The Wind Beyond the Walls of the
Mind
Chapter 11
Pain Which Cannot Forget
by Gaius Petronius
DISCLAIMER:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all the characters that appear on
the show are the exclusive property of Joss Whedon, the WB, Fox
and Mutant Enemy, Inc. This story can be read on its own or as
a sequel to H. P. Lovecraft's "The Haunter of the Dark"
from which the Ancient Ones, the Shining Trapezohedron and the
character of Robert Blake are derived.
The Wind Beyond the Walls of the Mind is set
roughly in mid-season four shortly following the death of Doyle
but before the creation of Adam and the death of Maggie Walsh.
This section is rated PG-13 for some raunchy
language.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Soldiers and technicians scurried to and fro
in a frenzied buzz of activity on the main floor of the Initiative
Headquarters. The row of operating tables where demons were regularly
experimented on had all been shoved over to the side of the central
staging arena. In their place was set up a command center of long
tables piled high with computer monitors and an array of sensors
and other less identifiable equipment. In the center of the huge
open room by the command center, Maggie Walsh stood surveying
what was clearly her domain. She didn't say a word but only cast
an occasional glare, which seemed to convey her deep displeasure
with the pace of operations, at any passing petrified technician.
Overhead on the catwalk that led to the elevator
entrance, Riley Finn, still clothed in his military camouflage
from last night's patrol, emerged from the security checkpoint.
As he entered, he bumped into his fellow squad sub commander,
Graham who stopped him before he could proceed.
"Heads up, man," Graham whispered,
"Maggie's gunning for ya!"
"What? What the hell did I do now?"
Riley sighed in resignation.
"Seems she didn't take a liking to your
report."
Graham's commander rolled his eyes and sighed
again.
Below on the main floor, Hunter walked cautiously
up to Maggie Walsh's side and waited patiently to be recognized.
She didn't turn to face him, but she knew he was lurking.
"Yes? What is it?" she said curtly.
"Munitions reports they've boosted the
output on the alpha packs as high as they'll safely go. Any setting
above fifteen hundred degrees and the rifles themselves will melt
and explode."
Walsh only nodded in acknowledgement. Considering
himself lucky once more, Hunter turned and disappeared into the
safety of the crowd of Initiative soldiers and technicians.
Professor Walsh stared around her, searching
for someone on whom to vent her frustration at the slowness of
the Initiative preparations. Suddenly, she caught sight of Riley
up on the catwalk.
"Agent Finn!" she barked as heads
turned from all directions to stare up at the catwalk.
Maggie's call caused both Riley and Graham
to look down onto the main level of the Initiative Headquarters.
"Yes Ma'am!" Riley shouted back.
Good luck, man," Graham said giving Riley
a quick pat on the shoulder.
"Thanks," Riley replied.
Riley turned away from Graham and ran along
the catwalk. He double timed it down the spiral stairs and sprinted
across the main floor of the Initiative Headquarters to Maggie
Walsh's side.
"You wanted to see me, Ma'am?"
"Agent Finn," she stated firmly,
"I'm very dissatisfied with your report on last night's encounter."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"Your orders were to engage the entity
. . . to evaluate its offensive and defensive capabilities."
"It was already engaged by the time I
made visual contact."
"So you reported . . . ," Walsh said
slowly, "with the Slayer!"
Riley didn't respond.
"And you claim it only withdrew on the
arrival of several of her friends?" Riley imagined her words
to be as cold as the Minnesota lakes he used to go ice fishing
on as a child.
"Yes, Ma'am," he replied, trying
not to let his mind wander. Surviving an interview, actually interrogation
was more like it, with Professor Walsh required single minded
concentration.
"One of them shined a flashlight at it,"
he volunteered, "It appeared to be sensitive to the light."
Riley sensed he had made a mistake bringing
up that information. He knew it was important and had included
it in his report but he figured Walsh wasn't going to want it
to be emphasized. He wasn't wrong.
"Preposterous!" she snapped, "An
entity with that kind of power! Besides, its own energy bursts
produce visible light! It can't be afraid of its own energy!"
"But only light at the red and infra-red
end of the spectrum," Riley interrupted, realizing at the
same time he was only compounding his mistake, "It could
be sensitive to higher frequencies as you move into yellow, green
and violet. Ordinary white light is a mixture of all frequencies
and . . ."
Walsh turned to Riley and froze him with an
icy glare. Knowing that she was furious, he immediately shut up
so that she could correct him and restore her clamp on authority.
"Your hypothesis is in error, Agent Finn,"
she said with finality.
"Yes Ma'am."
"Did you attempt to follow it after the
encounter?" she continued as if the previous exchange had
never occurred.
"No, Ma'am. I felt it more important to
try to get more information from Buffy."
"Shit!" he thought, "mistake
number two!"
"So, . . . , " Walsh asked, her voice
dripping sarcasm, "You let the entity slip away. And the
information you gained from interviewing the Slayer?"
Riley was silent and hung his head ever so
slightly. Better to surrender now, he figured, rather than let
the interrogation get completely out of control.
"I see . . . I will repeat, Agent Finn!"
she growled, "We must ascertain where this entity goes during
daylight hours. It is concealed somewhere in this area."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"You will double the daylight undercover
reconnaissance patrols," Walsh commanded, "I want to
know where this thing hides during the day! Is that understood?"
"Perfectly, Ma'am," Riley snapped
to attention with the best military crispness he could command.
"Dismissed!"
Riley nodded sharply and walked away as Maggie
Walsh stared after him. She sighed and shook her head. Then for
a few moments, she stood motionless staring straight ahead amidst
the organized chaos of the Initiative. Finally she took a deep
breath and barked out orders to no one in particular.
"Where are those infra-red scans?!"
she yelled at the faceless crowd of Initiative operatives swirling
around her, "I want those 8 a.m. scans, people! . . . NOW!"
* * * * * * * * *
Buffy and Willow sat together on the bench
under the shade of a large tree. It was warm in the late morning
sun on the Quadrangle near the Student Union of UC Sunnydale but
the leaf laden boughs of the old spreading trees provided patches
of cool shade that made them the perfect lounging spot for students
seeking a break from classes. This morning, the Quad was almost
empty with few students passing by.
"So, . . . you and Giles saw Faith? She's
awake?" Willow asked quietly.
"I don't know whether you can call it
awake," Buffy answered slowly as if she were reliving the
incident, "Her eyes are open and she's looking out but .
. . . they're like totally red and all sunken."
"Does she recognize you?"
"Not really," Buffy answered shaking
her head, "There was like a couple of seconds when her mind
sort of . . . kicked in. She said 'Hi, B!', ya know wise ass the
way she is, and then . . .'help' . . . and then it was like she
was swept away."
Buffy shivered as she remembered her powerful
adversary's plaintive cry before Faith's mind slid away into oblivion.
"Maybe if you spent a little time with
her," Willow suggested, "Just sat there and talked quietly,
she might come around."
Buffy looked down at the ground and shook her
head.
"I don't know whether I could go through
that again, Will."
Buffy, . . . you've gotta go back," Willow
answered quietly but firmly, "Whatever's happened, she's
trying to tell you something. Giles said she's dying. Maybe she
knows something about this Nyarlethotep thing. Mr. MacDuffie says
it's trapped in that place between our world and the Void . .
. he calls it the Aether . . . amidst the unconscious . . . and
those who are near death."
Buffy looked back up at Willow. She knew her
friend was right, that she should be spending every minute she
could with Faith. If there was any way that Faith had information
on the entity they were facing, they had to find out what it was.
But she couldn't. How could she explain to
Willow that the very sight of Faith with her blood red eyes and
soulless voice gave her the "wiggins" like she'd never
experienced.
"Willow, it's so weird. I can't look at
her," Buffy struggled to explain, "I mean it's still
Faith and all, her face is the same, her hair's the same but .
. . when I look in those eyes, all red and sunken, . . . it's
like there's nothing there. Nothing looking back at me. It's not
that she's changed but she's not even in there. It's almost like,
she's just a living corpse. I mean she was a bitch and all but
. . . what's happened to her, Will? Where's her soul?"
"I . . . I don't know," Willow said
sadly, shaking her head.
"Besides, why would she want to help us
anyway? Heck she tried to kill every one of us! And then after
what I did to her?"
But Willow wasn't so easily convinced.
"Her spirit did come to you while you
were unconscious," she said earnestly, "She showed you
how to defeat the Mayor."
"I don't know whether that was her . .
." Buffy wondered, "Or just my own mind taking stuff
I already knew . . . and having Faith tell it to me . . . so I
wouldn't feel so guilty."
Buffy could see that Willow wasn't going to
accept that explanation. Her friend was not about to give up.
"Buffy," Willow answered, "You'll
never know if you don't try talking to her. They say when a person's
in a coma, unconscious like that, if they hear someone they know,
it's like that familiar voice is a beacon of light . . . guiding
them back to this world."
Willow always had a way of putting things.
". . . kind a like a lighthouse . . .
" Buffy replied softly looking back up at her friend's face.
Willow grinned and somehow, Buffy felt the
hope radiating from that smile.
"Yeah . . . like the Pharos . . ."
Willow nodded.
Buffy and Willow looked into each other's eyes,
each sharing the deep emotions they had been experiencing over
the past few days. Both smiled sadly understanding the complex
bonds that kept them best friends.
"I . . . I guess you're right," Buffy
said quietly but without any great certainty.
"If Giles and Mr. MacDuffie are correct,"
Willow answered, "That Wall of Darkness is coming real fast.
It'll be here tomorrow night. We've all got to be our own little
beacons of light . . . just like Petronius and Cassandra and all
the soldiers with their torches, so we can hold this thing off
long enough to figure out how to destroy it once and for all."
"We know how it has to be destroyed,"
Buffy said with as much Slayer firmness as she could command.
Right away, Buffy knew Willow wasn't buying it.
"No!" Willow replied sharply, "There's
got to be another way!"
"Yeah, right," Buffy said, sighing
with despair as she turned away from Willow.
That was all Willow was going to take. She
couldn't let her best friend lose hope now just when it was needed
most. She straightened herself up on the bench and scowled with
a look that Xander lovingly referred to as "Willow Tough!"
"NO!" she lectured, "Buffy Summers,
you listen to me! We've all been down this road before, you, me,
Xander, Cordelia, Oz! We've faced up to things we've had no hope
of beating. And we've kicked the shit outta them anyway! The Mayor!
The Master! Acathla! The Judge!"
Buffy looked back up at Willow. Although she
realized and deeply loved what her friend was trying to accomplish,
Buffy also respected Willow far too much not to share with her
the deepest fears she felt rapidly rising to overwhelm her.
"But at what cost?" Buffy whispered.
"I won't argue with you there . . ."
Willow answered without hesitation, understanding the emotions
with which Buffy was struggling, "The things and people we
love the most."
"And why, Will?" Buffy asked as if
she sincerely believed her friend might possibly have the answer.
For a moment, Willow was lost for a response
and fell silent. Then her hazel eyes brightened as her mind began
racing.
"Hang on a sec. I just read this the other
day. I want you to hear something," she said quietly but
with an intensity that drew Buffy's attention.
Willow bent down and rummaged in her book bag
sitting on the ground at her feet. She pulled out a small soft
leather bound volume and rapidly thumbed through the thick yellow
pages.
"Whatcha got? You break into Giles' secret
stash?" Buffy asked, her curiosity aroused.
"Actually, he lent it to me. It's an ancient
Greek playwright named Aescylus. Here, listen."
Willow read slowly and carefully.
"Even in our sleep, pain which cannot
forget
Falls drop by drop upon the heart,
And in our own despair, against our will,
Comes Wisdom to us . . . by the awful grace of God."
Buffy scratched her head and frowned.
"Hhmm. If that's true," she said,
"Then that makes us the smartest ass people in Sunnydale."
"Not smart, Buffy," Willow protested
as she realized the Slayer didn't understand, "Something
else real different and a lot more important."
"What good does it do ya if you're dead?"
Buffy answered with a finality that struck Willow straight to
the heart.
"You're not gonna die!" she said
firmly, "We're going to find a way to destroy this thing!
And if we can't, and you have to go through into the Void, then
we're going to get you back out. . . alive!"
Buffy stared at Willow. Her friend's confident
declaration somehow, in spite of all the gloom and doom she had
heard from Giles and MacDuffie, still gave Buffy hope and indeed
a surge of strength that the Slayer had felt rapidly draining
away over the last several days.
"Will, . . . " Buffy answered with
a tone to her voice that sounded like she was holding out her
heart in her hands and passing it to her friend, "Sometimes
. . . I wonder what my life would've been like . . . if I'd never
met you. If that first day I came to Sunnydale, we'd just passed
by in the hall and never spoke."
Sensing what was coming, Willow tried to pull
a page from Xander's book and lightly brush off Buffy's confession.
"Hey, you wouldn't have passed history
in a million years without me," she said grinning, "I
saved you from wearing that really stupid dress to the junior
mixer. I showed Angel how to do his hair all spiky funny . . ."
Buffy suddenly leaned forward and wrapped her
arms around Willow. Surprised, Willow was about to protest but
she immediately understood what Buffy was trying to tell her.
Silently, Buffy held her friend tightly.
"I don't think I'd be alive today . .
. thanks, Will," she finally whispered.
For a moment they remained in each others embrace.
Then Willow pulled back and grinned her trademark smile.
"Me neither," she answered sincerely.
From the far end of the quadrangle, Riley strode
into view. He was walking fast and looking around in all directions
for Buffy. Staring over Buffy's shoulder, Willow quickly spotted
his approach.
"Uh oh. Beep! Beep! Boyfriend alert!"
"Oh no! I don't know if I want to see
him now, Will!" Buffy groaned as she glanced over her shoulder
in the direction Willow was staring, "He'll know something's
wrong. What am I gonna tell him?"
At the same time, Riley caught sight of Willow
and Buffy on the bench in the shade. Eagerly, he broke into a
run.
"Well . . ." Willow said shrugging
her shoulders, "The truth might be good?"
"But he'll get all mothery and Super Protectiveman.
. . . and I'm afraid . . . that thing'll kill him."
Willow stood up to leave.
"Tell him.
Not me," she said firmly.
Riley reached the bench and stood in front
of Willow and Buffy. Willow imagined he looked like a puppy dog,
all smiling and panting, out for a morning run.
"Hi!" he said with a cheery grin.
"Hey!" Willow smiled back. She looked
down at Buffy, "That's my cue."
"See ya later," Buffy said, now resigned
to having to face Riley alone after the previous night's encounter.
"I'll catch you back at the room later
this afternoon," Willow said as she stooped down and collected
her book bag, "I'm getting together with Giles and Mr. MacDuffie
again at the shop. We're going to go over some things about our
little . . . problem."
"Okay," Buffy answered and for just
a moment she envied Willow's independence.
Buffy watched Willow fondly as her friend walked
briskly away. When Willow had disappeared at the edge of the Quad,
Buffy turned to Riley.
"Hi," she said uncomfortably.
"Hi," Riley answered, puzzled by
Buffy's reticence.
There was an awkward silence as Riley stood
expectantly in front of Buffy who remained seated on the bench.
"Can I sit down?" he finally asked.
"Sure," she said, patting the empty
space on the bench next to her with the palm of her hand.
Riley sat next to her and stumbled for words.
"I . . . I really want to apologize for
last night," he said hesitantly, but it was just what Buffy
needed to hear.
Buffy stared at Riley for a moment. Then, realizing
how much he cared and how much she loved him, she leaned forward,
wrapped her arms around him and kissed him in a long passionate
embrace. She ran the fingers of one hand through his sandy blonde
hair and squeezed him firmly at the waist with the other. A lone
student walking by on the brick pathway stared briefly.
Finally Buffy leaned back and grinned.
"Apology accepted," she said seductively.
"I guess I'll have to apologize more often,"
he replied softly.
"Girls love it when guys say they're sorry,"
Buffy whispered into his ear.
Buffy leaned forward as she and Riley kissed
again. She wondered as she wrapped her arms around him once more,
if Willow knew of any way to freeze time. Willow was getting strong
as a Wiccan. She could do it, Buffy thought as Riley gazed into
her eyes. Time, she pondered, to hold it firmly in place, like
she wanted to do with Riley, perhaps that was the only solution
to the fate she knew awaited her on the next night.
"Buffy?" Riley asked as she drew
back from his embrace. He could tell that her mind was racing
far away from where they sat on the bench.
"Riley . . ." Buffy whispered back
almost trembling.
"What? . . . what is it?" Riley shook
his head, now sensing something was very wrong.
"I . . . I can't see you . . . for the
next two days," Buffy blurted out.
Riley only stared at her. There was another
awkward pause.
"Buffy . . . I love you," he finally
said quietly.
"I know," was her whispered answer,
but she didn't want to face him.
". . . and I know you love me, too,"
he continued.
Buffy turned sharply to look directly at Riley.
Her eyes glistened as she struggled not to let any tears slip
out and run down her face.
"So, since that's not the problem . .
. " he went on with a sudden mental precision that somehow
gave her chills of horror, "There's got to be something else.
It's that creature that's been stalking you, right?"
Buffy stared at him in shock. She didn't answer
but only shook her head, trying to deny what she knew he had already
figured out.
"It's gonna be okay, Buffy," Riley
continued with naive enthusiasm. His reassuring smile only frightened
Buffy all the more. "The Initiative is on top of this thing.
Professor Walsh has been tracking it and we're gonna try to take
it out, actually capture it, . . . tomorrow night. So you got
nothing to worry about."
". . . no! . . . no! . . . Riley!"
she whispered in agony, shaking her head.
"We've got these new alpha particle weapons
that . . ."
"NO! Please Riley, listen to me!"
Buffy interrupted pleading with him, "You have to keep away
from it tomorrow night! And you have to stay away from me! You've
gotta convince Professor Walsh to call off the Initiative!"
"Why?" he asked, stunned at Buffy's
emotional response, "We've got all our equipment primed up
and . . ."
". . . because if you don't . . ."
she answered slowly and quietly, "All of you will be killed."
There was a long pause as Riley stared in disbelief
at Buffy.
" . . and tomorrow night I'm already going
to lose enough that's precious to me," Buffy said, her voice
laced with despair.
"I don't like the sound of this. What
aren't you telling me?"
"That thing, it's not of this world. It's
trying to break in . . . from another place, another time. It's
going to happen tomorrow night . . . and it won't be the only
one. There'll be others like it. All the Ancient Ones will be
with it . . . as it leads the way."
"What are you talking about?" Riley
said oozing that military confidence that Buffy always found so
aggravating, "Take it easy. Me and my squad, we can handle
this."
"No, you can't! Only I can!" Buffy
shouted back in frustration.
"Come on, Buffy! I've got twelve squad
men armed with . . ."
"Do you love me?!" Buffy interrupted.
"I just said I did," he replied,
puzzled.
"Then call it off!"
Buffy quickly bent forward and wrapped her
arms around Riley. She pressed her lips furiously against his
and kissed him with a passion she had previously only reserved
for the darkness and intimacy of their nights together. She didn't
want to let go. Time had to stop now. Somehow, if this moment
never moved, everything would be all right.
She realized in Riley's embrace that Nyarlethotep
or the Ancient Ones weren't the enemies. It was the future, the
dark impenetrable future that terrified her. And, as if in answer
to her revelation, Buffy imagined she saw through a wall of blackness,
a city in flames.
She pulled back sharply from Riley. Her eyes
begged him for an answer. Slowly, Riley spoke, knowing full well
his response was not what Buffy sought.
". . . Buffy . . ." he whispered
sorrowfully, "I can't . . . Maggie won't . . ."
Riley stopped in mid sentence. Buffy stared
back at him without speaking. Her face and green eyes were a mask
of agony and horror. She restrained a sob in her chest but couldn't
control the tear that finally run down her cheek. She quickly
stood up and faced him. She spoke as if she were addressing a
condemned man who didn't yet realize his fate had already been
determined.
". . . then, goodbye . . . Riley Finn."
Buffy turned and ran away down the path through
the quadrangle. Riley jumped to his feet and almost broke into
a sprint to follow her, but something made him pause. He stood,
bewildered and puzzling over what Buffy had told him. He couldn't
help but feel chills run down his spine as he realized that something
was watching. Something far away and yet nearby.
He looked up into the sky and despite the bright
sunshine, tried to imagine what the entity Buffy had described,
the three lobed burning eye, was seeing as it gazed down from
the Void where it was imprisoned. He suddenly realized with a
shock how he must appear from such a distance, small and alone,
standing by the side of an empty bench on the nearly deserted
quadrangle.
* * * * * * *
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