Shit, that's a big hole. I'm hear staring at the largest canyon I have ever seen since I first saw the Grand Canyon. This big pile of rock used to be Sunnydale, California and the answers to all my problems. You see, about twenty years ago, I played a recording of a translation of a book called Necronamican Aux Mortius, or roughly translated the Book of the Dead.
This Book contained wierd passages which could summon demons and raise the dead. I guess I should have read the dust jacket first. Since then, I chopped off my own hand and replaced it with a chainsaw and traveled through time. Medivel England, Colonial America, the Civil War...I keep stepping in the same pile of crap: undead zombies known as the Deadites. After my whistle stop tour of history, I learned that the Necromonican has a counter: a book that would close all the demon vortexes...and end my war forever. This book was suppose to be in Sunnydale's High School, but now the whole town was a crater.
The crack of a fallen branch made me turn around. Suddenly, a Deadite jumped and he was greated by my Boomstick, a Remington 12 guage sawed off shot gun. Shop smart, shop S-Mart. I searched the blown away ugly and I found a scrap of paper with a city and name: Cleveland, Ohio: Harris - get book and kill. Luckily for me, this ugly was also stupid...writing down his assignment on a piece of old parchment. I grabbed the note, and walked over to my 2000 Ford Escort, and my new mission: drive to Cleveland and find this Harris guy. My name is Ash, and it's time for my fight to end...forever.
After a few days, I reached Cleveland. Man, what a hellhole, even worse that my hometown of Dearborn, Michigan. It was then that my whole, sorry, un-Godly mess started. Back then I was a department supervisor of Housewares at S-Mart department stores, and I took my then girlfriend Linda to a cabin in the woods. After that night my life would change for the fucking worst. But, enough of that, let's talk about me for a second, like that in the hell was I doing in Cleveland.
I figured this Harris person would be easy to find. He must be a professor, or someone else who knew about the things went bump in the night. After some careful detective work over the phone. (Flashback scene of Ash asking: 'Hey are the Harris that used to live in that hellhole known as Sunnydale.) I found out that Harris had a first name and was working a a shop stewart on a construction crew. His full name was Xander Harris. I drove out to his current job to meet him.
The next day, I drove my car up to a half built Library. I know it went against the grain, but I left my chainsaw and Boomstick at the hotel. It was a little weird having my right arm with nothing on it, like a chainsaw...or a hand. I asked one of the workers where is Xander Harris and he pointed me to a younger man with an eye patch over his left eye. I walk up to 'Captain Right Eye".
"Say, buddy...who Xander Harris?"
"Yes, I am. Who are you?"
"Name's Ash...uh...Ashley J. Williams, a rep...for S-Mart. I was wondering if we took talk in your office?"
"Yeah, sure. This way."
He lead me to a small RV type trailer. Once inside, I did the only thing I could think of...I ounched he in the nose. I pinned him to the floor and politely asked: "WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE BOOK?!?"
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