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Andrew, ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and associated characters are copyright and owned by Joss, Master of the Whedonverse.
‘Star Wars’ and associated characters are copyright and owned by the almighty one George Lucas. All hail his greatness!!
‘Star Trek’ and associated characters are copyright and owned by his holiness Gene of the Roddenberry's,
All other associated characters are owned buy Timan, you know them; they’re the un-funny ones.
LOCATION: Secret evil lair somewhere in Europe
TIME: a few hours later
Bryon Vorkink stood in front of his vast henchmen workforce. He lent lightly against the banister of his elevated scheming platform and looked out over the sea of faces. He grinned evilly and interlaced his fingers.
“My friends. Our glorious victory is at hand. Soon the United States will be trembling at our might. Once I have initiated my master plan the world will be ours!” he said
He let out a bellowing evil laugh. It felt good to do it in a large space again. His tiny prison cell was giving him too much reverb and it was loosing its effect. From his pocket he pulled out a tiny remote. He pointed it at the back wall and pressed the single red button on it.
A projection lit up on the back wall. It was a map of the continental united states. On the map was marked various landmarks and tourist attractions. He looked back at his goons.
“The plan is simple gentlemen. We are going to steal every national monument and attraction from the United States. One we have collected them all I am going to ask for a ransom of forty billion dollars for their safe return! The world will be ours gentlemen.”
He let out another evil laugh. He pressed the button again the projection vanished. He lent against the banister and looked out of the crowd.
“A they’re any questions?”
From the middle of the sea of people a tall, thin man raised his hand. Bryon Vorkink pointed to the man
“Yes, you.” he stated
“Hi my name is Bob.” Bob replied
“Hi bob what’s on your mind?”
“Well, I’ve only been with or evil organization for two weeks now, I was wondering how are we going to move them all?”
Bryon Vorkink looked at the man confused.
“Don’t these things weigh like thousands of tones? For example, Mount Rushmore, it’s a giant mountain how are we going to move a giant mountain? And for that matter where are we going to store this stuff? It not like we can just put it in a warehouse. I think people would notice if the Lincoln memorial was near their back yard.”
“Thank you Bob . . .” Bryon Vorkink started
“If we’re trying to take over the world, I don’t see how we can do it by stealing the worlds larges ball of yarn. And there’s a point, if the plan is to steal stuff from America why are we meeting in friggin’ Europe? If you wanted to be over the ocean why couldn’t you spring for Hawaii? What I’m trying to say is I don’t think you’ve put much though into this . . . ”
Bob speech was cut short buy Bryon Vorkink shooting him through the head. Again he looks around the sea of people.
“Anybody else got any questions?” Bryon Vorkink asked calmly
“Oh no good plan sir!” one of the other henchmen replied nervously.
LOCATION: F.O.R.C.E. jet over the Pacific Ocean.
TIME: now
Wilda tapped away at her laptop as Andrew looked out the window. He smiled to himself and pointed out the window
“Hehe. That cloud looks like a duck.” He said happily
Agent Mendoza ignored him. She was trying to fight the inner urge to cause a work related fatality. Andrew looked at Wilda closely. In a very unsubtle way he slinked over to the seat next to Wilda. He peered over her shoulder.
“What are you doing?” he asked sweetly
“Work,” she replied with a hostile tone, “at least one of us has to be read for this mission.”
“Oh, can I help?”
“No.”
Andrew pouted. He slumped in his chair.
“On Deep Space Nine Major Kira always let Captain Sisko help and he was in charge.” He said grumpily
Wilda ignored him again. Andrew looked Wilda up and down. He moved into his interpretation of a sexy pose
“So that tech guy call you miss. I was wondering maybe . . .” Andrew said in a smooth voice
“No.” Wilda replied sharply
“But you didn’t know what I . . . “
“No.”
“Come on! How bad could it . . .”
“No.”
Andrew folded his arms grumpily.
“Wilda’s a nice person!” he yelled
“N . . .”
Agent Mendoza flashed Andrew a look. Andrew giggled at his own funniness. He then went back to Brooding.
“Why won’t let me help. I told you I was an evil genius I know stuff.”
“Andrew this is serious,” Agent Mendoza replied, “why don’t you read the briefing I gave you?”
Andrew sighed pathetically. He holds up the document and shakes it at Mendoza.
“Have you seen this thing? It’s, like, typed in really, really small letters and it full of weird words, like, what does this say?”
He held up the page for Mendoza to read. She took one look at the indicated word and shook her head in disappointment.
“ ‘The’ “ she quoted in an annoyed tone.
Andrew looked back at the page and smiled in realization
“Oh yeah,” he replied happily, “this think, totally, makes sense now.”
Andrew started to read through the document. Mendoza looked at the unqualified agent in fear.
“Andrew, I really need you to concentrate, we’re going to be landing soon and you’re going to have to go straight undercover to meet our contact. It’s going to be very dangerous.”
Andrew looked up in surprise.
“Dangerous? Hey, nobody said anything about dangerous.”
“What did you think you were going to do?”
“I don’t know I thought I was going to say all the cool lines while my stunt double did all the hard stuff.”
“This is real life Andrew you don’t get a stunt double!”
“Hey stop yelling at me. Remember I’m Fred you’re Velma! I’m in charge of this operational mission thingy! So . . . if you don’t like it quit!”
“Fine!” Mendoza replied defiantly.
She stormed down the plane and burst into the communications room. She punched a few button on the console. The screen fizzled into life. On screen the commander looked grumpily back at the Agent.
“What do you want Mendoza!?” the Commander yelled
“Sir I quit.” Mendoza replied confidently
“Can’t quit!” the commander replied, “iron clad contract! You’re in until you die!”
“Fine then I’ll just shoot myself.”
“That won’t work! Your gun’s made of plastic!”
Mendoza stared at her boss in shocked confusion. She did wonder why it felt lighter then usual.
“What?” she asked
“I can’t risk our hero being distracting by you shooting things! He has to keep his head in the game!”
Agent Mendoza sighed. She was going to die it was now a matter of whether or not she cared.
LOCATION: benefit for the orphans charity ball – central Europe
TIME: that evening
Andrew stood nervously at the entrance of the palatial hall. He looked at the swarm of the rich and famous as they walked graciously into the event.
“Now remember Andrew. Our contacts name is Jeanne-Hélène Adamo she is the French diplomat for this region. We need you to go in and get the location of Bryon Vorkink lair.”
“Yeah,” Andrew replied, “I just remembered. I’m allergic to Danger. I get all puffy and break out in hives. I think I should be in the nice safe van and you should be here doing all the bad stuff. Over * kshhh*”
“No we’ve informed her to expect a man. You have to do this.”
“Ah, copy gold leader, now proceding into mission . . . building . . . area. Over * kshhh*”
Andrew moved stiffly into the building. He approaches the security guard at the door. He looks the bulky, bald guard. Looking at his security badge he noticed that his serial number was ‘Tk421’
“Hey why aren’t you at your post?” Andrew joked
He laughed softly. The laughing stopped when he realized that the guard looked like he was about to crush him.
“Name?!” The guard demand in a thick Russian accent
Nervously Andrew reached into his pocked and pulled out his invitation. He handed it to the guard and smiled awkwardly.
“My name is Andrew, ah, Forrest,” he recited, “ I am a young billionaire media mongrel and shipping magnet.”
Andrew smiled awkwardly as the guard looked him up and down curiously. The guard handed back the invitation and motioned for him to go inside.
Andrew walked in quickly and hid behind the main door.
“Gold leader, I have entered the Death Star canyon and am proceding with bombing run for the main exhaust port. Over * kshhh*”
“What the hell are you talking about Andrew?” Agent Mendoza replied over the radio
“I’m inside the building, Geez, don’t you know spy talk? Over * kshhh*”
“Alright, our contact said to meet you in the center of the dance floor in the main ball room.”
“Okay, that’s the big room with the fancy light thing. Got it, on my way over * kshhh*”
“Andrew we’re not on the open highway you don’t have to keep saying ‘over’.”
“That’s cool I’ll remember that * kshhh*”
“You don’t have to make the ‘kshh’ sound either this isn’t a CB radio.”
“Right. Am entering ballroom.”
Andrew walked slowly into the decadent hall. He looked around the turn of the century structure.
“Do you see her Andrew?”
He looked out onto the center of the ballroom. And noticed the most amazing looking woman standing alone in the middle of the large crowd of dancer.
“I see her.” he replied dreamily
“Do you notice anything?”
“Yeah, she has really big boobs.”
“Anything strange Andrew.”
“Ah, no.”
Andrew walked slowly to the center of the floor. When Jeanne-Hélène sees Andrew approaching her face lights up. Andrew gulps nervously as he approaches the woman nervously.
“Are you Andrew?” Jeanne-Hélène asked in her exquisite French accent
Andrew laughs nervously. He nods extremely fast. Inside the van Wilda rolls her eyes.
“Are you available . . . ah, to, to tell us the location of the bad guy?” Andrew stammered
Jeanne-Hélène smiles at Agent Andrew and moves in closer
“They never told me you were so hansom” she replied
Andrew jumps back quickly
“Whoa, okay, invading personal bubble there.” He replied
He regains his composure and stands stiffly.
“I need you to tell me the location of baron . . . beer on . . . the bad dude.”
Jeanne-Hélène looks around sharply. She moves next to Andrews ear.
“Not here. It’s not safe.”
She takes him by the arm and moves him off the dance floor. As she does so she looks deeply into his eyes.
“Has anyone told you you’re speech is enchanting?” she said in a seductive manner
“Really? Most people get kinda weirded out when I talk.” Andrew replied
Back in the van Wilda was listening to Andrews let then satisfactory questioning technique. The vans phone began to ring. She answers quickly.
“Agent Mendoza this is Interpol. We have just received word that Jeanne-Hélène Adamo was found murdered in her embassy a few hours ago.”
“Thanks.” Agent Mendoza replied hang up the phone
Quickly she gets on the radio
“Andrew listens to me. The woman you’re with is not Jeanne-Hélène. She is an imposter. The real Jeanne-Hélène Is dead.”
“What, you mean dead dead or, like, Optmus Prime dead? ‘Cause he came back.”
“Just get out of there!”
The fake Jeanne-Hélène leads Andrew down a hallway to a back door.
“Quickly. In here.” She said gesturing to the door.
“Actually. I kinda have to go.” Andrew replied
“There isn’t time get in!” Jeanne-Hélène said as she flung open the door and threw Andrew in.
The door slammed behind him. Andrew slowly got onto his feet and dusted himself off. He stopped moving when he heard the sound of a dozen or so automatic weapons being loaded. He looked up slowly and saw large multi story scaffolding with henchmen pointing weapons at him. Andrew smiled nervously
“Hey guy. You been waiting long?”
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