Buffy sat, slouched on her couch twirling a stake in her hand with a pout. It was the night of Xander and Anya’s not-so-wedding. Willow and Dawn went back to Willow’s for a sleepover to give Buffy a little alone time.
Her mind drifted back to seeing Spike with his skank of a date earlier that day. If she had let herself in range to her, she probably would have ripped off her head and mounded it on a stick. The way she clung to him made Buffy want to gag. Said gagging almost occurred just thinking about it.
A knock on the door shook her out of her thoughts. “Who ever it is, they better be worth my brooding time.” She mumbled to herself. She dragged herself to the door and flung it open. “Tara! Hey…oh uh come in.” she moved out of the way to let her in, and then resumed her spot on the couch.
“Hey Buffy…how you doin’?” Tara asked sitting down beside her.
“I’m good…I’m okay.” Buffy answered with fake confidence.
“Are you sure, cause I saw the way you reacted about Spike’s date for the wedding.”
“Right. His date…you know I’m not suppose to say this, cause I’m the slayer and all, but: God how I wanted to kill her.” She and Tara shared a small giggle. “It shook me up a little more then I expected.” Letting out a sigh she continued. “Hell, a lot more than I expected. When I saw her I just-I got so jealous. Like if I couldn’t have him than no one else could…but I could have him, I just didn’t want him; but I do…want him. Does that make any sense what so ever?” Buffy looked over at Tara with a hopeful look.
Tara nodded. The truth was it didn’t make sense…she just let her continue to find out what she was trying to say. Buffy’s mind was out of sorts right now; of course she wasn’t going to make sense.
“I guess, I guess that I felt bad for using him the way I did…cause he would have done anything for me. I took advantage of that. But when I was with him I needed him…to make me feel better about myself. But I didn’t want to need him. So I broke it off. Ended it, and stopped myself from being so pathetic. I was in pain so I eased it by hurting him…” Buffy frowned. “He asked me if it hurt…seeing him with her.” She looked up at Tara again. “He wanted me to hurt. And I get it now. He wants me to know, what it’s like to want something that you can’t have…to feel the pain that I caused by shutting him down and blowing him off. I was stupid to think that I could just-get over him, ya know, just like that.”
“Sweetie you were just acting on impulse…maybe it was seeing Riley that made you break it off.” Tara stated soothingly.
“And there’s the other thing. Riley. And Angel for that matter. Angel had a dark side…he just didn’t talk about it, or-or admit to it. But Spike did, and he understood what I went through after I died…feeling like you’re living in darkness, wanting to just melt away from everything around you. We related in that way you know? And with Riley…he never even understood what I had to go through as being the slayer…all he cared about was what I wasn’t giving him, and how I was being distant. The only time I ever felt truly alive, was when I was dead…and Spike got that.” Buffy was near tears now and the next thing she said broke the dam. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life…but those two words I said to Spike are at the top of my list.”
“What two words?”
“It’s over…I should have never said them…I really didn’t want to say them. And I wish I never had.” She buried her face in her hands, and cried.
“Oh, honey…it’s gunna be okay.” Tara put a comforting hand on her back and rubbed in small circles.
“That tramp’s at his crypt right now, doing things with her, he would have been doing with me if I wasn’t so-” Her hands and sobs muffled her words.
“Sweetie…do you love him?”
Buffy’s head shot up to look at Tara. “Love? I don’t know…but I do know that I like him. And it could, or might be love one day…”
“Well that’s a start.” Tara replied with a smile. She knew that one of these days Buffy would realize just how right they were for each other.
“I just wish he was here, with me instead of her.” Buffy dropped her head back in her hands, but didn’t let anymore tears fall.
Tara stared straight ahead at the far doorframe, connecting the living room and the kitchen. “She dropped her hand from her back, her eyes wide. “Uh, Buffy…I’m no vengeance demon, but uh…I think you just got your wish.”
“Huh?” Buffy looked up at Tara, and frowned noticing her spacey eyes. She followed her gaze and saw Spike as he entered the living room. “Spike!”
“Hello, luv.”
“Oh, um…I’m just gunna go. You two really need to talk so-yeah.” Tara got up, noticing neither heard a word she just said. She walked out the door with a smile on her face.
Buffy got up and walked towards him. “How much did you hear?” her voice was soft and wavered slightly as tears came to her eyes once again.
“From ‘I’ve made a lot of mistakes’.”
“It’s true…ending what we had was a big mistake on my part.” Buffy gave him an apologetic look.
That’s nice to know.” A small smile curled his lips.
After a small amount of time was wasted in uncomfortable silence Buffy spoke up. “So, where’s you’re date? Shouldn’t you two be back at you’re crypt do it like animals?” Buffy asked bitterly. She didn’t mean for it to come out that way, it just…did.
“She left.” Spike averted his eyes from hers, looking down at the floor. He didn’t like the change in subject.
“So she what, just popped by for a quick lay then?” What is wrong with you?!? Shut up!!!
Spike’s head shot up at that, giving her a menacing look. “Don’t.” Buffy looked down knowing she was out of line. “I-we didn’t, I wouldn’t sleep with her Buffy.” Spike stuttered nervously.
“That’s nice to know.”
TBC...
A/N: thank you for reading...please review!!!
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