THE BOOK OF DAYS
‘If it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.’
Giles ‘Innocence’
Part Ten: The Beach
###
It was a quiet fortnight, punctuated only by the departure of the two agents. Scully, who had accompanied Buffy to the doctor one last time the morning before they were due to fly out, found herself dropping into the library on her way back to the motel almost without thinking about it. The school was dead and deserted in the high summer heat, posters curling on the walls where direct sunlight stole their colours and their clarity. She found Giles in his office, sitting straight backed in his wooden chair, studying a large old book that was laid out on his desk.
He saw her coming out of the corner of his eye, and gestured her to sit on the couch.
‘Coffee?’
‘I can’t stay long. I just wanted to come in and...say goodbye. I hope I haven’t interrupted your study.’
‘No, no, not at all.’ He looked back down at the book. ‘I thought I better...this is the Chiliastic Manuscript, a book of millennial prophecy, one of the most overlooked texts in the collection. Until now, that is.’
‘It’s important?’
‘Perhaps.’ He looked up at her briefly. ‘You took Buffy to the doctor?’
‘Yes, for her six month checkup, it’s a little early, but she wanted it done before I left. Joyce had to work this morning.’
‘And it’s healthy?’
‘Fine. Quite a big baby. She had an ultrasound.’
‘And did she find out about...’ Giles had the air of a man who didn’t really want to know but at the same time couldn’t bring himself not to ask. Scully felt a sudden wave of sympathy for the Watcher. Girl baby - prophecy, boy baby - dream portents. It was hard to know which was best. She drew a deep breath and put him out of his misery.
‘It’s a girl. Buffy thought knowing might set her mind at rest. I don’t think it has.’
Giles sighed deeply and pushed his chair back, leaning on the backrest. Scully saw that the uneven leg of the desk had been shored up with a tattered copy of D.P Mannix’s ‘The History of Torture’ and wondered, not for the first time, at the wisdom of some of Giles’s research texts being included in a high school library. When Giles spoke, his voice was infinitely sad.
‘Neither Buffy nor Adriana have spoken to me, or each other, since Angel’s death. I expected maybe a few days, but not a whole week. Adriana is just overwhelmed, I think, because of the magnitude of what she channelled, but Buffy....I don’t know. She wants to know what it all meant, but she’s not ready yet. She has always wanted a normal life.’
Scully nodded. ‘Believe me, I know what you mean.’
‘But given prophecy, and what I read here, takes away any possibility of that for her or her family - forever.’ He sighed again.
‘And you represent that for her?’
He nodded at her perception. ‘Yes. And I’m willing to cope with that for as long as she needs it. But it does hurt.’
She nodded. ‘I really can’t imagine how bad this is for her. It’s just...under all the confusion, and the sorrow, I get the impression she’s actually quite happy.’ She placed her hand to her forehead. ‘That didn’t really make sense, did it?’
‘I think I know what you mean. I sensed it myself while Angel was sick. Truly, I don’t think she knows how she feels.’
‘She’s only young, just give her some time, now that you all have time to give. Having Adriana here should help.’
‘Yes, I should think so.’
Scully stood and swung her handbag back over her shoulder. ‘Rupert - thank you for your hospitality, and for the experience to learn..a lot...to change my outlook. It’s hard to admit that I’ve been blind, to so many things, for so long. I thought that this would really undermine me, but it hasn’t. And I know Mulder thanks you too.’
‘And I must thank you for your help, both of you.’ He looked at his watch. ‘What time does your flight leave?’
‘We fly out of L.A. at six, so we’re leaving here in an hour or so. I think Mulder’s a little impatient to leave. He’s not used to holidays.’
‘No, well, neither am I. And I can’t foresee any in the near future. Genevieve and I are determined to restructure the Council. Willow has offered to be our ‘technology adviser’. She’s determined to improve communications.’
‘You may have to learn to use a computer.’
He smiled. ‘I shall put that off as long as possible.’
He stood, and walked with her to doorway. ‘Thank you again for your help.’
‘You’re welcome. Please stay in touch.’
‘We will. Do I have a phone number for you?’
She gave him an amused smile. ‘Willow has my email address.’
###
Late one morning a week later, Giles walked into the library to find Buffy sitting at the main table, reading, her feet up on a chair. She stood as he entered, shutting the book quickly and putting it aside.
‘Giles! I didn’t know you were coming in today!’
‘I..I left some things here I wanted, so I thought I’d come in to pick them up. Buffy, how did you get in? Did Willow give you her key?’
She looked a little sheepish. ‘I um, came in the back way, through the stacks. I had to encourage a few of the locks open..but...’
‘You broke in?’
‘You’re angry?’ She pouted slightly.
He placed his briefcase on the table. ‘No, no, I’m not angry with you.’ He sighed, and sat down. ‘Buffy, I just wish you would talk to me.’
She looked down, silent.
‘Buffy..’
She walked out from behind the table, and for a moment he thought she was going to leave. Then she turned towards him and spoke, so softly he could barely pick out her words.
‘Giles, I..I’m sorry. I knew a week ago that this was stupid, but I didn’t know how to get out of it. Pretty dumb, huh?’
‘It’s alright Buffy, I understand.’
She spoke louder now. ‘I guess I didn’t want to know what you had to tell me about what happened just..just before Angel died.’
‘And do you now?’
She nodded, then shook her head quickly. ‘No. I don’t know.’
It’s up to you Buffy, but you will not be able to ignore it completely. I would be negligent in my duty if I let you.’
‘I know.’ She sounded sad. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not ready yet. Give me a week or two. Right now, I just want to make sure we’re okay. Are we?’
He nodded, leaning forward to open his briefcase, pulling out a book, which held out to her. ‘We’re fine. When you feel ready, you can start by reading chapter ten of this.’
She took the book, placing it down on the table. Seeing the look on his face, she burst into tears surprising both of them. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s alright, Buffy. Everything’s going to be fine.’
He stood and reached out to her as the sobs continued to wrack her body.
###
‘It’s only been a few weeks. I cry a lot too.’ Willow’s face showed her concern, but her voice was light. ‘Giles, she’s going to be fine. It’s not like she’s not talking. She talks to me, she talks to Adriana.’
‘She even talks to me now.’ Joyce added. ‘I’m finding it a little strange, and sometimes I feel a little ashamed - she’s so perceptive, and so much more mature than I thought she was before I found all this out.’
The three of them were sitting at the Summer’s dining room table, eating coffee cake and drinking iced tea. Giles had asked to talk to the two women about Buffy, and Joyce had sent her and Adriana clothes shopping in an effort to get Buffy to buy some decent maternity wear. Armed with a credit card and Adriana’s boundless enthusiasm, Joyce had dropped them off at the mall with instructions not to come back until after lunch.
‘And I’m glad she is talking to you all. I just want to make sure you think that she’s coping alright with everything that’s happened.’
‘I think so.’ Willow bit her bottom lip. ‘Giles, you can’t expect her to just get over it straight away. Buffy loves Angel. You know that. Whatever else happened, that’s still true.’
Joyce pushed another piece of coffee cake towards him. ‘As well as that, she’s pregnant. Her emotions are all up in the air. When I was pregnant with Buffy, I was a wreck. She’s doing a lot better than I did. She’s only seventeen, and she’s scared. It’s perfectly natural.’
‘She just needs time. We all need time. In three moths, the baby will be here, and things will change again. The best thing you can do, Rupert, is just give her your support.’
‘Yes, well I have been trying. She’s running very hot and cold towards me, but I have thought of something I can do for her. Willow, I’m going to need your help.’
‘Okay!’ Willow leaned forward, immediately eager. 'Research? Shopping? I'm not much good at shopping.’
‘Not, not shopping. Just a little research.’ He gave her a smile, and reached for his glass. ‘I need you to show me how to turn on that computer.’
###
Buffy dug her bare heels into the sand as she stared out through the dark to the invisible horizon. At this late hour, the beach was deserted. She had taken to coming here in the evenings, now that Adriana had completely taken over the patrols. The fresh air and the solitude helped her think, and although she carried a stake with her, just in case, she had never felt anything but safe there.
She had swum, stripping down to underwear when she was absolutely sure no one was around, revelling in the feeling of the water around her, like liquid satin. The water was warm, and she had felt weightless and buoyant, staring up at the stars that were scattered across the sky.
Then she had returned to her towel and clothes on the beach, dressing and leaving her hair free to drip down her back. Somewhere in the distance, someone was playing ‘I Remember California’ by R.E.M, the haunting sound quiet, a background to her thoughts. She had been sitting for almost half an hour, listening to the music change, when she heard the sound of a familiar car pull up in the car park. She smiled, and waited for her company to join her.
‘Is this seat taken?’
Buffy looked around to see her Watcher standing a few metres away, smiling at her almost shyly.
‘No, just me’n junior here. Have a seat.’ She patted the sand beside her and Giles sat down awkwardly, rather constrained by his suit.
‘Your, ah, your mother told me I might find you here.’
‘Yeah, well, I’ve been trying to keep her Buffy-updated. I’ve got a bit of a new perspective on why she worries about me so much.’ She rubbed her stomach and shifted into a more comfortable position, arms behind her propping her up. ‘Funny thing is, she would never have let me out like this before...not at night alone like this.’
‘Well, she’d never seen you fight before.’
‘Tell me about it. She’s like one of those heavyweight boxing coaches. She’s started handing me a newly sharpened stake before I leave the house at night. I’ve been able to keep Adriana supplied as well.’ She smiled ironically. ‘All I’ve really been carrying is this.’ She pulled a stake out of her right sleeve. It was long and twisted, almost corkscrew like, and sharpened to a wicked point. ‘Mr Pointy. Mulder pulled it out of evidence for me. I feel safer packing this one - it’s almost like Kendra’s fighting with me.’
‘That’s..that’s good. We..we could probably get Willow to perform a blessing on it if you like.’ He watched as Mr Pointy disappeared back up Buffy’s sleeve. ‘Buffy, I..I came down to give you something. I know you’ve been reading some of the past Watcher’s Diaries, and that’s alright with me, but I know there’s a lot in there that you may not want to show your daughter, at least until she’s old enough to truly understand. So I thought I would give you this.’ He reached into his inner jacket pocket and pulled out a book. It was leather bound and Buffy recognised it as identical to those in which he faithfully kept his own diaries. She accepted it curiously and placed it in her lap. The leather was warm, lightly grained, and gave a weight to the book which made it not just a common ledger, but a thing of beauty. She opened it and began to read the close lines of Giles’s precise script, beginning with a date.
11.45p.m. April 15 1997
The concept of a vampire with a soul is a strange one to me, unprecedented. But it seems Buffy has come across such an unusual creature, a male vampire named Angel (see Angelus - ‘the one with the angelic face’ sired 1753, Ireland. Nathaniel Miles’s Watcher journal vol. 2 1771-1776). I don’t know what will come of this foreign alliance, but knowing Buffy it won’t be run of the mill......
She flicked through the pages until she came to the last entry. Her birthday.
....and once again Angel has proved his worth by offering to take the arm overseas. Buffy and he are meeting the ship at the moment. I know this separation is going to be hard for her, and without Angel’s presence we are deprived of both an effective warning link, a very useful fighter in times of trouble, and most of all, a friend....
She looked across at Giles, not speaking the questions she wanted to ask.
‘I kept a separate journal about our dealings with Angel - in a professional capacity, of course. In the old times, Watchers used to call it a ‘Book of Dayes’ - the idea was that you kept a record of any meeting or interaction you have with any particular vampire in order to know their habits better. I have one for the Master, for Spike, for Drusilla, for some of the lesser demons in the area. Angel’s is...very different.’ He smiled sheepishly. ‘I never told you about it, I had a vague sense you would think I was disturbing your privacy, in a way. That you would be angry.’
She shook her head, silent, and shut the book, placing it on the sand beside her.
‘You will find that everything in there is positive - except maybe Xander’s insistence that Angel almost let him get bitten when Spike invaded the school...anyway, it’s all there. And, ah, since Angel..passed on, I have taken the liberty to find out what I can about him before he was sired. I got lucky with some church records that had been digitized. Willow helped me with the computer side of it and..ah...well, what we found is in the back of that book. Name, birthdate, baptism and first communion records, siblings, ancestry back as far as his great-grandparents with their records as well - occupations and suchlike. They were a wealthy family or there would not have been so much information available.’ He shut up, seeing the tears welling in Buffy’s eyes, and reached for her awkwardly, hugging her to him. ‘Sssshh, it’s okay.’
‘Just thinking too many thoughts’, she answered, sniffling. ‘Thank you. Thank you Giles. That is the best present anyone has ever given me. Except..you know..the baby...’
He smiled as she straightened and reached for the book. ‘Test my memory - what do you want to know?’
‘Angel never told me how old he was - you know, really. He said I didn’t need to know.’
‘He was born in January 1728. Two hundred and seventy years ago. His demon was sired in 1753, making him twenty-five. He was twenty-five when he died. Not really all that much older than you...’ Giles gave her another sad smile.
‘There’s so much I don’t know about him. Apart from this, I don’t have much of anything. One of his shirts, a jacket. The ring he gave me.’ She frowned. ‘The pictures were Angelus’s. I burnt them. Not much else. Memories. And the baby. I don’t think I’m really feeling it yet, but......’
Giles watched her sadly as she placed the book neatly on the sand beside her. ‘Buffy - your mother and Willow and I have been talking. I hope you don’t feel that that is an intrusion into your privacy. We all care for you very much.’ She shook her head, mute again.
‘Both your mother and Willow feel that you are doing well, that you are coming to terms with everything that has happened steadily, and in your own time. I do realise it has only been six weeks since Angel’s death, and I am inclined to agree with Willow and your mother. But I do need to know what you think. I need to know if you require anything - any help, anything. Because although I _do_ think that you are coping, I know that there is something else wrong. Call it a Watcher’s sixth sense. Call it anything, but..I..I..in fact, all of us, need to know that you aren’t putting up a false front.’ He took off his glasses and pulled out a handkerchief, giving them a nervous polish.
Buffy looked down at the sand for a long minute, then without looking up, began to speak slowly.
‘Am I coping? I don’t know. At the moment it just seems like such a long time since things were normal - and by normal I mean going to school during the day and hunting Angelus at night. I had gotten to a place where I could accept that, I could accept that the Angel I loved was gone forever. I missed him, and it was hard, but I was there. I was even starting to not blame myself for what happened. Angel and I loved each other, and neither of us new the consequences, what would happen. So it wasn’t my fault. I felt both you and Mom thought I had been irresponsible, but....you both forgave, and I started to forgive myself. And now even Angel has forgiven me....he said there was nothing to forgive.’ Her tears were coming freely now, and Giles took her hand.
‘But then, when Willow and I found the restoration curse - well, because I had accepted things, I was more confused than relieved. I didn’t know what should be done. But there was that certain hope, that irrational hope that I could have things back how they were. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t want that anymore. Something changed. Even when Angel returned, I didn’t dream of playing happy families. And now he’s dead, and I don’t know whether to be relieved, or sad, or happy that he’s no longer suffering and that I got to say goodbye. But most of all I’m just frightened. Scared out of my wits’
He squeezed her hand. ‘Frightened? Frightened of what?’
‘Not of...more like frightened for. For the baby. I don’t know what. If I knew, I’d be able to fight it, to fight for her, somehow. She has so many strikes against her already. I still don’t understand the whole prophecy, it just seems too harsh. What Adriana said....I know she - or whatever she was - was talking about the baby..and when I think of something going wrong, I’m so angry and frightened and fucked up I can hardly breathe.’
Giles was silent a moment, then turned to look her straight in the eyes. ‘Buffy, God knows I’m no expert on this, and I assure you I don’t mean to be flippant, but I think you just perfectly described early parenthood.’ He chuckled, and was pleased to see her smile slightly. ‘You know as well as I that there are no guarantees to anything. And you also know that your job is a dangerous and thankless one. I’ve felt more this year that you have truly accepted your calling as Slayer...’ she nodded ‘..which actually lessens your danger...I don’t know...I believe I’m trying to say that things will be alright, but I don’t know how to go about it. I just know that you are surrounded by a group of people who love you very much and would do anything to help you. The prophecy surrounding your daughter is one we will be able to be prepared for. And you, of all people, should know that prophecy is fluid. You were prophesied to die, and you did - but it wasn’t what we all thought. And, as for this particular prophecy, take heart. It is not all negative.’
‘It still means she won’t have a normal life.’
‘Then we must make it normal for her. And we will all do our best, Buffy.’
She wiped at her face with the back of her hand. ‘Thank you. I’m sorry I’m so...’ She smiled. ‘Hormones.’
He returned her smile and they were quiet for a time.
‘Ow! Hey!’ An odd look passed over Buffy’s face and then she smiled. ‘She’s kicking. I started feeling it about a week ago but she’s only been doing it late at night when I’m trying to sleep and things are getting boring for her. Hey! Cut it out!’ She rubbed her stomach, then lay further back on her elbows. ‘She’s getting stronger all the time. Only two and a half months to go. I’m starting to feel like a whale.’
‘If she takes after you, you’ll be very bruised by the time she’s ready to get out of there.’
‘I can handle it. Here.’ She grabbed her Watcher’s hand and placed it on her stomach. ‘She’s still going. Feel that?’
‘I...I..yes, yes I do. Oh - that’s quite extraordinary. It feels so strong.’ He removed his hand and looked at her seriously. ‘Buffy, I..I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. You’ve been through a lot since you came to Sunnydale - more than most Slayers have to deal with in their whole career. And you’ve come through it very well. I just wanted you to know that I feel privileged to be your Watcher.’
‘Oh, Giles. How sweet.’ Her voice was mocking and amused, but he could tell she was secretly pleased.
‘Yes, well - thank you for once again making fun of me.’
‘I’m sorry.’ She gave him a serious look. ‘I’m privileged to be your Slayer. Oops. That sounded like something I’d say to a vampire before I dusted him.’ She giggled. ‘I know, I’m completely not attached to my brain. But I mean it.’
Beside her, the Watcher stood up, brushing the sand from his suit pants. ‘Thank you. Well, I..I...how about we go and join Willow and Xander for that coffee?’
‘Yeah, we better go, before someone sees me hanging out at the beach with a librarian. Last year’s freshmen already think that we’re having some sort of affair.’
Giles raised his eyebrows. ‘Do they? I don’t know what that’s doing to my reputation around school.’
She gave him an amused smile. ‘Well it’s sure as hell not doing anything for mine. There’s already going to be enough talk when school starts back. I’m pregnant, remember! ‘ They both laughed aloud, the sound carrying across the deserted beach.
He held out his hand to her and helped her to her feet. She picked up her shoes, then arm and arm they walked up the beach, their trail of footprints melding with all the rest, to be later washed away by the tide.
###
End of Part Ten
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