[ACT THREE]
July, 1776
Anya (or, Anyanka, at this point) is listening to a woman talk about her husband. All around them, merry celebration is going around; men, women and children alike are shouting, laughter is heard, etc, etc.
WOMAN
He loves this damn country more than he loves me.
ANYANKA
Uh-huh.
WOMAN
All he does anymore is fight wars and rage about Britain and how stupid it is. I have needs, too. I just wish…
ANYANKA
Uh-huh?
WOMAN
…that he would ask me how my day was, just once.
ANYANKA
Well, that’s no fun.
WOMAN
All he does is talk about what he did. “I’m going to battle next week. Hey, remember that time I went to battle a while ago?”
She sighs.
WOMAN [cont’d]
Daniel always paid ample attention to me. I miss him.
ANYANKA
Ooh, do you wish he’d come back?
WOMAN
He’s dead, dear.
Anyanka feigns surprise.
ANYANKA
Oh. I’m… sorry.
WOMAN
Me too. I mean, I love George, but sometimes I just wish he’d…
ANYANKA
Uh-huh?
WOMAN
…forget about stupid America.
ANYANKA
You’re just full of really boring wishes, aren’t you?
WOMAN
So what if we’re a country now? He’ll expect a feast every day from now until death do us part. Hmph. I wish… his teeth would turn to wood so he couldn’t reasonably eat a feast anym—
ANYANKA
Done.
But before the future Lady Washington can catch a glimpse of the vengeance demon’s face, Anyanka feels a hand tug at her arm. Taken by surprise, she stumbles into the wood and gets pushed against a tree by a man in formal wear.
MAN
What are you doing?
ANYANKA
My job. Now beat it. I think I was getting somewhere with…
Anyanka turns to glance at the woman, who, looking bewildered, begins to walk away. She would shortly forget about the encounter altogether until she spotted her husband some hours later.
ANYANKA [cont’d]
Damnit. Now look what you’ve done. She was promising. That whole teeth turning into wood thing sounded painful…
MAN
You are aware of what happened only a few eves ago, aren’t you?
ANYANKA
Sure. Some declaration or something was signed, now this is a country rather than a colony, blah, blah, blah, so what? Who are you, anyway?
MAN
I’m an associate with Wolfram and Hart, with whom I’m sure you’re familiar.
ANYANKA
Oh, yeah. An evil prophecy cult, right? Constantly planning for the apocalypse centuries in the future… don’t know why you’re bothering to plan for it now…
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
Well, since you’re familiar with our operation, perhaps you understand that we have to have everything happen in a quite precise manner. You were interfering with the order of events. We had to stop you.
ANYANKA
If you think you can stop me from being a vengeance demon, you’ve got another thing coming, pal. I don’t care who you are or what you control, but I’ll perform vengeance on whomever I choose, so…
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
We don’t care about your duties in general, madam. Just that one gentleman needs to be left more or less alone. He was one of the key players in making this land a nation, and he’s going to be one of the key players in the development of the country. We need the United States of America to turn out in just a certain way, and any more variables in our plan could send the universe spinning quite impressively out of control. And we wouldn’t want that.
ANYANKA
Why not? Sounds like a picnic to me.
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
Because if the universe explodes, you explode too. And even a vengeance demon can’t live through that.
ANYANKA
…I see your point. So, what do you want from me? I’ll leave that guy alone if that’s what you’re getting at.
The man reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a scroll of sorts.
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
I’m here to make a deal with you. Yes, it includes leaving Commander Washington alone, but it also includes your helping us to sway battles a certain way. Cause some English to die in a freak ship explosion in their way over to America, for example.
ANYANKA
Why should I help you? What’s in it for me?
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
It’s not what’s in it for you, it’s what doesn’t do you in. In signing this contract, you assure us that you’re going to do exactly as we ask you to, because if you don’t… well, regardless of whether or not the Universe explodes, we’ll make sure you’ve properly gone kablooey.
ANYANKA
I’m sorry… am I being threatened? Are you actually stupid enough to threaten a vengeance demon?
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
We’re not threatening you, miss. In return for doing us these favours, we’ll ensure your non-explosion and make sure you’ll meet no other demise. In the event of your unlikely death on this plain, you’ll be transported to another one, where your immortality will stay in tact.
Anyanka stands and considers this for a moment. The man waits patiently, smiling intelligently but very annoyingly and holding out the contract and a fountain pen for her to sign the contract.
ANYANKA
So basically… I cause the death of some few extra people, and you give me an extra life if I ever die?
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
In short, yes.
ANYANKA
But if I don’t follow through… you explode me. Forever.
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY
That’s correct.
Anyanka grudgingly takes the pen and signs where the man points. He takes both the pen and paper and places them back inside his jacket, still wearing that annoying smile.
WOLFRAM AND HART GUY [cont’d]
A pleasure, madam. One of our associates will contact you with a time and a place soon.
He walks off deeper into the woods. Anyanka remains motionless, realizing that there was probably more to that contract than what met the eye, ignorant of the celebrations going on behind her. On this shot, we cut to the
Present
A shot of Angel in his office, sitting in a chair behind his office, staring out the window absently. Pan out the door as we see Wesley, Gunn and Anya peering in the window hesitantly.
GUNN
He just… threw them out the door?
ANYA
Two at a time, by their belts. Then he closed the doors without a word and sat down, exactly in that position. He hasn’t moved a muscle since.
WESLEY
And you tried talking to him?
ANYA
I’ve been yelling at him fervently through this window for the past ten minutes, complete with exaggerated gesticulations.
She turns angrily to the others.
ANYA [cont’d]
I don’t know what he’s so upset about. Junior Partner is a huge step to the top. If he really wants to make a difference, this should be exciting for him. He should be rampant with proclamations such as, “hurray!” or, “what a sizable step in the right direction!” I didn’t expect him to stomp not-so-furiously from the room, throw the cleaning crew out on their asses and then brood.
GUNN
You’d be surprised what he can manage to brood about.
ANYA
He has a case to handle, you know. Those invisible people are causing more trouble than they’re worth. He doesn’t have time to sit there and think. He has to go kill things! Isn’t that what vampires are supposed to do?
Anya pauses, expecting a response, exhaling exasperatedly at the vampire through the window when she didn’t get one and stomps off, arms crossed. Gunn watches her go, but his eyes fall instead on Wesley, who seems to just be staring at a point in the carpet.
GUNN
Admiring the pattern, or just wondering what kind of synthetic fabric it’s made out of?
Wesley doesn’t respond. He simply stares. Gunn frowns in concern, since the last time Wesley was this bad was when Fred died. Suddenly he made the connection and joined Wesley in staring at the spot in the carpet.
GUNN
Alexa.
Wesley immediately snaps to attention.
WESLEY
What about her?
GUNN
She seemed pretty upset after Angel left like that.
WESLEY
She shouldn’t withhold information like that.
GUNN
But still. I feel kinda sorry for her, you know? It’s not her fault that Angel made Junior Partner. She just happened to be the only one to know about it. Maybe she didn’t even make the connection until that point.
WESLEY
She looked guilty the entire time. I was…
GUNN
Watching her?
Wesley bowed his head.
WESLEY
The resemblance is so striking.
GUNN
It’s not her, Wes.
WESLEY
Don’t you think I know that? I know she’s gone. I know there’s no chance of her coming back. I know that her soul was destroyed by that… that thing…
GUNN
Whoa, we’re back to calling Illyria “that thing” now? Whatever happened to I-know-I’ll-teach-her-about-humanity-so-she-can-stay-on-this-plain-of-existence Wesley?
WESLEY
…but it’s like she’s here. It’s like a part of her survived. All my certainties and uncertainties are being brought into question by this… one inkling of a prospect. It’s stupid of me to let myself question anything, but she spoke like Fred when we first met. It’s like she was making the effort to sound like her, to let me know she was somehow… all right. She doesn’t sound like that anymore. She sounds secretive and suspicious, but for a minute or two… she sounded just like Fred.
A pause. Wesley clears his throat.
WESLEY [cont’d]
Angel could use some speaking to. Why don’t I do that.
GUNN
You sure? Probably smells like evisceration in there.
WESLEY
You should find Anya and get more on the case. I’m sure we’ll be out shortly.
Wesley brushes past Gunn and steels himself before quickly opening the doors to Angel’s office and shutting them behind him. Once inside, he slowly exhales through his mouth. Oh God, he thinks. I can almost taste the blood in the air. He forces back the temptation to gag and keeps his nostrils firmly plugged.
WESLEY [cont’d]
Anya isn’t wrong, you know.
He guessed correctly that Angel could and did hear every bit of the conversation they’d had in the hallway.
ANGEL
Do you remember the speech I gave during that glamour?
WESLEY
I’m not likely to forget it.
ANGEL
You may as well. Turns out all of it was a big pile of BS anyway.
WESLEY
How could that possibly be? We achieved our goal—
ANGEL
That’s exactly what we didn’t do. The entire purpose of the exercise was to show the Senior Partners that they didn’t own us. Yeah, we killed every member of the Black Thorn… on that plain. I’m willing to bet they’re still alive and kicking here, and that I’m a prominent member, judging by my recent promotion.
WESLEY
We fought hard. For one fleeting moment, we had control.
ANGEL
No, we didn’t. We thought we had control. But it turns out the entire thing was prophesized the entire time. We were played. The Senior Partners do own us, and in bringing us here to live out our lives again, they’ve proven it. There’s nothing more we can do. We’ve lost. And in my big plot to bring about a change, I’ve made myself an even bigger player in the coming apocalypse rather than a smaller one.
WESLEY
Angel…
ANGEL
In pulling that stunt, I may have actually caused the end of the world, and in asking you to help me… you and Gunn and everyone else… I’ve made you a part of it. There isn’t a word for how completely I failed. I actually succeeded in the wrong direction.
WESLEY
Angel.
ANGEL
You know, in most law firms, I’d have to be a lawyer to make partner, but here? Nah. I just have to be extremely evil. I was fooling myself, all these years having a soul… I was never good. I can never be good. I’m still a vampire, and whether it’s voluntary or not…
WESLEY
Angel.
ANGEL
What?
Angel finally turns around in his chair to face Wesley and…
ANGEL [cont’d]
Connor?
His son smiles grimly against the smell of dying flesh still hanging in the elevator shaft.
CONNOR
Hey, dad.
Angel’s face remains completely blank. Wesley can see that he’s torn between joy and even more hatred at himself; he’d gotten his son killed by his actions, and now somehow he, too, was condemned to a lifetime at Wolfram and Hart. Angel blinked hard and picked a folder off the desk, handing it to Wesley.
ANGEL
Can you handle the case on your own?
WESLEY
Of course.
ANGEL
Good. Go do that. Keep me posted. Connor, sit down.
Wesley can’t leave the room quickly enough. Even as he walks out into the lobby, he can hear Connor’s request to find another place to have a conversation, like maybe somewhere non-evisceratey. Wesley makes a beeline for his office, where Gunn and Anya are still pouring over the newspapers in search of any clues. They both immediately recoil when Wesley walks in.
GUNN
So how’d the talk with Angel go?
WESLEY
We’re on our own here. Angel’s busy being furious with himself… in the process, I think he actually convinced me to be furious with him, too. I think I’d like to keep things close for the moment, so let’s just have us and Alexa work on this case right now.
GUNN
Uh… Wes, I don’t mean to ruin the plan here, but if you’re looking to keep things close, I think we should keep Alexa out of this one. We still don’t know where her loyalties lie.
ANYA
Hello. Let’s not forget about me. You don’t know where my loyalties lie, either. I could be setting you up for a fall, for all you know. Maybe this is a trap. Maybe I’m just trying to get you killed. Ever think about that, huh?
Wesley straightened and smiled at Anya. She couldn’t help but take a step back, and not just because he exerted evisceration fumes.
WESLEY
Since you’ve met us here, all you’ve said is that you’re the new liason to the Senior Partners. Everyone just assumed that you worked for Angel. But since that doesn’t seem to be true, you have to work for someone here. Since you came to us, I can only assume that you work for either Gunn or I. Therefore, I know exactly where your loyalties lie: with us. If this is a trap, you’re going to be punished in many different senses, and I doubt either you or the Senior Partners would risk that at this point in the game. Now, I suggest you go and fetch Alexa from her lab. Tell her we’re not angry, we’d just like her help with the case.
ANYA
Fine. But don’t expect me to ask you “how high” every time you tell me to jump. Just because I work for you, doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. And you should really take a shower. You smell like intestines.
Wesley looks only slightly affronted. He smells his jacket and winces.
WESLEY
Right then. As soon as we go over the case, I’ll shower, and you and Alexa hypothesize when and where they’ll show up next.
He pauses and looks down at his feet.
WESLEY [cont’d]
I hope you don’t mind me giving orders, Charles. You have just as much authority to do so as I do, maybe more.
GUNN
I’m no leader, Wes. Sometime, if both you and Angel are out of commission, I’ll be the first to step up and command, but it seems like a lot of pressure to me. At the same time, anything you tell me to do is subject to my free will; if I don’t think it’s right, I won’t do it. Fair?
WESLEY
Fair. And well-said.
GUNN
Yeah. Sometimes the upgrade…
He stops. Wesley also stops. They both stare at their feet for a minute. Finally Gunn opens the folder and leans over it. Wesley does the same. Both their attentions are drawn away, however, when Connor flies through the hallway and lands hard on the ground. Angel leaps after him and slams him against the wall.
ANGEL
I expect you to do as I ask.
Connor pushes Angel off him and punches him in the face.
CONNOR
Okay, one: I’ve known you for maybe two years of my entire life, and that was in a different reality. Two: I’m nineteen. I’ve never listened to you; why should I start now? Three: I wasn’t just going to leave you to die. I followed you, so what? I figured you could use the help.
ANGEL
You had a future. You had a family. You were going to Stanford. You threw that all away because of me, and I’m the reason you’re here in the first place. You should have listened.
CONNOR
Maybe I should have, but I don’t regret what I did.
ANGEL
I do.
Angel delivers two consecutive blows in Connor’s direction, both of which he blocks easily. Angel growls and vamps out. He flips himself over Connor’s head and kicks him in the back onto the ground, pinning him there with his knees.
CONNOR
Jesus, what’s your problem?
ANGEL
I’m sorry, Connor. I’m the cause of all of this.
Wesley realizes exactly what Angel intends to do and swears under his breath, pulling a knife from within his coat and dashing out into the hall.
ANGEL [cont’d]
I really do love you, Connor.
He pulls Connor to his feet, turns him around, and breaks his neck.
[END OF ACT THREE]
---
[ACT FOUR]
July, 1776
HALFRAEK
You what.
ANYANKA
I… signed a contract for another life.
HALFRAEK
With that abomination of an organization? They’re planning for an apocalypse. Right away that should tell you to run in the other direction. Nobody plans for an apocalypse, they just… bring it about. What on earth inspired you to even consider signing up for another life? You’re immortal, hello.
ANYANKA
I know, but D’Hoffryn’s been getting on my case lately. Says I used to be his star pupil, and that if I don’t step it up, he’ll make me mortal again. So I just figured… in the event of my sudden death, regardless of whether it’s by explosion or by natural causes, I could stand being immortal again.
HALFRAEK
Anyanka, have you completely lost your mind? D’Hoffryn would never do that to you unless you deserved it! He’s just trying to inspire you.
ANYANKA
…Well, all the same…
HALFRAEK
You’re not getting it, Anyanka. Wolfram and Hart don’t just give out extra lives at will. I had this friend once. Did the exact same thing as you; was offered an immortality contract in return for running a few errands. Her boss found out what she’d done—not D’Hoffryn, thank the Gods—and eviscerated her on the spot. Of course, she went on to her second life… but she was doomed to work for Wolfram and Hart forever. A servant. A lackie. And now that’s your fate, too, should you ever die.
ANYANKA
Surely they would have informed me of such a clause if it applied to me…
HALFRAEK
Did you even read the contract?
ANYANKA
…I scanned it.
HALFRAEK
Anyanka, Anyanka. Always read the fine print. If I were you, I would march right over to the nearest Wolfram and Hart branch and threaten to eviscerate each and every last one of them if they didn’t make it void.
ANYANKA
You don’t know that’s how it is, Hallie. And what is it with you and evisceration, anyway?
HALFRAEK
I do know that’s how it is, but if you’re so comfortable with the notion of backup immortality, who am I to stand in the way?
ANYANKA
Exactly.
HALFRAEK
Just because I’ve never been wrong before, doesn’t mean you should trust me.
Anyanka glares at Halfraek, who sits and drinks her tea with a smirk on her face. Close in on Anyanka’s face as her expression changes from annoyance to dread as she thinks about what an immortal lifetime at Wolfram and Hart could mean. Cut to the
Present
Wesley stares into a cage containing Angel, hands in his pockets, face expressionless. Angel, in turn, is sitting in a corner of the cage. He’s raged, he’s cried, he’s tried to find a splinter to off himself with… pretty much anything a father who just broke his son’s neck should do. Now he just sits, face in his knees. He hasn’t moved in a while. Wesley simply stares. Gunn walks slowly up behind him.
GUNN
He’s gonna live.
Angel looks up, his face caught somewhere between vampire and human. Wesley again notices his struggle between joy and misery.
WESLEY
Is he paralyzed?
GUNN
Hard to say, but the chances are in favour of him being fine.
He pauses. Wesley doesn’t react.
GUNN [cont’d]
They say it’s a miracle he’s alive at all because the break was so clean.
Wesley still doesn’t move.
GUNN [cont’d]
They’re saying no one human could have possibly survived that, let alone have a sixty per cent chance of being able to walk around in a week or two.
Wesley makes a vague noise of assent deep in his throat. Gunn starts to lose it.
GUNN [cont’d]
Do you… you know, know him? Because I heard you call him “Connor”, and that’s what Angel called him right before he snapped his neck, so I can’t help but feel like there’s something you’re not telling me.
Wesley’s head bows. He sighs heavily.
WESLEY
There was a spell cast as a condition of our contract with Wolfram and Hart. Connor was… becoming a danger to himself, and others, so Angel made a deal to alter reality. Connor wouldn’t remember any of us, and none of us would remember Connor except Angel.
GUNN
So what makes you immune?
WESLEY
I found out that Angel altered reality after Fred died. I thought perhaps the deal was to sacrifice Fred in exchange for… something. I didn’t know. I asked Illyria to help me uncover what he’d done. Connor, Illyria and I were all in the vicinity at the time… we got our memories back. No one else did because they weren’t in the room.
GUNN
Uh-huh. And when was this exactly, Wes?
WESLEY
You were in the holding dimension, getting your heart torn out daily.
GUNN
Oh. Right.
Gunn brings a hand to his chest unconsciously. Then he crosses his arms and stands beside Wesley, joining him in staring at the slightly psychotic vampire.
GUNN [cont’d]
So, uh… how long have we known Angel was… you know.
WESLEY
I don’t think he’s Angelus. Angelus would have taken much more care with killing Angel’s son.
GUNN
Angel’s… son? So Angel and Connor weren’t…
WESLEY
Weren’t…?
GUNN
Nevermind.
A pause.
GUNN [cont’d]
That conversation they had actually makes a lot more sense now.
Gunn suppresses a spiel of giggles. Wesley covers his mouth with one hand and chuckles into it. Their fun is interrupted, however, when the door to the basement/dungeon opens and an “oof” is heard as someone falls down a few of the stairs.
ALEXA
Guys, guys. We just caught word. A hospital downtown was blown up. A surviving patient described a chuckle or something seemingly coming from nowhere. I mean, he was a mental patient, but…
WESLEY
It’s something. Do you have the address?
ALEXA
Yes. Anya has a vehicle waiting out front.
WESLEY
Good. Let’s go.
He and Gunn jog up the stairs past Alexa. Gunn walks through the door, but Wesley stops and looks back.
WESLEY [cont’d]
Are you coming?
ALEXA
Can I?
WESLEY
Of course.
A grin spreads across Alexa’s face as she scurries up the stairs after Wesley.
*
A fireman heads back to a fire truck. Wesley approaches him and silently tries out his American accent.
WESLEY
Excuse me, what happened here?
The fireman turns and gives Wesley a once-over.
FIREMAN
Who wants to know?
Wesley sighs pretend-exasperatedly and pulls out a badge from within his coat.
WESLEY
Agent Pryce of the FBI. I was just a few blocks away, dining—er, eating dinner when I heard the explosion. I’m just inquirrrwondering what’s going on here.
FIREMAN
We were called out here fifteen minutes ago. The entire building had already collapsed by the time we got here… there wasn’t much work left for us to do.
WESLEY
Any word on what caused the explosion?
FIREMAN
A bomb in the basement, I’m told, but don’t quote me on that.
WESLEY
Are there any suspects? Witnesses?
FIREMAN
Not really. There was one mental patient who was certain he saw the window open and heard laughing as he was wandering around outside, but how reliable can that be, right?
WESLEY
Any lead is a good lead. Could you point out the gentleman in question for me?
The fireman points to a man with a walker already in avid conversation with Alexa. Wesley thanks the fireman for his help and walks back toward Anya. Gunn meets him along the way.
GUNN
Nothin’ new. You?
WESLEY
As usual, the public is meticulously uninformed.
GUNN
You know you could have just said “no,” right?
Wesley doesn’t respond. He’s looking off into the distance, undoubtably at Alexa. Surprise, surprise. As they stand by Anya, Gunn notices a disgusted expression on her face.
ANYA
Look at them all. Just… loitering about with their various mobility apparatuses, their skin melting off their faces and arms. It’s one thing with demons. They’re supposed to look like that. But old people don’t have any excuse. They just want to be as gross as possible to make everyone else dread being old. I mean, not me. I don’t have to get old anymore. I get to have my properly fitting skin forever. But—
WESLEY
Alexa, what have you found?
ALEXA
It’s our guys, all right. Big with the evil cackles and the sneaking in and out of windows.
GUNN
Are you sure we can trust him, though? I mean, he is crazy.
ALEXA
He’s not crazy. He’s just misled in a lot of matters. I straightened him out. He’s a normal member of society now.
This proclamation is met with a deafening silence. All eyes are on Alexa. This does not go unnoticed on her. She blushes and shrinks under their gazes.
ALEXA [cont’d]
I’ll explain later. In the meantime, I think it’d be best if we split up, but Wesley’s the b—
All of a sudden, her eyes widen and she starts flailing as she floats thickly backwards. Wesley frowns and opens his mouth to ask her what the matter is, but his lips meet instead with a gag. An unintelligible whisper in his ear distracts him as a hypodermic needle is inserted into Wesley’s neck. He feels himself being dragged into some nearby bushes as the world fades to black.
*
Wesley is vaguely aware of motion on either side of him. He jerks his head up and hits it against a metal post behind him. He groans.
ANYA
Well, it’s about time. You and Gunn just don’t wake up without a fight, do you?
WESLEY
I apologize if my unconsciousness was inconvenient.
ANYA
Well, it was. I’ve been calling you for ages. You just kept on being unconscious, like I wasn’t even here.
WESLEY
Where is here?
ANYA
I don’t know. Some basement somewhere. It’s dark and damp and smells like alcohol.
WESLEY
A wine cellar perhaps?
ALEXA
Not that kind of alcohol. It’s sharper, more like rubbing alcohol. And it’s coming from upstairs.
WESLEY
So we are in a basement.
ALEXA
Yeah, the stairs are about twelve feet in front of me.
WESLEY
You can see twelve feet in front of you? I can’t see twelve inches in front of me.
ALEXA
I can see in the dark.
Gunn has been slowly coming to at the sound of conversation. He lifts his head up and tries to glance at Alexa.
GUNN
Too many carrots as a kid, or what?
ALEXA
Nevermind.
WESLEY
Gunn, are you behind me?
GUNN
We’re all tied to this metal post.
Wesley tugs at his hands and realizes that they are, indeed, tied to the metal post.
WESLEY
Oh.
Then he giggles a little. Anya furrows her brow.
ANYA
What are you laughing for? This isn’t funny.
WESLEY
It is, a little bit.
ANYA
How is this possibly funny? We’re stuck in this smelly room where we can’t see anything and can’t move. Clearly we’ve been kidnapped.
Gunn giggles, too. Wesley giggles back. Alexa sighs.
ALEXA
They’re still loopy from the anesthetic. Give them a while.
ANYA
Oh. Why didn’t we get anesthetic? I want to see the light of this situation.
ALEXA
We did get anesthetic. It’s just that we’re both… um… different than them, so it didn’t do much.
ANYA
What, was it like anesthetic for males only?
ALEXA
…Yeah. Sure. Let’s go with that.
Their conversation is interrupted by an open door. Blinding light pours in. The door closes, seemingly of its own accord. Wesley attempts to compose himself.
WESLEY
Who’s there?
VOICE
I ask the questions. I do. That’s my job. I’m not the one who’s kidnapped, that’s for sure. That means I ask the questions.
WESLEY
Righto then. Carry on.
VOICE
Which one of you is Angel?
WESLEY
Oh, he’s not here.
VOICE
Lies!
WESLEY
No, no. No lies. He’s locked up at the moment.
VOICE
That statement is true to you, too.
Gunn giggles.
GUNN
True to you too. True to you too. Heee.
VOICE
Shut up!
GUNN
Sor-ry, grumpy pants.
Wesley bursts into laughter. Alexa rolls her eyes and sighs.
ALEXA
Look. Angel’s not here. We were on a job for him when you snatched us up.
VOICE
Hmmm. Where is he, then?
ALEXA
Why? What difference would it make?
VOICE
We’re on a job ourselves.
ALEXA
Oh really? Doing… what, exactly?
VOICE
None of your business. Angel was supposed to be here.
ALEXA
Well, he’s not.
VOICE
…Fine.
Footsteps are audible up the stairs. The door opens and closes again of its own accord.
ALEXA
Well, that was successful. No thanks to you two.
WESLEY
Sorry. As we woke up, the loopiness got a little more intense. I’m a bit better now. How about you, Gunn?
GUNN
Yeah. Everything’s starting to look pretty damn depressing, so I guess it must be wearing off.
WESLEY
But, you know, you’ve got to make light of a bad situation.
GUNN
Yeah.
WESLEY
I mean really. It wouldn’t be terribly fun to just sit here and brood.
GUNN
Yeah. Like Angel does. He just sits and broods.
WESLEY
And it just doesn’t look fun.
ALEXA
Guys! Shut up. We’ve really got ourselves into a mess here. How much do you want to bet they’re sitting up there deciding to kill us now that they don’t have Angel?
WESLEY
Oh dear.
ALEXA
Yeah, oh dear. We’ve gotta think fast. I can’t read her m…face. Because I can’t see her face. Because she’s invisible. So I don’t really know what we’re dealing with. None of us do.
ANYA
I don’t think they’ll kill us. I think they’ll be too busy causing mass destruction and looking for Angel that we’ll starve to death.
ALEXA
Well, we’ll die, and it’ll be their faults.
WESLEY
What did we say? Now we’re brooding. And it’s just…
GUNN
No fun.
WESLEY
Yeah. No fun.
ANYA
I thought they said they were getting better.
ALEXA
It must not have been normal anesthetic. They’re getting worse instead of better. Probably a mystical whosit.
ANYA
…I’ve heard that phrase before.
The door opens and closes again. This time a cell phone floats down the stairs.
VOICE
Who’s Angel most likely to listen to?
WESLEY
Ooh, me.
ALEXA
Oh, no you don’t. Not in this state.
GUNN
Aw, c’mon, let him.
ALEXA
It’s not like Angel’s going to be picking up a phone anytime soon, anyway. He’s all wiggy in the dungeon, remember?
ANYA
You’re just chock full of impersonations today, aren’t you?
VOICE
One of you is going to get on the phone right now and tell Angel that if he doesn’t get here by sunrise, you’ll all be tortured and killed right here in this basement.
A beat as everyone lets this sink in.
GUNN
Nobody’s any fun today!
WESLEY
Yeah. Lighten up, invisible lady. Tell a joke or something. …Fine, if no one else will… knock knock?
[END OF EPISODE]
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