~~~
Chapter 10- Angel
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Pulling myself from my thoughts I rushed to where Lindsey had fallen. I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him upright, noticing his unusually pallid face and the way his eyes rolled back into his head. I heaved him onto the couch and caught sight of the burns that covered his body.
“God…” I muttered, gesturing Fred over. “Go call an ambulance and grab some water from the kitchen.”
She nodded and left quickly, leaving me to investigate Lindsey’s wounds. I was shocked to realize the extent of the injuries. It was enough to make me squirm. Cursing softly under my breath I began to peel his matted clothes away from his wounds. I was somewhat relieved that Lindsey wasn’t conscious, because the pain would have been excruciating. I heard the others hurrying down the stairs, and noticed with surprise that I could smell Cordelia’s scent. I hadn’t expected her to leave her room for a long time yet, but I didn’t question it when they surrounded us.
“Dear God,” Wesley breathed.
“Well I’ll trade my purple Armani suit,” Lorne said, shaking his head in wonder.
“Holy crap,” Cordelia declared, summarizing everyone’s feelings at the time.
Lindsey opened his eyes and looked straight into my own. He grabbed my shirt and clung to it tightly.
“What happened?” I asked, praying desperately that it wasn’t another apocalypse.
“Demon,” he choked out, spitting blood over my shirt. “Got me outside a bar. Too fast...” He trailed off; closing his eyes as he vainly tried to block out the pain.
“Why are you here?” I demanded.
“The nightmares,” he murmured, smiling wearily and opening his eyes again. He loosened his grip on my shirt. “I can’t sleep anymore. Their faces…”
I was stunned into silence, as was the rest of the A.I team.
“Whose faces?”
“I ruined their lives,” he whispered. “How’d you do it?”
I finally understood what Lindsey was saying. He was haunted by the people he had killed, or at least, gotten killed. “Got a conscience now, Lindsey?”
He laughed bitterly. “If you say so.”
“How did that come around?” Wesley asked.
Lindsey was struggling to breathe properly and Fred took charge, waving our questions away until he had sipped some water and settled down. Her face paled when she got a closer look at his injuries, but she merely bit her lip and held the glass to his mouth.
“I travelled after I left,” he said suddenly. “Saw some things and made some choices. I didn’t like who I’d become; an unemployed drunk. I got wasted at a bar a few weeks ago and was stumbling out when I found a vampire making a snack out of some woman. I staked him before I knew what I was doing, and it got me thinking. You’ve killed hundreds of people, way more than I ever did, and if saving people helps you, then why can’t it help me? So I dragged my ass from wherever I was to see if…if…”
“If?” Wesley prompted
He lowered his head and jerked spasmodically as he coughed. He shifted and winced when the material of the couch grazed against his leg. “To see if… anyone needed help in L.A. That’s what I was doing at that bar tonight. If it hadn’t been me it would have been the businessman with two kids I pushed out of the way.”
“What demon was it?” Wesley demanded.
“I…I’ve never seen it before,” Lindsey replied, struggling to sit to up. “Big, scaly, but its head was almost human.”
“We’ll need to follow it up,” I said, and Wesley headed into the office. “And you saved this guy and his kids?”
“I hope so,” he said. “I told them to run, but I don’t know what happened after I was thrown into the wall.” He tried to chuckle, but they soon turned into rasps. “I can’t believe I’m here. God I hate you, Angel. I’m so pathetic that I’m asking you for a god damned job.”
“A what?”
“Make me repeat it, why don’t you?” Lindsey sighed, coughing again. “I want a job. Here. With you. I need it.”
“You’ve got to be kidding-” Cordelia began, only to be interrupted by the wailing of sirens coming from outside. The ambulance had arrived. The medics rushed in, a stretcher between them, and they gently placed Lindsey on top of it. They stayed to ask a few quick questions, which I answered rather vaguely and then they were gone before I even had time to consider his request.
Lindsey wanted to work for me. With us. Helping us. My immediate answer, had I been given time to say it, would have been a definite no. But now I had time to mull over it, I was torn. He had done some bad things in his life, but compared to what I had done he was nearly a saint. If I deserved a chance to redeem myself, didn’t he?
Cordelia broke the silence. “Well, that was certainly unexpected.”
“Couldn’t say it any better, Wes,” Lorne agreed. “Would it be unexpected to say that I feel a little sorry for the guy?”
“No,” Fred replied. “He didn’t deserve that.”
“No one does,” I said quietly. I was still trying to work out why he decided to come here. for a job, instead of working on his own. I knew his hatred for me ran deep, and probably would for a long time to come, so his desperation must have reached breaking point. This was something the whole team needed to decide and to be honest I just could not be bothered tonight. I reminded myself to check in with the hospital tomorrow to see how he was doing, and then pushed him from my mind.
I went upstairs, suddenly eager to shower and clean Lindsey’s blood off me. When I returned the gang was seated around the television. Fred was snuggled close to Cordelia, and Wesley was on the single couch, playing with a loose thread.
“What...?”
“We’re having a movie night,” Wesley informed me, a slow smile spreading across his lips. “Fred’s idea.”
“Well, we haven’t done this for years,” she said with a shrug. She snuggled closer to Cordelia and clutched at her hand. “And we’re all together again. Charles should be back soon.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, the doors swung open and Gunn walked through. He was followed by a young boy, no older than eighteen. I caught Gunn’s eye and silently implored him but he only shrugged.
“Met the kid on the way home,” he said. “He was fighting vamps like a pro, man.” He came closer and said quietly, “Angel, he’s got nowhere else to go. His family’s all gone. He needs somewhere to stay, and I thought maybe, with all the room we got here, that he could stay a while.”
I couldn’t see why not and agreed. The poor guy had obviously been to hell and back, and the least I could do was offer him a place to stay. He had lost his family, and his life. I had seen it happen so often, and the haunted look in his eyes made me want to take him under my wing and protect him.
The boy spoke up. “I can fight. I don’t have any money, but I can help you guys to pay for staying here.”
I took a couple of steps forward. “I’m sure you can fight, but you don’t have to. The door’s always open and I’m not going to make you pay. What’s your name, by the way?”
“Connor,” he said.
I introduced everyone, carefully explaining Lorne’s rather unusual colouring. I couldn’t decide whether to tell him that I was a vampire or not. The last few times I had told someone it had not ended up well. But, as I found out, I didn’t need to.
“So you’re a vampire, huh?” he asked. I shot him a surprised look, but Gunn stepped forward.
“I thought I’d better let the kid in on it early, since it doesn’t usually go down good. He seems okay with it.”
“As long as you keep your fangs away from me, we’re good,” Connor said, and I grinned.
“It’s a deal.”
“Uh, excuse me.” Fred held up her hand. “We were going to watch a movie, but you guys probably want to shower, right?”
“Yeah, would be an idea,” Gunn said, and Fred winced at his harsh tone.
I knew Gunn was still hurting about their break up, but I frowned at his cutting voice. I don’t think he realized that Fred was devastated. I saw Wesley from the corner of my eye. He froze when Gunn spoke and moved back into the office.
“I’ll show you to a room, Connor,” she said, ignoring Gunn as she walked past him and took Connor by the hand. They disappeared up the steps with Gunn following behind.
“This night is by far the weirdest and most action-packed night we’ve had in a long time, don’t you think?” Lorne said.
“I would have to agree with you on that.” Wesley resumed his position on the couch.
“The poor little guy.” Lorne shook his head sadly. “Only a kid, just starting his life in the big bad world, and now he’ll never get to go to college.”
“Happens to the best of them,” Cordelia said with a sigh, and I realized how true it was.
Buffy had been delivered from her naïve existence at only fifteen, with Xander, Willow and Cordelia only a year later. Gunn lost his chance at a normal life much earlier than that, and Fred was only given a glimpse of what lay ahead in her future before she too was thrown into a life where vampires and demons were real. Like Buffy, they were ‘chosen’ because they had what it took to fight against evil, and had to deal with the life they were handed. It was tough, but it was life.
I sat down as Fred returned and Lorne turned the TV on. I stole a glance at Cordelia and saw the pain and sorrow in her eyes. I felt my heart go out to her. She had been through so much, and most of it was because she had stayed by my side. She had been my best friend for so long that I had taken her for granted over the years. She had changed so much from the shallow, conceited girl with the witty, if not scathing comments. Now she was a mature, beautiful woman who had suffered through more than any woman should. But she wasn’t alone; we would be there for her. I glanced around at my family, suddenly aware that these people were my life. Without them, I would be no one.
One of them suddenly switched the channel and a news reporter floated onto the screen.
I stared at the screen in numb horror, an icy sensation creeping through my body as I watched the images of Sunnydale, or at least, what was left of it. In its place was a gaping mouth in a barren, dusty land and a cloud of grime smothered the air above it. And as I absorbed the images, my mind was screaming one word over and over.
Buffy.
No, I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that she was dead. She couldn’t be- God, I couldn’t even say the word again. I used to know that I would always feel her, always know if she was near or far away. But after all this time away from her, I had begun to have my doubts. Could the link between us have somehow faded over the years or even disappeared? I had always been so certain that it would never dim, and having doubts now did nothing to ease my mind.
The demon inside of me reared its ugly head and taunted me. How could there be any possible chance that she had escaped the devastation that had befallen Sunnydale? And what about Willow or Xander? Had they survived? I knew nothing would stop them from being by Buffy’s side. Did Dawn and Giles make it out before the town had collapsed into itself? I knew Buffy would die before allowing anything to happen to those two. She had done it before and would do it again. But if she was dead, how could she protect them? I flailed helplessly for a thread of hope or an excuse, and came up empty. I didn’t see how...
I felt a hand grab mine and looked down to see Cordelia gazing up at me, and realized that I was now standing. Tears were streaming down her face and reflected in her eyes was a sadness that must have mirrored my own. I numbly wrapped my arms around her and gathered her to my chest, staring vacantly over her shoulder as she cried. I was frozen in a state of utter coldness; there was not an inch of me that felt anything.
I didn’t see Wesley slip his hand into Fred’s or Lorne gulp down the rest of his vodka. I didn’t feel Cordelia slide from my arms and take a step back. I didn’t reply when Wesley began to awkwardly offer condolences, or when Fred murmured that she was sorry. All I saw was the great, gaping hole on the television screen that mirrored by heart. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it.
The news switched to another story but I did not notice. “I…she…” My mouth could not form the words. I turned my back to them, not certain that I could hold myself together.
It wasn’t possible. I just couldn’t accept it- she was not dead. I refused to listen to the voice in my head that repeated the three ugliest words I had ever heard- she is dead. Because Buffy was the Slayer who never lost. She was the best Slayer to ever grace the earth. She went against everything that was thrown at her, and threw it back twice as hard. She went up against the worst evils this Earth had seen and she always came out on top. She always won. Not even death could defeat her, for she had come back from its depths twice now. She was unbeatable.
So how could she be…gone?
It came crashing down on me so hard and fast that I felt my knees give way. I collapsed to the floor, despite struggling to stay upright. I vaguely comprehended the others around me; I barely saw the chair in front of me; I did not feel the hard surface against my knees. My mind was a haze, and I could not make sense of any thoughts save one- Buffy.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that- maybe a few seconds, or a few minutes. I suddenly came back to reality when I heard someone speak, and saw Cordelia’s mouth moving. I couldn’t understand what she was saying. In a numb silence I forced myself to stand.
And then…
My mind screamed with hope when I felt it. It became a physical sensation, electric shocks shooting up my spine. It … I looked up and waited. And waited. The others watched me silently. I did not realize that Gunn and Connor had returned and were standing on the steps. I only saw the front door. And I waited. My world stood still.
And then, like the slow, rhythmic beating of a heart, there came the soft sound of footsteps. Like the anticipation of slowly climbing a rollercoaster, the door began to open, inch by inch. And like the rising of the sun over the horizon at daybreak, she stepped into my sight.
I fell in love all over again. She stood before me, in flesh and blood, breathing and alive, only a few steps away. I crossed the distance between us, but it felt as though time had slowed. Her hair was loose and streaked with dirt. Her cheeks were flushed crimson, and there was a tiny cut on her left cheekbone. She stood awkwardly and I noticed the wound on her side. I wanted nothing more to hold her and take away her pain. I looked into her eyes, and I saw a spark I hadn’t sent there since our first year together. I thought that maybe this was a dream, that my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I reached out my hand. She was real. My finger touched the soft skin of her cheek and a raging fire swept through my body. I felt alive.
I stared down into her beautiful eyes and saw that she was gazing into mine.
“Buffy,” I whispered. I said her name with everything I had, with all my love, passion and devotion. There were no words to describe the extent of emotions which flowed through me. She was here.
“Angel.”
I thought my heart would burst when I heard my name of her lips. She had always had a way of saying my name which made me want to give everything I had to make her happy. It played across her lips like a song, beautiful and melodious, the most breathtaking sound I had ever heard.
Some say love is gentle and kind. But to me, love is fervent and painful. It is something which consumes a person whole until they can no longer breathe or live without their lover. Love is completely uniting two souls, binding and entwining them until they become one. She is my life. She is my fever, my pain. She is my soul.
~~~
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