CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Romeo Montague: Spike
Montague: The Master
Lady Montague: Darla
Benvolio: Clem
Abraham: Willy the Snitch
Balthasar: Holden Webster
Friar Laurence: Wesley
Friar John: Lorne
Juliet Capulet: Buffy
Lord Capulet: Giles
Lady Capulet: Joyce
Tybalt: Xander
Nurse: Willow
Peter: Tara
Random Capulet: Dawn
Random Capulet: Anya
Sampson: Jonathan
Gregory: Andrew
Prince Escalus: The Mayor
Mercutio: Angelus
Paris: Riley
Musicians: Dingoes Ate My Baby
First Citizen: Principal Snyder
ACT I
PROLOGUE
(CORDELIA enters with a book and begins to read aloud, sounding very bored.)
CORDELIA:
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Sunnydale, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
Civil? Give me a break. Not even. I think that's more than enough of big words and the boring crap. All it's saying is that a couple of people who shouldn't be together are gonna be and it won't end well. There's a shocker.
(aside) Not like the real story doesn't have enough melodrama already.
(Exits)
SCENE I. SUNNYDALE. A PUBLIC PLACE AT NIGHT.
(Enter JONATHAN and ANDREW, of the house of the Scooby Gang, loaded down with boxes of stakes and swords.)
JONATHAN
I don't wanna be just lugging weapons around all the time.
ANDREW
Ah, but we are armed. We're Weapons for Good now.
JONATHAN
It's not like we ever get to fight.
ANDREW
But we could! Say maybe we get jumped by Evil in an alley or something. We could dominate them with these weapons and become like heroes.
JONATHAN
Hey, yeah, and I'd strike real quick, before them knew what hit them!
ANDREW
But, um... You're not fast. That'd be hard.
JONATHAN
Yeah, that's true. And honestly, even a dog of the house of the vampires scares me. Wait, do they have real dogs or hell-hounds?
ANDREW
I'm not sure. I'd have to ask my brother.
JONATHAN
Well, even if they have evil pets, I bet could take them.
ANDREW
It's all an epic battle between The Vampyres and us, The Men. Oh, and The Women, 'cause if Buffy heard me leave that out, she'd beat me up.
JONATHAN
Just give me a chance to fight them. And maybe a spell book wouldn't hurt.
ANDREW
Uh-oh. Here come two from the house of The Vampyre!
JONATHAN
I'm ready for 'em.
ANDREW
No, I think we should run away like usual.
JONATHAN
But we have all these weapons. Won't that sort of intimidate them?
ANDREW
Um, yeah. Sure.
JONATHAN
But if anything happens, they will've started it. Because they're bad guys.
ANDREW
Hey! Maybe if we just make faces at them, they'll go away.
JONATHAN
Good idea! I'll stick out my tongue out at them. They hate that.
(Enter WILLY and HOLDEN)
WILLY
Did you stick your tongue out at us, kid?
JONATHAN
I did stick out my tongue out, mister.
WILLY
But are you sticking your tongue out at us?
JONATHAN
(To ANDREW) Will I get in trouble if I say yes?
ANDREW
Um, Maybe?
JONATHAN
Nope, I did not stick out my tongue out at you, but I did stick out my tongue out.
ANDREW
(with bravado) Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Bartender Guy?
WILLY
Problem? No kid, no problem.
JONATHAN
I'm not a kid! Just, um, vertically challenged. And if you do have a problem with it, then say so, because you work for the bad guys, and I'm a good guy, so we're supposed to fight or something.
WILLY
I'm a bad guy this week? Oh yeah. Eh, I guess so.
JONATHAN
So... do we fight now? I'm not sure how this works.
ANDREW
Be afraid, Evil Ones! We have reinforcements on their way! Um, yeah, lots of them!
JONATHAN
Draw, if you really are the big bad guys. (to Andrew) And you better back me up.
(They fight. Badly.)
(Enter CLEM)
CLEM
Guys? Guys! Calm down wouldja? What's going on here?
(Enter XANDER)
XANDER
What going on out here... Oh great. Like I needed more evil messing up my day. What, not enough demons at the bar tonight, Willy? Hanging with a vampire instead? And most fun of all, Clem's out here too. And I'm guessing this is your fault. Just because you're a demon.
CLEM
Xander, hey, I'm just here trying to keep the peace.
XANDER
Peace? Yeah, right. You're forgetting that I hate all demons and all vampires. Which means I hate you by default. Just for being you. Better defend yourself - this could get ugly.
(They fight. Or more like XANDER swings and CLEM dodges.)
(Enter GILES in his pajamas and JOYCE)
GILES
What in heaven is going on out here?
JOYCE
(to GILES) Is this the sort of thing you need a stake for?
GILES
If the Master or other vampires are involved, then yes. A stake would be quite helpful.
(Enter THE MASTER and DARLA)
MASTER
Rupert Giles. Ah, yes. The thorn in my side appears yet again.
DARLA
I think we're about to get some dinner.
(Everyone glares at each other. Enter MAYOR with Attendants)
MAYOR
Citizens of Sunnydale! Let's calm down, shall we? Put your weapons down, please. I have something to say. Now, I now that you all don't get along, and I respect that, but this just isn't orderly. If you can't find a away to be good neighbors, I'm going to have to kill you all. Do we have an understanding? Excellent.
(Exeunt all but MASTER, DARLA, and CLEM)
MASTER
Who started this? Clem, tell me, how did this happen?
CLEM
Well, y'see, some of their people were fighting with some of our people, and then I came by to try to stop it. Then Xander showed up and thought it was all my fault. And then, well, you saw the rest.
DARLA
Was Spike a part of this? Just curious.
CLEM
I saw him earlier, but he didn't look like he wanted company.
MASTER
Is he depressed again? Who broke up with him this time?
(Enter SPIKE)
CLEM
Here he comes - I'll find out what's wrong if you want.
MASTER
Do that, and tell me only if it's not too tiresome of a story.
(Exeunt MASTER and DARLA)
CLEM
Hey Spike. Wanna go rent a movie or something?
SPIKE
The video store's still open?
CLEM
It's only about nine-ish.
SPIKE
Is that it? God, the night's dragging, in'nit?
CLEM
Uh, yeah, I guess... Why's it dragging?
SPIKE
Nothing's making it short is all.
CLEM
You mean... Lemme guess. You're in love.
SPIKE
Out--
CLEM
Of love?
SPIKE
Out of her favor, where I am in love.
CLEM
Love sucks. It seems cool on paper, but it sucks.
SPIKE
Love and hate. S'all the same. What's that in your eyes, mate? You're laughing, are you? Makin' fun of me?
CLEM
No, actually, I'm getting kinda teary for ya.
SPIKE
And why's that?
CLEM
You're such a decent guy - I mean, for being evil and everything. I feel bad that you're so mega-bummed all the time.
SPIKE
Love is sadness and hate and grief. I need a drink.
CLEM
Can I come?
SPIKE
Oh, sorry. Yeah, might as well.
CLEM
So who is it? This love of yours, I mean.
SPIKE
Just saying her name pierces my heart...
CLEM
Say her name anyway. Bet it'll make you feel better....
SPIKE
She is a black beauty, a goddess, the face of my salvation. But she will not have me.
CLEM
By "have you", you mean...
SPIKE
Yeah. Am I not worth throwing aside a pesky vow for?
CLEM
So it's Drusilla, huh? You know what I think? You should forget all about her.
SPIKE
Yeah, right, and I could forget how to think easier than that.
CLEM
There are other demon fish in the sea, really! Maybe even less cuckoo ones.
SPIKE
But she is perfection. How can I move on when her absence tears me apart? I want her to want me.
CLEM
Look, let me help. There's gotta be something going on that'll help to get your mind off of Drusilla.
(Exeunt)
SCENE II. A STREET.
(Enter GILES, RILEY, and DAWN)
GILES
Regretfully, we cannot take action against the Master or the other vampires. Not tonight. The Mayor forbids it.
RILEY
That's too bad, because that Master guy needs a good smackdown. But, anyway, back to the topic of Buffy... What do you think?
GILES
She's still so young...
RILEY
People her age get married all the time. And I'd take care of her.
GILES
I fear that it is too soon for her... But, if you have her love, and I think you may, then I will support you. I am throwing a party tonight, and you should attend. As, if you do marry Buffy, then you will inherit this house, and you should be present at such an occasion.
(To Dawn, giving her a paper)
Dawn, would you deliver these invitations for me?
(Exeunt GILES and RILEY)
DAWN
Yeah, right, like I could read the names on here. You'd think Giles was a doctor or something.
(Enter CLEM and SPIKE)
CLEM
Just find a new girl to go ga-ga over. You'll feel a ton better.
SPIKE
Got a sling on you?
CLEM
Why?
SPIKE
For when I break your arm
CLEM
Spike, are you mad at me?
SPIKE
There are times I think I have gone mad, but no, not at you.
DAWN
(Approaches SPIKE and CLEM) Um, hi. Sorry to bug you, but... could you help me with something? Can either of you read?
SPIKE
Not that it seems to help my life much at all.
DAWN
Huh? Whatever, depresso-guy. Focus on my problem. Can you read what's on this piece of paper.
SPIKE
If it's one of the languages I know, yeah.
DAWN
Oh, thank god. I was going crazy with this list.
SPIKE
Let me look at that.
(SPIKE reads the list)
This is a mess of people. Where are they all going?
DAWN
Ummmmm.... Up.
SPIKE
Where?
DAWN
Okay, I'm not supposed to tell just anyone, but you're cool, so... To supper; to our house.
SPIKE
Whose house?
DAWN
My family's.
SPIKE
Oh, sorry, should've got that sooner.
DAWN
Hey, if you want, and if you're not a vampire or anything, then come up and party with us. See you later!
(Exit)
CLEM
Hey, party at the Summers' house with the Scooby Gang. And your Drusilla is gonna be there too. Which for some reason seems really weird. But anyway, there'll be lots of girls there, and I bet when you compare them to Drusilla, she won't look so perfect anymore.
SPIKE
There is no one as perfectly evil as my Drusilla!
CLEM
Aw, c'mon, you game?
SPIKE
Fine, I'll go. But I won't have a good time.
(Exeunt)
SCENE III. A ROOM IN THE SUMMERS' HOUSE.
(Enter JOYCE and WILLOW)
JOYCE
Willow, where's Buffy? Could you help me find her?
WILLOW
She said she'd be home...
(Enter BUFFY)
BUFFY
Is everything okay?
JOYCE
Willow, will you give us a few minutes?
WILLOW
Sure, not a problem at all! I could give you more than a few minutes, too. Is this one of those big mother-daughter moments? The kind you wish you had a way to record them so you could remember them forever and...
JOYCE
Willow, please!
WILLOW
Sorry. Go ahead.
JOYCE
So, Buffy, have you ever given any thought to getting married?
BUFFY
Um... Not usually.
JOYCE
Well, think about it. Because that nice boy Riley seeks your hand in marriage.
WILLOW
Riley? Really? Wow!
JOYCE
He's quite a catch.
WILLOW
He's a total sweetie!
JOYCE
What do you think of him? I've invited him to the dinner party tonight. Will you give him a chance?
BUFFY
Sure, since you're big with liking him. I don't not like him. He seems nice and dependable.
(Enter DAWN)
DAWN
Mom, help! The guests are starting to get here, and everyone's totally stressing out.
JOYCE
I'm sure it's fine, but I'll follow you down there.
(Exit DAWN)
Buffy, do think about this, would you. I think he would be really good for you.
(Exeunt)
SCENE IV. A STREET.
(Enter SPIKE, ANGELUS, CLEM, all wearing masks.)
SPIKE
We have a plan, then?
CLEM
This'll be like taking Bugles from babies. Nobody'll know who we are. We'll check it out, party and leave.
SPIKE
(Dodging torch that CLEM is waving around) Careful! You're going to set me on fire with that torch. Here, I'll carry it.
ANGELUS
Gotta say that it might be fun to watch you dance if that happens.
SPIKE
Not going to happen.
ANGELUS
C'mon, loverboy. Maybe Dru would pay attention to you if you put on a little show for her.
SPIKE
I notice that I'm not laughing.
ANGELUS
Where's your sense of humor, Spike?
CLEM
We're here, hey, somebody knock so we can boogie.
SPIKE
I don't think this was the best notion.
ANGELUS
What's your problem now?
SPIKE
I had this dream...
ANGELUS
Big whoop. So did I. Have 'em all the time.
SPIKE
What was yours?
ANGELUS
My prophetic dream told me... That dreamers say they dreamed whatever they feel like saying they dreamed.
SPIKE
Bollocks. True dreams don't steer you wrong.
ANGELUS
Unless it's a Mab demon who came to visit. You know the type: sort of small, spiders' legs, grasshopper wings, bone whip, likes to wear worms? Makes you see all sorts of wacko stuff that isn't true.
SPIKE
You're just talking to hear yourself talk again, aren't you?
ANGELUS
Get over it, Spike. It was dream. Unless you've got some link to The Powers we don't know about, it means zilch.
CLEM
Uh, guys? If we keep babbling out here, we're gonna miss dinner.
SPIKE
I have a bad feeling about this. God, that line's never going to be useful again either, is it?
CLEM
Nope. Oh well. Let's party!
(Exeunt)
SCENE V. A HALL IN THE SUMMERS' HOUSE.
(The band waits. Enter DAWN and ANYA)
DAWN
Um, where are the catering people? These dishes out here are disgusting.
ANYA
It's getting pretty rank in here.
DAWN
We have to get this stuff out. More guests are coming in.
ANYA
This isn't fun. I should be having fun at a party. But it's all work, and I'm not getting paid for any of it.
DAWN
I think they were looking for you in the other room, actually.
ANYA
We can't be everywhere! Didn't we hire people to do this tasks?
(Enter GILES, with BUFFY and others of the Scooby Gang, all in masks.)
GILES
Welcome, everyone! Thank you for coming. Please, do eat, drink, and make merry. It is a pleasure to be your host on this night.
(Dingoes Ate My Baby begin first song, crowd begins to boogie)
(SPIKE notices BUFFY nearby with XANDER and stares, then approaches DAWN)
SPIKE
(To Dawn) Thanks for the invite. Now, since I helped you, you better help me. Who's the girl with the guy in the pirate costume over there?
DAWN
(eyeroll) She's in a mask, how should I know?
SPIKE
Even with the mask... she is The One. I can feel it. She is beauty, like a jewel in the night. I am not worthy of a creature such as she. Did I ever love before? Not truly, for now I know true perfection.
XANDER
(overhearing SPIKE from nearby as BUFFY moves away) Wait - that sounds like a vampire. The party-crashing kind. Somebody got a stake handy? He needs to be killed deader than he already is.
GILES
Xander, is everything alright?
XANDER
Nowhere close. Giles, there's a vampire here. And I think it's the one with a peroxide addiction.
GILES
Spike, is it?
XANDER
The one and only, and the constant pain in my ass. That guy bugs me.
GILES
He can't do any harm here. There are plenty of people around. He wouldn't dare.
XANDER
I'm not just gonna stand here while he parties!
GILES
You must, due to the Mayor's decree. In addition, this is my house, and I won't have you spoiling the whole party.
XANDER
Giles, what are you thinking? Not only are you not the watcher of me, but he's a vampire!
GILES
Xander, I have no time for this. No action can be taken. That is the law. If you can't deal with his presence, then you should leave this place immediately.
XANDER
Okay, fine, I'll leave. But I'll be saying "I told you so" in no time.
(Exit)
SPIKE
(approaches BUFFY) Pardon me, but I would be honored to greet you by kissing your hand. It's forward, yeah, since we haven't met really, and I'll understand if you don't think my hand is worthy.
BUFFY
Uh... hi. So, question. Why are you so down on your hand? It looks like a perfectly good hand. And thank you for asking first. And it's not like kissing hands is a bad thing. I mean, pilgrims do that to saints. Which, when you think about it, is kinda weird.
SPIKE
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
BUFFY
What's a palmer? But saints... um... Yes, I guess that's true, but they usually use them for praying.
SPIKE
Then please, let me kiss your hand, as saints do.
BUFFY
But saints don't do much. They're statues. They just stand there in robes that do nothing for their figures.
SPIKE
You don't need to move, luv. I just want to kiss you.
BUFFY
I have to say that I think I'm convinced. And you're not even shirtless. You may kiss me
SPIKE
Don't have to tell me twice. Unless I may kiss you again?
BUFFY
You may. Since you asked so nicely.
WILLOW
I, uh... sorry to interrupt, but your mom's looking for you.
(BUFFY exeunt)
SPIKE
Who's her mother? If you don't mind me asking.
WILLOW
Her mom's name is Joyce. Joyce Summers. She lives here, and she's really neat.
SPIKE
She's a Summers?!? Bloody hell...
CLEM
(Overhearing) Uh, I think we'd better go.
SPIKE
Damn it. This can't be happening.
GILES
Leaving so soon, my unknown guests? Do you not like my party, then? Very well, enjoy your evening.
(Exeunt all but BUFFY and WILLOW)
BUFFY
Willow, c'mere. Who is that guy?
WILLOW
Isn't that Larry?
BUFFY
No, not him. Him!
WILLOW
I think that's Michael.
BUFFY
Not him either. The guy behind him. The one that wouldn't dance?
WILLOW
I'm sure it's nobody you need to know, Buffy.
BUFFY
Does he have a girlfriend?
WILLOW
I don't know. But actually, I think that might be Spike. And he's a vampire! You know, the kind you slay?
BUFFY
He's a WHAT?!? Damn it! My only love sprung from my only hate. What is this, karma?
WILLOW
Huh?
BUFFY
I'm just doomed.
(Someone calls from within 'Buffy!')
WILLOW
Coming! Come on, we've gotta go, and almost everybody's left anyway...
(Exeunt)
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