Vinny is sleeping. His fiancée, Mona Vito is sleeping in the bed next. Both are sleeping peacefully when the room begins to shake and a freight train is heard outside. The noise is unbearably loud. They both wake up and Vinny yells, “What the fuck is that?”
************************
They are both downstairs in the hotel lobby, talking to the clerk.
“Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?” Vinny asked.
“No, sir, it's very unusual,” the clerk replied. Vinny smiles and begins to turn away with Mona next to him, “She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.”
“We’re checking out,” he replied.
************************
Mona and Vinny are sitting in the local diner. They are the only one’s there.
Mona is looking at the menu, which gives the following options Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, “Breakfast?”
“You think,” Vinny responded as the cook begins to prepare their orders.
A little while later the cook puts down their meals in front of them. Vinny squints at his, “What is this?”
“You’ve never heard of grits.”
“Sure, sure I heard of grits. I've just never actually SEEN a grit before.”
*************************
Everyone is in the court room again and today is the first day of the trail.
Vinny comes up to Xander, “Hey, how’ve you been?”
“Alright, except some guy who insists his name is Becky Sue keeps inviting me over to his cell for a ‘good time’.”
“Are you serious?”
“No, I’m not serious. I’m in jail how do you think I’ve been!”
“Hey, I was just asking. No need to get all sensitive princess.”
“Mr. Harris, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?” the judge asked.
“You were serious about that?”
“I don't like your attitude.”
“So what else is new?”
“I'm holding you in contempt of court.”
“Now there's a fucking surprise,” Vinny said to Xander.
“What did you say?”
“Huh?”
“What did you just say?”
“I didn’t say nothing sir.”
The judge just shakes his head and allows the first day of trial to proceed and after it is over he calls Vinny over to him, “Mr. Harris, I looked into your records to check that you were qualified to handle this case, had good references and all and I found a problem with them.”
“Oh, really what’s that?”
“They don’t exist, Mr. Harris…..”
Vinny thinking on his feet, “Wait I’m sorry did you say Mr. Harris?”
“Yes.”
“My name isn’t Harris its Parris, Vinny Parris.”
“Alright then.”
*************************
Mona bails Vinny out of jail.
“Thanks, babe,” Vinny said. Mona gives him a look, “What?”
“You were thrown in jail Vinny.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it. Listen I have to tell you something the judge he tried to look at my records….”
“But you don’t got no records.”
“I know that, so I told him he had gotten my name wrong and I gave him another one.”
“What name did you tell him?”
“Vinny Parris.”
“Vinny Parris! The big attorney.”
“Yeah.”
“Think that was a smart move?”
“Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.”
“His name was in the papers all last week.”
“Yeah, I saw that.”
“But you didn't actually read the articles.”
“No.”
“Too bad.”
“Why's that?”
“'Cause he's dead; you moron.”
**************************
It’s the next morning. It’s about 5 A.M. and Vinny and Mona are sleeping in their new motel room. Again they here a noise outside but this time it’s a loud foghorn.
“Oh for Christ’s Sake!” Vinny yelled.
“Vinny, you’re gonna wake everyone up!”
************************
Vinny walks into the court room wearing a hideous velveteen red suit with a ruffled white top.
“Mr. Parris are you mocking my authority?” the judge asked.
“No, sir.”
“Then can you please explain you outfit.”
“I bought a suit but it got covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.”
“I’m holding you in contempt of court.”
“What are you fucking kidding me?”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry are you fucking kidding me sir?”
“Vinny, what the fuck are you doing?” Mona hissed at him from where she was seated in the court room.
***********************
Vinny is about to go to jail again for being held in contempt of court when Mona runs up to him, “Don’t worry Vinny, I’ll bail you out.”
“No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep.”
********************
The next morning Mona is waiting for Vinny outside the jail, “What the fuck is going on here, Vinny? You fuck up this case or what?”
“I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to fuck up a little.”
“A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.”
*****************************
It’s the 3rd and final day in court. Vinny is finally wearing a respectable suit and the case is finally starting to turn around in Xander’s favor. Mona isn’t in the court room, she outside is in the court room lobby calling a cab because she had a fight with Vinny and she’s mad at him.
“Mr. Tipton, you say you saw the defendant walk into the gas station right before you began to cook breakfast and then 5 minutes later you were just sitting down to breakfast when you heard a gunshot. You looked out your window and you say you saw the defendant get into a metallic mint green ’64 Buick Skylark. Is that correct?” Vinny asked the witness.
“Yes.”
“What do you usually eat for breakfast?”
“Bacon, some grits…..”
“You like grits?” The man nods, “I like grits too. Did you eat that the day of the murder?”
“Yes.”
“How do you make your grits instant?”
“No, I make them from scratch.”
“Then I ask you how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?” Vinny asked walking over towards the jury.
“Um... I'm a fast cook, I guess.”
“What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?” Vinny asked from where he was standing by the jury and then walked over towards the witness.
“I don't know.”
“Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?”
“Maybe, I could have been mistaken.”
“Then is it possible that another person in an identical metallic mint green ‘64 Buick Skylark drove up after the defendant had left and shot the clerk and you just thought he was the defendant.”
“I guess, it’s possible.”
“Thank you. I have no more use for this guy.”
Vinny sits down next to Xander, “That was great.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“So what comes next?” Xander asked Vinny, who was staring at a photo of the tire marks the vehicle the murderer had been driving had made when he was pulling away.
“Holy shit,” Vinny whispered to himself.
“What? What is it?” Xander asked.
“Mr. Parris do you have anymore witnesses you’d like to call to the stand?” the judge asked.
“I’d like a 30 minute recess your honor.”
“5 minutes.”
“Fine,” Vinny said, running over to the sheriff, “Hey, listen do me a favor run a check on this for me will ya,” he hands him a piece of paper.
“This is your case. You do it.”
“Please, I only have 5 minutes,” Vinny said rushing out the doors. The sheriff leaves as well to do Vinny’s favor.
A few minutes later Vinny comes in, dragging a struggling Mona with him, “Let go of me!” she yells but he doesn’t until she is near the witness stand.
“The defense calls Mona Vito to the stand to testify as an expert on general automotive knowledge.”
“Oh, no,” she said as she began to walk towards the doors that led out of the court room.
“Your honor?”
“Miss. Vito, please sit down or I will hold you in contempt,” the judge said. She turns around and sits down at the stand after taking the oath.
“Objection, your honor, I’ve had no prior knowledge of this witness being called and have no way to know if she qualifies….” the D.A. began.
“Question her right now. I don’t mind,” Vinny told him.
“Fine,” the D.A. said, “Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?”
“I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.”
“An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?”
“It doesn't,” she said, trying to get up.
“Ms. Vito please sit down,” the judge said, “Now how do you qualify?”
“My brother’s a mechanic, my father’s a mechanic, my cousins are mechanics, my grandfather was a mechanic, his father was a mechanic, my nephew’s a mechanic….”
“Ms. Vito how does this qualify you?” the D.A. pressed.
“I use to work summers at my father’s garage.”
“As a mechanic?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind of work would you do?”
“Oil changes, brake repair, gas line brakes, tire rotations, carburetors….”
“Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?”
“That's a bullshit question.”
“Does that mean that you can't answer it?”
“It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.”
“Impossible because you don't know the answer!”
“Nobody could answer that question!”
“Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!”
“Can you answer the question?” the judge asked.
“No, it is a trick question!”
“Why is it a trick question?”
“'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.”
“Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.”
Vinny gets up and begins to question her, “Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?... Is that correct?” Mona ignores him.
“Would you please answer the counselor's question?” the judge said.
“No, I hate him.”
“Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?”
“You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight.”
“Do you two know each other?” the judge asked.
“Yeah, she's my fiancée.”
“Well, that would certainly explain the hostility,” the judge commented, “Miss. Vito, please answer the counsel’s questions.”
“Fine.”
“Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two guys met up at the 7-Elven, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?” Vinny asked as Mona examined the picture.
“No! The defense is wrong!”
“Are you sure?” Vinny asked a smile on his face.
“I'm positive,” she responded, smiling back at him. She was finally warming up to him.
“How could you be so sure?”
“Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a '64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.”
“Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?” the D.A. asked.
“This is your opinion?” the judge asked her.
“It's a fact!”
“I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!” Vinny said, egging her on.
“Would you like me to explain?”
“I would love to hear this!”
“The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can't make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark!”
“And why not? What is positraction?”
“It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who's been stuck in the mud knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.”
“Is that it?”
“No, there's more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the '60's, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.”
“And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?”
“They were!”
“Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much,” Vinny said, kissing her hands and helping her down from the witness stand, “You've been a lovely, lovely witness.” He looks to the back of the room and sees the sheriff in the back, “I call Sheriff Farley to the stand,” after the sheriff is sitting down, “Sheriff Farley, uh... what'd you find out?”
“On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a '63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms a boy, who fits the defendant's description, was arrested two days ago near Sacramento, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.”
“Is that it?”
“No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.”
“Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder the clerk, Jeremy Wills?”
“.357 Magnum.”
“The defense rests.”
After the jury deliberated they came out and the head juror stood up to read the verdict, “We the jury find the defendant, not guilty.”
********************
Outside the court house Vinny says goodbye to Xander.
“Thank you. I don’t know how I’m going to make this up to you,” Xander said, giving his cousin a hug.
“Hey, what’s family for right?” Vinny said, “Take care of yourself okay kid?”
“Yeah.”
“Have a safe trip,” Mona told him as she gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“I will.”
“We’ll send you an invite to the wedding soon.”
“You’re finally getting married.”
“We have to talk about it,” Vinny said.
“Vinny Harris, you said after you win your first case we’d get married. If you get fucking cold feet, I’m going to kill you. It’s been 10 years, my niece; the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is,” she taps her foot, “TICKING LIKE THIS.”
“I’m not getting cold feet!”
“Then when are we getting married?”
Xander gets in his car and closes the door as they are fighting, shaking his head.
“Hey, Xander we’ll see you at Christmas, okay?” Vinny yelled to him as he drove off and Xander waved goodbye.
*********************
Note some was taken from the orginal transcript, so don't sue.
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