Well, I've written, rewritten and handed my computer over to a team of skilled monkeys in the hopes they could do better with this chapter about twenty times. Its still a bit pants, but I've got to do something or I'll still be rewriting this when I'm ninety. Next chapters better, I swear...
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“Hi guys, I'd like you to all give a big, friendly welcome to... Xander!”
Hostile silence greeted Xander and Harmony. Somewhere in the tepid darkness, something went plop.
Several dozen baleful sets of eyes peered out of the gloom. Somebody snarled menacingly.
“Now, guys...” Harmony began reproachfully.
Evidently responding to Harmonys encouraging noises and gestures, after a long moment, something emerged from the shadows.
It was tall - inhumanly so, but at less than half the usual width, like you had taken a human and intruduced him to a giant rolling pin. It had grey, mottled skin and most of the eyes in the room, most of which were glowed different colours and orbited its skull like a swarm of bees. It was partially wrapped in a black cape with red lining, which it twirled dramatically as it gyrated energetically across the room, meeting Xander after several bounces although maybe just by accident.
“Xander.” Xander tried not to stare in astonishment. “What are you?”
The creature drew up its cape conspiratorially and bowed jerkily, utilising joints and muscles that clearly weren't quite human. “I am Sapox. I am... a vampire!”
“Really.”
Harmony leaned in and whispered, “He's a Szlisger demon, but he was bitten by a very short sighted vampire and now he thinks he's a vamp too.”
Xander beamed helplessly up at the thing that could have almost doubled as a lamppost. “Ok, good for you...” He dutifully shook a hand that looked to be made from matchsticks.
Harmony sat down primly on a frilly pink cushion. She watched expectantly.
This is because, to Xanders continuing astonishment, contrary to all expectations, he was in a living room. Admittedly, the sofas were old and tattered looking, the TV probably didn't multi task as a toaster, there was slime dripping down the walls and there was a cistern in the middle of the room that gurgled immutably to itself occasionally. You could almost forget all that, if it wasn't for the smell.
It had presence. It had body. It laughed at the futility of air fresheners, showers and other pathetic, contemptible measures. It was a smell that seemed to seep into your skin. It was a smell that stamped its presence through your skin, through muscle and fat and sinew and bones, to imprint itself on your very soul. It was a smell you would never forget, try as you might.
It was the smell of the sewers.
Down amongst the identical maze of slime encrusted corridors, far from the sun and the lights, down amongst the rats and the mud, Harmony had created her own little idyllic vision of home.
There were the sofas. Pink featured prominently. Lacey pillows added to the pinkness. There was the carpet, which looked like it had been dragged in from somewhere - possibly a tip. Perhaps it was at one time beige, but exposure to the elements, age and sewer damage had reduced it to a putrid greenish gray. There were cheerful pictures of flowers and kittens on the walls, drooping in the moisture. There was a tea pot. It was clothed modestly in pink lace.
Xander marveled at the sheer empty headed determination which had created such an illusion. If Harmony managed to point all six brain cells in the same direction at once, with her mind she could rule the world.
Another shape made its appearance from the shadows. Several more, very similar shapes followed it.
Whatever they were was mostly obscured by the heavy cloaks and cowls they wore. They were short and blocky. They had disproportionately large heads. Eyes gleamed from the shadows of their cowls.
Demon midgets. He thought. Another tiny voice that the years and the brutal realities of life had almost crushed, screamed gleefully – Jawas!
The three creatures scuttled forwards fearfully. One of them cautiously approached, while its companions chattered excitedly to each other.
“Er. Hi.” he said weakly.
The midget squeaked at him incoherently. The cowl fell back a little to reveal a lumpen, hairless scalp and an over sized mouth crammed with teeth.
“He says 'May your stomach be full of many fat worms.'” Harmony translated. She caught Xanders expression, “Thats his way of saying hello.” she explained. “This is Falax.”
Xander extended his hand., The creature scuttled back out of reach. Xander lowered his hand and it moved forwards again.
“Nice to meet you.” Xander said, “And your friends are?”
The thing squeaked emphatically at length.
“No, you don't get it. They are Falax. All of them.” Harmony said.
“Ok then.”
Xander himself leaped back, sending the jawas scurrying in alarm. Xander swore furiously. “What the hell?” he pointed a shaky finger.
He knew the huge, lumbering form that had emerged from the darkness. It still haunted the corners of his mind and slipped into his dreams at night. It had plenty of equally, or even more unpleasant company, but right now it was clearly here and they were not.
“Harmony, that's a troll!” he accused.
Harmony smiled at him as if he was an idiot. “Well dur! This is Bill.”
“It's a troll!” Xander wailed, trying to keep his distance. It was a small room, the troll effortlessly occupied most of it.
The monster extended a hand bigger than Xanders chest.
“Honoured to meet you good sir.” it proclaimed laboriously. The troll spoke slowly and carefully, possibly because of its fangs. Even through his terrified daze, Xander realised something was off here.
“Please don't eat me!” he squeaked.
“Xander,” Harmony looked mortified. “You know trolls only eat babies!”
“In fact, I am a vegan.” Bill rumbled.
Xander swallowed hard. He'd been chased through too many dreams by Anyas ex to shake his fear quite that quickly. Still, there seemed no obvious avenue for escape, so he had little option but to play along.
As he calmed marginally, Xander took in a few details that had escaped him. The troll was wearing a suit. Admittedly, it was shabby and worn, and in a few places torn, but it was difficult to fear anyone wearing a tweed suit. A pair of slightly twisted spectacles perched on its nose. It had also quite failed to tear him limb from limb, although it had ample opportunity.
Not really daring to think about the consequence, Xander took the trolls hand.
He found a cautiously gentle grip, as if the troll was being careful not to accidentally tear his arm off and eat it. To his astonishment, Xander found his hand returned to him intact.
There was a muffled sound of a door opening and the sound of soft feet hastily approaching.
A small figure scuttled self consciously into the light. It could have been human. If a human could mate with a porcupine. Currently its quills were laid back in a non threatening way. Its entire demeanor was non threatening for that matter, slouched over, eyes downcast. It cringed slightly, as if fearing the universe was about to hit him with something nasty.
Xander could emphasize.
“Hello, I'm Xander.” he said encouragingly.
For a brief instant, the creature furtively met his eye with its own amber ones. “Hi.” Its eyes darted around the room. “I'm Spike.”
“Really? I used to know a Spike.” he considered. “He was nothing like you. Nice to meet you.”
Spikes eyes sought Harmony's urgently. “We've got trouble.”
In an instant, Harmony changed. The petty, vapid girl Xander had known for years seemed to vanish in front on him. What emerged to replace it reminded Xander of why people were afraid of the night.
Her eyes glittered in the dim light. “Hunters?” she said intently.
The nervous little demon nodded affirmatively.
“When?”
Spike shrugged helplessly, “They were just behind me. I gave them the slip, but for how long...”
Harmony glanced sharply around at the disparate group. Lastly she looked at Xander. “Sorry, but introductions are going to have to wait.”
Xander felt thrown off balance by this brusque, business like Harmony, so unlike the girl he had known.. “What -” he began.
“No time. We need to split up. We can meet again in the usual place, assuming we survive.”
“Erm, Harm.” Xander tried, “What's going on?”
Harmony rounded on him. He'd never though Harmony could look scary, but right at this moment he'd sooner face a horde of bloodthirsty demons – he'd sooner face his relatives at Christmas, than face her.
“Demon hunters. They've been tracking us for months. And I don't think they want to ask us to subscribe to their discount shopping club.” Harmony replied tersely.
Wow. Xander felt stunned, Harmony had never mastered irony – she had still been failing to grasp sarcasm last he'd seen her. He wondered suddenly what had caused the demon hunters to pursue this particular group with such fervor. Still, he very much doubted they'd appreciate inquiries from someone who was technically now a member of the undead. Running, or at least lurching as fast as possible, seemed like the best plan at the moment.
“One problem though.” he said meaningfully.
The blank look Harmony gave him convinced him that whatever else, this was still Harmony.
“I don't know these sewers. I don't have a clue where to go.” Xander clarified.
Harmony hesitated for a moment. Xander guessed the reason. The sun was rising. By herself, she could probably find a safe haven in time. Shepherding Xander through unfamiliar tunnels in pitch darkness, she'd have no chance. “Spike?” she looked at the prickly demon tentatively. Not waiting for a reply, she turned and ran after rest of the rapidly departing group.
The look the demon shot back was less than happy. It turned to look at Xander with clear hostility in its gaze.
“Come on.” Spike said simply.
A moment later the demon had disappeared completely into the shadows. Xander hesitated for a moment, uncertainty immobalising him. Then he recognised the futility of the situation.
Why does this sort of thing always happen to me? He wondered idly.
He set off as best he could after the demon.
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