Disclaimer: Yes, I own all the characters of the Buffyverse!!! Mwuhahahahahaha!!! Not. If I owned them I would be sitting under a tree in my huge backyard reading a really good book... while being waited on hand and foot by my multitude of servants. Nope. I don't own the characters - I just play with them...
Reviews: I really wouldn't mind 'em... I'd like to know how well I keep the characters in character!
Authors note: This story takes place primarily after the last episode in season seven, with flashbacks. It can be assumed that all flashbacks actually took place off camera... Also, assume that none of Angel season five has taken place at all. And just so you're not confused, the first scene is a flashback that takes place just after "Lies My Parents told me."
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Buffy sat quietly on her couch - trying not to think. It was rare for her to find two seconds to herself. Moments when the house was quiet, and all the slayerettes were asleep... when she had nothing to do... all she did was sit quietly. She sat, and she stared, and she tried as hard as she could not to think. Sometimes it involved mint chip icecream, but right now, it didn't. Right now, it was just this.
Someone was trying to sneak out of the house.
And now it was just that. And so... her two seconds abruptly came to an end. She took a deep breath and stood up.
"Whoever you are," She said as she walked toward the foyer, then stopped suddenly. "... You're Spike..." She finished, obviously confused. Spike, who was just about to step out of the door, stopped. He let out a breath, and turned to Buffy.
"Well," he started, sounding almost annoyed. "I have a slight inescapable tendency of being me, yeah." Buffy creased her forehead.
"Are you all right?"
"Well, I'm not drinking merry spoonfuls of sugar... but the medicine's going down fine." Buffy raised her forehead skepticaly. "I'm fine." Spike asserted.
"Spike, I've known you for six years... I think that's long enough to know that when you make obscure references to Mary Poppins that you aren't fine. It means you are... something other then fine." Spike was silent for a moment before he shut the door. He kept his eyes burning in to Buffy's.
"Being *around* someone for six years doesn't make you an expert on them, love... because you sure as hell don't bloody know me." Buffy looked hurt and confused.
"What are you--"
"Buffy, I'm not in the mood for one of our hearts to unbeating hearts right now... Besides," He said as he opened the door again. He stared outside for a moment before returning his pained gaze to the slayer. "Shouldn't you and your watcher be planning another set up to get me in to a dust pan?" With that, he stepped out of the house in to the cold, starless night. Buffy caught the door before it closed and followed Spike down the walkway.
"Spike, you know I had nothing to do with that." She said almost pleadingly, but with an evident trace of annoyance. She really did not need this right now. She did not need to be out in the cold and dark... She didn't need the drama. God, she just wanted some peace and quiet for once. Spike stopped just as he reached the end of the walkway and looked at Buffy.
"Thanks for clearing that one up for me... I swear I was confused there for a second." He said caustically, and turned to go. Buffy caught him by the arm.
"I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't set you up! Giles was stalling, and I didn't realize it. I..."
"You what? Come on, Buffy... I can't wait to hear this. The suspense..." he paused. "Would be killing me if I was alive. Are you finally going to tell me what you feel?" Buffy was silent. "That, what? That you care about me? ... You have feelings for me? That you need me because you're not ready for me 'to not be here'?" he was quiet for a second or so. "Go ahead, slayer... lie to me. Use me, because that's what you're good at."
"You're right." Buffy said quietly. "I am using you. You're fighting a war, and next to me... you're the strongest weapon we've got. Why the hell wouldn't I use you, and why would I set you up to be killed?"
"I'm a liability. I'm dangerous. I'm more trouble than I'm worth--"
"You're *worth* the trouble. We need you.. *I* need you. I do have feelings for you, Spike. I do care about you... and you'd know that if you weren't too busy being all jumpy with the conclusions and feeling sorry for yourself!"
"And what exactly does that mean? 'Feelings'. I didn't get it the first time around, and jumping on the soul train chasing the Buffy love bug hasn't helped. What 'feelings'?!" Buffy said nothing. Spike's face hardened. "You know, hate is a feeling too." He turned around and walked away.
"I don't know what I feel." Buffy called out. Spike stopped again, and turned his head toward her a little.
"Still not telling me anything new." Buffy looked down, and Spike started walking again.
"Where are you going?"
"Away."
"... But where?"
"From here."
"Spike!" Spike turned around abruptly.
"What do you want from me?!" He yelled. Buffy jumped. He walked back over to her angrily. "I don't know what the hell else I can do! I try everything, but it's never enough. Nothing is ever enough!"
"Spike--"
"No." He interupted her. "I'm through listening to you. The last six years of my life have been complete hell because of you. Trust me on this one, love... I know hell. And I'm done with it. I'm done with this damn house, this God forsaken town... I'm done with it all. Buffy... I'm done with you."
"What are you saying?"
"Weird... I thought I just said what I was saying."
"Oh, well - I was distracted by the little voice in my head that kept telling me what you were saying was stupid!" She said angrily. "But then, you never really made any sense did you? I must have forgotten who I was talking to." Spike was still.
"Yeah well... it was always easy for you to forget things when it came to me, wasn't it?" He said in a low voice. Buffy clenched her jaw.
"When it came to you... there's nothing I wanted to remember." Spike's resentful gaze as he nodded did not exactly reflect the peircing pain he felt in his chest. He never knew how much it would hurt to love someone with every atom of your being... but to hate them almost as much.
"Good... then you can forget I was ever here, and it wont bother you when I'm gone." He started to leave, but Buffy stopped him.
"If you leave now, people are going to die!... Spike, I can't do this without you." Both were quiet for a few moments. Spike just didn't know how to respond. Somehow he wasn't angry anymore. He was just tired. God, he was just so tired. Maybe he had just lived too long. He had been through too much - most of it in the first few, and most recent years of his life. Suddenly he thought that he should have just let Wood kill him. He should have been dead so long ago...
"People die, Buffy." He said as though in a revery. He took a deep breath. "I'll stay, then. Not because I care a sodding fig about the fate of this wonderful world we live in... just because you need me. I promised you I would always be there when you needed me. But the day this is over... I'm watching the sun come up with everyone else. I think I've earned that." Buffy creased her forehead.
"Spike, I--"
"I shouldn't be here. You know that just as well as I do. I'm an abomination. A freak of nature. And who knows. maybe Wood and Watcher had the right idea... But whatever. I'm here... someone up there obviously wanted me here, or else I would have died years ago... maybe even with a family to mourn me. Instead I got to love someone my whole life who couldn't really love me... and now I love someone who..." He laughed shortly. "Couldn't really love me." He continued quickly before Buffy could respond.
"I can feel it, Buffy. We'll be heroes, you and me. We'll save the world... or push it's expiration date back for a little while... and that'll be the end of it for me. I'm not going to come through it this time.
"And that's the way it should be, I guess." He added with a slight smile. Buffy blinked some tears away as she touched Spike's cheek with her hand..
"You'll make it through..."
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