As Buffy sits in our room, sipping one of Tara's soothing herbal teas and telling her story, the same thought keeps going through my head, over and over.
I should've known.
I've known Xander Harris for about fifteen years. I've seen happy Xander, sad Xander, goofy Xander, dead-serious Xander, and everything in between. I should've been able to recognize guilty Xander.
Hey, what he's going through isn't that much different from what Buffy did when Glory grabbed Dawn. Except the part where Buffy went catatonic 'cause she couldn't deal with her guilt. While Xander . . . Xander's cutting himself off from us on purpose. To punish himself.
God! He's a wonderful guy, but sometimes I just wanna give him a good kick!
And Buffy! Why did she run off on Xander like that? She could've called us up, had us all come over to do a little intervention on him or something. But no, she panics and comes running to us for help!
Suddenly Tara reaches over from next to me, takes one of Buffy's hands, and . . . tugs the illusion ring off.
God! I was sitting here next to her all this time, and never realized! It was Buffy sitting here crying her eyes out, not Buffy-wearing-Faith's-face. She was wearing the illusion ring at Xander's, and she got so freaked she ran all the way here without even realizing she had it on!
I'm so shocked I almost miss Tara's question, "Is there something you're not telling us, Buffy?" She sounds like she's expecting something specific. What's going on here?
Faith-Buffy gets this guilty look on her face -- an expression I'd never expected to see on Faith's face -- and she takes a deep breath. "I went over to Xander's tonight to say . . . to tell him . . . " She stops, and she's blinking away tears! What the-? "I went to tell Xander that I thought I was in love with him."
Oh. Oh. Oh God.
And Tara's just nodding, like she knew what Buffy was going to say! "Did you?" she asks.
Buffy shakes her head. "No. After what he said . . . God!" She laughs bitterly. "Y'know what convinced me I love him? When he told me to go away, leave him alone . . . I felt my heart breaking. I knew right then. I knew I was completely in love with him. I wanted to go to him, comfort him, hug him . . . kiss him. And I couldn't." She lays her face in her hands, and sobs quietly.
Oh. Now I'm beginning to get the picture. "Because you were afraid you'd only make him feel more guilty," I venture.
She doesn't look up at me, but she nods a little.
Oh God, what a mess!
I turn to Tara, and ask, "You knew?"
She shrugs. "I suspected. Even after we talked Buffy through the whole 'I took Anya's body' guilt trip, I felt there was something else going on. I wanted to say something, but you've known Buffy and Xander longer than I have -- I thought you'd've told me if you'd noticed something strange."
I shake my head. "I never noticed at all. I've been so wrapped up in school, and Scooby business, and magic, and you . . . " I smile at her, and think for the zillionth time how grateful I am to have her back. She was only . . . away . . . for a couple of days or so, but it seemed like an eternity in Hell, seeing her like that. Months later, I still have nightmares about that day in the park, watching Glory do . . . that to my Tara.
Tara snaps me out of my reverie. "We've got to do something, fast. Xander opened up to Buffy tonight -- right now is probably our best chance to get through to him."
"But how?" I ask. "I don't think going into Xander's mind is going to help him the way it helped Buffy. He's not catatonic, he's just . . . being stubborn!" I finish helplessly. "And with Buffy, I could tell her, 'Snap out of it so we can go save Dawn.' But Anya really is dead; Xander can't do anything about it. So how can we get through to him?"
Tara suddenly gets this look on her face, and I feel my heart speed up. She's thought of something! "We can't . . . but Anya can."
WHAT?!?!
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