been quiet these last few weeks since
Jonathan . . ."
Giles trailed off, not finishing the sentence, but it was too
late. Everyone in the library understood his meaning.
"Well, do we send out the search parties?" Xander
suggested after a long silence.
"Once more, into the breach . . ." Giles recited
shaking his head.
"Then it's you and me big guy," Xander agreed. "Where
first? Her usual favorite hangouts? Cemetery, the mall, funeral
home, the Bronze?"
"Buffy is predictable that way," Giles replied, his
voice weighed down with resignation. "We'll get together
first thing tomorrow morning," he said to Cordelia and Willow.
Xander paraded over to Giles' weapons cabinet. This evening
it was unlocked. Giles knew before anyone arrived that the contents
would be needed. Xander pulled open the heavy wooden door and
withdrew an ax and a plain saber.
"Here's yours," he said calmly as he tossed the saber
to Giles. The librarian deftly caught the weapon without missing
a beat.
"Me, I like blunt trauma," Xander remarked as he
hefted the ax.
"We better get started. Tempus fugit," Giles said.
"Whatever," Xander replied, puzzled by the Latin
quote, "Hey Giles, that sounds dirty. If I said that, do
think it would impress girls?"
Giles and Xander turned to leave. As they passed through the
library doors, the Watcher cast a glance over his shoulder back
at Willow and Cordelia.
"Right," Willow answered without enthusiasm, "We'll
take the mall and the Bronze."
Cordelia glared at Willow. The head cheerleader fumed inside
at the damage to her reputation if she were seen driving her red
convertible with Willow as a passenger.
Before Cordelia could utter the cutting remark her brain was
formulating, Willow glared back. She didn't have the time or patience
for "pom pom nonsense" right now.
"Deal with it!" she snapped and marched out of the
library.
Alone momentarily, Cordelia finally huffed again and, muttering
under her breath, followed Willow out to the parking lot.
* * * * * * *
Buffy moved from stone to stone in the darkness of the cemetery.
Although she knew the path well enough, having patrolled it hundreds
of times since her arrival in Sunnydale almost two years ago,
tonight the Slayer lacked her usual self confidence and bravado.
Her steps were tentative as she searched for signs of the undead.
She jumped at errant sounds and spun around in a full defensive
posture at simple tree shadows. As she had every night for the
last three weeks, Buffy imagined all around her the stone carvings
were leering and laughing at her as if she were waging an empty
crusade to hold back the inevitable powers of death.
She wanted to challenge their arrogance, scream, even punch
out every one of the them. They were mocking her, and the stones
of the dead shouldn't laugh at a slayer. Vampires were okay since
Mr. Pointy was always ready in answer but these unmoving, unfeeling,
untouchable monstrosities, they tormented her without mercy, just
as if they were Death itself.
"He's ours now," they whispered with the shifting
breeze.
"NO!" she shouted back defiantly to the empty darkness,
"I won't let you have him!"
A twig snapped. Buffy almost leaped out of her skin as she
spun in the direction of the sound. The night paused until Giles,
saber firmly in hand, stepped out from behind a tall monument
right behind her. Instinctively, Buffy swung at the sound of his
footsteps, nearly planting a blow to her Watcher's face. At the
last second, Buffy held back when she recognized the distinctive
tweed jacket in the dim light of the cemetery.
"Giles, you've got to stop doing that!" Buffy squalled,
"One of these days I'm gonna brain you!"
"Buffy, sneaking out without telling your Watcher is a
violation of all our agreed upon rules for your safety,"
Giles lectured.
"Giles! Patrol! DUH! It's what slayers do!" she snapped
back, "I'm fine. I know what I'm doing!"
"Buffy, you are not fine. You are an emotional mess!"
Giles replied firmly, "I'm not going to mince words here.
Ever since Jonathan died you've lost all your focus, and you've
continually put yourself at needless risk. If it weren't for Xander
keeping an eye on you . . ."
"He's the one that's been following me?" the Slayer
stammered in anger, "Listen, you tell that stalker to stop
spying on me!"
"Why don't you tell him yourself," Xander said coolly
as he stepped out from behind the same stone that had concealed
Giles.
Surprised by Xander's sudden appearance, Buffy' mouth dropped
open. Quickly she regained her composure.
"Guys, just leave me alone, and let me do my job, okay?!"
"No can do, Buff," Xander answered, "This isn't
a solo act anymore. You've gotta let your friends help."
"If you're a friend, you'll stay outta my way!" Buffy
snarled in a tone Xander had never heard her use before with any
of the Scoobies.
As Buffy turned to storm away, she almost stumbled over a modest
gravestone blocking her path. This new frustration became the
focus of all her pent up anger. She wanted to lash out, scream
at the marker, demand that it get out of her way and stop tormenting
her. She'd never let It have Jonathan!
He wasn't Theirs, her mind raged, once more encompassing the
stones all around her. He was hers! She'd protect Jonathan, just
like she promised! Slayers don't break their promises. She hadn't
lost him forever! He wasn't Theirs! She wouldn't let Them have
him! He wasn't Theirs!
A slight breeze blew stirring up the sound of rustling leaves
overhead. Buffy stared at the stone. The brief inscription carved
into its unmoveable granite struck her to the heart. Like the
descent of a soft spring shower, Buffy's anger washed away into
the night and was replaced by an aching sadness that spread across
her face. Giles walked up by her side with Xander close behind.
All three gazed down at the fresh green sod and newly placed stone
of Jenny Calendar.
"Maybe you better call it quits for tonight," Giles
said gently after a moment. The only answer was the rush of the
breeze through the trees.
"Come on Buffy," Xander said in encouragement, "We
still got time to hit the Bronze."
"You know, Giles," Buffy answered after a moment,
as much to the darkness as to her Watcher by her side, ".
. . sometimes . . . when I come through here at night, I stop
and wonder what I'd do . . . if I ran into her."
"You would do what you have to do," Giles answered
calmly.
Buffy turned to face Giles who could now see emotions on her
face that he hadn't seen in people three times her age.
"How do you deal with this losing someone, Giles?"
she said, her voice quivering, "This is my second crash and
burn. You'd think I'd have the hang of it by now."
"Buffy, you've gotta knock off the guilt trip," Xander
spoke up, hoping a little firmness would bring her back to reality.
"It's not guilt, Xander! " the Slayer lashed out,
"It's like such a big empty feeling, but it hurts so bad.
. . . It hurts all the time!"
"I know," Giles nodded slightly.
"When I wake up in the morning," Buffy continued,
"And I sit up in bed, there's a second or two when I feel
great. But then all of a sudden . . . I remember . . . and it
all comes crashing back down and starts all over again. Giles,
is it ever going to go away?"
"It doesn't. No," Giles replied with a sigh.
Buffy gasped and stared at Giles in disbelief.
"You're supposed to lie, Giles," she said slowly.
Giles put his hands on Buffy's shoulders and turned her to
face him.
"Remember what Jonathan said about change," he explained,
"Well, over time, much of the pain fades and is replaced
by memories . . . mostly the good ones. But it takes a long time."
Xander, embarrassed and hurt by the Slayers' outburst, scuffed
his foot on the ground. As Buffy slowly understood what Giles
had just said she walked over and stopped directly in front of
Xander.
"Xander, I'm sorry," she said quietly as she studied
the mark in the dirt where he was scraping his shoe, "You
know, you really should hate me."
Xander looked up hopefully at the Slayer.
"It would make it a lot easier," she said trying
to show the faintest smile that she hoped wouldn't say too much.
"It's cool, Buff," Xander grinned back, perking up,
"It takes more than insults to get rid of me. A punch in
the face, maybe. But I haven't gotten fresh yet, so I think I'm
on safe ground."
"You're a jerk," Buffy smiled.
"Yeah. Don't ya just love it," Xander cracked without
asking for anything in return.
Suddenly, in the distance beyond Jenny Calendar's grave, a
faint white glow shown through the stones and shrubs. Instantly
Buffy saw it and tensed.
"Giles," she said quietly nodding in the direction
of the phenomenon.
"I see it," he answered as all three stared off into
the night.
"I better go check this out," Buffy said firmly.
"Okay, we're right behind you," Xander said, gripping
his ax with both hands.
"No, you guys hang back," Buffy shook her head as
she headed off the path into the depths of the cemetery, "This
one is a solo."
Quickly, Buffy swept away into the night in the direction of
the flickering light. She took a defensive approach, with fists
upraised ready to strike and moving carefully from stone to stone.
They didn't taunt her this time but rather seemed to guide her
in the direction of what she was seeking. As she drew closer,
the light remained faint, never increasing in intensity the nearer
she came to the source.
"You think this is smart?" Xander asked Giles with
just the slightest trace of sarcasm in his question.
Sensing something more than just what they were seeing, Giles
answered as if he were giving his Slayer silent encouragement.
"Smart has nothing to do with it," he said almost
in a whisper.
* * * * * *
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