Buffy just stared at Tara. She had heard every word the young witch had said, but they just made no sense to her. She could almost hear the sound of screeching tires in her brain as her thoughts just . . . came to a halt. The past couple of weeks -- her breakdown in front of Tara, her birthday, the news about Faith, her confrontation with Spike, and now Dawn being Called, and this . . .
Without even realizing she was doing it, Buffy leaned over and put her arms around Spike. There was no conscious thought in the action; it was as automatic as breathing. The only thought in her head was that she needed something, someone to hold onto, or she would lose her mind.
Spike looked down at Buffy as she held him tightly. It's a good thing I don't need to breathe, he thought idly. She's holding on so tight she'd probably suffocate a human.
He looked up at Tara. "I need to take her up to bed. For rest," he added, as she gave him a look. "She's . . . I hope this wasn't the straw that broke the Slayer's back."
Tara nodded. "Do you need any help?"
Spike gave her a wry look. "Not with this little lady. Strong as as a lion, but she doesn't weigh more than a feather. But I'm gonna need your help with them," as he motioned toward the other room. "I think they're gonna need to know about this. All of this."
Tara's face fell, and she said, "But she made me swear not to tell them. I think she might've told Willow, but . . . Dawn? And Xander? She's afraid of what they'll think of her."
"I know. After . . . the first time, she said she'd kill me if I told her friends about it, and I think she really meant it." Spike gazed down at the tiny blonde. He was so used to thinking of her as Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer, the strong-willed, powerful young woman who had confronted him so many times -- usually with her fists. It was still astonishing every time he saw the frightened, vulnerable girl that lay beneath the fearless heroine. He put his arms around her, and picked her up. She never let go of him, but buried her face in his chest. He felt wetness, and realized she was crying.
"Tell her to blame me if she gets angry at you later. I hope she doesn't stake me for it, but she thinks being a bloody 'superhero' means she isn't allowed to be human. Right now, she needs her friends to know what she's going through more than she needs 'em to look up to her as the Almighty Slayer."
Tara looked at him silently for a long moment. Two pairs of eyes met, pale gray and intense cerulean blue. Then finally Tara said, "T-that's . . . um, very p-perceptive, Spike. I think . . . Buffy isn't the only one who changes when you touch each other . . . is she?"
Spike gazed down at Buffy again. My soul. Buffy has my soul. The implications were still too much for him to absorb. "Maybe," he murmured.
As he carried Buffy out of the room, just two things were clear to him. Buffy needed him right now. She needed support, comfort, and strength. And right now, with the quietly weeping blonde in his arms, he felt like he could put aside the lust and hunger of the demon inside him, and just be what she needed.
Maybe this is how Angelus felt when he got his soul. But for me, it's not a curse.
It's a blessing.
He vaguely heard Xander's voice coming from the living room as he carried Buffy to the stairs. "Hey! Dead Man Stalking! What are you doing with Buffy?"
He heard three female voices -- Tara's, Dawn's, and . . . Willow's? -- telling Xander to back off.
He ignored it all. He just carried the woman he loved more than his own life up to her own bed, where he laid her down gently, and let her pull him down next to her. And for a long time, they just lay there, not moving, not thinking, not talking.
Just being.
Together.
As the whole story of Buffy's involvement with Spike was unfurled, with various parts being narrated by Tara and Willow -- and occasional commentary from Dawn -- something else began to happen. For the first time in recent memory, the Scoobies started to put their differences aside. Confronted by the extraordinary revelations of the day, and the impending threat of the prophecy of which Giles had warned them, none of them had time to think about the problems that had driven them apart since Buffy had come back.
Xander summed it up best. "Buffy may have been inviso-girl for only a day, but I feel like I've been missing what was right in front of me for months."
Willow shrugged. "I went through the same thing when I was getting involved with Tara." She half-smiled sadly at the blonde, who was curled up on the couch with Dawn. "I wasn't sure what was happening between us, and I felt like I couldn't talk to my friends about it, because I was afraid what you'd think of me. And it ended up hurting Tara, and Oz. And me."
Tara added, "It was even worse for Buffy. She knew there was something wrong with the way she was feeling. But she couldn't explain it, and she was so disgusted and ashamed for turning to Spike that she was afraid to ask for anyone's help. And I . . . I made things worse, by telling her that the spell hadn't changed her. I was so sure everything was okay. And then she had a complete hysterical breakdown right there on the floor.
"When I went to Spike . . . I never told him, or Buffy, but I had a backup plan. I had a pencil in my pocket." She gave Willow a significant look.
Willow's eyes widened suddenly. "My levitating pencil trick?" Tara nodded. Willow's face crumpled a little as she asked, "You were going to . . . kill him?"
Tara's mouth firmed. "What Buffy was doing to herself . . . it was killing her, a piece at a time. And Spike wasn't helping at all. If I'd thought he was doing it all on purpose . . . if he had been willing to turn Buffy's heart inside out for his own gratification . . . yeah. I would've killed him. And prayed that Buffy could heal herself without him." She sighed, and laid her head back on the couch. "I'm just so glad I didn't have to do it. Especially now -- I think Spike is the only one who can make her whole, now."
Xander snorted, and said, "Okay, we have now reached Infinite Improbability Drive." Then he looked up towards Buffy's room, and softly said, "Just don't let her fall this time, Spike."
Coincidentally, a similar metaphor was going through Buffy's mind, as she recovered herself enough to turn and face her vampire lover.
"You caught me," she said, almost in wonder. "I was falling, I couldn't take it anymore . . . and you caught me."
"More like you grabbed onto me and wouldn't let go, Slayer," Spike told her.
"No, Spike. Don't . . . belittle what you did for me. What you've been doing for me, all this time.
"I never . . . When Mom got sick, I tried so hard to be strong, hold myself together for her sake, and Dawn's, I never let myself rely on anyone else. Especially Riley. I never let him . . . comfort me. Be there for me. So he left me. Just like An-" She stopped abruptly, and looked gultily at Spike.
"You can say it, Buffy. It won't kill me."
"Angel. He left me, too. But the worst was Giles. He left me right when I needed him the most. He was like a father to me. And just like my real dad, he left me." She laid her hand on Spike's cheek. "You were the only one left, the only one I felt like I could turn to . . . who didn't want me to be anything but me. Buffy Summers. And you took whatever I gave you, meaningless sex or verbal abuse or even a couple of black eyes . . . and you still stood by me."
Spike stopped her a moment. "Don't make me out to be better than I am, Buff. I may have wanted to be there for you, but it was a dream come true for you to be with me, in my bed . . . or wherever we happened to be," he said with a slight chuckle. Then his face went serious again. "If it hadn't been for Tara, I'd've never known how much you were really hurting inside."
Buffy gave him a smile. "She told me what you did for her, and Willow."
He looked stunned. "She saw me? Bugger me! I've got to work on my sneakiness, if a lovestruck junior witch can spot me."
Buffy squeezed his hand, hard. "The point is, Spike, that I let myself fall, and you caught me. Then, and now. Just now, I lost it, completely. And inside, somehow I knew that you would take care of me.
"And you're willing to help my friends. And help take care of Dawn." She fell silent a moment. "Spike?"
"Yes, luv?"
"Please . . . promise me you'll never leave me?" she whispered.
Spike smiled at her. "You know I'd never leave you, Slayer. Even when you were trying to push me away, I couldn't-"
"Please, Spike." Buffy said desperately. "No jokes. No evasions. I know you'd never break your word to me. So promise me you'll never leave me."
Spike stared at her for a long time. For a second, she thought he might not actually do it. Then he said, "Buffy Summers, Slayer, I give you my word, on my unbeating heart and on my soul which you apparently carry within you, that I will never leave you."
Buffy had to blink away tears as she felt the final walls between them dropping away. It felt like a weight she'd been carrying for years had suddenly been lifted off her chest. And she said, "Catch me, Spike."
"What?"
"I'm falling. In love with you." And she kissed him.
Since that musical, magical night in the alley behind the Bronze, there had been kisses between them that were more passionate, more fiery. But this kiss was special, because it was the first one to have what the others lacked.
Love.
Joy.
And hope.
Some time later, Buffy and Spike came down to rejoin the Scooby Gang. Both of them were surprised when it was Xander who came up to them and said, "Thank you, Spike. For taking care of her."
They looked at each other in surprise, and then Buffy said to her old friend, "You're okay with this, Xander?"
He shrugged. "I don't like Spike. He doesn't like me. I think we're both happy with that state of affairs. It's a very comfortable dislike." He gave the vampire an impudent grin, then turned back to Buffy. "But he loves you. And so do I . . . in that big-brother best-friend-in-the-whole-world way we were talking about earlier today," he added as he glanced at Spike and Anya, to make sure they weren't about to gang up on him.
"Plus, I just found out Spike did this incredible good thing for my other best friend in the whole world," he said, glancing at Willow and Tara. "So, yeah, I'm cool with this." Then he turned to Spike and added, "The day you hurt her, though, I reach for a stake."
"And if you ever hurt her, I'll come after you, chip or no chip," Spike said with a glare.
Xander nodded. "I can deal with that."
Later, when everyone was settled in, Buffy insisted to Tara that she had to move back into the Summers house. "If there's something big enough brewing to warrant a prophecy and a transatlantic Giles call, then there's gotta be a big bad demon out there somewhere," she said. "I don't want anyone isolated. So please, we'll go with you tonight to collect Miss Kitty and some clothes, and we'll get everything else in the morning."
Tara looked over at Willow. They stared at each other in silence. Then Willow smiled slightly, and said hesitantly, "I've missed . . . Miss Kitty. I would love to have her around again."
Tara nodded. "Sh-she's missed you t-too." She turned back to Buffy. "Okay. Miss Kitty, some clothes . . . and one or two books. I need to figure out how to complete the spell."
Xander said, "That's the one thing I don't understand about all this. I kinda get the whole soul-recall business: Spike lost his soul when he was made into a vampire, it floated around in this Ether thing for a century or so, and the Watchers cast this Recall spell, and the soul came back to be reborn as Buffy. Weird, but I got it. But why did that screw up the resurrection spell?"
Tara answered, "We were calling Buffy's soul back to her body. But even though we were at Buffy's grave, the soul had two bodies to which it had . . . a connection. An attraction."
She looked thoughtful. "I think Buffy got the whole soul, or else she wouldn't have come back to life. She would've been a zombie, or something like that." She shuddered, and so did most of the others. "But it's like the spell is only half-finished. Unless she's actuallly touching Spike, she's not whole. Complete." She glanced sadly at her friend. "I guess we were lucky that out of all the vampires in the world, Buffy had the soul of one who felt something for her."
Buffy said, "I don't think it was just . . . luck. Spike and I have always had this strange connection -- even when we were enemies, there was always something between us. He could always . . . understand me. And we were so evenly matched. Fighting him was like shadow boxing."
Spike nodded to her. "That's exactly it. Like I was facin' a soddin' mirror image. Only prettier and usually wearing peach-colored lipstick." He smirked, and most of the gang chuckled.
Anya said brightly, "I bet each of you knows exactly what the other likes in bed, too!"
Xander closed his eyes briefly. "Okay, Ahn. I'm doing my best to be civil about this. I didn't need that image right now."
Buffy said dryly, "Neither did I. But even while I'm trying to forget it . . . I have to wonder. What does all this mean for . . . our relationship?" She turned to Tara. "Does this mean that after all the problems I've had with guys, I've fallen in love with myself?" Then she squeezed her eyes shut, and dropped her face into her hands. "Did I really just say that?"
She didn't hear anything. So she peeked through her fingers. Tara was grinning at her. So were Dawn, and Willow. And then Anya joined in, and, after one slight roll of the eyes, Xander. And he was the one who said, "Yep. You said it. L for Lordy, O for OMyGod, V for Vavavavoom, and E for 'Everybody . . . loves somebody sometime.'" The end was delivered in a very bad Dean Martin imitation.
Buffy shut her eyes again. "Guys, you can make fun of Buffy the love-struck Slayer later. Right now I need an answer."
Tara shook her head. "I don't know as much about this as . . . Willow?" She turned to the redhead. "Can you help us out, here?"
Willow's forehead wrinkled. "I don't know-" she began.
Tara smiled reassuringly at her. "Come on, Willow. I know you can do this. After all, you cast the spell on Angel. And you're the only other person I've ever heard of who's been in a situation like this."
Willow brightened. "Oh! Yeah! And ewww, for reminding me," she said with a shudder. Then she looked thoughtful. "Actually, that does help. I remember that I got all hung up about how vamp-me behaved and being kinda gay, and so forth, and you, Buffy," she looked at her old friend, "started reassuring me that the personality of a vampire isn't anything like the personality of the human who was turned. And Angel started to say something, and you stopped him." She gave her a mock angry look and a pout.
Buffy blushed. "Sorry. I didn't know what he was going to say, but I didn't think you needed to hear it at the time."
Willow said, "Well, I did go back to Angel, not long afterward. He said . . . hmmmm." She looked up at the ceiling as she searched for the right words. "A person is kind of like a balloon, filled up by their soul. When the person becomes a vampire, the soul is taken away and the balloon is filled by the demon, but the balloon tends to hold the same shape. So the demon becomes, like Buffy and Spike were saying, a mirror image or shadow of the original soul."
Spike chimed in, "But that's only what happens with certain vampires. Angelus explained it to me when I was first turned. Some personalities are too weak to handle the change. The demon just takes over completely, with no intelligence or vestiges of humanity. Breaking the balloon, to use your image, Willow. They become minions -- no more than animals."
Willow nodded. "Master vampires are the ones that have intelligence and some remnants of their old personality. But that personality is twisted, with subconscious desires brought out into the open, and no conscience or morality."
Spike said, "Not quite. I think a soul is what gives you . . . sympathy. The ability to put yourself in a stranger's shoes. I feel something for Buffy, because I know her. But some bloke that I meet on the street? He's nothing to me. Not a person." He looked over at Buffy, who was looking strangely at him. "At least, that's the way it was. I don't know anymore."
Buffy asked hesitantly, "What about . . . Angel himself? I mean, Angel and Angelus seem so different. "
Spike said, "I don't know why, but I know now that Angelus is a special case. Remember the Judge?" The old-time Scoobies shuddered at the memory of the demon Spike and Drusilla had reassembled. "I know, I didn't like him much, either. And believe it or not, he hated Dru and me. Said we stank of humanity, because we cared for one another. But he liked Angelus, once he lost his soul. He said Angelus was 'clean.'"
Willow's eyes widened. "You mean even when you were completely evil, you had some real human feelings? But Angelus was pretty much pure demon? I'd love to do some research on that-" she started to say in an eager voice. Then she stopped herself. "Um . . . maybe I'd better save that question for another time."
Anya yawned. Then so did Dawn. Xander said at that point, "I think we've all wrung our minds out as much as we can for one evening. I think I'd better take Anya home, and table this discussion until opening time at the Magic Box. Donuts on me, since I don't have to be in 'til noon."
Buffy nodded. "I'll walk Tara over to her place and help her get her things."
Willow said, "I can come along . . . but I think Spike should stay with Dawn. As you said, Buffy, there's a bug-ugly out there somewhere. We should try to keep one good fighter around at all times."
Dawn said, "Hello, remember? Me, new Slayer? Whup-ass, the Next Generation?"
Spike glared at her. "Don't get too big for your knickers, Niblet. You've just started your training. You're fast, but you're not up to full Slayer strength yet; it must take time for it to build up. Even a couple of minions could probably take you down, and something that rates a prophecy would look on you as little more than an appetizer."
Dawn grumbled, but didn't protest further.
Buffy was discreet enough to give Willow and Tara time to talk if they wanted it. She was waiting just outside the door, "watching for baddies." So it was up to the witch and the hacker ex-witch to find Miss Kitty Fantastico and gather the other essentials from Tara's room.
The hardest part -- other than the emotional issues -- was actually finding Miss Kitty. As Willow had warned when Tara first suggested getting a cat, pets were not allowed in dorms, and there were occasional inspections. So Willow and Tara had devised a spell to make Miss Kitty . . . sneaky. She couldn't become invisible; it was more like she was hard to notice. But if she didn't want to be seen, she wouldn't be seen. And hide-and-seek with Willow and Tara was one of her favorite games.
In the midst of searching the bed for the elusive cat, Willow suddenly said to Tara, "I didn't want it like this."
Tara gave her a hesitant look. "Like what?"
Willow bit her lip, then continued. "I didn't want to push you into coming back until you were ready. If you were ever ready. I didn't want you to feel like I had just . . . forgotten what had happened. What I'd done to you."
Tara looked down at her feet. "Oh." She was silent for a moment. Then she said, "I didn't want it like this either. I had it all planned."
Willow's breath caught in her chest. "Had what all planned?"
"What I would do. When I was ready." She looked up at Willow with a small smile. "I was going to find the biggest, most 'extra flamey' candle in Sunnydale. I was going to show up at your door. And I was going to explain that even though I had to get away for a while to deal with what happened between us . . . " And she walked over to Willow and put her hands on the redhead's arms, and continued, "I would've said I wished I could've been there for you when you were going through the withdrawl. And how proud I am of you that you made it.
"I can't forget what you did, Willow. But I can forgive you. And I do."
Willow's eyes began to tear. "You mean?"
Tara gave her a slow smile. "I mean."
Later, after they had retrieved a playful Miss Kitty from under the bed and were heading out of the room, Willow said, "You know, you could still show up at my door with a candle, if you like . . . "
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