A Revealing Dream
~Title: A Revealing Dream
~Author: LuckyStarz
~Summary: Buffy has a dream about Spike, but what does it mean? Will she figure it out in time?
~Chapters: 4
~Rating: PG-13
~Pairings: Buffy/Spike
~Category: Drama/Romance
~Spoilers: Mostly up through "The Gift" and a little beyond.
~Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. I borrow them for my own enjoyment.
~Email: PunkPrincess41@insightbb.com or spikeslove15@yahoo.com
~A/N: Hey, thanks again to everyone who reviewed! They’ve really helped and they make it so much easier to write! Keep ‘em coming! Also, I would like to apologize for any confusion in the last chapter during Buffy’s dream. Throughout this story I will tweak everyone’s words in order to make this story original. I’m also usually only using parts of episodes, so again they will be changed to fit my story. So, again sorry for any confusion! Hope I cleared everything up and I hope you enjoy this next chapter!
Anne K.
Chapter Three: The Spy
Her mind was working double-time. She had made a *horrible* mistake coming here, and he’d caught her. There were no words to describe her actions because not even *she* understood her wacky impulsiveness. But she had to say *something*. He was waiting for her to speak. She could feel his eyes burning into her back.
Come on, think! You’ve lied to your sister, your best friend, and your Watcher in the last 72 hours. It shouldn’t be too hard to lie to Spike.
Spike waited patiently for her to explain, a humorous grin on his face. He had gone out only a few short hours ago to get his usual pint of blood from the butcher. She had been in his thoughts the entire time, which was why he ended up getting home a little later than normal.
As soon as he was within fifteen feet of his crypt he could smell her. The faint perfume she wore and the natural feminine smell of her skin and hair lingered in the air. He had figured she was out patrolling, and as he walked he’d debated whether or not he should go out and help her. When he reached his crypt and still hadn’t made a decision, he realized the scent had grown stronger.
Curious, he’d stepped into his home and was greeted by a fresh wave of her intoxicating fragrance. He’d hastily put the blood in his refrigerator and climbed down the stairs. He was half expecting her to be poised with a stake in her hand, ready to dust him. What he saw shocked him to the core.
She had been curled on her side, tucked neatly underneath the clean white linen. Her golden hair was spread in wild disarray over the pillows. Her lips were slightly parted; her breathing deep and even.
He’d taken a few steps closer to watch her as she slept. She twisted and moaned, clawing at the sheets like a wild beast trying to get out of a cage. He remembered with a smile the strong urge he’d had to gaze into her hazy, heavy-lidded eyes as she awoke. He’d tried to wake her by softly calling to her. She’d responded by flipping onto her back and in her sleep crying out his name.
Had his heart been beating, he knew it would’ve skipped a beat at that moment. She was dreaming about him! The thought was so incredible he’d gone completely speechless.
Now, here she sat, blushing with her back to him, embarrassed that he’d caught her.
“Planning to answer me tonight then, luv?” He asked, cocking his head to the side.
Buffy flinched at his voice. She couldn’t think of what to say to him. She’d forgotten why she’d even come to see him in the first place. The heat from her cheeks crept down to her neck, turning it a bright scarlet. She continued to chew on her lower lip, hoping that some excuse would magically pop into her head.
Spike continued to watch her, amusement etched plainly on his features. It was quite humorous to see the big tough Slayer, who always seemed to have some scathing remark, at a loss for words. He had seen her embarrassed before; that wasn’t new. Normally when she was backed into an uncomfortable situation, such as this one, her defenses were raised several degrees. It seemed to him the more on edge she was, the better her snappy come-backs were. In fighting especially, her words and her fury gave her fire. Now, she was just a scared little girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
He chuckled. She can kick the ass of any nasty that walks into town no problem. I catch her in my bed and suddenly she’s all tongue-tied.
Her jaw clenched and her muscles tightened at his laughter. He was *enjoying* this! Here she was, frantically trying to make up some dumb excuse to save her ass, and he was laughing at her!
She turned to face him and gave him an icy glare. All thoughts of her recent discomfiture were pushed to the back of her mind. Her Slayer attitude was back, and it was off.
He noticed the sudden change in her behavior a little too late. His body was sprawled on the ground, having been forcefully pushed off his own bed by a furious Buffy. He struggled to get up, his limbs suddenly feeling very wobbly. When he was finally on his feet, he stared at her with disbelief. “What the bloody hell was that for?”
Buffy glowered at him, her eyes shooting daggers. She was standing in front of his bed, slightly crouched in a fighting stance. Her face was a mask of rage. For a while she simply stood there, waiting for him to fight back. When he didn’t move, she straightened, lifted her head haughtily in the air, and turned on her heel.
“Buffy!” Spike called after her, but she was already heading up the stairs. He hesitated a second and then ran after her, swiftly climbing up the stairs just in time to see her disappear out his door. His mouth opened to call her name again, but she was gone. He stood in front of the door, watching her stomp off into the dark. He leaned against the frame and dragged a hand through his hair.
That went well, he thought and mentally kicked himself. He sighed heavily and closed the door, wondering absently how long he had before she charged back in and staked him.
Remembering his blood, Spike opened the refrigerator and grabbed the brown paper bag. He pulled out the container of sticky red liquid, twisted off the top, and gulped down a third of the contents. The bones in his face shifted, the demon part of him fighting its way to the surface at the bitter, copper taste. He closed the refrigerator and carried the container to his armchair, plopping down onto it with a soft grunt.
Nursing the container of blood, Spike’s thoughts wandered to the glorious night he’d spent with the Slayer on the very chair he now sat in. He could remember every little detail about that night. In his mind’s eye he saw her above him, her eyes melting into gold fire, her lips parted and her head thrown back as she gasped for breath. The image of her was branded into his memory.
He could still feel her damp skin, pressing against his and then pulling away; giving and in the same breath resisting. He rubbed his hand over the plush of the chair, trying to get rid of the sensation. It stayed with him, glued to every fiber of his fingers.
He inhaled deeply, the tantalizing scent of her invading his nostrils. She was floating all around him, tempting him to take her, but drawing back at the last moment. She invited him in, beckoning sweetly until he followed, then threw him out and buried her feelings. She wouldn’t let him see her...the *real* her.
For a few brief moments spaced far apart, her shield fell away and he could see raw emotion building in her. She never let that cover on her feelings slip all the way off, however. She kept it clutched tightly to her, clinging to it as if her life depended on it. She was afraid to let him see how strongly he was affecting her.
Spike frowned and set the container on the table. He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes. The demon within him retreated, smoothing his face into its human form. He was so confused. One minute, she was kissing him and everything around them stopped. It was just the two of them. The next minute, she was pushing him away and blaming him for everything that was happening between them. She knew it wasn’t all his fault, but blaming him made it easier to deal with herself.
The funny thing was, he didn’t care who she blamed or how it happened. When she was in his arms, his world was perfect. He wasn’t a demon when she was near. For those few moments when she freed herself from whatever restraints were holding her back, she treated him like a man. She seemed to forget what he was then, and everything evil in him disintegrated.
He opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Why was it so hard for her to admit what she was feeling? He knew exactly how *he* felt, and he’d made sure she knew it too. Did she think it was easy for him? He had tried his hardest not to love her. He’d tried to hate her, to kill her, to make everything miserable for her because she could make him feel this way. But he couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. He finally had to admit that he didn’t *want* to do it. All he wanted was to be with her.
A low growl emanated from his chest and he stood up and began to pace in frustration. He couldn’t figure her out and it was driving him insane. She swore she didn’t love him, that she could *never* love him. The words ripped at his insides and made him feel sick every time she said them. But then she came to him in the middle of the night. She kissed him and wrapped her arms around him. She did things to him he never would have imagined, and she let him do things to her he had only dreamed about. There was no way she could still hate him and yet be so intimate with him.
And what about the dream? She had never said his name like that, even in the throes of passion. In her sleep, she’d said it with longing and pain; two feelings he was becoming very well acquainted with of late. Something in her dream had made her call out his name like that. Then again, what could you tell from a dream anyway?
He gave a short laugh as he remembered dreaming about her the first time. “Oh god, Buffy, I love you so much.” He grabbed her and pulled her to him, ravaging her mouth with a savage kiss. That’s when he’d woken up. He’d jolted into a sitting position, bathed in cold sweat. Harmony was asleep beside him, blissfully unaware of the torment that wracked his body. All he could do was stare ahead of him and mumble, “Oh god, no” as thoughts of the Slayer whirled inside his mind.
That dream was one of the first signs pointing out his feelings for Buffy. After that he’d gone to more extreme measures: stealing bits of her clothing, building a shrine to her, and who could forget the BuffyBot? Even though he had to admit these were slightly scary extremes, it only proved how deep his feelings for her really were.
Was it possible that her dream, like his, was pointing out how she really felt? He didn’t know anything about the dream, but something inside him was almost positive that it was telling her she loved him. Now if only she would listen. Buffy was very stubborn and often didn’t listen to the things she should. He had a horrible sinking feeling that she wouldn’t listen to this dream either.
Then again, perhaps it was only his wishful thinking that lead him to believe her dream was a sign. He longed to hear her say she loved him. The possibility that this dream would make her see it was probably just making him wistful.
He shook his head. No, he had to remain positive. He had to believe there was something inside her that felt the same way. He had to believe she would understand it. That hope was the only thing keeping him going.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Buffy paced back and forth in the kitchen, her hands balled into fists at her side. She’d gotten home a little over an hour ago, and since then had been pacing and thinking. She was furious with herself for going to see Spike and mortified that he’d found her asleep in his bed. What the hell had she been thinking? That was probably the worst thing she had ever done in her entire life!
“God, Buffy, what the hell is wrong with you?” She asked herself as she paced in tighter and tighter circles. “I mean, first you sleep with him, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, you go back and do it again! Then you go to see him to tell him that it’s over, and you end up falling asleep in his bed!” She stopped pacing for a second to close her eyes and take a deep breath. When she opened them again, she clenched her fists and looked up at the ceiling. “He’s supposed to be my enemy!” She fairly shouted. “I’m not supposed to have an attraction to him! I’m supposed to hate him!” She gestured helplessly with her hands as she continued, “He shouldn’t have any effect on me. He should not be able to make me feel those things...” Her voice tapered off to almost a whisper at the last part. Her eyes fell to the floor and tears sprang up unbidden. She muffled her sobs in her hand and let the tears wash away her frustrations.
At the top of the stairs Dawn sat with a hand to her mouth. Her eyes were wide with shock at what she’d just heard. Her mind was frantically trying to process this information at the same time her body was trying not to scream.
Buffy slept with Spike. Buffy. Spike. Together. Not killing each other. Buffy. Slept. With. Spike.
These fragmented thoughts flew through Dawn’s mind at ninety miles an hour. It was the only thing she could understand right now. The rest was still garbled information waiting for her to get past this first piece of astonishing news.
She hadn’t meant to overhear her sister. She’d heard the back door open and wanted to ask how the slayage went. With all the new monsters creeping around Sunnydale, she got wigged a bit easier at night. Plus, twice already Buffy hadn’t come home until morning...although now she knew the real reason why.
Still, Dawn couldn’t help worrying about her. She knew her sister could handle it, being the Slayer and all, but accidents did happen. Like the time Buffy let a vamp stake her with her *own* stake. Dawn had covered for her and ended up having to do Buffy’s chores until she was better.
But even with all the scrapes her sister managed to get into, Dawn had never expected anything like *this* to happen. Buffy hated Spike. Why would she want to sleep with someone she hated?
She listened quietly to the muffled sounds of her sister’s sobs and felt her heart break a little. Whatever had happened between Buffy and Spike had really hurt her. She wanted to go down into the kitchen and comfort her, but she knew that would only bring up the subject of *why* Buffy was crying. She didn’t really think Buffy was ready to talk about that yet. It was obviously something she wasn’t proud of since she had lied to Dawn, and probably Willow too. She wasn’t sure about Giles and the rest of the Scooby Gang, but she guessed that if Buffy had talked to them after the thing with Spike happened she had lied to them too. This was definitely a big deal.
“Stop crying,” Buffy commanded herself. Hastily she brushed away the tears with the backs of her hands. She took a deep, shaky breath. “Just don’t think about him,” she suggested. “Think about anything else.” She glanced at the clock on the stove and sighed. “Think later. Time for bed now.” As she walked to the stairs, she mumbled, “Yeah, sleeping will get my mind off Spike.” The dream she’d recently had popped into her mind and she groaned. “I hope.”
Dawn barely had time to scramble up and duck into her bedroom before Buffy started up the stairs. She hid behind her door, hoping that her sister wouldn’t check on her. As Buffy passed by, still mumbling to herself, she let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. She crawled into bed and stared at the glowing stars on her ceiling. Somehow she was going to find out what had happened. Tomorrow night she would go talk to Spike and make him tell her everything...well, a PG rated version anyway.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The cemetery was dark and quiet. Gnarled trees twisting towards the sky cast ghostly shadows on the black blanket of grass. A faint breeze chased the leaves among the rows of tombstones. The only sound was the soft crunching of footsteps and the occasional rustling of the leaves as they whipped past.
Dawn barely dared to breathe in this eerie place. Her eyes kept shifting from left to right as her legs tensed and prepared to flee at any sudden movement. The graveyard was not a safe place to be at night. Especially not when the Slayer wasn’t on duty. Unfortunately, it was where Spike lived.
She held a flashlight tightly in her left hand, trying to keep it steady on the path even as her hand shook. Her other hand gripped the strap of her backpack. Inside the little leather bag she kept a stake, a cross, and a bottle of holy water. Buffy had always told her never to go anywhere in Sunnydale without these things, especially at night when most demons and vamps were lurking about.
The brooding form of Spike’s crypt was in sight. Dawn picked up her pace and in a few short moments found herself standing slightly out of breath at his door. She clicked off the flashlight and knocked.
A very haggard looking Spike opened the door and stared down at her. “Dawn? What’re you doing here?” He stepped aside to let her in and sudden panic gripped him. “Is Buffy okay?”
Dawn pulled off her backpack and dropped the flashlight inside. As she zipped it back up, she glanced at him and noted the worried expression on his face. “Buffy’s fine.” The worry melted away and she added, “Well, actually she’s really confused and upset. Which is why I’m here.”
Spike’s shoulders slumped. “Guess she told you, then.” He trudged over to his armchair and slouched down into it. It would all be over soon. Buffy had told Dawn everything so it would not be long before the entire Scooby Gang came to dust him.
Dawn sat down on the floor across from him. “She didn’t tell me anything.”
He closed his eyes and placed a hand to his aching head. “I don’t understand, Bit.”
“Buffy came home very late last night. I heard her come in and I was going to ask how slaying went, but I heard her talking to herself and stopped.” She blushed a little and ducked her head. “I didn’t mean to listen, but she sounded so upset. I wanted to make sure she was okay, but when she started talking about you I just couldn’t leave.”
A little unsure how to react to this information, Spike nodded and said, “Go on. What’d she say ‘bout me?”
The blush crept up Dawn’s cheeks and receded into her hair. “She said that she slept with you twice, and she fell asleep in your bed waiting for you so she could tell you it was over.” She stopped abruptly as she sensed Spike become very still. Slowly her eyes rose to rest on his face.
“She came to tell me what?” He asked in a whisper. A tear slid down his cheek. He snarled and shook his head, anger forcing his demon to take over. He jumped up and growled, turning his back to her.
Dawn gasped and slid backwards away from him. Her eyes grew wide with fear at the sight of his game-face. “S-Spike?” She asked in a high, frightened voice.
With his back to her, Spike fought to control the anger and force the demon back down. He could smell her fear and it was driving him crazy. But the man inside him was stronger than the demon, and with great effort he pushed it down where it belonged. He took a few shuddering breaths and turned back around. “I’m sorry, Bit.” He crouched down and looked at her, his eyes pleading for forgiveness. “I’m sorry.”
She studied him, the fear slowly seeping away. This was Spike again. He would never hurt her. Finally she relaxed and nodded. “She makes you crazy, huh?”
Spike smiled. “Yeah, but I like it that way.” He shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a sucker for pain and punishment.”
She smiled back. “Guess you picked the right girl to fall in love with then. Buffy dishes both those out pretty well.”
He nodded and stood up, reaching down a hand to help her to her feet. “Didn’t pick her though. If I’d had the choice, probably would’ve picked anyone *but* her.”
Dawn frowned. “What do you mean? You don’t love her?” A hint of fear crept into her voice.
Spike shook his head. “I love her; god do I love her. But I knew it would only end badly. She being the Slayer and me being the Big Bad, we shouldn’t go together. Evil and good don’t mix. We both knew it from the beginning. I don’t know how things got where they are now. Can’t say I don’t like it, though.” He gave her a sly smile and she giggled. The smile faded as he continued, “S’ all over now, though. Slayer finally realized what she was doing I guess.”
Dawn’s face fell. She could tell this was really hurting Spike, and she didn’t want to see him hurt. He was like a hero to her, and he deserved to be with someone he loved. Suddenly her face brightened. “It’s not over yet, Spike. Buffy hasn’t told you yet. Who knows, maybe she was just really upset when she said that.”
“What’re you saying, Bit?”
Dawn smiled mischievously. “She has an attraction to you.”
“Does she now?” Spike replied with a lopsided grin. The fear he’d felt when Dawn told him Buffy wanted to end it began to dissolve. Maybe she was finally starting to realize how she felt about him. Admitting she had an attraction to him was the first step.
“She also said you can make her feel things that she shouldn’t be feeling. And she said she’s supposed to hate you, and you’re not supposed to have any effect on her.” Her grin widened as she saw the relief flow through Spike.
He couldn’t help grinning like an idiot as he murmured to himself, “She doesn’t hate me. I can make her feel something.” Of course, he’d guessed all of this before, but to have it proven was a huge revelation.
“Spike?” Dawn asked quietly and dropped her eyes to the floor. “What exactly happened between you and Buffy?”
Spike choked and coughed, surprised by her blunt question. When he had recovered, he said, “You heard what happened, Dawn. What more do you want to know?”
She blushed and looked at him. “None of the sweaty details, thanks. I just don’t know how it happened. I mean, I thought Buffy hated you and then all of a sudden she sleeps with you. It just doesn’t make sense.”
He laughed. “To be honest, Bit, I don’t know how it happened either. She came to see me one night and...one thing lead to another I suppose. She ran out before I woke up so we couldn’t talk ‘bout it. I didn’t think it would happen again, but then it did. She came by the next night, blaming me for getting her drunk and taking advantage. We fought and eventually I convinced her I’d never do something like that to her. Next morning she woke me up, we fought again, and I told her to leave. I didn’t want to fight with her; I wanted to know what was going on. But she was intent on making everything out to be my fault, so I let her.” He stopped and took a breath. “That brings us to the night I found her asleep in my bed. She was dreaming ‘bout me,” he said with a grin, “moaning my name and thrashing about. I woke her up, she got all mad and ran off again.” He paused and smiled at her. “Your sis is not one for talk.”
Dawn giggled. “No, she’s more Action Girl.” Immediately after the words came out of her mouth, her face turned scarlet. “I mean, with all the fighting she does...”
Her attempt to cover up the accidental innuendo she'd just made caused him to burst into laughter. She was trying so hard to ignore the physical side of his new relationship with her sister. Unfortunately, everything she said ended up reminding her of that aspect of the relationship.
She cleared her throat. “Um...what are you going to do now?”
Spike stopped laughing. A slight frown tugged at his mouth. “Not sure. Guess I should probably stay away from her for a bit.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s best.”
A wicked grin curved his lips. “Although, I really can’t do anything ‘bout it if she comes to see me.”
Dawn made a face at him and crossed her arms over her chest. “I really don’t think that’s a good idea. I think Buffy needs time to think. She was obviously really upset last night, but she also obviously has *some* type of fuzzy feelings towards you. I mean, this whole situation would never have happened if she still hated you. I think you should stay away from her for a little while. If she comes to see you, tell her to leave. She’s just confused right now and time apart will let her think clearly.”
Spike sighed. “Not sure how well that’s gonna work, Bit. Seem to have a hard time telling your sis no.”
“You did it once. You can do it again.”
He shrugged. “I can try. She comes to see me though it’s in God’s hands.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “Please, Spike.” Suddenly an idea popped into her head. Her eyes glinted with mischief as she said, “I can spy on her!”
“What? Dawn, you can’t do that. Buffy would kill you if she found out...”
“She won’t find out,” Dawn insisted. She hopped up and down with excitement. “I’ll just watch her and see how she feels. I can keep her away from you at the same time I’m figuring out how she feels about you. I can even try to convince her that she loves you. *And* I’ll bring all the information back to you so you don’t have to wonder what’s going on with her!”
Spike considered this for some time. It was a pretty good idea when he thought about it. The Bit would keep Buffy away so he could relax, and she could figure out how Buffy felt about him at the same time. Plus, she would secretly relate the information back to him so the Slayer wouldn’t know a thing. He’d know all her moves and she wouldn’t have a clue what was going on! The more he thought about it, the more he liked it. With a crafty smile he said, “All right, Bit. You can do your little spy job. Find out how she feels ‘bout me and all that.”
Dawn giggled with excitement. “No problem.” She unzipped her bag and pulled out the flashlight.
As she headed towards the door, Spike called out, “Just don’t get caught! Slayer would stake me in two seconds if she found out I had you spying for me!”
“Don’t worry, Spike!” Dawn yelled back. “Buffy won’t even know what I’m doing!” She opened the door and walked out into the cold night air.
This is going to be so fun! She thought with a bright smile.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“So, we Bronzing tonight, Buff?” Xander asked as he closed his text book.
“I don’t know...” Buffy replied and sighed. “I kinda just feel like staying home tonight. Maybe watch a movie with Dawnie or something.” She glanced over her shoulder at her sister, who was busily dusting old jars stacked on the shelves of the Magic Box.
“You could bring her with,” Willow suggested. “I’m sure she’d love to go.”
“Love to go where?” Dawn asked as she bounded happily to their table.
“The Bronze. We’re thinking of dragging you and Buffy there with us tonight,” Willow replied with a mock-sinister grin.
“Really?” Dawn’s eyes grew big with excitement. She turned to her sister and pleaded, “Can I go, Buffy? Please. I promise I won’t be annoying. Please!”
Buffy’s tired expression went soft. “Dawnie, the reason I’ve never taken you to the Bronze is not because you’re annoying. There’s a lot of bad-guy activity that happens there. It’s a big hang-out spot for the vamps. Lots of people crowded together, getting their blood flowing and their hearts pumping. Plus, nobody realizes what they are until it’s too late.” She smiled up at Dawn. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.”
Dawn smiled back. “I know, Buffy. But if I stay with you guys I’ll be safe, right?”
“Darn tootin’,” Willow replied. “We’re always ready for the baddies.”
Buffy closed her eyes with a groan and rubbed her temples. There was apparently no way she could get out of Bronzing tonight. She might as well just suck it up and hope that it would take her mind off her more current affairs. “Okay, Dawnie. You can come with us tonight.”
“Yes!” Dawn squealed. She bounced up and down a few times, clapping her hands. “Thank you, Buffy!”
“We don’t pay you to jump around, Dawn,” Anya said from behind the cash register.
Dawn ceased her jumping and turned to face the former vengeance demon. “You don’t pay me at all.”
Anya considered this for a moment. Finally she said, “Well, you do happen to be holding a duster, and the books on those shelves do need dusting.”
“All right, all right. I’m going,” Dawn replied and rolled her eyes. She moved to the shelf Anya had indicated and began to dust the tattered volumes. She couldn’t get rid of the smile on her face. Not only was she going to the Bronze tonight, but she was going to spy on her sister like some undercover detective working on a mystery. This was going to be the best night of her life!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The Bronze was dim and smoky. Music blared from the stage where one of the bands stood rocking out on their instruments. People were crammed everywhere. The stage was surrounded by a mob of surging people. The pool tables were also smothered with people, some playing the game and others watching with a casual interest. Still more people were crowded around tables talking and drinking. It was a hot, sweaty, pulsating room, and Dawn was loving every minute of it.
“Come on, Buffy! Come dance with us!” She yelled over the roaring of voices.
Buffy glanced up from her Coke and surveyed the dance floor. It was choked with sweaty bodies colliding into one another. She looked at Dawn and whimpered, “Dawnie, look at that! There’s way too many people out there. I really don’t feel like having my toes broken by a bunch of clumsy, drunken creeps.”
“I’ll keep ‘em off ya, Buff!” Xander shouted from the dance floor. “No broken toes for you! Whoa! Not while I’m around! Oh, uh, excuse me.”
Buffy couldn’t help but laugh. As he’d shouted this to her, two large men had bumped into him and knocked him sideways. He’d recovered just in time to keep from falling flat on his face and being trampled by a group of four other oblivious people.
“Please, Buffy!” Dawn said and pouted. “Come on, you can’t just sit there all night!”
With a sigh, Buffy stood up and walked to the dance floor. “All right. One dance and then it’s back to the table for me.”
Dawn beamed and grabbed her arm. They pushed through the crowd of people to where Xander and the others were waiting. As a new song started up, Buffy swayed to the beat and lost herself in the rhythm.
An hour later, Buffy was sitting alone at the table. She sipped at her drink as her eyes passed over the crowd on the dance floor. She started as Dawn plopped onto the seat beside her.
“Buffy, can I talk to you about something?” Dawn asked and stared intently at her sister.
Smiling, Buffy reached across the table and took her sister’s hand. “Of course you can, Dawnie. What’s up?”
Dawn looked away from her. She stared into the sea of writhing people and tried to figure out how she could say what she had to say. Finally she gave up and decided to be blunt.
“I know about you and Spike,” she said quietly, her eyes never leaving the dance floor.
Buffy frowned and shouted, “I can’t hear you! What did you say?” She held her breath, hoping she hadn’t just heard what she thought she’d heard.
Dawn looked back at her. She repeated the sentence, louder this time, and dropped her eyes to the table.
“How - how do you know about that?”
Without looking up, Dawn replied, “I heard you talking to yourself last night.” She locked eyes with her sister and continued, “I didn’t mean to, Buffy. I just wanted to ask you how the patrol went. Then I heard you talking about Spike and I...just couldn’t leave. I didn’t mean to.”
Buffy didn’t know what to say. She was angry and relieved at the same time. She knew Dawn hadn’t meant to overhear her, but it still made her mad that she had waited until now to tell her. After a long period of silence, she found her voice. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
The blasting music made it hard for Dawn to judge the tone Buffy had used. She guessed by her sister’s stony face that she wasn’t too happy. She sniffled and tears welled in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I wanted to tell you, but you sounded so upset. I figured if I told you then, you would’ve been mad at me.”
The shining tears in Dawn’s eyes softened Buffy’s face. She grasped her sister’s hand tighter. “It’s okay, Dawnie. I’m not mad. I’m just...surprised. I didn’t think you were awake.”
Dawn sniffled again and forced the tears back. “Are you sure you’re not mad?”
“I’m sure.”
Taking a deep, encouraging breath, Dawn asked, “Will you talk to me about it? I mean, it’s obviously bugging you. You’re acting all weird and distant. I think it would help if you told someone what happened.”
“Dawnie, not here, okay?” Buffy said, a warning note in her voice. This was not the type of subject she wanted to discuss with her little sister. She didn’t want to discuss this with *anyone*.
“Can we go for a walk then? Please, Buffy?”
With a heavy sigh, Buffy agreed. She grabbed her bag and they headed out the door. With a half-smile she mused how Dawn could be as stubborn as she was sometimes. Little sisters are such pains, she thought and rolled her eyes.
“What exactly do you want to know?” She asked as they began to walk down the alley. “Don’t even ask me for details because you’re too young to know.”
Dawn made a face. “Gross. I don’t want to hear about *that*.” She paused and studied her older sister in the moonlight. The tired expression and dull look in her eyes told Dawn that Buffy was mentally exhausted. She had been dwelling on her encounters with Spike for the past few nights, and keeping everything to herself was killing her. She hoped talking about it would help. “I just want to know how you feel about...everything.”
How did I know this wasn’t going to be easy, Buffy thought with a grimace. She hesitated for a moment, trying to decide what she wanted to reveal. Concluding that she really didn’t want to reveal anything she said, “There really isn’t much to tell. I’m disgusted with myself.”
“Buffy, this will only help if you’re honest,” Dawn scolded. “I’m just trying to help you get this off your mind. I can tell it’s driving you insane.”
“What do you want me to say, Dawn?” Buffy asked with a shrug. She stopped walking and faced her sister. “Do you want me to tell you how Spike can make me feel alive? Do you want me to tell you how I don’t hate him anymore? Or maybe you’d like to know how I can’t stop thinking about him and have the strongest urge to go see him again, but I can’t because I’m just using him?” Her voice rose with every sentence.
“That would be a start,” Dawn replied softly, ignoring the angry tone in Buffy’s voice.
Buffy sighed in exasperation. “Dawn, I really don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know how *I* feel right now, so it’s kinda hard for me to explain it to you.”
“That’s why I want you to talk about it,” Dawn insisted. She moved to stand closer to her sister and placed a hand on her shoulder. “If you keep this all to yourself you’ll never figure out how you feel. You need to talk to someone about it. You need advice and second opinions.”
For some time, Buffy was silent. She knew Dawn was right. Keeping her feelings bottled up inside was driving her crazy. She had been longing to tell someone, but afraid of how that person would react to this shocking news. Nobody really liked Spike. Telling her friends that she was sleeping with him would not go over to well, she imagined. Fortunately for her, the one person who knew about her little secret also happened to like Spike.
After what seemed like an eternity, she said, “I don’t really know what’s going on right now. I mean, I’m supposed to hate Spike. He tried to kill me and everyone that I love. But I can’t. I can’t hate him. He understands what I’m going through, and he cares. After everything that happened I still don’t understand why he loves me. But I know he does. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. It scares me.” She paused and reflected on the nights she’d spent with him. “I’m not sure why I went to see him that first night. I guess it was because he showed a certain kind of compassion to what I was dealing with. He was the only one who understood. I don’t know why he can make me feel so alive when I’m around him. That’s why I keep going back, though. I need to feel.”
Dawn thought about all of this for some time. It must have been terrible coming back from Heaven and not being able to feel any emotion. She could understand why Buffy would want that back. How strange that her supposed enemy could make her feel it, though. Ironic really. Somehow it seemed to fit though. Like all of this was a big plan. Spike fell in love with Buffy, Buffy died and was resurrected. She came back from Heaven feeling nothing and Spike was given the chance to make her feel something. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe these were all subtle little signs showing Buffy that she loved Spike.
“You said you don’t hate him anymore, right? So how do you feel about him now?”
“I don’t know, Dawnie,” Buffy replied and closed her eyes. Talking about this was bringing out some strange emotions within her. She couldn’t identify them, but they seemed familiar. It almost felt like her dream.
“Do you think you might love him?” Dawn asked in a whisper. She wasn’t sure anymore how to deal with everything. Buffy had been going through so much. She wanted to help her, to make it all easier. The only problem was, she couldn’t tell Buffy how to feel. She couldn’t make her see something she didn’t want to see. In the end, it was all Buffy’s decision what she did and how she felt. True, she couldn’t change what she was feeling, but she was stubborn enough to ignore it and make her life a living hell. Dawn just hoped she wouldn’t be that blind.
Her first instant reaction was to say no. Spike was a demon residing in a man’s body. How could she love something like him?
She thought harder. He loved her. Could a purely evil demon love? No. That wasn’t possible. There had to be *some* good in Spike if he vowed he loved her. But even if there was good in him, was it enough to sustain a relationship?
“Honestly, Dawnie, I’m not sure,” Buffy said. “I feel something for him. I don’t exactly know what that something is. There’s a lot of...tension between us. I don’t know if that’s what’s making me feel like this, or if he is. I’m so confused right now. I wish I knew what I was feeling.”
Dawn patted her shoulder reassuringly. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out, Buffy. Maybe you just need some time away from him for awhile. You know, to figure out if he’s making you feel whatever it is you’re feeling?”
Buffy nodded. “Yeah, well you know what they say: abstinence is the best policy.” She smiled over her shoulder at her little sister.
Dawn rolled her eyes. “I think what they say is: *honesty* is the best policy.”
Buffy shrugged. “Honesty, abstinence, what’s the difference?”
The two sisters burst out laughing. After their giggling had subsided Dawn said, “I’m glad you told me, Buffy.”
“I’m glad you made me tell you,” Buffy said. “It feels so much better having all that off my chest.”
“Don’t worry about it for a while, okay? Give yourself some time to think about everything that’s happened. And don’t be afraid of what you feel. I know it might not be easy to admit it once you figure it out, but you can’t change what you feel. If you ignore it, you’ll only feel worse.”
Buffy grinned. “When did you become the grown-up here?”
Dawn giggled. “Apparently since you decided to take a vacation.”
“I wish,” Buffy said. She yawned and checked her watch. “Wow. It’s getting late. We should probably head on home.”
“Yeah, I think we’ve had enough excitement for one night,” Dawn said in agreement.
“Enough thinking for one night, too,” Buffy added as they started on home.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“She loves me?” Spike asked incredulously, his blue eyes wide with shock. A huge grin spread across his face and he laughed. “She loves me.” He liked the sound of that.
“Boy, you only hear what you want to, don’t you?” Dawn said and rolled her eyes at him. “I said *I* think she loves you. She talked to me about everything...without getting into the sweaty parts. From what she told me, I think she loves you. She’s just confused and afraid to admit it right now.”
Spike’s face fell. “So she doesn’t love me?”
Dawn sighed. “Would you listen for once?” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited.
“Sorry,” he grumbled. “I’m paying attention now.”
“Good. As I was saying, Buffy and I talked and I’m almost positive that she loves you. She admitted that she has some feelings for you, she’s just not sure what they are yet. She said there’s a lot of tension between you and she thinks that might be what’s making her feel so weird. I suggested she stay away from you because that will prove to her that it’s not the tension between you two that’s making her feel it, it’s *you*. It might take her a while to admit her feelings because, well, nobody really likes you, Spike. Telling her friends she loves a creature they hate is a scary idea. But I believe she already knows she loves you, it’s just all this fear that’s stopping her from admitting it.”
“So, basically what you’re saying is, she loves me,” Spike said with a cocky grin.
Dawn threw her hands up in defeat. “Yes, fine, that’s what I’m saying. That’s all you wanted to hear anyway, wasn’t it?”
“Gotta feed my ego, Bit,” he replied. “I mean, been in love with the girl for a bloody long time. Feels good to finally hear she loves me too.”
“Well, I could be wrong you know. She has to admit it to you before it’s chiseled into a stone tablet, okay?” Dawn said sarcastically.
“Guess I better go tell that to my stone-chiselers, then.”
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