Chapter 7- Dawn
I was somewhat relieved when the music was turned down and I was allowed to flop onto a seat, finally raising my sore feet off the floor. My breathing was labored and my skirt was sticking to my legs, damp with sweat. I poked my head over the top of the seat and saw Xander slouch past and sit beside Giles.
It hurt to think about Anya. She was such a bubbly, lively person. She wanted to live, and she gave everything- even too much information- to try and fit in with the rest of us. She just wanted to be human and I don’t think anything could have squashed the life from her smile when she was happy.
She didn’t deserve to die. No one did. But it was over. And I was alive. And so was Buffy. Life was beginning to look a lot brighter. I glanced up when I heard my name called. Buffy slid into the seat beside me after I removed my feet, saying that Giles had offered to take over driving.
"So you may as well get comfortable," she said. "Because we won’t get there until tomorrow."
I laughed, glad to see her joking like she did before we came to Sunnydale. Back then she had always been laughing and joking, although most of it was to impress her friends or potential boyfriends. But sometimes I had slipped into her room after mom and dad had gone to bed, and we would stay up late talking about everything and anything. Those memories would have been treasured, if they had been real. But they weren’t; they were just a slide show of pictures and sounds and feelings that I had never experienced, but had been placed into my mind. My mind, and everyone else’s.
It didn’t hurt to think about that much anymore. I realized now that I was a real human being. I could bleed and cry and feel pain just like everyone else. Despite being three years old (it was kind of funny when you thought about it) I knew I was real. And that was mainly thanks to Spike.
If it wasn’t for his awkward comforting I don’t think I would have made it through those few months. He had helped me through the pain, the confusion and the bitterness. I know I should have spoken to Buffy about what I had been feeling, but with trying to discover what I was and what Glory was going to do, I hadn’t felt that she needed the excess worry. So, it had been Spike I had turned to.
Spike. I still hadn’t digested it yet. I still couldn’t believe that he was gone...forever. He wasn’t gone for a few months, like the summer after Tara’s death, but forever. Like forever-ever.
"What are you thinking about?" Buffy asked me, and I realized I had been chewing my lip like I always do when I think.
"Spike," I replied, feeling the tears welling in the corners of my eyes.
"Oh, Dawnie." She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I rested my head on her shoulder and released the tears, letting them stream down my cheeks silently. "Shhh," she hushed. "It’s okay, Dawn, he’s okay."
"D-do you think," I choked out. "That he went t-to Hell?"
I could feel her shake her head vehemently. "No, Dawn. Do you really think the Powers That Be would send their champion to Hell? After he saved the world?"
I shook my head slowly, allowing her to stroke my hair. "N-No."
"Exactly. He might- he is in Heaven, and he’s happy. He’s probably up there now, watching you and shaking his head saying, ‘Bloody Nibblet, I saved the world for her and she repays me by spending her life soddin’ crying’."
I made a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob when Buffy converted into an English accent that sounded exactly like Spike. I felt a tiny bit better at the concept of Spike being in Heaven.
"And he’s probably been arguing with whoever is listening about being forced to wear white," Buffy continued with a small chuckle, "Can you imagine it? Spike wearing white?"
I smiled and closed my eyes as I sank further into Buffy’s embrace. It was a funny picture, and I felt a warm flush flow through me at the thought of Spike arguing with his curses and pet names. I used to love hearing his voice, listening to him speak of nights that he had had with Dru. They were often scary and usually gruesome tales of his adventures, but I hadn’t cared about the material. I had only cared about the fact that he treated me as an equal, not as a fragile teenage girl.
And then Glory had gotten to him, because she thought that he had been the key. He had been tortured to an inch of his un-life because Glory had thought that he was the key. All because of me. That was when the feelings of guilt had begun, and they had become stronger and more painful every day. And then Buffy had died. Had I felt guilty? I hadn’t felt anything but guilt. She had died to protect me and let me live a life that shouldn’t have even been mine.
I shook my head to clear my mind of the gloomy musings. That part of my life was over, and now all I had ahead of me was the rest of my life. I knew that it wouldn’t be normal, my life would never be normal, but at least it looked a lot brighter than it did a year ago. There was one thing I needed to know before I could let go of the past though, so I asked her.
"Buffy, did you love him?"
She was silent and I wasn’t sure if she would answer. I felt her body tense, and then relax as she sighed.
"Yes, I did," she answered finally. "I did love him, Dawnie. I don’t think it was...real love, but it was close. Maybe if he hadn’t...no. This was how it was meant to be. Yeah I loved him and he loved me, I know that now. But us, it was never meant to be. You know I tried, right?"
I pushed myself out of Buffy’s embrace and straightened, gripping her arms tightly in my fingers. "Of course I do. I saw how you treated him sometimes, like he was one of the Scoobies. He appreciated it, Buffy, he did."
Buffy nodded uncertainly. "I-I told him before he died that I loved him. He said he didn’t believe me. Do you think...?"
"Yes," I replied firmly, wiping away the tears from my cheek. "Yes, he knows."
"Thanks."
We sat there, hugging, for another few minutes, but then she excused herself to speak with Willow. I watched her go, thankful that she had put my mind to rest about Spike’s fate. I should never have doubted that he would make his way into Heaven. He was just too stubborn to settle for anything less.
I found my thoughts wandering back to the last conversation I had held with him. Just moments before everyone had crammed into the bus, he had pulled me aside, and we had sat on our front porch while he smoked his last cigarette.
"You know not all of us will make it, don’t ‘ya Nibblet?" he had said, exhaling smoke into the crisp morning air. I had nodded in response, not trusting my voice to speak.
He had sent me a sad smile. "If I don’t make it..."
"You will!" I had interrupted. "Don’t say such things!"
"If I don’t, I want you to know that I love you." He had avoided meeting my gaze and stared straight ahead. "You were the first to worm yourself into my unbeating heart. You were like the little sister I never had during those times, and....and I want to say thanks. God, I sound like a soddin’ ponce."
"Spike, I don’t want to say goodbye..."
He had grabbed me forcefully by the arms and stood up, dragging me with him. "But you will have to, Dawn, ‘cause it’s not bloody likely that I’m gonna survive today. Don’t say anything. Just remember me as the Big Bad whenever you think of bringing a boyfriend home. I’ll be straight back here, haunting his ass away from you, right?"
I had laughed and he had unexpectedly pulled me into a tight hug. It had been Xander who had interrupted us, saying that it was time to go. That had been the last time I had touched him. And I hoped he hadn’t been serious about the boyfriend thing, because that could become an issue.
I fell asleep, thinking of his last words.
"If you ever have to make a life altering decision, just do the opposite of what I would have done. You’ll thank me for it."
~~~
I knew Dawn would take Spike’s death hard, but I also knew that she was strong. She would remember him until the day she took her last breath, and I wouldn’t want anything else.
She’s sleeping now, and I know that she is dreaming of him. I see her smile softly and I can’t help but wonder what made her do so. Maybe it was the memory of one of Spike’s witty retorts or a memory of before he was chipped. I remembered the night when he came to me with an offer of help to stop Angelus. Dawn had been hiding on the stairs, listening avidly to our conversation.
She hadn’t even asked about being the Slayer that night when Spike had left. Spike had been the only thing she was concerned about. I recalled her eager questions about who the ‘yummy rock star’ in the living room was. After that night she had followed me around with nagging questions about when the blonde dude would be visiting. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that he was a cold, heartless vampire. And thank God I didn’t, because I know that I would have regretted it now.
He was a hero. My champion.
And as I slid into the seat beside Willow, I felt my heart jump at the thought of seeing another champion- the world’s champion- soon. Very soon.
I pushed the thought from my mind and lowered my head only inches from Willow’s. Then I told her of my plan.
~~~
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