The next morning, when Spike woke, he smiled at Buffy sleeping next to him.
Carefully he got out of bed and went to take a shower, thankful his burns were healed almost completely.
When he got out of he shower, Buffy was still sleeping. He looked at her fondly and sat next to her.
Her eyes fluttered open and focused on him through her sleep filled mind. “Hi,” she said.
“You should rest,” he said. “You’re exhausted.”
“I know, but there’s too much to do. No time for sleep,” she said, getting out of bed.
“Buffy, you know I really appreciate what you did for me,” Spike said.
Buffy looked at him and then wrapped her arms around herself. “I know but there’s still a lot that we have to work through,” she said.
Spike bowed his head. “I know,” he whispered.
Buffy frowned and went over to him. She sat next to him and turned his gaze to her. “We need to talk about what happened,” she said, gently. “We should have a long time ago, but you left.”
“I had to,” Spike said, softly. “I couldn’t live with myself.”
Buffy got up and moved away from him so she could think. “Last year, was bad,” she said. “Mostly on my part. I was very unhappy and that wasn’t your fault. But I took it out on you and just worried about what my friends thought. Instead of hating them for what they did, I hated you for being the one who didn’t.
“People who love me are not supposed to do that to me and they did. And they didn’t understand that I was hurting. Badly. When I came back, I had nothing. I didn’t feel anything. Except when you were around. That nigh on the couch when you were holding my hands, everything was okay,” she said, looking at him. “But you left and I didn’t know what to do.”
“You’re friends would have bombarded you,” Spike said, softly.
“And I didn’t need that,” Buffy said. “I needed peace and quiet and someone to take care of me. Not questions. But that’s all I got. And still to this day as you can see, I’m still not sleeping.”
“I’ve seen you sleep,” Spike said.
“Because you were there,” Buffy said. “If I wasn’t with you, I didn’t sleep and I still don’t. when we started sleeping together, I wanted to. I needed to be with you, I felt complete. But my friends wouldn’t have approved. And I know what you’re gunna say but I did care what they thought.”
“Why?” Spike asked. “You never told Willow she couldn’t be gay or the whelp that he couldn’t date Anya, who’s killed more people then me and Angel combined.”
“I know,” Buffy said. “But I wanted a peaceful relationship where I could be happy.”
“I didn’t make you happy?” Spike asked.
“You did but things got out of control,” she said. “I didn’t want to stop seeing you, but I didn’t know how to make it better. I wanted to be with you but I didn’t know how.”
“Abusing me really made that okay,” Spike muttered.
“Do you know what being scared and lonely is like?” Buffy asked. “To have no feelings except for someone you’re supposed to hate. To wanna kill yourself but you cant because people are relying on you. To fall in love with someone everyone around you hates. Do you know what it’s like to want something to so badly it hurts and you cant have it?”
“Yeah, I do,” Spike said, meeting her eyes. “What do you think I went through when I feel in love with you? And I couldn’t stop. That’s why I went to Africa. To make the pain stop and all I did was make it worse.”
Tears welled in Buffy’s eyes but they didn’t fall. “Spike, I didn’t ask you to love me,” she whispered. “I don’t like it when people love me. All I do is hurt them. That’s why I wanted you to leave me alone. Because I knew how badly I wanted you and I knew I couldn’t stay away from you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with loving you,” Spike said. “You’re a good person. A loving, caring person. Anyone who gets to spend their life with you is the luckiest person in the world.”
“I don’t want anyone like that,” Buffy said. “I don’t want someone new, where I have to explain my crazy life to them. I just want to be happy.”
“Well I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Spike said.
“I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying,” Buffy said, going toward him.
Spike looked up as Buffy stood in front of him. “So explain it to me,” he said.
Buffy cradled his face in her hands and her eyes were sparkling. “There’s no one else out there for me except you,”: she said, softly. “I was horrible to you last year and you didn’t deserve it. And yes you did hurt me in the bathroom but it wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you for it and you shouldn’t blame yourself. Not anymore.”
Tears welled in Spike’s eyes and he looked away from her. “Buffy, I’ve never hurt the woman I love until I fell in love with you. People don’t attack people they love and I did,” he whispered. “That is never gunna be okay.”
Buffy gently guided herself between his knees. “Spike, look at me,” she whispered.
Spike raised his guilt stricken eyes to her face.
Buffy wiped his tears gently. “It was not your fault,” she whispered. “I was lost and confused and I didn’t know what to do. I could have been happy with you last year and I was. I just didn’t know how to love you. I wanted so badly to, but I couldn’t.”
“Why?” Spike asked.
“Because I didn’t want you to leave me and I knew you would,” she said, choking back a sob. “Sooner or later, you would have.”
Spike’s heart broke as her tears slid down her face. “Please don’t cry,” he said, carefully brining his hands to her hips. “I would never leave. Whether you wanted me around or not, I’d never leave you.”
“You did,” she whimpered. “And you didn’t say goodbye or that you loved me. You just left.”
Spike frowned as she began sobbing silently. He stood up and gently pulled her into his arms. “I’ll always come back,” he whispered. “You know I cant stay away.”
Buffy buried her face in his neck and sobbed out her pain, anger, hurt and love, in his arms.
Spike held her tightly as tears slid out of his own eyes. His heart and soul ached for her. “It’s okay,” he whispered.
“I just, I missed you so much and I didn’t realize how much I needed you until it was too late,” she whispered.
“Don’t worry about it,” Spike said.
“Spike,” she said, picking up her head. “I want us to be together, but I want it be right.”
Spike pulled away from her. “Buffy, I cant,” he whispered.
“You don’t want to be with me?” Buffy asked, sniffling.
“I do,” Spike said, looking at her. “I want to be with you more then anything in this world. But I cant.”
“Why?” Buffy asked. “If its because of last year, we don’t need to worry about it anymore.”
“It’s not that,” Spike said, softly. “Well it is that, but that’s not the only thing.”
“Then what else is it?” Buffy asked. “You can tell me.”
“I need to get myself back to the way I was,” he said. “I’m dealing with a lot right now with my soul. I’m sure a relationship is good for me right now. Or either of us for that matter.”
“I’m ready to have one,” Buffy said, softly. “But I’ll wait.”
Spike frowned when she like she was about to cry again. “Buffy,” he said, lifting her chin. “I’m borderline insane right now. I cant put you through that.”
“We’ll I’m going to go through it anyway,” she said, stepping closer to him. “I’m be with you every step and I’m gunna take care of you.”
“You don’t have to,” Spike said, feeling her body heat in her nearness.
“You took care of me and I wasn’t so nice back,” she whispered. “But I’m gunna make it up to you.”
Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tightly.
Spike arms went around her waist and he buried his face in her neck. “I love you,” he said.
Tears welled in Buffy’s eyes. “I know,” she said.
“I’m sorry,” Spike whispered.
“Me too,” Buffy said. “But lets not worry about the past. Lets worry about you soul and getting you better.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be better,” Spike said.
“Well, take little steps, starting with something to eat,” she said, standing.
Spike smiled as she went to the door. “Buffy?”
Buffy looked at him. “Yeah?”
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“You’re welcome,” she said, going downstairs.
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