Chapter 4- Fred
~~~
I reluctantly lifted my head from Angel’s shoulder, and noticed that Gunn was gone. I hadn’t even notice him leave. I remembered a time when I had always noticed him; where he was, what he was doing, whom he was with. Why do those things change? It felt weird to not feel the spark between us, making my heart beat faster when he was around and my head spin when he gazed at me with love and adoration.
I shook my head sadly and turned to watch Lorne and Angel speak.
Angel was the one person I don’t think I will ever unravel. I don’t think anyone ever will. He was a man, or vampire, brimming with contradictions and paradoxes. He could act cheerful, but beneath he was still sorrowing. He could laugh, but inside he would scream. He would finally be at peace and have it all taken away from him. But he kept trying, kept going, even when I had long ago given up hope. As corny as it sounded, Angel was a man on a mission, and nothing could take his vision of the future.
Future. What does that word sound so unreal these days? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I could be dead tomorrow, or maybe because if I do live past tomorrow I have no idea what will happen. It’s scary. Moreover, I know that for Angel, it would be far scarier.
Having been alive for centuries, and suddenly realizing that maybe one day he could be human, Angel’s future looked much more hazy than mine. He could shansu tomorrow and live the rest of his days as a human, or he could live for another three hundred years as a vampire, only to turn human when all those he loved had already died.
He looked at me and I realized that I had been staring. I quickly diverted my gaze, embarrassed at being caught. I knew that he could sense my embarrassment, and I felt a warm flush creep up my neck. I hurried back to the reception desk, trying to busy myself with filing the cases we had already taken care of.
I loved the close friendship we had formed over the past few weeks. He had become the older brother I had always wanted but never had, and I know he thought of me as his sister. We spoke often, mostly about nothing, or this and that, but sometimes our conversations turned into deep, emotional reminiscing. He had told me about his relationship with Buffy, and I couldn’t help but be shocked at how painful the topic was for him. After all the time, and the feelings he had harbored for Cordelia, I was amazed at how deep his love still ran for her. It was obvious; his eyes told of oceans of love, pain, and guilt when he spoke of the years he had with her.
He had been noble in his intentions, but I couldn’t help but think that he may have been much happier with her. I knew it was hard on both of them, and that his leaving was for the best, but why didn’t he realize that he could have been there for her over the years? That he could have watched her blossom into a woman, and grown as a person? After spending years in a demon dimension I had come to hate the way people waste the years they have.
In return I had told him what I felt while I was in Pylea, and a few stories of my childhood, most of which ended up with Angel in stitches. It was unusual to see Angel laugh, and I had been happy to make him laugh lightheartedly.
What I never told him though- never even breathed a word of- were my ebbing feelings towards Gunn, and flourishing likening for another certain someone. I was only just admitting it to myself, and I couldn’t bear the thought of revealing it to anyone else.
Without realizing it, my thoughts had wandered to a kiss. A completely unexpected, but not unpleasant kiss. At first, I had just written my feelings off as being grateful for a wonderful distraction to the tension and stress that had filled the days of the Beast’s reign. It had been a powerful, frantic kiss that replaced every soft kiss every placed on my lips.
Everyday my turmoil grew stronger, and despite desperately trying to deny it, these feelings wouldn’t be quenched. Why was everything so hard?
“You can’t choose them, honey.”
I whirled around in shock, gripping the counter behind me. Lorne stood behind me, smirking into his glass of vodka.
“W-what?” I stammered.
“Babe, I don’t even need to read you,” he replied with a shrug. “It’s obvious you hold a candle for him.”
“I d-don’t know what you’re talking about.” I shook my head vigorously, avoiding his eyes.
“Yes, you do. It’s okay, honey, I can see why you would.”
I took a deep breath and raised my eyes to his. I didn’t expect him to gape and drop his glass, splashing the liquor on the smooth tiles.
“Oh, wow, sorry about that,” he apologized, dropping to his knee and collecting the shards of glass. I grabbed a towel from the drawer and knelt to mop up the mess. Lorne grabbed my arm mid wipe and I released my hold on the towel in surprise. I raised my head and met his eyes again.
“You really love him, don’t you?” he asked, with a hint of surprise in his voice. “I mean, it’s amazing. It’s...”
I was completely floored. I knew what he was talking about, but why did he look surprised? “It’s what?”
“Real,” he answered simply, as though it explained everything.
“Huh?” I hadn’t been expecting that. Sure, I knew I had feelings for him, but if Lorne was shocked by the depth of them then maybe even I hadn’t realized how much he meant to me.
“Your love for him...it’s real. Like real, real. Not like you and Gunn, or Angel-face and Cordy. It’s different. Does he know?” he asked gently.
“Know? W-who?” I stammered, still clinging to my hopeless denying.
“Hmm, no need to deny it, honey,” Lorne comments, still kneeling beside me on the floor. “But I think you’re wrong.”
I blinked. “Wrong?”
“He still loves you. He loved you more than life itself, and still does. He may not show it, but that’s probably because after having his heart wrenched out he doesn’t want to risk it happening again, which I completely understand...Oh honey, I’m not helping am I?”
“Uh, helping what?” I asked in a shrill voice, still futilely denying what Lorne already knew.
“I can’t believe I’ve never seen it.” He shook his head in wonder.
“Seen what?”
“The love.”
“There’s no love...”
“Of course there is honey, I can see it, I know.”
“Know what?”
I glanced up at Angel, mortified at the thought that he had overheard our conversation.
“Know that...we definitely need to do some interior decorating in this place,” Lorne covered hastily. “I mean, Angel-face, look at these walls; they haven’t been updated since the twenties.”
“Maybe...” he replied, a small smile playing on his lips.
I took Lorne’s offered hand and he lifted me off the floor. I turned back to the filing I had previously been doing and focused on the job at hand, trying unsuccessfully to ignore the vampire’s presence behind me.
He knew I was hiding something. He could always read me like a book, and I suppose in some ways it helped since I never had to explain my feelings to him. I only wished another someone could see how much I loved him.
I can’t believe I just thought it. I can’t believe I nearly said it. Now that I had though, I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I suddenly wanted to shout it aloud.
“Wesley loves you, Fred,” Lorne whispered in my ear as he passed. “Don’t waste the love you have.”
The front doors crashed open loudly, causing me to jump in alarm. Lorne had jumped as high as I had, dropping his second glass for the night. Angel’s arm shot out to pull me behind him, and he positioned himself in front of me.
I focused on the newcomer and saw a lean, dirty man stumble through the doors. His long brown hair showed hints of mud streaks, and blood was caked in his mouth.
The stranger raised his head and gazed out from beneath his filthy bangs.
“Angel...” he uttered, and promptly collapsed on the hard ground.
“Oh, God,” Angel murmured, a hint of disbelief in his voice.
“Angel?” I asked, unsure of what to do. “Who is he?”
Angel stared grimly at the fallen stranger.
“Lindsey.”
~~~
Wesley. She loved Wesley. I hadn’t expected that, to say the least. Why...? When...? How could she fall in love with him after everything that he had done? After his betrayal? I remembered the look she had given him in the hospital, and how that complete disgust could turn into love so quickly was beyond me. Then again, how could a vampire love the Vampire Slayer? Love was not something you could choose.
They did not know I could hear them, and I made sure it stayed that way. I couldn’t comprehend how Gunn would feel when he discovered it. Pain. Betrayal. Resentment. I hoped Fred saw the pain she would cause him. I knew she would never intentionally hurt Gunn, although this revelation would nearly kill him.
I decided to make my presence known before they discovered me, so I stepped into the lobby. Acting as though I had just overheard the end of their conversation, I asked Lorne what he knew. Fred stumbled over an answer and I felt sorry for making her squirm.
The door burst open and a tattered figure stumbled into the lobby. Lindsey? I had received two shocks in less than two minutes. Any more and my heart was going to start beating. The onetime lawyer was a mere shadow of his former self, and the injuries evident on his disfigured body made me grimace. As I ran over to help my former antagonist I kept asking myself what in the world he was doing here.
~~~
Please review! Next chapter- Faith. And in chapter 10 we get more of Lindsey
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