It felt like an eternity before I heard movement behind the wooden door I was now determined led to my destiny. After a few excruciatingly long moments, the door opened slightly to reveal a woman around 30. My brain took a moment as I stared at her, noticing how delicately beautiful she was, before I slowly began to stutter my apologies and move away from the door. Then I heard it. Softly, gently, from the inner sanctum of the apartment, I heard a simply question, “Nina, who is it?” and my world shattered. This woman belonged in that apartment and that apartment belonged to Angel. Or, at least that voice did. Perhaps, the deep recesses of my mind considered, this woman belonged to Angel.
I didn’t realize how long I must have been standing there, staring, shocked; feeling as though my world had fallen around me; feeling as if the proverbial cookie had finally crumbled. It must have been quite some time however, for the next time I looked up my eyes didn’t meet confused blue eyes, it met concerned brown ones, brown eyes attached to a man I had waited so long to see again, a man I wish I was invisible to right now. Quickly collecting both myself and my suitcase I stuttered a form of apology for intruding and attempted to both quickly and gracefully make my way up the stairs. Coming here had been a mistake. I knew that now. I wish I had known that yesterday, but you know what they say; hindsight is 20/20.
I just about made it to the very top of the stairs, at which I had every intention in breaking into a full speed run, when a very strong, yet gentle, hand clasped my upper arm. I didn’t want to turn around. I didn’t want to look into those eyes and I certainly didn’t want to let him see the tears that were threatening to spill from mine. I heard him say my name quietly, gently, and I suddenly hated my name. Somehow, it never managed to sound as beautiful coming from anyone’s lips but his. Taking a moment to collect myself I turn to look at him when a sudden realization hits me. Here we were, vampire and slayer, the epitome of star-crossed lovers, but that somehow, for the first time ever, that wasn’t the incredible thing; the fact that we were standing out in broad daylight was the truly unbelievable thing. My eyes quickly went to the hand grasping me and then roamed over his entire being. There was no sign of the sun’s effects, none other, I realized, than a slight sun-kissed tone to his generally fair pallor.
He stared down at me, realizing what I had noticed and his concerned expression turned to one of shame. I forcefully removed my arm from his grasp and sighed in relief as a taxi chose that moment to come toward us. This was certainly not what I had intended to find when I came back to L.A. Then again, I always seem to revert to a silly, naïve teenager where Angel is concerned. I suppose, even after all of this, I always will. Raising my arm, I flag down the taxi and take one last look at my Angel. He’s human now. I realize that. He’s been human for only God knows how long and he never came for me. As my heart broke one final time I tore my gaze from his and climbed into the back of the taxi muttering a quite “just drive”. Stealing one final glance through the back window, I watch as Nelly, or was it Nancy, walks up beside him, standing where my broken heart lay.
It hadn’t returned to me, I realize. After my heart shattered to a million pieces at his feet, it still hadn’t come back. Instead, it lay there, somehow still hoping that he would scoop it up and put it back together. In that moment I realize that no matter what happens, no matter how many times my heart is broken by him, Angel is the only person that will ever be able to lay claim to it. I sat there, heart broken, dying inside, and still completely in love; knowing without a doubt that his gaze continued to follow the taxi long after I had turned back around.
I provide the taxi driver with my father’s address, relieved that he called earlier to tell me that he was going to be at work until late; something that happens quite often and I’m pretty sure had a lot to do with my parents divorce. Suddenly, I feel 17 years old again; standing next to an ambulance, watching my future slip away from me. If possible, it hurt more this time. This is what it felt like when I was ripped from heaven. I had hoped, prayed, dreamed, and wished that one day Angel would become human. When Giles told me of the Shanshu prophecy, one part of me rejoiced and thanked God for proving that he hadn’t decided to make my life his own private tragedy while the other part of me was unable to believe it. Now, only moments ago, the proof stood before me and was then taken away faster than I was able to react. Once again, heaven stood before me and was then ripped from my grasp.
A part of me wanted to damn the fates. Why would they make my soul-mate someone I was never meant to have? Angel was my comfort in this cold, dark world, a beacon of light shining bright and reminding me that I wasn’t alone in this fight. Now he’s gone. I realize bitterly, however, the fates had no part in it this time. Even though everything within me was screaming that some darker power was behind this, I knew it wasn’t true. Angel had chosen not to come to me. I love him more than the air I breathe and when things had finally come to the point that we could be together, he had chosen someone else.
I hadn’t even noticed that we had pulled up to my father’s house until the cab driver turned to look at me expectantly. Looking out the side window, I realized that this house I had grown up in seemed foreboding for some reason. This had once been my home and now, without Angel at my side, I would never find home again. Handing the driver fare plus tip, I grabbed my suitcase and headed up the front steps, thinking that a house would never again feel like a home because there was no longer someone out there named Angel, who loved me.
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Please Read and Review -- first fic -- would love feedback!!
Thanks to all those who have already responded. It's your kind words that keep me writing!!!
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