All characters in the story belong to Joss and company. I decided to tackle with the 'what if Angel turned back' scenario. This is my own story so feel free to email me with comments, likes, dislikes, etc.
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Part One
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Buffy stood on the dock, looking over the river. The water seemed so peaceful. It was an opaque black. She tried to penetrate it but there was nothing to see. It was a sea of nothingness. It was odd that her one night off would lead her here. There was nothing for her here except memories. Memories that now seemed like a dream. It was a fantasy of yesterday.
She started walking closer to the ship, dragging her hand along the roped off boundary. It was strange to think that nearly nine months ago she had been standing here, here where Angel had given her a ring. A ring that represented his friendship, his loyalty, his love. But things had changed drastically.
Buffy knew what vampires were capable of, after all that was why she killed so many of them every day, but she could never have guessed that Angel could be worse than that. Angelus was more terrifying than any vampire she had ever had to face. And for a long time, Buffy believed sincerely that the only way to assure her safety and her loved one's safety was to kill him. She had to find the strength to kill him forever. That was the one thing Buffy had not been sure she was capable of.
But that a disk, a yellow disk, had been found revealing every secret to Angel's soul's salvation. And Giles, Giles who now hated Angel with every part of his body, had helped her restore a soul that was not well deserved. After all, Angelus had killed Giles's one true love. That was something not easy to get over. Ever.
Buffy didn't know what to do. The look in Angel's eye were so familiar when he changed back. It was the look of the vampire she had fallen in love with. It was the look of the Angel she had wanted to be with forever. But at that instant, exhaustion had taken over her body. She was tired. Tired of fighting vampires, tired of burying people, tired of watching change take toll over the people she cares about. Buffy felt the need for a new start. She loved Giles, Willow and Xander dearly but she needed to get away. For how long, she didn't know.
She looked at her hands. These hands had put up with so much. They had killed, loved and saved. They were strong but how much more could they handle?
Buffy dropped her hands to her sides and heard a sound. She looked down and watched one of her rings roll away from her. She stepped forward quickly and caught it before it could fall in the crack of the boardwalk. She picked it up. It was the claddaugh ring.
Should she continue wearing it? It was a symbol of something dead. Something that could never come back. Buffy wasn't even sure what it represented anymore. Something within her told her to not put it on her finger anymore. A new voice said to throw it away. Throw it away and never look back.
Buffy looked at the water. If she threw it in, even if she wanted to, she could never see it again. This was what she had to do. She stood by the ropes and held the ring loosely in her hand. She tossed it back and forth between her hands. Maybe it would fall like that, by accident. Why couldn't she just throw it in. Why was it so hard?
"What are you going to do?" a voice asked from behind her. She turned around abruptly, startled by the company. It was Xander. He looked so tired too. She could never forget how he had stood by her those months. Those emotionally draining months.
"I don't know." she answered. "I didn't think it would be this hard."
"He's not the same guy you knew, Buffy." Xander stated. Buffy looked at him and smiled weakly.
"You said the exact same thing to me once before." Buffy sighed. "And you're right. He isn't."
"I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better, Buff, but there isn't anything I can say." Xander looked like he was going to cry. It made a few tears roll down her cheeks.
"Don't say anything, Xander. You have done enough for me."
"Not nearly enough. I could do more."
"Like what?"
"I could have killed him for you." Xander looked at her squarely. "None of this would have happened. If I would have staked him in the beginning, you wouldn't be in this position now."
"Don't dwell on what ifs, Xander. They will drive you crazy. I should know."
"Buffy, I won't allow you to blame yourself for everything that has happened. Fine, Angel joined his home team. He killed some; we lost some. But that is like every other battle we have fought. You are the slayer, Buffy. You have ordained duties. But everyone slips. Angel is an obstacle. Only you can choose what to do now. But don't choose to torture yourself." Xander put an arm around her shoulder.
"What do you think I should do?" she looked at him curiously.
"Uh, Buffy, you sure you want me to answer that?" Xander smile started to reveal itself. "I mean, my opinion will be extremely biased."
"Fine then. Do you think I should let go?" Buffy looked at the ring again. Xander removed his arm from around her and gently took the ring.
"Angel, the real Angel you love, gave this to you." Xander looked at it diligently. "This is a sign of what you two once shared." Buffy cringed when he said "once shared". "You may never have it again, Buffy. If you keep it, it will remind you of something good." Buffy looked at him surprised.
"You think I should keep it?!"
"Let me put it this way: if I had what you and Angel had and it went sour, I would like to think that there was something from that time I had that would allow me to cherish it forever. Besides my memory." Xander looked at her compassionately. "You will know what to do, Buff." He carefully kissed the crown of her head. "I have to go. Cordy is waiting for me. Beep me if you need me." Buffy nodded slowly. She watched him march down the dock.
Buffy gripped the ropes again and felt something slip out of her hand. She watched the ring drop into the water. She couldn't even see where it had gone.
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