Chapter Three: Reunion
“Oh God,” Angel breathed, sickened.
“Oh, yeah, me and God were tight,” Buffy turned to him, a wry grin betraying her masked sarcasm.
“Buffy, how can you say things like that?” Angel’s eyes welled up with tears, just thinking of the heavy burden pitched so unfairly onto her slim shoulders. He was never one to use humor as a defense mechanism, mostly because he was terrible at making jokes. But he could clearly see that Buffy was attempting to feign strength. Why would she build up this wall? Doesn’t she know that I am here to listen, to protect her? Then, with a horrifying realization, he knew that the closeness they once shared was gone. This was a conversation between strangers. He could now feel that Buffy was unable to share her pain with him… because she no longer knew who he was.
“Angel,” Buffy began, snapping Angel out of his thoughts. “If I can’t laugh, then this place would be a hell of a lot more… hellish.”
“But you have to grieve!” Angel wanted to shake some sense into her. This was not healthy. The fire that he loved so much about her… the passion for life… was gone.
Buffy’s sardonic expression melted. Her eyes, peering into the distance, looked as if she did not register anything of her surroundings. Angel’s presence was temporarily unnoticed as she drifted into herself. “I have too much to look after. Too much responsibility to my friends and family. Maybe someday I’ll fit grieving into my schedule so I can bitch and moan about my suffering to my little sister who lost two family members in two consecutive years.” She sent a sidelong glance to her former lover, attempting to read his mixed emotions.
The vampire stood up and looked out to the endless blue, small waves now crashing about their feet. Fidgeting, his toes digging into the moist sand, he was the epitome of uncomfortable.
Biting her lip, the Slayer also stood and brushed the sand off of her white peasant dress. Before she could open her mouth, Angel silenced her.
“Don’t.”
Her eyes widened in confusion. “Don’t what?”
Still facing away from her, he chided her gently, “Don’t apologize to me. There’s really no need.”
Fighting the urge to laugh, [I will grieve, damn it! Angel says no laughter allowed!], she tapped him lightly on the shoulder. She gave him an amused close-mouthed smile when he turned to face her. “Just what made you think I was going to apologize, Mr. Egomaniac? I might have been planning to beat the shit out of you!”
Angel laughed, a true, happy laugh; and dealt a bone-crushing hug to the tiny golden-haired woman.
“Okay,” Buffy wheezed in gladness. “I’m happy that we’re having fun, too; but just because you don’t have to breathe doesn’t mean that I don’t have to.”
“Oh.” Angel released her in slight embarrassment, his trademark half-smile lighting up his face. Becoming serious once more, he looked deeply into her hazel eyes. “Have you told the others?”
All traces of mirth gone, Buffy smiled sadly at Angel. “Look, they think they did a wonderful thing. Everyone was all laughy and huggy… I just… I’ve caused enough pain, what with me dying and all. I don’t need to ruin this for them, you know?”
Stuffing his hands deep into his pockets, Angel
nodded knowingly, scanning the surf. “You don’t think that it would make you feel better?” he murmured, not making eye contact.
“I’m not worried about me right now,” Buffy stated matter-of-factly. “That’s what you’re here for.” She punched him playfully on the shoulder.
“You’re not wrong,” the vampire drawled. Digging his toes in the sand awkwardly, he looked down at her. “I think about you all the time.”
“Angel…”
Angel silenced his soulmate gently. “The only thing that kept me going… after it happened… was that I knew that I would be with you again someday. When we could truly be together. Curse-free.”
Buffy wiped her eyes. “I’ve missed you,” she said in a hushed voice, fidgeting with her hands. “I don’t know if I can bear it any longer.” Eyes brimming with tears, she leaned into him and rested her head in the crook of his arm.
Angel held her there and looked to the stars, his eyes pleading. “We can’t, Buffy.”
“I know.” she whispered sadly, still crying. “I wish they hadn’t brought me back. Being here… it’s like being in hell.”
Angel pulled away from her so he could look into her eyes. He held her at arms length and said firmly, “Don’t wish you hadn’t come back. Don’t you know how important you are to your friends? Your sister?”
Buffy shrugged his comforting hands off of her shoulders, frustrated. “Obviously not important to you.” She glared at his angelic face with silent fury. “You don’t want to be with me. I seem to recall hearing those exact words.”
“Buffy, please… let’s not argue. This was supposed to be…” Angel’s eyes pleaded with the small, strong figure before him.
“Well, tough luck Angel. Life’s a bitch. What’s ‘supposed to be’ never is. You’d think after your bicentennial you would have figured that out. It can’t be easy. When was it ever easy with us? ‘Oh Buffy, we can’t be together because we can’t have sex and that’s the most important thing in a relationship!’” Buffy mimicked him bitterly, turning away from him.
“That’s not fair, Buffy. You know that’s not the way I feel!” His heart broke for her for the hundredth time. Had she thought that that was the reason I left? Angel gripped her shoulder and spun her to face him. “I’m not some horny teenager, Buffy! You are the only woman I have ever loved! I think you’re the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on, but the basis of my love for you isn’t physical. You have the most caring heart… You make me feel like a man.” He couldn’t place his feelings for her into words; he couldn’t do his love for her justice. His heart soared at the simple thought of her… didn’t she know?
A single tear rolled down Buffy’s cheek, and she closed her eyes, broken-hearted. “Then why don’t you want to be with me?” she uttered painfully.
Hushing her, he drew her into a loving embrace, kissing the top of her golden head tenderly. “You deserve so much more than me… I can’t give you what you need. You deserve sunlight. I have nothing to offer but darkness… I can’t bear to think that you would have to settle for this, when you can have so much better.”
“But it’s not just for you to decide!” she breathed into his chest. “I love you more than anything in this world, or the next.” She looked up at him, still locked in his embrace. “I spend all my time at night anyway! I’m not a morning person, I’m grouchy. I love you, Angel, not some made up fantasy normal human guy. You make me happy, and from what you’ve told me, the feeling’s mutual. I’ve known that you were the one for me when I was sixteen years old. This isn’t something I’m going to grow out of. It’s always been you.”
Angel had listened to her speech, mystified. She’s still in love with me. How can we give up on this…?
Tucking his finger under her chin, he drew her face up to his and captured her lips in a heart wrenching kiss. It’s been too long, Angel thought, shivering. His nerves were electrified at the simple touch of her.
Buffy broke the kiss and gazed up at the only man she had ever wanted. “Do you want to go steady?”
Angel grinned, yes, grinned, and captured her in another passionate kiss, swinging her joyfully.
Into his lips, Buffy smiled and commented, “I take that as a yes.”
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