SCENE 7: Library
[Next day. Willow and Xander remain silent while Giles scolds
Buffy.]
Giles: I thought we agreed to leave this matter to the police. [He
paces, both angry at Buffy for unnecessarily risking her life and
curious at what she discovered.]
Buffy: I'm sorry Giles. It was a nice night, you know. I went for a
walk... and well I just happened to come by the school, so I
figured... [shrugs her shoulders.]
Giles: A likely story. [Shaking his head] What am I going to do
with you?
Buffy: [Turning on the charm] Come on, Giles. I'm OK, the school's
OK -- I didn't even burn down anything. And I learned a lot about
our invisible friend.
Giles: [He cannot resist.] What? You mean you saw him?
Buffy: Well, he was invisible. I just saw his gun. Wicked-looking
thing.
Giles: [He is softening up.] Really. What else did you learn?
Buffy: Well, he was hiding where I thought he would be, up by the
catwalks. I must have spooked him, because he took off and jumped
over me to get at the exit.
Giles: Didn't you try to block him?
Buffy: I missed.
Giles: [Astounded] You what?
Buffy: I dove for him, and I missed.
Giles: Either you are getting rusty or our invisible friend is as
agile as you.
Xander: Hold on a sec. More agile than Buffy? Buffy could eat dough
and make a pretzel out of it. I don't buy that explanation.
Willow: He's right. Buffy is really limber in gym class.
Xander: She could peel a potato with her...
Buffy: Enough of the food analogies! I know I failed to catch him,
but that's not the worst part.
Willow: What do you mean?
Buffy: After he got to the roof, [gesturing with her arms stretched
ahead of her like Superman] shoooom.
Xander: He was... 'shrooming?
Buffy: No, I mean he took off like a bird or something -- more like a
rocket.
Willow: [Her imagination going wild] That is not good.
Buffy: Majorly not good.
Xander: Since when can humans sprout wings and fly?
Giles: [He retrieves a book from his office] A human couldn't do
that, of course. Summoned creatures are an entirely different
matter.
[He flips open the book and turns to a page with descriptions and
illustrations of various ghoulish creatures.]
Giles: Behold, the winged monkey. *This* could fly as you described.
Xander: What, we're talking Wizard of Oz now?
Giles: Roughly speaking, yes. They aren't that large, but they are
intelligent creatures with considerable strength and agility.
Willow: Oh, I-I don't think I'll watch that movie again. Ever.
Buffy: But *invisible* flying monkeys? Come on Giles, were they
ignored into nonexistence by their flying monkey friends?
Xander: It's good to know I'm not the only one who can't get a date.
Just me and the invisible flying monkey boy.
Giles: It's not that simple. We could be dealing with any number of
things: spells, potions, re-animated dead...
Buffy: So some witch resurrected her favorite pet? [Shuddering]
Ick.
Willow: I thought witches only had black cats.
Giles: There are many types of witches: some with black cats, some
with revenants raised from the dead, [pointing to his book] and
according to this, others prefer the winged monkey.
Willow: Did I mention I'm never going to watch the Wizard of Oz
again?
Xander: Maybe this is a stupid question, but where exactly do you
get flying monkeys? I haven't seen any at the pet store lately.
Giles: [Casting a stern glance at Xander, he puts on his eyeglasses]
It says, [reading from the book] "Although caution should be
exercised when approaching any practitioner of witchcraft, the
servants of Ghedera are relatively benign. With the summoned
creatures from the lair of their Master, half-bat half-monkey flying
beasts, they retrieve the souls of those sworn to Ghedera. If
confronted, the witch-servants will protest ignorance; if cornered,
they will flee without combat, as their Ghedera has decreed. Their
Master is very clear on this point in the tedious instructions given
to them."
Xander: [Sarcastic] What, does he publish a manual? [Jesting with a
high-pitched croaking voice, holding up an imaginary book] You too
can become a follower! Call now!
[Giles closes the book and turns it to present the front. It has an
old, worn, leather cover with faded lettering: "Studies on Ghedera:
Her manual revealed."]
Xander: [Surprised] Well, there you go. There's a manual for
everything these days.
Giles: [He points to the book] This one you will not find at your
local book store. It took more than twenty women to infiltrate
the...
[Xander raises his hand.]
Giles: [Slightly annoyed] What is it?
Xander: [Glancing at the other books in the library] Do you have a
manual for one of those flying monkeys, 'cause I'm wondering, do they
eat bird seed or monkey chow?
Willow: [Rolling her eyes] Xander...
Xander: Or maybe a mixture of both...
Buffy: Why would a [imitating Giles' accent] 'relatively benign
witch' train her monkey to fire a handgun? At people, no less. I
mean, sharpshooting is a fun diversion, but wouldn't a peaceful witch
teach it to play the accordion or something?
Willow: Maybe it's mad at the witch, and it's, it's on strike, you
know. It could happen? I'll shut up now.
Xander: I'll tell you one thing: [disgusted at life on the
Hellmouth] While staring into my Wheaties this morning I didn't plan
on talking about a renegade invisible flying monkey going postal with
a handgun.
Giles: [To Willow, trying his best to ignore Xander] That is highly
unlikely. These sort of creatures have undying loyalty to their
summoners. A rebellious witch is the more likely possibility.
Buffy: [Sarcastically] Fine. So we just round up all the servants
of Ghe-what's-her-name and get the witch-gone-bad to confess. That
should take, oh, five or six months?
Xander: Can I say something here?
[Scene cuts to hall outside the library. The Buffy gang continues
their conversation, muffled by the door. The hallway is empty of
students (it is outside the library, so...). The familiar killer .45
pistol floats to the circular windows of the library door. We get a
better look at it: it is scratched and slightly rusted with time. It
slowly turns, pointing the barrel towards Buffy and the others, as if
looking for something. Moving down the hall, it floats gently up to
the ceiling and enters an air conditioning duct near the library
doors.]
[Cut back to inside of library]
Giles: Alexander! [Scolding] No self-respecting witch would ever
submit to that!
Xander: But haven't you ever wondered?
[Willow disengages from the discussion as she notices movement in the
air conditioning vent behind the checkout counter. She can't believe
her eyes: a menacing handgun is poking its way through the grille
cover. It gets snagged for a moment, but the grille buckles and it
continues on through.]
Willow: Uh... [still in shock, we hear what she hears: a loud
heartbeat growing stronger and faster, the mumbled words of Giles and
Xander arguing. Her heartbeat reaches a climax and her tongue breaks
free.]
Willow: Behind you!
[Buffy whirls around, ready for combat. The others look just in time
to see the pistol clear the grille.]
Buffy: Spread out! Let me handle this. [She takes out a stake from
the small of her back.]
[The pistol floats over the counter. Willow bolts for the exit, but
stops at the bookshelf closest to the main doors. Xander hesitates,
trying to think of a way to impress Buffy with his bravery. Giles
backs away along the rim of the table, looking for cover. The pistol
alternately "looks" at the four of them with the barrel, first at
Giles. When it turns to Xander, he abandons any foolhardy plans with
a fearful gulp. When it turns to Willow, Xander rushes to stand in
front of her, shielding her body with his. The pistol then turns to
Buffy.]
Giles: Be careful. We don't know what he wants.
Xander: Somehow I don't think he wants to play pat-a-cake.
Buffy: [Readying her stake] Start the barbecue, Giles.
[Buffy hurls her stake like a spear. It passes right over the gun
and sticks in the wall beyond the counter.]
Xander: [Still guarding Willow] Come on! *I* could do better than
that!
Buffy: [Dumbfounded] It passed right through him! I *know* I didn't
miss!
Giles: Don't startle him. No sudden movements...
Buffy: [Exasperated] I tried to shish-kebob him! Now you tell me.
[Still in a combat stance, she eases forward towards the gun.]
Buffy: [Whispering] Giles, throw me your jacket. Quick!
[Giles quickly peels off his wool jacket.]
Xander: [Whispering to Willow] Why is she whispering?
[Buffy, now with Giles' jacket dangling at her side, bends her knees
and judges the distance to the gun, now floating just in front of the
counter.]
Willow: [To Xander] Is she crazy?
[Buffy flings the jacket like an expert pizza tosser up and over the
gun. The gun moves forward to evade, but the back collar catches the
hammer. The gun rotates to aim at Buffy, carrying the jacket with
it. The trigger pulls back, but the hammer cannot fall onto the
firing pin since it is obstructed by the jacket. Again and again the
trigger clicks, trying to fire a round.]
[Buffy performs a bullet-evasion lambada dance until she realizes
that the gun is disabled.]
Giles: You've done it!
[Buffy leaps to grab the gun, but it points the muzzle to the ceiling
and rockets up at an incredible speed. It smashes through the roof,
all the way to the open sky above. It sends a shower of drywall,
insulation, wires, and other debris falling to the library floor.
Buffy picks herself up and the others stare at the 12-inch jagged
hole with their mouths open.]
Buffy: Well *that* was different.
Giles: [To himself] I don't understand....
[Xander walks under the hole to verify that it went completely
through the ceiling. Some debris shifts, sending a thin ray of
sunshine pouring into the library. This shifting also sends another
handful of dust pouring down. Xander forgets to close his jaw and
accidentally takes in a mouthful of dust.]
Xander: [Spitting out dust] What in the hell happened?
Willow: You saw it -- he just punched right through the ceiling.
Giles: [Relaxing, cleaning his glasses] This much is certain: that
was no flying monkey. I think I know what we're dealing with. [He
returns his glasses to his face and struts confidently to his office,
but he's interrupted by the entrance of Principal Snyder. The
Principal carries several bundles of orange fliers under his arms.]
[Giles stops abruptly, nervously trying to act as if everything is
normal. He runs a hand through his hair in frenzied thought,
searching for a "rational" explanation for the ceiling hole.]
Giles: Good afternoon, Principal Snyder. What can I do for you?
Principal: Mr. Giles. I'm distributing these fliers for the.... [He
looks at Willow, Xander, and Buffy, then his gaze slowly rises to the
hole in the ceiling. The others grin nervously.]
Principal: *What* is that?
Xander: It's a hole... [He wipes his mouth. He still has white
dust on his lips and chin.]
Willow: Just a hole... [Nervous laughter]
Buffy: I think it was... uh, a-a meteor. We had them all the time
at my old school.
[Principal looks at the floor. We see that it is undamaged.]
Principal: But there's no hole... [his eyes shift to each of them
again]
Xander: Yeah there is. [He points to the ceiling.]
Principal: [To Xander, very coldly] ...in the ground.
Giles: Yes, well it's a most peculiar phenomenon: the meteorite
vapourizes in the impact, leaving no trace of itself. Ha ha, so you
can see that we were most fortunate to escape unharmed. *That* is
the most important point.
[The Principal looks at the hole, and grimaces at the mental tally
he's making for repair costs.]
Principal: [Still coldly as always] Of course. I'll have the
custodian take a look, probably a steam pipe explosion. Odd... since
I don't believe this school *has* steam pipes.
[Principal dismisses the matter. He places a bundle of fliers onto
the counter.]
Principal: These are fliers for the anti-violence assembly scheduled
for tomorrow. Attendance is mandatory. I will not have this school
overrun with guns, knives, and other vicious instruments of...
lawsuit.
[Buffy glances at her stake, still firmly planted in the wall behind
the counter. She smiles extra hard and bats her eyes to divert the
Principal's attention. He notices her flirting, and is about to
speak (perhaps on the school's policy concerning sexual harassment),
but he's interrupted by another shower of debris from the hole --
this time Giles' coat comes with it. It falls from the hole and
flops onto the floor. It is covered with white drywall dust, bits of
fiberglass insulation, and a few wires are sticking out of the
sleeves. Buffy, Xander, and Willow cringe, fearing that the
Principal will demand an explanation.]
Giles: [Feigning surprise] So *that's* where I put my coat.
[Giles retrieves his coat, dusts it off with a few quick swipes, and
dons it as if nothing were wrong. Smudges of white dust cover his
neck.]
[The Principal begins to back out through the library entrance,
giving each of them suspicious glances.]
Giles: [Indicating the fliers] Right then, I'll post these
immediately. [Bits and pieces of drywall etc. are dropping from his
jacket.] If there's nothing else... [a wire jutting from his sleeve
lazily pokes at his cheek.] Principal? Principal?
[The Principal has left in a hurry, leaving only a squeaky swinging
door in his stead.]
[END PART 3/5]
