~~~
Chapter 12- Buffy
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I had barely stepped through the door before he was in front of me, reaching out to touch me. I had waited for this moment for so long, and now that it was here I did not know what to do. Ever since I realized that Angel and I could never be together, I had hoped and prayed for this day. I had dreamt about the day when I could lay my weapons aside for a moment and gaze into his eyes. When I could hold him and, wrapped in his arms, tell him that I loved him. I had imagined the moment when I told him I could not care less about the impossibility of a physical relationship; any relationship was enough for me. Anything but this endless cycle of loving and losing him. He left me again before the battle, leaving another hole in my heart, and I realized that I could not finish baking unless I had the final ingredient. Angel.
I was nobody without him. Somehow, all those years ago in that dim alley way, our souls had been bound. I had tried to deny it; we both had. He left and I tried to move on by dating others. It hadn’t worked for either of us. I had only ended up getting hurt when I couldn’t fully allow myself to love Riley, and he had spent the past years alone, dealing with his pain in silence. After all the years of separation I was sure that bond, now mental, emotional and physical, had faded. But it hadn’t, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer because now I knew that it would never fade. I wouldn’t let it.
I had once thought that our time had passed. I had told myself repeatedly that we’d had our chance and it hadn’t worked out. But I realized that we hadn’t even begun. Angel and I had years ahead of us to spend together, and my heart fluttered at the thought. I was bitter with regret for the years we could have been together had he not left, but there was no point in lamenting about the past. If he had stayed, then life may have been a lot different than it was now. A sudden thought hit me. If Angel had been there, would I have died? That was not fair, I scolded myself. As much as I hated it and despised the people who made it happen, I was meant to die that day, and nothing Angel could have done would have changed that.
“Buffy,” he whispered, and my breathing became ragged. I wanted nothing more than to throw him down and ravish him, but Giles stepped through the doors behind me and I reined my thoughts back to something appropriate.
“Angel,” I replied, suddenly short of breath.
Our way of greeting was typical. As Dawn would put it, our hellos were “so depressing and angsty that we looked happier when we were facing an apocalypse”. She’s a fairly perceptive girl.
The others ambled through the door behind me. I saw Angel sweep his eyes over them, counting those who remained. He nodded and bit his lip, then glanced at me sharply as though realizing something.
“Spike?” he asked.
Fresh tears came to my eyes. His eyes flashed briefly with what I thought was pain and I realized that for all his jealous insults, he would grieve the vampire who his Childe had sired. Spending a century with someone would create a bond between anyone, and Spike and Angel were no exception.
“Was there anyone else?” he asked, too softly for anyone else to hear.
“Anya,” I murmured, and he instantly glanced at Xander. I saw Angel catch his eye and nod, to which Xander wearily nodded back. I was surprised at the civilized and silent understanding that passed between them. I remembered the annoying hostility they showed towards each other all those year ago, but they had both come a long way since then. Both had changed considerably over the years. Xander had matured, growing into a stable and trustworthy businessman, while Angel had become more independent, more confident in himself and his efforts to redeem himself. They had finally reached common ground.
Wesley stepped forward and coughed, gaining everyone’s attention. “How about you come inside, instead of standing in the doorway, and we’ll get you settled in.”
Angel shot him a sheepish look which I found incredibly cute on him. We ambled further into the hotel and Gunn came forward, offering to show us rooms where we could stay, or shower if we wanted to. Everyone nodded, grateful for a place to rest or clean up. Wesley stood beside me, and I could see that he was silently debating what to say. I surprised him by hugging him fiercely. I never thought I would say that Wesley was pleasing to look at, but at that moment he looked decidedly yummy. I saw Cordelia over his shoulder, standing awkwardly in front of a chair but behind a slim, pretty brunette. After I released Wesley, I walked over to the girl who had been the source of many frustrations in high school.
The woman in front of her shuffled forward. “I’m Fred. And you’re Buffy.”
“That’s right,” I said, smiling at her nervous fidgeting. She reminded me so much of Willow.
“I’ve heard so much about you. You’re like…a hero!” she gushed, and I blushed ferociously.
“Not so much a hero as a lucky person,” I replied.
“I’m glad you and the others are okay.” Her eyes caught onto something behind me and they lit up. “Willow!” she squealed, and rushed to embrace her.
I studied Cordelia for a moment. She was certainly different. Her body had filled out, and her hair was cut into a short bob. But it was not the physical changes that caught my attention. Instead of the showy, straight postured girl I used to know, Cordelia was almost huddling, her hands clasped in front of her belly. Her eyes, which had once held so much determination and spark, were haunted and sad. Something had happened to her, and I felt my heart go out to her. I moved forward slowly and held out my arms. She hugged me back, but her grip was limp and weak in my own.
“You’ll be okay,” I whispered, although I had no idea what had happened, or if it would be okay. I was just taking a wild stab in the dark, trying to comfort her. This quiet, reserved woman was not Cordelia, and it frightened me. “You will be.”
“I know,” she replied softly, and released me. I turned to follow Gunn up the stairs and felt Angel’s comforting gaze on my back.
~~~
My first shower since the battle was amazing. As the water splashed over my body, I felt the dirt and grime wash away, and my fresh, clean state heightened my mood. With a sudden desire to be free of the threads to my past, I grabbed the sponge and scrubbed my limbs until they were raw. My hair was finally clean and free of knots, and I ran my fingers through the blonde locks. I had an unexpected longing for Angel to run his fingers through my hair, and I was startled as the feeling which I had buried for so long rose to the surface. I felt the same as I had six years ago when my crush on Angel had begun. It was exciting, new and…frightening. I felt like a giddy teenager.
I reluctantly turned the water off and stepped into the cold air. The towel was heavenly against my skin, and I took my time in drying myself. I slipped on a silk dressing gown that hung in the closet and squeezed the water from my hair with the towel. I nearly jumped in fright when I heard a knock on the door. Turning around, I dropped the towel on the floor and crossed the room. I knew who stood there before I opened the door. Angel smiled back at me and I held the door open wider as he came in.
“Are you all right?” he asked. “Is there anything you need? I can get you a drink, or some food. Do you want anything to eat? I’m not a great cook but I could whip up something if you’d like-”
“Angel,” I interrupted with a smile. “I’m fine.”
He nodded and we stood facing each other in uncomfortable silence.
“Well, I better let you get dressed. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”
I could not believe that Angel was starting to babble. I knew he didn’t just come up here to see if I needed anything, and I told him so.
“Yeah, I sort of panicked,” he said.
“I noticed,” I replied. “Want to talk?”
He nodded and sat down on the bed. “This past year had just been so crazy. I mean, things have happened that would make daytime soaps look like nothing.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad.” Who did he think he was talking to? Look up crazy and weird in the dictionary and it will say ‘Buffy’s life’ in bold capitals.
“We ended world peace.”
I blinked. “Huh?”
“I won’t tell you the entire story now, because it’s too long and confusing. But over the past year, I’ve discovered so much about myself and the others that I realized I didn’t know myself or any of them before.” It was always the big battles that showed you a person’s true self, I thought, thinking about Spike. “You’ve always been my constant,” he continued. “With everything going crazy around me, I could always think of you and everything would seem okay. You’re always there at the back of my mind, reminding me of what I’m here to do. You’re always the same; no matter how much you change, you’re always focused on what you have to do. And it’s that trait that holds me to you. I’m saying this now because, when I thought you were dead, I regretted not saying it. I just want to get it all out while I have the chance. I still love you, Buffy. You know I always will.” He suddenly looked stricken. “I know you love Spike, and I’m not trying to make you choose or anything. I-I just wanted to let you know.”
I was so impressed with how well he knew me at the start of his little speech that the ending completely threw me. “What? Love Spike?”
“It’s okay; I’m all right with it.” He looked so serious and miserable that I nearly laughed.
“Angel, let me tell you something. What did I tell you about Spike when you came to Sunnydale with the medallion?”
His forehead creased as he narrowed his eyes, thinking back to that day. “You told me you wanted to be with Spike, and that he was your champion.”
“Did I ever say I loved Spike?”
His eyes widened almost comically.
“No, I didn’t,” I answered for him. “I said I wanted to give it a chance, to see what would happen. Well, I didn’t love Spike, not yet anyway, and as much as I hate it, he’s gone. I’ll never get a chance to see what would have happened with him. And losing him made me realize that I could lose you just as easily. I have never been more scared in my life, Angel. The thought of living in a world without you…I don’t think I could. Spike was my champion, yes, but Angel… don’t you understand? You don’t need me to be a champion. You already are. If Spike had lived, I don’t think it would have worked between us. Because, Angel, I still am, and always will be in love with you.”
He looked so silly, sitting there with his mouth gaping open that I broke into a grin. In a sudden rush of air, he scooped me up and lifted me hungrily to his lips. I met his with equal intensity, and I was left breathless when we broke apart. We stayed like that for a moment; him, staring down at me with those brown eyes that make me weak at the knees, and me, a snug fit in his firm embrace, gazing back at him. Then his gaze changed, and I immediately recognized the guilt in his eyes and in the way his grip loosened.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“We’re back where we began,” he murmured.
I shook my head vehemently. “No way, buddy. There is no possible way you are going to find an excuse to leave me this time, because you know what? Whatever doubts you have, I don’t care. You hear me? I just don’t care anymore. I’ve waited too goddamn long to finally get a break and now I’m not going to let you go. I’m tired of waiting, and I’m tired of thinking about the future when it’s more than likely I won’t live long enough to have a future.” He tried to protest but I cut him off with a wave of my hand. “No, listen to me. I’m the Slayer, Angel. We both know my life expectancy isn’t great and my record with dying isn’t too great either. I want to live now, in the present, while I still have a life to live. And I want to spend it with you. Let’s just take each day as they come and see what happens. It’s not going to be all good; actually, it’s going to be damn hard and painful. But I’m willing to give it another go.” I looked at him, almost shyly. “If you are.”
It took him all of one second to capture my mouth with his, and I found myself sinking into his body. God, I loved this so much. Just him and me, together, like no one else existed. I parted my lips and nearly moaned when his tongue darted into my mouth. I pressed my hands against his chest and kissed him harder and deeper, making up for all the kisses we could have had over the years. I pulled away, half reluctantly, half exhilarated.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“I love you,” he replied, and I smiled. He smiled back at me and I can honestly say, that out of the six years I’ve known Angel, this was the happiest I had ever seen him. And it made me happy.
I rested my cheek against his chest and I felt him place his chin on top of my head. We fit together perfectly. This felt so…right.
But then something changed, and it took my breath away. Angel stiffened at the same time I did, and jumped away from me. I stared at him, eyes wide, and my mouth hanging slightly open. He stared at me, confusion clouding his eyes as he grasped his chest and struggled to breathe. It was a miracle.
His heart was beating.
“Buffy…” he said softly. “What...what?”
“You’re human,” I whispered.
“What? Why is this happening?”
My heart was thudding against my rib cage so fast I though the people downstairs would hear it. My lower lip trembled.
“You’ve done it,” I replied. “You’ve finally atoned. Angel, you have saved more lives than you took.”
“But-but…whose life did I save?” He was trying to control his breathing, and his hand was running up and down his arms, where blood now pumped freely through his veins.
I stepped forward and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look into my eyes.
“Mine,” I said. “You saved my life. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to live. Angel, you’re alive.”
“I’m alive,” he repeated, searching my eyes for confirmation.
“You’re alive.”
He looked so bewildered and confused that I wanted to say something to comfort him. But I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I continued to watch him. His face glowed, his cheeks now a faint pink as the heat rushed through his body. Finally, after all these years, he was human again. I silently thanked whoever had given him this gift, not for him, but for me. This was the only thing I wanted, and I had finally received it. The only thing I had ever wanted was him. And now he was mine, and I could be with him forever with no curse standing in our way.
“We should go downstairs…tell everyone,” he said, but I shook my head vigorously, my mind already running away with the possibilities.
“Oh, no,” I said. “They can wait a few hours…”
~~~
To Be Concluded…
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