Xander downed the dregs of his beer moodily.
One of the serious constraints of being a zombie, he was learning, was the inability to get drunk. Death told him it was to do with his incapability to metabolite alcohol. Although he was walking and talking, he was basically a corpse - lacking the simplest functions necessarily for this task.
As Death was deeply into his ninth drink, his skull bobbing woozily on his spine, Xander was less than convinced by that explanation.
Xander climbed unsteadily to his feet, more out of stubbornness than any sense of intoxication. He considered urinating, but dismissed the idea until he had a better grasp on his anatomy.
He lurched out of the bar, into the cool, crisp night air. Ignoring past failures, he tried to think.
I'm a Xombie. He thought. What do I do?
He dismissed most ideas out of hand. Going and living in a mates shed and playing playstation games seemed about the best he could come up with. Unfortunately none of his friends owned any decent games. He had a briefly herrifying (between terrifying and horrifying) image of living with Andrew, then blanked the idea out with comforting visions of eating his brain. That had nothing to do with being a zombie, he was sure.
He wandered aimlessly down the street, lost in his bleak thoughts. What am I going to do?
I'm a zombie. Evil, undead monster. He reasoned. Unless I have sex with her, Buffy will never accept me.
He pushed that though aside, noticing disgustedly that certain previously natural reactions from his body weren't happening. Great. I'm an impotent zombie too.
I can't ask Buffy for help. Not after last month with the demon crabs. He dismissed the idea. So who else? What do I do?
He stopped, amazed the idea had taken so long to be noticed.
Willow! Since he was still in diapers (and she'd never let on to anyone quite how long that was), she'd been his guardian angel. She was uber witch. If anyone could help him, it was her!
He felt his certainty wane. She was in Venice, visiting Buffy, half way across the planet. His skin was already turning a distinctly unhealthy greenish tint and people were avoiding him more than usual. How could he reach her?
He meandered along the road, ignoring the confused and fearful looks he got from pedestrians and the irate screams of motorists as his erratic shambling gait caused them to swerve blindly across the road. It just seemed the natural way to travel.
Without warning he felt a hand grasp him and pull him into another dingy alley, away from the generic traffic of city life.
He twisted to glimpse his assailant, and succeeded only in glimpsing a fist as it connected with his jaw.
He somersaulted backwards, landing on his head. He rolled in an ungainly fashion, coming to face his assailant. “What?” he spluttered indignantly.
“Time to die foul fiend! Your days of preying on the innocent are numbered foul... erm field!”
“Field?”
“Sorry, that was a typo.”
Xander clambered to his feet laboriously. He peered into the gloom, trying to make out his assailant. “Ok, but if you want me to have days of preying, you're going to have to wait a while. I'm not that religious.”
A fist shot out of the shadows and connected with his chin with a crack.
“Don't mock me fiend.” the voice warned petulantly.
Xnader backpedaled, rubbing his chin. “Ok, hold on there voice! I'm not mocking you. There is no mocking going on here, unless it's of my fighting prowess. Look, I'm one of the good guys! The slayers can vouch for me. I -”
This time, mostly by blind luck, he was able to avoid the kick that was aimed at him. He spun and faced his assailant as the momentum carried her out of the shadows.
He stared. He gawked even. He was willing to go so far as say he goggled. He gaped incredulously at the petite blonde who crouched in a fighting stance before him.
She moved cautiously towards him, her fists raised readily. “You can't escape me, foul – Xander?”
Xander tried to collect his wits like a man trying to collect sand with a sieve.
“Harmony?”
“Oh my god! Its so good to see you!”
The last thing Xander was prepared for was Harmony suddenly spring towards him, wrapping herself around him in a very enthusiastic hug. For the first time in the night, he felt grateful certain parts weren't responding.
“uh, hi Harm.” he managed to say.
Harmony pulled back form him suddenly, her face looking up at his in bewilderment. It took im a moment to notice the difference.
“Wait a second. You're evil!” she tried to pull away from him, failing as she still had her arms wrapped around him. “Did you think you could trap me that easily? Lure me in with your masculine wiles then stake me unaware?” she pulled away with a triumphant tug, much to Xanders relief. “No way, buster! I'm Harmony, I help the homeless! I defend the defenseless. I save poor people form demons, even when they smell funny.”
In his defense, Xander really did try not to laugh.
“So, Harmony,”he considered the offended pout she wore, “You've taken over from Angel then?”
“Yeah, since him and Spike moved to the Carribean, I though, there's got to be a opening for me. A nitch or one of those things.”
“Just to check, but you still don't have a soul?” Xander had never really believed she had one when she was alive anyway.
“Whats that got to do with anything?”” Harmony demanded irritably.
“Oh, nothing. Its just usually a... sort of a prerequisite of being a hero?”
To his astonishment, Harmony seemed to understand. “Yeah I know. Like this one time, I tried to get a job as a,” her brow wrinkled with consideration, “parmaco – pharmoconni - something to do with eating, i mean testing, animals for drug companies, and they told me I needed qualifications and experience. That's so not fair, its discrimination!”
Xander was definitely getting better at keeping a straight face. “So you're a what – excuse me a moment, my cheek itches, i'm not grinning! A champion now?”
“Oh, yeah. I save people and stuff. I've even got my own crew and an office and everything.” Harmony beamed proudly, “So, you're a zombie yeah, how'd that happen?”
Xander scuffled his foot self consciously. “I died.”
“Yeah, tell me about it. Suck eh?”
“Yep.” he agreed wholeheartedly.
“So, wanna come hang out with me?”
Xander considered it. As ideas went, he couldn't think of anything worse.
“Alright, why not?”
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