Good Norwich and eke fair Loughborough,
Get thee hence to Buckinham's county fine,
And there in the town that nestles twixt
Steep valley sides and is Wycombe yclept
Speak unto that baseborn scribe whose name
Is blazoned forth as vogonguard and say:
Thou ownest not the rights to Buffy!
And if thou dost to fools and ne'erdowells
this lie proclaim, straightwise our Justice
Like a mighty flame shall scorch thee
Hot and hard and mightily singe thy naughty bits!
From the TRAGICAL HISTORY OF BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER by Wm. Shaggspure.
*****
Angel strode down the street, looking for something, anything he could hit. Hard. He began to see the attraction of Buffy’s idea of beating up the nearest Balance Demon. You could find every other sort of demon in Sunnydale. Perhaps there was a Balance Demon drinking down at Willy’s who he could take his frustrations out on. Damned interfering know-it-all Balance Demons who take a man, well, all right a vampire out of the gutter where he’s reasonably happy living on rats and put him down in sight of the most ungrateful, unfaithful, stupid blonde girl in the entire….
“Hey, big fella! Wait up!”
His internal rant interrupted he turned to see the figure of the other one, the other Slayer following him.
“Look, if you don’t mind…”
”…you’d rather be alone ‘cause you want to go off and brood and like that. Huh? Now, let me tell you, that would be a really dumb idea. I’ve had that idea and I’ve followed it right through to the end and it leads you places you don’t wanna go. Trust me on this.”
”Look…uhhh…”
”Faith.”
”Right. It’s very nice of you, but I really…”
”Look, it’s not that I’m being nice particularly but you helped me when I needed it or you will do or you might have done or you would have done if things had gone the way they would have and anyway you look at it I’m not going to let you go off on your own and make things worse between you and B by brooding. So I’m coming with you. Can’t stop me, ‘cause I’m a Slayer. So there.”
”I’m not going back in there, not after…”
”No need. Let’s just walk. Take in the night air. Chill.”
”Hah! Chill, right. Okay, we walk…”
So they did, a fair way in silence. After a while, Angel’s ‘game face’ vanished. Then he stopped and said:
”We know each other?”
”Uh huh. Or will or might have….”
“Don’t go there again.”
”Umm, right. Yeah.”
”Did we ever….”
”You and me? Oh hell no. Not that I’d have said no, I very rarely say no, but you were always brooding over someone else. Usually B. And she was mad enough at me when I stole her other boyfriend….”
“You slept with Spike?”
”No, there was this human guy she dated in college…”
”I do not want to know.”
”Yeah, understand that.”
“So how did we know each other?”
”Well, you helped me when I was at my worst. Right in the ground. Helped me see what I had to do. And afterwards you used to come to visit me.”
”Visit you?”
”In jail. After I turned myself in.”
Angel stopped walking at that and turned to look at her. She shifted from one foot to another.
“Hi! I’m Faith Lehane and I’m the Baaad Slayer. The Dark Slayer. Escaped felon. On the run from the State of California Penal System (well, not yet. Not here and now, obviously). Murder in the Second degree. Plea bargain. Twenty years to life.”
“You killed someone.”
”Yeah. Not a nice someone but a human. A person. Happened right around there, down that alleyway, see. Mostly because I was too hyped on being a Slayer and being on the Hellmouth and being all screwed up inside…. I’d sold myself a line about how Slayers are just killing machines and how I didn’t care to be anything else and this guy…. He got in the way of that. And after that… I did some really, really dumb things. Until you helped me. Until I decided to stop and think. To let them take me in. You can do a lot of thinking in jail.”
”Twenty years to life’s worth.”
”Uh huh. Of course, I’m out now. Got busted out to help in one apocalypse in LA and then got drafted by Willow into another in good ol’ Sunnyhell. Don’t know what I’m going to do when I get back. Seems a waste to go back behind bars when there’s stuff I could be doing….”
“Hard life on the run. Hiding every day.”
”You’d know.”
”Yeah.” He stared into the distance for a while. “Thing is, that’s where I was when Whistler found me. Hiding. Living on rats and sleeping in cardboard boxes…”
”Hey, now I cannot feature you doing that. You’ve always been…. a very stylish sort of gentleman!”
”Ah, clean sheets and hair gel and all that…. You learn to do without if you really want to hide… And I thought I had gotten away from that, found something worth living for, someone….”
”It’s complicated, man. And just because B’s taste for older men isn’t confined to yourself…”
”It’s…. It’s also that it’s Spike! Does that sound childish? It’s the fact that I sired his Sire, that I’ve known him since before he picked up that stupid accent from Drusilla… If anyone was ever Sire-whipped it was Spike!”
”Well, yeah. Now you mention it, it does sound pretty childish. For what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t love him. Not the way she does you. But he loved her. I could see that much. He didn’t want to talk about what he had to do to get his soul back but it wasn’t a whim. Nor was dying for her.”
”That should have been me….”
”Maybe. You that eager to die?”
He stood for a long moment and then said simply “No.” And then started walking along again.
They came to the main strip of Sunnydale (such as it was) and stood on the corner together watching people go by. After a while he turned to Faith and said:
”What sort of stupid things?”
”Oh, really, really dumb things that you do when you decide you’re not worth anything and you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and have a good time on your way to hell. Basically, I changed sides, rooted for the bad guys, decided they were going to win and I was going to help them. Dumb stuff like that. I… hurt some people. No, let’s be honest, I tortured some people. Hell, I tried to kill you. Twice.”
”Really? Didn’t work though?”
”Nah. Came that close, ‘cause, y’know, I’m a Slayer. But my bosses wanted stuff that was too elaborate, you know, not a quick clean kill, and Buffy and the Scoobies, they pulled you through. And the second time you actually pulled the arrow out of the air after I’d shot it at you. Now that was cool!”
“Thank you.”
“De nada.”
“How did I… What turned you around?”
”I… I think I got so low… That I had to admit that I hated what I’d made of myself. That I wanted to die. And you understood that and refused to kill me. Despite all I’d done. So, you know, thank you.”
He nodded and started their walk again off down the street, through the people coming out of cinemas and restaurants. He paused by a newsstand and asked her:
”Is there nothing you want to do, nobody you want to contact? Give a warning to? Just say hello to?”
She shook her head and wandered to the newsstand, looking down at a copy of the SUNNYDALE PRESS. The headline read: “MAYOR PRAISES VETERAN LIBRARIAN.” There was a photo of His Honour giving some sort of award to a little old lady. (Who probably sacrificed borrowers to dark gods if they failed to return their books on time, this being Sunnydale.)
”Nope. Nobody. I couldn’t…. make a difference. Not to him. Not to turn him aside from… And if I met him…. He was good to me. He… I meant something to him. Despite what he had become. What he’d chosen for himself. Don’t know that I could resist that.”
She stood staring and the paper for a few moments while Angel watched in silent puzzlement. And then she picked up the paper and said:
”Oh My GAHD!”
”What?”
”Is this… Hey, mister! Is this today’s paper? Is this today’s date?”
”Yeah, and if you’re going to wear it out, that’ll be….”
Faith turned to Angel, dropping the paper back on the pile.
“What time is it?”
”About nine fifty five. Why?”
”What…. Oh, Christ! I can never figure this out… What’s the time on the East Coast now? Never mind! Where’s there a phone box that works in this crappy town. Right! Over there. I remember! Have you got any change? Gimme! All of it!”
Angel didn’t ask questions but let her run to the nearest phone box with all his loose money. He got there as she paused for a moment and punched in a number from memory.
“Come on, you daffy old broad, come on… She’s got to be there… She’s… Oh, hi! Is that Miss Price? Listen, this is very important! Please can you tell me what time it is there? Yes, please! I know it’s… The time please. Look, lady you’re going to regret it the rest of your life… Okay. Good, that’s good. Listen to me carefully, this is about the Potential you’re Watching, the girl in the top floor apartment. Never mind who I am just now. This is about Faith. In about... In about an hour’s time her father is going to come home. Yeah, yeah I know. They let him out. I don’t know why. They didn’t tell the family. Some sort of screwup. He’s out and he’s already snorting coke with some of his buddies. Drinking too. And in about an hour he’s going to hit the old homestead with one thing on his mind. Mom…. The mother’s going to be out cold by then and he won’t find that any fun at all and then he’s going to remember he has a daughter. Well, what do you think he’s going to try to do? Uh huh. She’s a fighter, that Faith. She’s been keeping a knife under her pillow since her Mom was with that low life Franco. Didn’t know that huh? You should be Watching more carefully. Well, if you don’t want to have her come pounding on your door asking you for help to get rid of his body, you’d better make sure he doesn’t get into the building. Well, you’re the Watcher! Use whatever hocus pocus you’ve got handy. He ain’t too bright… You do that. Uh huh. Well, who do you think it is, Agnes? Be seeing you… Oh, and if a vamp called Kastikos comes after you, call for backup. Preferably with flamethrowers. Take care now…”
She hung up the phone and slumped against the wall, laughing and crying at the same time.
“I tell you man, there’s no pleasure like being one up on your… on your Wa…Watcher…”
And then the tears took over completely and she sank to the ground. Angel sat down beside her and waited. Some people passed by but ignored them in the true Sunnydale fashion.
“Shouldn’t have been so hard on her. She was… Real good to me. Far as I knew then she was just a crazy old English broad lived downstairs but somehow I knew if I went to her she’d help me. And she did. Got rid of the body. We took it down to this funeral parlour she knew. Run by a family of ghouls. Man, if you ever need to get rid of a body, ghouls are the people to go to.”
“Yeah, I know. You killed him?”
“Uh huh. I killed him. I killed my Daddy. He was an evil, scum-sucking, low-down son-of-a-whore who lived by pimping and selling drugs. He was going to r…rape me, his own daughter and I had to… I had to… but he was my Daddy and I killed him!”
”Yeah. I know. Me too.”
”What?”
”First thing I did. First thing Angelus did, right out of the grave. Killed my whole family, my father last of all so he’d know what he’d made out of his son. Thought it would mean I won. Thought I’d never have to feel what he made me feel ever again. I should have known….”
”Yeah. Every day I think…”
“Every night…”
”How do you live with it?”
”Hey, if you figure it out, let me know.”
She snorted and started to laugh again through the tears.
”Ahh, shit! You gotta tissue or something?” He produced a carefully folded handkerchief from inside his suit. “Thanks. You’re a gentleman and a vampire.” She wiped her cheeks and then said: “They don’t know. B. The others.”
”Do you think maybe you should tell them?”
”Maybe. Sometime. There’s a fella I left behind up time. He’s smarter than I am. I think maybe I’ll tell him first. Take his advice.”
“Advice is good. But don’t keep it inside yourself. Work it out. Get some help to work it out.”
“You ever take your own counsel?”
He snorted. “Not so you’d notice. But I’ve a lot more inside. It would take a whole lot to work it out. And most shrinks don’t work nights.”
“Uh huh.” She thought for a moment and then sat for a while folding his handkerchief. Then she looked at him and said: “Listen, there’s something I think I ought to tell you. Not sure I should: maybe I could do more harm than good. But there’s a chance I can make things turn out for the better…”
”Then you should tell me.”
”Yeah but see, there’s a good thing happened to you. Going to happen. It could have been a better thing but it’s a really Good Thing. You unnerstand? And I’m afraid if I tell you I might make the good thing not happen at all. What you think?”
”No way you can give me a hint?”
”I tell you part of it, I gotta tell you all of it. Or none.”
“Well, hell this night has probably screwed up most of our futures… I’m not going to be sleeping with Buffy any time soon, that’s for certain. I’d say go ahead, risk it.”
”Well, maybe you’re right. There’s prophecies involved, whole heap of them mixed up together. It might be that you can’t stop this happening no matter how hard you try… Okay. I got most of this from you when you came to visit me and some of it from a girl worked for you, called Fred…”
”A girl called Fred?”
”What can I tell you, chicks with weird names flock to you… And I got some of it from Willow, she could maybe give you some details I can’t… First thing, tell me: what’s the name Connor mean to you?”
Angel blinked. “I had an uncle called Connor. My father’s older brother.”
”Uh huh. Well, that makes sense. Okay, dokey, B told you that when you set up shop in LA you got up the noses of a law firm called Wolfram and Hart….”
And as she talked the people of Sunnydale walked on by, going about their business, oblivious as usual.
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