Here's the story, Of a guy named Syko, Who wrote a really crappy Buffy fic! It starred all the Buffy characters, Even that little skank called Faith.
Here's the story, (What rhymes with Syko?), Of how he got away unsued! He gave a disclaimer, He didn't own em, And the WB left him all alone!
Till the one day when WB met this fellow, And they knew that it was much more than a hunch, That the two, would somehow sue each other, Then they all got over it an had lunch!
The Syko Lunch! The Syko Lunch! That's the way they all ate The Syko Lunch!
NOTE: In my story, none of the main characters besides Snyder have died. The big evils have, too, leaving only a few vamps like Spike, Dru, and some others. Also, Faith got over her "Buffy this, Buffy that" phase.
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Part One
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On the eve of the seventh year of the millenium, two-thousand and nine, Buffy and her pals were just hanging out in the library. They were celebrating in a small way, but they were still there. Oz's werewolf self was acting up. He was always turning to a werewolf on New Years' Eve, and when he did, he was stronger than any other time: he actually had the power of thought on his side when he was an "Eve-Wolf," as Giles called it. He had explained to the group that the moon of New Years' Eve was stronger than any other moon, full or not. Actually, he'd used a globe and a pointer, but the message had gotten across.
"I wish Oz would just chill," Willow said. "He knows he can't be let out."
"But he also needs some meat," Xander said. "T-Bone time." Xander took a T-Bone steak out of a Coleman and tossed it into the cage. It was a single bone by the time Xander blinked.
"So, Giles, any big scary evils coming up??" Buffy asked. She and Angel were bored with fighting evil. Just last week, they'd had to fight a big scary evil with four razor-sharp-heads and a huge tail. All they really wanted to do was chill.
"None that I know of," Giles offered. "The prophecy books only go up to the millenium. I guess the Prophets Order didn't think the world would go past two-thousand one. Eighth century people were like that."
"Whoopie," Angel said. His head hurt--Oz had escaped earlier that night and rammed his head into a wall.
Spike looked right at his Mental Patient lover like he'd never seen her before. Dru was still beautiful--vampires never aged--but she was insane, too. She was sure the prophecies would tell her how to invoke the Spirit of Humala into every non-Slayer being on Earth. True, it seemed like a funny thought, but she was so out of her skull she hadn't looked at the logic--if there weren't humans, who would thet feed on??
"Takera mulata, sumash, babula, coa din!" Drusilla said, waving her arms like a lunatic. Nothing happened. Dru began to pout. "Spike?? The mean old god won't come out and play!"
"Let me see that prophecy book, Dru," Spike asked gently. She gave it to him, allowing her David Bowie-ish man to see if he could figure the spell out. He muttered to himself for a few seconds. "Hey, Dru--did you see this part about the fur of a werewolf?"
"No," she pouted. "Read it to me."
" 'And the fur of a changeling shall defile the unclean ones, causing chaos and blood to flow.' " He closed the book. "Only changelings that weren't exterminated in the 60s are werewolves. I know a werewolf--last of his kind, too." He grinned. "You'll get your Flaming Hell soon, pet."
The next day, Oz was walking home from band practice with Willow, his favorite girl. He had an important question on his mind, and now seemed like a good time to ask her. He got down on one knee, which was a proper way to ask.
"Oz?" Willow asked, a little scared. "What are you doing??"
"Uh..." He'd lost all his nerve at that moment. "I dropped my...pick."
"Your pick?"
"Guitar pick."
"Oh. Well, let me help you look." She bent down and accidentally bumped heads with her boyfriend. It hurt, but they laughed. Oz looked at her pretty little face--as American as apple pie, baseball, and the big hairy evils--and knew he had to ask her.
"Will you--"
At that moment, five vampires jumped out of a bush and landed in front of them. They knocked Willow to the ground wih a kick that almost killed her. Then, they grabbed Oz and started running with him. But Willow would not let them take her boyfriend like that. Not when she could take the vamps out with a rage incantation.
"God Mars, work thy will! Pierce the hearts of the demon workers!" she intoned, a funky green light surrounding her body and rotating in her eyes. Instantly, each vampire stopped. Willow could almost see the way their black hearts stopped working--again. Their hearts literally exploded in their chests, blood pouring out of their bodies. They exploded into dust, their death cries pitiful and weak. Willow ran to her honey and helped him up.
"What was that all about?" Oz pondered.
"I have a bad feeling that somebody's gonna answer that question."
At the library, which the gang had been using since 1997, Giles was doing something he hated with all his heart--using the Internet. He was at a place that only the secret society of Watchers knew about--http://www.WatchingU.com, the official headquarters for the Watchers. It had been made mandatory for the site to be made when the Internet was created. There was a place to compare previous Watcher diaries, a game area (of all places), and a Chatroom. Buffy almost fainted when she saw Giles's screenname--SW-BookWorm. The SW meant Slayer's Watcher.
After a few minutes, Giles had found out what he'd needed to know. "The Book of Deshuman Gorem tells of the religions of all vampires. One particular religion is known as The Humala Sect. Humala is a god to all vampires. Apparently, it's been prophesied that he will return in this year. All that the Watcher who had a copy could find said that he loved the fur of werewolves--he used it as a way to, uh...get a buzz."
"So this cult wants to use Oz as a marijuana plant?" Buffy asked.
"In a sense, yes. But they can't do it until the end of the month, when he becomes a werewolf again. However, they will try to get him until that time, doing everything they can to get him. We'll have to protect him at all costs."
"I have my chains at home," Oz suggested. "Should I chain myself every day?"
"Hmm..." Willow said, though not in an intellectual sense.
"Yes. However, for the sake of hormones, I suggest that Willow not go near you when you're in those chains." Giles, of course. Willow immediately began to pout.
"Don't worry, Oz," Faith teased. "We'll protect you from Willow." She thought for a second. "But, you know, much tempting, a guy in chains..."
"Do I need to make YOUR heart explode too, Faith?" Willow threatened.
"No, that won't be necessary," Buffy said. "I'll keep Faith at a safe distance from your man."
"I printed out the rest of the text. None of us could decipher it," Giles added. "It's in a very old language--Archaic Yaemish. Maybe somebody good can figure it out before somebody evil does."
"Mr Optimism," Xander laughed.
On January 30, Oz was a little bit agitated. He was mutating into a werewolf, but it was slowly--not to mention painful. For the life of her, Buffy couldn't figure out why.
"How long has he been going?" Faith asked her fellow guard.
"Almost two hours," Buffy said. "Oz, you want some Tylenol?"
"Tylenol would kill me," Oz reminded his friend. "Dog-being, you know."
"Oh, yeah."
They heard a knock at the door. "Oz?? You in there? It's your aunt!" a female voice called.
"Hey, a relative!" Faith said. "Come on in! Door's open!"
"No! You idiot! Not my...not my..." Oz tried to say through gritted teeth. A female vampire stood behind Buffy and Faith holding a bottle of chloroform.
"Not his aunt," she said. She dropped the chloroform to the ground, rendering Buffy, Faith, and Oz unconscious. She began to drag Oz out of the room., snickering to herself. Drusilla would be pleased, thank God. When Dru wasn't pleased, wasn't nobody pleased.
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