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Cordelia went through the rest of the day in an indifferent daze. She had retreated into a protective shell, and not even the friendly attempts of Buffy could draw her out of it. She volunteered no answers in class, neither did she talk to any of the students. Many people came up to talk to her that day, many of them guys hoping to line up a date that weekend, but she turned them all down dispassionately. During Lunch, she sat with Buffy and ate mechanically, paying no heed to whatever the Slayer was talking about. Something about Xander ... but she no longer cared.
Xander tried approaching her several times. She had walked away from him repeatedly, which only caused him to redouble to his efforts. It was apparent that Buffy had had a talk with him about their conversation earlier, but Cordelia was not mad. She felt ... nothing ... and it scared the hell out of both Buffy and Xander.
“I told you she wasn’t taking this well!” seethed Buffy, watching Cordy walk away from her for the gazillionth time.
Xander stared after his friend. “How was I supposed to know she felt that way?” he snapped, masking his concern for her under a thin veneer of impatience.
“You were her best friend for years, and you didn’t know?” asked Buffy incredulously, forgetting that she had only just found out herself that afternoon.
Xander could not think up an appropriate response to that. “Just shut up.”
* * *
He approached her again after school. He expected her to turn around and leave, but he didn’t want to keep her there by force. Not if she didn’t want to. “Cordy, we have to talk.”
Those dreaded words. First Buffy, then Ms. Calendar, then Giles, then ... Cordelia sighed, but instead of walking away like she had done all afternoon, she turned to face him, an unreadable expression on her face. She looked at him without saying a word. She was clearly not going to make it easy for him.
Xander fidgeted nervously. “I ... uh, first of all, I wanted to say that um ... about the kiss with Willow. She ... I ... well, I never got your note. She switched, and gave me an invite to meet her in the closet instead of you. She said she wanted to make up ...” He looked at her pleadingly. “I was weak! I’m sorry! I didn’t know you were going to open the door and see us ...” he stopped and took a deep breath. He wasn’t used to having difficulty with words. Not Xander Harris, Mr. Popular himself. He waited for her to say something, anything, that would ease his discomfort.
“Oh,” she said.
Xander looked at her incredulously. “Oh? That’s all you can say?”
She gave no reply, merely crossed her arms and waited. He ran his fingers through his hair apprehensively. The hard part was just coming up. “And, uh ... Buffy told me. About you liking me. Cordy ... I never knew! I’ve known you for years, and ... God, I know that must sound dumb, but ... okay, so I’m a moron. I’m sorry.”
Cordelia showed the first flicker of emotion he’d seen in her all day. “So do you think I’m crazy? Do you think I told Buffy that only to make Oz jealous?” she asked softly.
“I don’t know,” he replied honestly.
The words that she had been longing to tell him just spilled out of her. “I love you, Xander,” she told him quietly. “I have gone through so much crap to tell you that, more than you could ever know. You hurt my feelings by kissing her, and I don’t ... I don’t know if I can forgive you for that.” she thought sadly. She caught the eye of this Alternate-World Xander and smiled softly. “I never loved Oz. Ever. If it seemed like I did ... I was just covering up for my feelings for you.” She turned away, having revealed more about herself to him that she had ever done before. It was a strange, frightening feeling, having her feelings exposed to him like that.
“Cordy ...” he said, grabbing her arms and forcing her to look at him. “I ...”
She suddenly drew his head down to meet hers, pressing her lips urgently against his. She kissed him with all the pent-up passion she had for him, with all the love she had carried secretly within her. She had told Other Buffy that night at Homecoming. She had told This-World Buffy that morning in the bathroom. She had not been lying. She loved him so much it scared her. And as she kissed him, she tried to show him exactly how much she cared.
But there was a problem. He wasn’t kissing her back. He was not responding at all to the fervent kisses that she was giving him. She drew back from him, confused.
“Cordy ...” he said desperately. “I don’t love you.”
She took a step back; his words hitting her like a slap in the face. Worse. The look of anguish in her eyes showed him just how much his words had affected her. She stared at him mutely and then ran away.
* * *
Beep. “Cordy, it’s me. Xander. We were wondering why you didn’t show up at the library session after school. Giles and Ms. Calendar were worried. We were all worried. Um ... call me.”
Beep. “Hey! Xander here. Are you going to the Bronze tonight? Cause we are. And you should. Cause it’s fun. So, uh ... I’ll see you later.
Beep. “Hi. You know who! Just checking up on you. And uh ... I wanted to ask if you did that homework already for Phillips? Oh wait, it’s Friday. Never mind. Okay, bye.”
Beep. “C’mon, Cordy, I’m your best friend! Talk to me!”
Beep. “I’m sorry about what I said this afternoon. I know ... it must have hurt you, but ... god, I’m not good at this. Cordy, I have never thought of you as anything but a friend. My very best friend. The one I can always sit down with and tell stuff to. But that’s all. I’m sorry.”
Beep. “That last message sounded incredibly mean ... I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I’m so sorry. But ... oh never mind. Call me.”
Beep. “Hi. I know you must be furious at me, and what else can I say but that I’m sorry? I would never intentionally hurt you, you know that. Please pick up the phone.”
Beep. “Cordy ...”
Beep ...
Cordelia lay huddled up in her bed, listening to the messages go on and on. Once again, the feeling of déjà vu swept over her. she thought bitterly. She blinked away the tears that came involuntarily to her eyes.
The little voice urged her to pick up the phone and call him, but she resisted the urge. she asked herself. She flopped over to her stomach and put a pillow over her head in an effort to block the sound of her answering machine.
Beep. “Please, Cordy. Just listen to me ...”
“I don’t want to listen to you, Xander!” she shrieked at the voice on the machine. “I can’t keep doing this to myself! You’re just ... you just confuse me so much. Being around you confuses me, and I don’t like the feeling. Xander, I love you ... but this is just too hard for me to handle! I can’t deal with it all!” She started crying hysterically. “Why can’t anything go right for me? Even in this wish-world?”
She didn’t see the stranger that had been listening to her cries from the window. Angel watched her from his perch, his eyes dark with pity. He watched as she reached out and shoved the answering machine from her bedside table, effectively discontinuing the long string of messages Xander had left on her phone. He watched as she cried herself to sleep, only to wake up and cry some more. He watched, and he thought, and he wondered what to do to help his friend.
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